T
truoc
Guest
My husband of 12 years asked me for a divorce. His reasoning is, “it’s just not working out.” He wants a no fault. But I am conflicted, my heart says “divorce” but I read about the Church and it’s teachings and I question myself because the teachings are confusing to me.
My husband and I are both Catholic, although he doesn’t attend Mass and never did. He does not take part in the sacraments expect when I “make” him go at Christmas. If I were hard pressed to p(name removed by moderator)oint who he worships, I’d say it’s money. Everything he does in his life centers around money. Before we were married, we talked about having children, after we were married he said, “no, they cost too much money.” He did agree to have one child, but no more.
He said one of the specific reasons he wants to divorce me is because I don’t make enough money and don’t take my career advancement seriously enough because I have no desire to be a CEO. I raise our daughter, do all the housework, do most of the yardwork, work fulltime at a decent paying job… so I am not a lazybones. While I work fulltime, my primary job is mother and I put my daughter over the job–I don’t want to be a CEO when I have a child to raise. But by doing that did I wrong my husband in some regard? Was I putting my needs and our child’s over his (forsaking all others?)
He also had what is called an emotional affair. I suspect it was more than that, but that’s all I can prove. I found train tickets in another woman’s name, found out they shared hotel rooms together on multiple occasions, he would go places and “panic” when I asked to go along, and I suspect some of his “late night working” is seeing her or someone else. He often remembers us having sex when we did not (I think he’s mixing me up with other people). He says they are just friends and I am making too much out of it. He’s had other such relationships thought out marriage.
I asked him to try marriage counseling. At first he went, but he joked about it and then decided it was too much money and stopped going. It was at this point that I “Gave up” on the marriage. I felt like I was putting all this effort and self sacrifice into trying to preserve it and he wasn’t doing anything. When I stopped trying to appease him at the sake of everything and everyone else, the house of cards fell down.
I slowly grew to hate him too over this time period of trying to preserve the marriage. I mean really hate him with a loathing I never felt before. This hatred seemed to consume me from the inside and it spread to me hating his family members as well (for no reason!) I confessed this sin often, but it wouldn’t let go of me. Finally, the day he asked for a divorce it seems to vanish. I felt free from this hatred (and I feel guilty for that hatred now–where I didn’t before). I know it might not be the correct things to say, but it’s like a demon in me was banished.
Now that we are separated, life seems good to me again. I feel happy and loving for the first time in years. I no longer hate anyone and it feels so good. And it feels so good to be off the “keep up with the Jones” treadmill with his money and martial possession obsessions. I don’t have to worry about STDs anymore too.
But I worry that I am doing the wrong thing. What about our daughter? I feel badly because she too seems happier now that her father is gone. I try to preserve their relationship, but she wants to distance herself too. She cries when I bring her to him to spend time. She said she hated the way “daddy yelled at you all the time.” (he didn’t really “yell” but was very sharp toned and condescending… like the way you’d scold a “bad dog.”) I worry how a divorce in the future will effect her–maybe it will be good or maybe bad. I don’t know.
And what about God? It says in scripture that he hates divorce. But I can’t imagine why a loving God would want me to stay in a situation where I was so miserable where (frankly) my husband abused the marriage (not me, but the marriage itself) and where I sank to despair and hatred. I wonder, maybe it’s supposed to be my cross to bear and I am letting myself get lead astray by this separation and pending divorce?
I also think about annulment now. I think I might seek one on the grounds that he never wanted to have children (where before we were married we sat in front of a priest and agreed we would!). I want the annulment because I think I might like to be free to marry again at some point and have that large family I want to have. But is it sinful for me to want this now? We aren’t even divorced yet–but at the same time I feel like we were never even married.
I think he’d go along with an annulment because on our wedding day he said to me, “if this doesn’t work out, we can just get this annulled right?” Although in retrospect, that should have been a red flag for me.
Anyone have any advice or insight… please? I want to talk to my parish priest, but I am afraid at the same time of what he will say or think of me. I think I need some time to get the guts to face him.
Thank you all, and God bless you all too.
My husband and I are both Catholic, although he doesn’t attend Mass and never did. He does not take part in the sacraments expect when I “make” him go at Christmas. If I were hard pressed to p(name removed by moderator)oint who he worships, I’d say it’s money. Everything he does in his life centers around money. Before we were married, we talked about having children, after we were married he said, “no, they cost too much money.” He did agree to have one child, but no more.
He said one of the specific reasons he wants to divorce me is because I don’t make enough money and don’t take my career advancement seriously enough because I have no desire to be a CEO. I raise our daughter, do all the housework, do most of the yardwork, work fulltime at a decent paying job… so I am not a lazybones. While I work fulltime, my primary job is mother and I put my daughter over the job–I don’t want to be a CEO when I have a child to raise. But by doing that did I wrong my husband in some regard? Was I putting my needs and our child’s over his (forsaking all others?)
He also had what is called an emotional affair. I suspect it was more than that, but that’s all I can prove. I found train tickets in another woman’s name, found out they shared hotel rooms together on multiple occasions, he would go places and “panic” when I asked to go along, and I suspect some of his “late night working” is seeing her or someone else. He often remembers us having sex when we did not (I think he’s mixing me up with other people). He says they are just friends and I am making too much out of it. He’s had other such relationships thought out marriage.
I asked him to try marriage counseling. At first he went, but he joked about it and then decided it was too much money and stopped going. It was at this point that I “Gave up” on the marriage. I felt like I was putting all this effort and self sacrifice into trying to preserve it and he wasn’t doing anything. When I stopped trying to appease him at the sake of everything and everyone else, the house of cards fell down.
I slowly grew to hate him too over this time period of trying to preserve the marriage. I mean really hate him with a loathing I never felt before. This hatred seemed to consume me from the inside and it spread to me hating his family members as well (for no reason!) I confessed this sin often, but it wouldn’t let go of me. Finally, the day he asked for a divorce it seems to vanish. I felt free from this hatred (and I feel guilty for that hatred now–where I didn’t before). I know it might not be the correct things to say, but it’s like a demon in me was banished.
Now that we are separated, life seems good to me again. I feel happy and loving for the first time in years. I no longer hate anyone and it feels so good. And it feels so good to be off the “keep up with the Jones” treadmill with his money and martial possession obsessions. I don’t have to worry about STDs anymore too.
But I worry that I am doing the wrong thing. What about our daughter? I feel badly because she too seems happier now that her father is gone. I try to preserve their relationship, but she wants to distance herself too. She cries when I bring her to him to spend time. She said she hated the way “daddy yelled at you all the time.” (he didn’t really “yell” but was very sharp toned and condescending… like the way you’d scold a “bad dog.”) I worry how a divorce in the future will effect her–maybe it will be good or maybe bad. I don’t know.
And what about God? It says in scripture that he hates divorce. But I can’t imagine why a loving God would want me to stay in a situation where I was so miserable where (frankly) my husband abused the marriage (not me, but the marriage itself) and where I sank to despair and hatred. I wonder, maybe it’s supposed to be my cross to bear and I am letting myself get lead astray by this separation and pending divorce?
I also think about annulment now. I think I might seek one on the grounds that he never wanted to have children (where before we were married we sat in front of a priest and agreed we would!). I want the annulment because I think I might like to be free to marry again at some point and have that large family I want to have. But is it sinful for me to want this now? We aren’t even divorced yet–but at the same time I feel like we were never even married.
I think he’d go along with an annulment because on our wedding day he said to me, “if this doesn’t work out, we can just get this annulled right?” Although in retrospect, that should have been a red flag for me.
Anyone have any advice or insight… please? I want to talk to my parish priest, but I am afraid at the same time of what he will say or think of me. I think I need some time to get the guts to face him.
Thank you all, and God bless you all too.