Husband and wife public disagreements

[As_for_my_House]

When asked about our plans, opinions or thoughts on a matter, my husband and I almost always clash. This is our sad pattern.

Most family and friends have learned not to go there with us because it will start a public debate (or argument).

Now I will give a concrete example. My husband and I are looking to sell our home and move to another state because the property taxes in this area are too high and we have been struggling financially for the past 8 years. This is a hot button for us because we have to sell a home that we both love and are sad to have to move.

I family member asked me about our plans and I said that we are still planning to move to the state. She later asked my husband the same questions and he said that no we are not moving. I was sitting with them at the table with them when he said this, and said that that was news to me because I check home listings every week , and asked him why and he said to me in a nasty tone “because you don’t want to move where I want to move in that state …”. when instead he could have said oh I thought we were holding off on the move or something low key statement to end the discussion.

Since he said this in front of the In-law with whom I have some ongoing boundary issues, I was upset that he used this nasty tone. I have asked him to be agreeable or at least not to argue with me in front of this person because I feel that she baits us into disagreements. He later started to argue with me about being outside in my socks when we were seeing guest off in the driveway and won’t stop telling me to go in the house. I tried to ignore him but ended up telling him to stop being so controlling.

I would like to find a resolution for this problem. I could tell the questioning person to ask my husband but that might come off as rude. I’d have to do it for a lot of questions!

Also I am a little miffed at this person for asking me a line of questions, getting my answers and then going to my husband with the same exact line of questions. That just seems a little weird to me because she does this a lot. Aren’t my answers good enough?

I know I handled things badly. Any ideas about how I could have done better?

 

[mommy_k]

Perhaps just say that u both are thinking about it in other words be vague when questioned about things that are between u and dh.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can’t change him. You cannot change this relative or busybodies like her. You can only change yourself. The goal will be to be more discrete and to push your own opinion less. If you do this, people won’t think you are a pushover with no opinions. They’ll think you are a gracious person with a sense of privacy and discretion.

Yes, if you know someone (whether purposefully or in practical effect because of carelessness) asks you questions and then later poses the same question to your husband, setting the two of you against each other in public, then don’t give the answer except to relate what is already public knowledge or established fact. As in: “Well, we aren’t moving anywhere until the house sells, and it has only been on the market a month.” To further questioning; “We haven’t made an offer on anything. I don’t know what to tell you.” (If the person gets really pushy, you can say something with a laugh, like: “Gee, Sarah, are you on a deadline? I don’t know what you want me to tell you.” I would suggest you give this kind of answer not just to this relative, but to everyone except a very select circle of discrete confidantes. Even with them, say, “this is currently the plan, but we need to stay flexible, so don’t tell anyone.” This keeps you from painting yourself in a corner where you can’t be flexible with your husband.

When you are “caught” disagreeing with your husband in public, you can choose to defer while you are in public. “Oh. Well, I thought I knew our plans, but I guess I didn’t. That’s OK,” or in the case of the driveway you can say, “I think my socks are fine, but if it bothers you I’ll go inside. Bye, Sarah!” If you’re going to take your husband to task for being pushy, take him to task in private.

If someone asks you later what was going on, you can say with a sort of a wink, “Are you trying to make trouble? Seriously, though, I thought I knew what we were up to and didn’t, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see what we end up doing.”

You’re right: don’t tell them to ask your husband. Instead, tell your husband that you are not planning to give information about future plans (rather than current actions) to relatives, and you’d appreciate it if he’d have your back on that. Then have a discussion about it.

I’d also say this: the less you are in love with your own opinion, the more any decision you come to with your husband becomes “our decision” even if it wasn’t your first choice, the better off you will be.

I mean to make it a habit to put gratitude for your spouse ahead of more trivial likes and dislikes, with the attitude that most things are trivial compared to the importance of your marriage. If you can’t live in a house that you think is fairly ugly because your spouse loves it, work on being more generous. Work on seeing the ugliness you put up with not just as something that drives you crazy (it probably still will), but as evidence of your affection. If you can see some homely thing every day as “the things we do for love,” it can help the ugly thing to become a perverse object of affection. After all, if there were a night when you got the message that your husband had been killed and you’d never see him again, wouldn’t those things look very different to you?

My uncle used to talk about his 50-year marriage to my aunt in those terms:
I make all the major decisions, and I let her decide all the minor things. We’ve been lucky, too, though. So far, nothing major has come up.

Do not worry if you try to do this and only succeed some of the time. This takes a lot of practice, but it is worth it. Sometimes, the attitude is even catching. Besides, if you try to do it 100% of the time, some day you may get up to giving in graciously half of the time.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I agree with being vague in your answers with this person. Keep it short, simple and honest. To say that you are still discussing it isn’t a lie. You both are still discussing it. If the person presses further, you could always say that is all you have to say on the subject and leave it at that. If the person keeps pressing, excuse yourself and walk away.

 

[Xantippe]

When asked about our plans, opinions or thoughts on a matter, my husband and I almost always clash. This is our sad pattern.

Most family and friends have learned not to go there with us because it will start a public debate (or argument).

Now I will give a concrete example. My husband and I are looking to sell our home and move to another state because the property taxes in this area are too high and we have been struggling financially for the past 8 years. This is a hot button for us because we have to sell a home that we both love and are sad to have to move.

I family member asked me about our plans and I said that we are still planning to move to the state. She later asked my husband the same questions and he said that no we are not moving. I was sitting with them at the table with them when he said this, and said that that was news to me because I check home listings every week , and asked him why and he said to me in a nasty tone “because you don’t want to move where I want to move in that state …”. when instead he could have said oh I thought we were holding off on the move or something low key statement to end the discussion.

Since he said this in front of the In-law with whom I have some ongoing boundary issues, I was upset that he used this nasty tone. I have asked him to be agreeable or at least not to argue with me in front of this person because I feel that she baits us into disagreements. He later started to argue with me about being outside in my socks when we were seeing guest off in the driveway and won’t stop telling me to go in the house. I tried to ignore him but ended up telling him to stop being so controlling.

I would like to find a resolution for this problem. I could tell the questioning person to ask my husband but that might come off as rude. I’d have to do it for a lot of questions!

**Also I am a little miffed at this person for asking me a line of questions, getting my answers and then going to my husband with the same exact line of questions. **That just seems a little weird to me because she does this a lot. Aren’t my answers good enough?

I know I handled things badly. Any ideas about how I could have done better?

Now that you mention it, that thing the relative did was really weird. Who does that? That reminds me of stuff little kids pull–ask dad for something, get turned down, then go ask mom for the same thing without mentioning the previous refusal.

So, I think I’d definitely avoid one-on-one time with this relative, and limit the time you spend with her otherwise to the polite minimum. Also, in a larger setting, there will be more opportunities for escape or to change the subject.

You also might want to try noncommittal answers. “I don’t know. We’re looking at this and we’re looking at that.”

This is all a stopgap, of course, because none of this would be an issue if you and your husband were more on the same page. I suspect you are probably going to need marriage counseling, if only just to get you through the move decision. Or see your pastor. Basically, talk the issues out in front of a neutral, confidential third party. And, while it’s uncomfortable to say this, I almost wonder if there isn’t something neurological going on with him (maybe OCD or ASD or some sort of cognitive deterioration). Him wigging out over you being in socks on the driveway was WEIRD.

In your shoes, I would try to be calm, pleasant, but firm, and be prepared to seek third party help. If he doesn’t go to counseling, you should probably go.

For you two to be at all functional as a family, you’re going to need to make some changes.

Best wishes!

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with being vague in your answers with this person. Keep it short, simple and honest. To say that you are still discussing it isn’t a lie. You both are still discussing it. If the person presses further, you could always say that is all you have to say on the subject and leave it at that. If the person keeps pressing, excuse yourself and walk away.

The OP’s problem, as I hear it, is the possibility that she’ll think a decision has been made only to find in public that her husband has changed his mind. On that account, I’d keep the cards close to my chest until things actually happen. Until it happens, put the world on a “we’ll see” basis. If you’re caught, you can say, “well, that was the state of discussion at that moment, but I’ve decided I want to stay flexible and that is easier to do when you don’t broadcast your plans ahead of actually carrying them out.”

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s are some approaches to try with the sock thing (and similar trivia) once you’ve got your company safely seen off.

“Sweetie, what’s the absolute worst thing that could happen if I stood on the driveway for five minutes in my socks?”

or

“Sweetie, how would you feel if I ordered YOU off of our driveway?”

Don’t say a lot, just ask him a question and let him think about it.

Be sweet, be respectful, don’t fight in public, but have good boundaries.

Henry Cloud (the boundaries guy) has a book entitled “Boundaries in Marriage.” I haven’t read it, but it looks well-reviewed, and you might get something out of it.

Also, if your finances are bad, how good is your family budget process? If it’s not good, I would suggest Dave Ramsey. His Financial Peace University is very good for learning how to work together on family finances.

Best wishes!

 

[ClearWater]

Had you considered seeing a marital counselor to improve communication?

 

[pianistclare]

This is all a stopgap, of course, because none of this would be an issue if you and your husband were more on the same page. I suspect you are probably going to need marriage counseling, if only just to get you through the move decision. Or see your pastor. Basically, talk the issues out in front of a neutral, confidential third party. And, while it’s uncomfortable to say this, I almost wonder if there isn’t something neurological going on with him (maybe OCD or ASD or some sort of cognitive deterioration). Him wigging out over you being in socks on the driveway was WEIRD.

In your shoes, I would try to be calm, pleasant, but firm, and be prepared to seek third party help. If he doesn’t go to counseling, you should probably go.

For you two to be at all functional as a family, you’re going to need to make some changes.

What Xanti said.
If doesn’t matter if this other relative can’t stand you and wants you two to fight.
When she asks things, just shrug. Hard to sound unreasonable because he can’t argue with a shrug. it will just make him look bad if he digs at you after a shrug.

Get counseling.
you’re married to HIM.
You two have got to work out your communication issues.
Good luck.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My in laws are wonderful people, but they love to play ‘divide and conquer’ when they know we’re considering anything from moving to buying a car. They’re the kind of family where every decision is made by a committee of parents and older relatives. I don’t go for that. When asked about plans that we’re still working out, whether we agree with each other or not, we always say we’re still working on it and we’ll let them know. They push, but it’s repeated ad nauseum.

This gives us the space and privacy to make decisions and disagree without either of us feeling pressured or ganged up on. I really, really recommend this system because it keeps us on the same team even when we have a private conflict.

This really isn’t the fault of the prying relative. You and your husband should be presenting a united front regardless.

 

[bitterhope]

My in laws are wonderful people, but they love to play ‘divide and conquer’ when they know we’re considering anything from moving to buying a car. They’re the kind of family where every decision is made by a committee of parents and older relatives. I don’t go for that. When asked about plans that we’re still working out, whether we agree with each other or not, we always say we’re still working on it and we’ll let them know. They push, but it’s repeated ad nauseum.

This gives us the space and privacy to make decisions and disagree without either of us feeling pressured or ganged up on. I really, really recommend this system because it keeps us on the same team even when we have a private conflict.

This really isn’t the fault of the prying relative. You and your husband should be presenting a united front regardless.

I agree. It takes two to argue. It isn’t any one person’s fault more than the other either. Work on your communication and vow not to argue anymore, especially on public display. You two need to agree that you are a team that works together instead of allowing outsiders to push buttons. If you two don’t find the way to improve your communication and team work, you are going to continue spiraling into worse situations. Even if your husband attempts an argument he can’t argue alone. Fix your end and hopefully he will fix his. Even if he doesn’t, at least he can’t argue by himself so it’s at least an improvement.

 

[MaryT777]

My in laws are wonderful people, but they love to play ‘divide and conquer’ when they know we’re considering anything from moving to buying a car. They’re the kind of family where every decision is made by a committee of parents and older relatives. I don’t go for that. When asked about plans that we’re still working out, whether we agree with each other or not, we always say we’re still working on it and we’ll let them know. They push, but it’s repeated ad nauseum.

This gives us the space and privacy to make decisions and disagree without either of us feeling pressured or ganged up on. I really, really recommend this system because it keeps us on the same team even when we have a private conflict.

This really isn’t the fault of the prying relative. You and your husband should be presenting a united front regardless.

This advice makes the most sense to me and my good friend and her husband, (I love them both dearly) made a decision to simply say “WE haven’t decided yet.” Period.
Worked great for them. They also said kindly we’ll let you know when we do.

I can’t imagine trying to make a major decisions in an environment with relatives behaving as such and trying to what seems to be causing problems for the couple.

Short, sweet and to the point works best. Do present a united front and if you can’t I agree it would be good to see a counselor.

Mary.

 

[EasterJoy]

Now that you mention it, that thing the relative did was really weird. Who does that? That reminds me of stuff little kids pull–ask dad for something, get turned down, then go ask mom for the same thing without mentioning the previous refusal.

So, I think I’d definitely avoid one-on-one time with this relative, and limit the time you spend with her otherwise to the polite minimum. Also, in a larger setting, there will be more opportunities for escape or to change the subject.

You also might want to try noncommittal answers. “I don’t know. We’re looking at this and we’re looking at that.”

This is all a stopgap, of course, because none of this would be an issue if you and your husband were more on the same page. I suspect you are probably going to need marriage counseling, if only just to get you through the move decision. Or see your pastor. Basically, talk the issues out in front of a neutral, confidential third party. And, while it’s uncomfortable to say this, I almost wonder if there isn’t something neurological going on with him (maybe OCD or ASD or some sort of cognitive deterioration). Him wigging out over you being in socks on the driveway was WEIRD.

In your shoes, I would try to be calm, pleasant, but firm, and be prepared to seek third party help. If he doesn’t go to counseling, you should probably go.

For you two to be at all functional as a family, you’re going to need to make some changes.

Best wishes!

Busybodies are tireless. Why ask just one spouse, when the other might give you more information and put you in a position of knowing more than anyone, even anyone in the family? The best strategy for dealing with this kind of person is to be a disappointing “source” who is too thick to “give anything up.” You can also object to anything that strays too obviously into interrogation, and turn the tables, “All we’ve done is talk about *our *family. What has *your *family been up to? And you? Are you working on any new quilts?” Or whatever.

 

[Catholic1954]

When asked about our plans, opinions or thoughts on a matter, my husband and I almost always clash. This is our sad pattern.

Most family and friends have learned not to go there with us because it will start a public debate (or argument).

Now I will give a concrete example. My husband and I are looking to sell our home and move to another state because the property taxes in this area are too high and we have been struggling financially for the past 8 years. This is a hot button for us because we have to sell a home that we both love and are sad to have to move.

I family member asked me about our plans and I said that we are still planning to move to the state. She later asked my husband the same questions and he said that no we are not moving. I was sitting with them at the table with them when he said this, and said that that was news to me because I check home listings every week , and asked him why and he said to me in a nasty tone “because you don’t want to move where I want to move in that state …”. when instead he could have said oh I thought we were holding off on the move or something low key statement to end the discussion.

Since he said this in front of the In-law with whom I have some ongoing boundary issues, I was upset that he used this nasty tone. I have asked him to be agreeable or at least not to argue with me in front of this person because I feel that she baits us into disagreements. He later started to argue with me about being outside in my socks when we were seeing guest off in the driveway and won’t stop telling me to go in the house. I tried to ignore him but ended up telling him to stop being so controlling.

I would like to find a resolution for this problem. I could tell the questioning person to ask my husband but that might come off as rude. I’d have to do it for a lot of questions!

Also I am a little miffed at this person for asking me a line of questions, getting my answers and then going to my husband with the same exact line of questions. That just seems a little weird to me because she does this a lot. Aren’t my answers good enough?

I know I handled things badly. Any ideas about how I could have done better?

You are being set up. Next time, be as vague as possible and refer all questions like that right back to your husband. “What did Hubby say when you asked him?”; " You should ask him about that; I’m still thinking about the details."; “Hubby, NR (Nosey Relative) wants to know what the plan is for X.”. It’s not rude at all, especially since the person asking is only interested in stirring the pot, not in your answer. You would have to do it for as long as it takes for them to get the message, that you are not going to fall for it anymore and they will have to play their games with someone else. If there are no serious issues in your relationship, you guys might benefit from a Marriage Encounter Weekend. It is a couples communication workshop and you can learn some skills to hopefully cut down on the public arguments.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

The one good thing I can say about widowhood is that MY IN-LAWS ARE ALL GONE!!

I remember how interference would come up constantly. Let’s just say now is my time. I don’t have to account to in-laws or out-laws. It has been peaceful.

The only ones I have to fight with are my pets.

 

[E_7]

My in laws are wonderful people, but they love to play ‘divide and conquer’ when they know we’re considering anything from moving to buying a car. They’re the kind of family where every decision is made by a committee of parents and older relatives. I don’t go for that. When asked about plans that we’re still working out, whether we agree with each other or not, we always say we’re still working on it and we’ll let them know. They push, but it’s repeated ad nauseum.

This gives us the space and privacy to make decisions and disagree without either of us feeling pressured or ganged up on. I really, really recommend this system because it keeps us on the same team even when we have a private conflict.

This really isn’t the fault of the prying relative. You and your husband should be presenting a united front regardless.

 

[MaryT777]

You are being set up. Next time, be as vague as possible and refer all questions like that right back to your husband. “What did Hubby say when you asked him?”; " You should ask him about that; I’m still thinking about the details."; “Hubby, NR (Nosey Relative) wants to know what the plan is for X.”. It’s not rude at all, especially since the person asking is only interested in stirring the pot, not in your answer. You would have to do it for as long as it takes for them to get the message, that you are not going to fall for it anymore and they will have to play their games with someone else. If there are no serious issues in your relationship, you guys might benefit from a Marriage Encounter Weekend. It is a couples communication workshop and you can learn some skills to hopefully cut down on the public arguments.

This is a great idea if you want to let someone know you are “on” to their immature game playing!~

Also Marriage Encounter Weekend is a splendid thought .

Mary.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I family member asked me about our plans and I said that we are still planning to move to the state. She later asked my husband the same questions

I will give this person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were just trying to make conversation and instead of saying ‘So I hear you are moving’ she repeated the same questions. Maybe they are just akward at small talk.

and he said that no we are not moving. I was sitting with them at the table with them when he said this, and said that that was news to me because I check home listings every week , **and asked him why **and he said to me in a nasty tone “because you don’t want to move where I want to move in that state …”.

That was the mistake. By asking him why in public, you opened the door for a public argument. Instead, you should have done the best to hid your shock, bit your tongue and waited until you were in private to ask. Personally, if your hubby is anything like me, he probably just said ‘We are not moving’ in the hopes the nosy relative would quit ever asking. It could have been a ruse to get NR off his back

when instead he could have said oh I thought we were holding off on the move or something low key statement to end the discussion…

First, hubby can not read your mind, so you can’t expect him to answer your questions the way you want him to. Second, you can’t change hubby but you can change yourself. You can be the one to make the low key statements before the argument starts

 

[As_for_my_House]

The OP’s problem, as I hear it, is the possibility that she’ll think a decision has been made only to find in public that her husband has changed his mind. On that account, I’d keep the cards close to my chest until things actually happen. Until it happens, put the world on a “we’ll see” basis. If you’re caught, you can say, “well, that was the state of discussion at that moment, but I’ve decided I want to stay flexible and that is easier to do when you don’t broadcast your plans ahead of actually carrying them out.”

This is true. Although I know my husband is often contrary then I express an opinion, and I find this irritating when he contradicts me in public. I was a surprised to find out that on this serious decision that we weren’t on the same page.

He later said that he was under the impression that the homes in the area that I was looking at cost a lot more that the ones he had seen in the lower part of the state.
I reminded him that we had already agreed on a price and that I was shopping in that price point. I also reminded him that we agreed that we didn’t want to live in the area he liked (the homes are new, big and cheap) because it was so far from family, friends and the city where we like to spend our free time and that I would continue to look in upper part of the state.

But that still leaves the question as to why he got so nasty with me.

We talked about the questioning relative, and we agreed that it does seem that she tries to bait us into an argument.(this is easily done and like I said most people don’t go there) He thinks that she is unhappy. possibly jealious and he feels sorry for her (she is his side of the family) but I think that she crosses the line with this behavior and that if we can’t handle it together that we need to limit the interaction with her. He agreed but I don’t trust he will change his interaction because there is a long pattern of her doing things like this and my husband going along with the behavior.

Thank you for your good advice reminding me to be sweet and agreeable because I do think that this was the best approach and it would have had double consequence. My husband would have stopped controlling and my in-law would have gotten treated to a sweet moment between us.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is true. Although I know my husband is often contrary then I express an opinion, and I find this irritating when he contradicts me in public. I was a surprised to find out that on this serious decision that we weren’t on the same page.

He later said that he was under the impression that the homes in the area that I was looking at cost a lot more that the ones he had seen in the lower part of the state.
I reminded him that we had already agreed on a price and that I was shopping in that price point. I also reminded him that we agreed that we didn’t want to live in the area he liked (the homes are new, big and cheap) because it was so far from family, friends and the city where we like to spend our free time and that I would continue to look in upper part of the state.

But that still leaves the question as to why he got so nasty with me.

We talked about the questioning relative, and we agreed that it does seem that she tries to bait us into an argument.(this is easily done and like I said most people don’t go there) He thinks that she is unhappy. possibly jealious and he feels sorry for her (she is his side of the family) but I think that she crosses the line with this behavior and that if we can’t handle it together that we need to limit the interaction with her. He agreed but I don’t trust he will change his interaction because there is a long pattern of her doing things like this and my husband going along with the behavior.

Thank you for your good advice reminding me to be sweet and agreeable because I do think that this was the best approach and it would have had double consequence. My husband would have stopped controlling and my in-law would have gotten treated to a sweet moment between us.

The main thing is to remember that happy couples make accommodations for the weaknesses of the other. And yes, trouble-makers leave people alone when they are boring and too difficult to trouble. If she comes back around to one of you saying there is a contradiction between your stories, all you need to say is, “Oh, well. I guess we’ll have to discuss it again. Maybe I was wrong–I have been known to make mistakes. We both do. No problem. We always work these things out.” And yes, sometimes it is good to get a merry look in your eye and say, “Jane,* you* are being a troublemaker! You’re trying to get us into a fight aren’t you, you little stinker?” Then laugh and say, “I’m on to you, girl.” She may get all defensive, but keep the tone light and gently teasing. The goal is not to counter-attack, but to shine light on the tactic and refuse to engage in the game by getting a kick out of catching on to it.

As Thomas Moore said, “The Devil, the proud spirit, cannot endure to be mocked.” Really–you’re having an* argument *about whether you ought to be permitted to wear socks outside? This is a right worth defending? You are both being had for a joke! Laugh at that proud spirit, give in to charity, and shoo him away.

(Marriage researchers have noted that a sense of humor as a way to make a relational repair attempt is a very common strategy among happy couples who find their arguments getting too heated. If your husband is driving you nuts and you know it will make him laugh, stick your tongue out like a brat when you’re getting mad. Whatever makes you both laugh.)