Husband belittling my values

[sydney28]

I’m feeling very frustrated and hurt right now after a fight we had last night. He wanted to go see the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” or “What Happens in Vegas”. Before I see a movie I check the USCCB movie ratings and if it is rated “O” (morally offensive) then I don’t go see it. Both of those were rated “O” so I told him I didn’t want to see them. He kept asking me why so I pulled up the USCCB website and showed him the reviews. He smirked and shook his head and made a comment about me letting the Catholic church make all my decisions for me, etc. (he isn’t Catholic)

I told him that I don’t enjoy sitting through movies filled with profanity, nudity, gratuitous sex, toilet humor…and that he should respect that I don’t want to fill my mind with trash. He said he doesn’t respect that, and that as married couples we are supposed to be able to go out and enjoy things together, but I don’t want to go do any of the things HE wants to do, therefore I’m being selfish. I replied that I agree we should do things together, but not things that compromise my values. His response to that was “so are you going to just continue to become more and more uptight?”

I really don’t think I’m in the wrong here…and I don’t think that being a spouse means having to do anything and everything that your spouse wants you to do, despite the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable or goes against your values.

He used to care a lot about religion and spirituality when we were dating, but since marriage he has shown very little interest and has even become critical of the church. Anyhow…mostly just venting, but also asking for prayers. Thank you

 

[Island_Oak]

I told him that I don’t enjoy sitting through movies filled with profanity, nudity, gratuitous sex, toilet humor…and that he should respect that I don’t want to fill my mind with trash. He said he doesn’t respect that, and that as married couples we are supposed to be able to go out and enjoy things together, but I don’t want to go do any of the things HE wants to do, therefore I’m being selfish. I replied that I agree we should do things together, but not things that compromise my values. His response to that was “so are you going to just continue to become more and more uptight?”

I really don’t think I’m in the wrong here…and I don’t think that being a spouse means having to do anything and everything that your spouse wants you to do, despite the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable or goes against your values.

He used to care a lot about religion and spirituality when we were dating, but since marriage he has shown very little interest and has even become critical of the church. Anyhow…mostly just venting, but also asking for prayers. Thank you

I see a big red flag waving here. You certainly were not wrong in what you did–nor did you make it a “Catholic” issue~you simply were not interested in being subjected to vulgar images for entertainment and yet he wouldn’t budge nor acknowledge the validity of your feelings, much less how honorable and admirable it is to have a spouse who upholds such standards. I think you two need to spend some time seriously exploring this issue together particularly since you describe him as becoming less spiritual and increasingly hostile to the Church since your marriage.

 

[takers]

What I got from your post was that he wants to do things with you but is having trouble figuring out what you can both do together that is something he’d enjoy. I’d recommend sitting down and talking about what things he would like to do that you would also like to do, or that you’d be willing to do knowing that you may not completely like the activity. Also have a similar conversation on what you would like to do that he would like/be willing to do. Sounds like there’s been a break in communication that needs to be dealt with.

 

[dulcissima]

Maybe he is feeling frustrated that you give blanket authority to the USCCB for making your decisions for you, even when they aren’t assuming that authority. Their opinions on movies are just that, opinions. I can understand how you might use their reviews to give you an idea of whether or not you might feel comfortable seeing the moving, but it seems to give them too much sway to say that you will go with what they say with no further investigation or without taking into consideration what your husband wants.

At first I didn’t think I would want to see What Happens in Vegas because I don’t like vulgar movies, and assumed that is what it would be. After looking at the plot line, it didn’t seem that bad. I went and saw it, and it was kind of cute. Definitely not a bunch of nudity or profanity, some potty humor. The couple in it is not Catholic, so they would not be bound by the Catholic form of marriage, and what they had to discover through out the course of the movie was what a real marriage and real love was.

I think your husband might like it if you talked to him and discussed things. You can let him know what your values are and what you don’t want to see in a movie, then maybe research it a little further together. I can see where he might feel slighted if you just said the USCCB rates it O, so the case is closed and I am not going to think about it. Seeing a movie with a little bit of low brow humor is not a sin. I actually think seeing a movie like this could lead to a good conversation between you and your husband.

 

[Belgarion]

Its a personal preference thing

As long as there is no nudity or something, its fine to watch movies like that.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is NOT a movie you’d want to see.
Vegas might be OK, but THAT one depends on your own personal preference.

I myself can handle crude movies like that, but I don’t watch movies with nudity. Except 300…I closed my eyes and/or looked at the wall. It was a rather comic moment for me, being an 18 year old guy.

anyways. I believe you’re right in defending your entertainment preferences. Its called being morally responsible, and its an admirable quality. My sister does the same thing, except her husband is Catholic and only whines when its a movie that he really wanted to see and is disappointed that it would be spoiled by nudity or something like that.

In my opinion, non-catholics seem to rush to the “The Church is controlling you” argument. Yet they fail to see that society itself is controlling THEM. Yet the big difference is that one adheres to natural law, and the other seems to want to spit on it.
Ask him why he thinks that way, and perhaps ask him about good qualities he would like in a person. Any person. Often you’ll find contradictory answers. Perhaps pointing that out could help him see things your way.

 

[1ke]

Dulcissima, rarely do I disagree with you but I do disagree here on all counts.

This isn’t about a movie at all. This is about her husband lacking respect for her values and practice of religion. They chose to marry outside their own religion and value system, which makes things more difficult from the start. But, even if they do not share the same values and beliefs they each deserve respect and dignity as persons.

If the OP’s values and beliefs lead her to decide certain movies, activities, etc, are things she does not want to engage in, then her husband should never belittle those decisions, harp on her the way he did pestering her and making disparaging remaks about her beliefs. And, vice versa.

Married couples are not obligated to do everything together. If he wants to see a movie she’s not interested in or go play paintball or what-have-you, then he can go with friends or by himself. If he doesn’t like attending church, knitting, scrapbooking, or purse shopping those are activities she should pursue with friends or by herself.

Their “couple time” can be spent in MUTUALLY agreeable activities like dinner out, bowling, or whatever.

More troubling is that he seems to have put on a religious act before their were married and has now dropped it. To me, that is nothing short of fraud.

 

[dulcissima]

Well, I am in therapy trying to learn how to not be so accommodating.

I definitely don’t think that a husband should belittle a wife’s values. Just, I do think it is possible to get to wrapped up in the fine print and miss the bigger message. She shouldn’t have to see a movie that she doesn’t want to see, but if she is wanting to open her husband up to her religion, then she should be careful about turning her husband down in joining him in something he wants to do and using her religion as the reason. It would not be objectively sinful for her to go and see the movie. She doesn’t want to though. She should communicate why she doesn’t want to, what it is in a movie that she is or is not looking for, rather than just passing the buck to the USCCB. I am sure to her husband that it looks like not only is she not interested in what he wants but also that she can’t think for herself.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Before I see a movie I check the USCCB movie ratings and if it is rated “O” (morally offensive) then I don’t go see it. Both of those were rated “O” so I told him I didn’t want to see them. …I told him that I don’t enjoy sitting through movies filled with profanity, nudity, gratuitous sex, toilet humor…I agree we should do things together, but not things that compromise my values. His response to that was **“so are you going to just continue to become more and more uptight?” **

I really don’t think I’m in the wrong here…

I don’t think you are in the wrong either, but I suspect from your post that perhaps you have matured and changed. Movies for supposedly “mature audiences” may offend you now when they didn’t previously.

It may not be that your husband’s spiritual values declined as much as yours rose. Even though I have been Christian all my life, I didn’t used to let my faith influence my movie selection very much. As I grew in my faith, my tastes changed. I’ve seen old movies on tv that I once enjoyed at the theatre when they first came out, but now I find offensive. My standards rose. My husband is a decent, spiritual person, but I have higher standards in movies than he does. Frankly, sometimes I have higher standards than the USCCB movie reviewers.

Maybe something similar happened for you. Your husband may be simply trying to take you on a date to the movies, not offend you. The unfortuanately reality is that most movies in the theatre do offend Christian values. Try to understand that from his perspective, he may just want to go on a date with his wife to the movies that everyone else is seeing. It’s difficult to live out mature Christian morality in this culture. My husband and I argue about this same issue from time to time, but it’s gotten better and we both find such a great thrill now when we find movies that we both enjoy!

 

[BabyFang]

I think it’s a major red flag that he said he doesn’t respect your values if he ment it. On the other hand, he may have misspoken or just said it out of anger. If I were you, I would talk to him about that.

I know it’s not the point, but I don’t agree with many of those moral movie sites. I found that most of them are scrupulous. I have heard that Forgetting Sarah Marshall is dirty but have never seen it. It just doesn’t sound interesting to me. One reason that I dislike those sites is that many condemned the movie Juno because they say that it promotes teen pregnancy. I find that to be false. Juno actullay is a movie with a good moral. It’s about love and family. I also like the songs. I believe in getting all the facts before you decide.

But if you still do not feel comfortable, then don’t go see it. I respect your opinion. Your husband should too, if he truley loves you.

 

[GhostMan]

/man bashing pause on
Maybe you’re being judgemental and self-righteous in aspects of your life and he’s tired of being disrespected.

You’ve told him that these strangers (ratings board) have more sway over your choices than he does, and that you don’t value his opinions at all anymore. You’ve also told him that if he wants to spend time with you he’s going to have do all the changing.

Is he belittling your faith or lashing out in hurt at what he perceives to be a problem between you. Maybe it’s time to treat your husband with a little respect and caring. Maybe, just maybe, you’d see him loosen up towards your religion and be a bit more open.

/man bashing pause off

Ok, ladies, resume crucifying him.

 

[kage_ar]

I’m a woman here - and would agree with the advice to use movie review websites as suggestions. These reviews are done by hired folks, they do not carry the weight of the Magusterium.

Remember last year, when the board was in a tizzy because the USCCB movie reviewer liked “The Golden Compass”?

Perhaps you can read different reviews, and base your opinions there?

 

[gardenswithkids]

/man bashing pause on …/man bashing pause off

Ok, ladies, resume crucifying him.

Did you actually bother to read all of the posts here, or did you just assume every woman here was male bashing?

 

[Belgarion]

I’m a male that is male bashing

It happens.

I am just not cursed like the rest of my kind.

 

[Peach0218]

There is nothing wrong with the OP feeling that she doesn’t want to expose herself to something that doesn’t feed her spiritually. While it may be possible to view morally offensive films (or films with morally offensive parts) and discuss them in light of her Catholic beliefs, that may not be something she wants to do with her free time or even feels capable of doing at this time. I know that these types of movies seem to bother me more than they bother my husband, and we’ve had to come to an understanding that it’s just not an enjoyable hobby for me. Somebody else pointed out the importance of good communication in this type of situation, and I second that. It’s important that he is respectful of her feelings on this issue, and it’s important that she doesn’t get “holier-than-thou” if he isn’t. (At least in my experience ) A helpful thing might be to offer other movies to see and/or make sure to go out on dates that do things they both enjoy. And of course pray for loving communication

 

[gam3rchic]

I don’t care where the OP gets her reviews from…if she doesn’t want to see a movie, she shouldn’t have to go see it. Period. End of story.

I would never force my spouse to do something he really doesn’t wanna do, especially over something petty like movies.

I’m sensitive to what movies I watch, my husband is a movie-guru and even though he would like us to go see some movies together, he respects that some movies I just don’t want to go see. He doesn’t force me, he doesn’t give me a guilt trip, he waits till it comes out on DVD and watches it on his own time. That’s what we call compromising in marriage.

 

[GhostMan]

Did you actually bother to read all of the posts here, or did you just assume every woman here was male bashing?

Yes, I read every one. The OP did not come her posting a quesiton, or looking for ideas about how to difuse the issue, she came here with a clear intention of smack-talking her husband and looking for others to help. She even confesses to coming here to vent.

Once she got started, people seemed glad to pile on the chap. We were only a few threads from the inevitable “he’s a control freak” and from there it would descend into worries about her physical safety, wondering if he is adicted to porn if they don’t use NFP and - a page or two down the line - he’s probably cheating on her anyway.

I merely pointed out that it seemed to me that she was - perhaps - acting in self-righteous ways that reminded him of the differences in their marriage. The OP states:

He used to care a lot about religion and spirituality when we were dating, but since marriage he has shown very little interest and has even become critical of the church

To me that’s red flag for her beating him over the head with religion day in and out. He’s probably sick and tired of being acused of being a heathen.

If the goal is to help him over to the Kingdom of God, then nagging, judging, self-righteous pronoucements and all the other things that come so easily to those of us who are religious will have an adverse effect.

Again, I think his side has not been aired and he’s been treated very unfairly here.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Yes, I read every one. …Again, I think his side has not been aired and he’s been treated very unfairly here.

I’m a male that is male bashing…

I am perplexed by the charges of male bashing against posters here.

The op had an argument with her husband. She presented her side; several posters tried to point out what might be his side of the argument and offered different perspectives on the situation. Belgarion, if all posts proceeding GhostMan’s bashed men, then that includes your first post too. GhostMan’s first post made some very good points, but it included a bit of attitude which is counter productive.

Here are a few posts that seem free from any male bashing:

What I got from your post was that he wants to do things with you but is having trouble figuring out what you can both do together that is something he’d enjoy……

Maybe he is feeling frustrated that you give blanket authority to the USCCB for making your decisions for you, even when they aren’t assuming that authority. Their opinions on movies are just that, opinions. …I can see where he might feel slighted if you just said the USCCB rates it O, so the case is closed and I am not going to think about it…

…Your husband may be simply trying to take you on a date to the movies, not offend you. … Try to understand that from his perspective, he may just want to go on a date with his wife to the movies that everyone else is seeing. …

 

[shannyk]

You’ve told him that these strangers (ratings board) have more sway over your choices than he does, and that you don’t value his opinions at all anymore. You’ve also told him that if he wants to spend time with you he’s going to have do all the changing.

Is he belittling your faith or lashing out in hurt at what he perceives to be a problem between you. Maybe it’s time to treat your husband with a little respect and caring. Maybe, just maybe, you’d see him loosen up towards your religion and be a bit more open.

Don’t really want to get into the fray here, but I think this is actually a very insightful look into how the OP’s DH probably sees things…

No, I don’t think the OP should have to sit through smut if she doesn’t want to, but it seems to me there is probably a LOT more going on behind the scenes so to speak to make DH react as he did… :twocents:

 

[shannyk]

Dulcissima, rarely do I disagree with you but I do disagree here on all counts.

This isn’t about a movie at all. This is about her husband lacking respect for her values and practice of religion. They chose to marry outside their own religion and value system, which makes things more difficult from the start. But, even if they do not share the same values and beliefs they each deserve respect and dignity as persons.

If the OP’s values and beliefs lead her to decide certain movies, activities, etc, are things she does not want to engage in, then her husband should never belittle those decisions, harp on her the way he did pestering her and making disparaging remaks about her beliefs. And, vice versa.

Married couples are not obligated to do everything together. If he wants to see a movie she’s not interested in or go play paintball or what-have-you, then he can go with friends or by himself. If he doesn’t like attending church, knitting, scrapbooking, or purse shopping those are activities she should pursue with friends or by herself.

Their “couple time” can be spent in MUTUALLY agreeable activities like dinner out, bowling, or whatever.

More troubling is that he seems to have put on a religious act before their were married and has now dropped it. To me, that is nothing short of fraud.

Well see now this make total sense. OP’s DH should not be so condescending and disrespectful to his wife for sure.

Like I said in my other post, I think there is more to this story (isn’t there always?).

I do disagree that the OP’s DH is a ‘fraud’ though…she knew he wasn’t Catholic when she married him so why is it a shock that they don’t share the same values/morals? She married him accepting that.

Catholics considering marrying non-Catholics please take note

 

[estesbob]

I’m a woman here - and would agree with the advice to use movie review websites as suggestions. These reviews are done by hired folks, they do not carry the weight of the Magusterium.

Remember last year, when the board was in a tizzy because the USCCB movie reviewer liked “The Golden Compass”?

Perhaps you can read different reviews, and base your opinions there?

And lets not forget that I am going to burn in Hell(per many CAF memebers) for watching the Harry Potter movies