Husband belittling my values

[23eagle23]

Yes, I read every one. The OP did not come her posting a quesiton, or looking for ideas about how to difuse the issue, she came here with a clear intention of smack-talking her husband and looking for others to help. She even confesses to coming here to vent.

Once she got started, people seemed glad to pile on the chap. We were only a few threads from the inevitable “he’s a control freak” and from there it would descend into worries about her physical safety, wondering if he is adicted to porn if they don’t use NFP and - a page or two down the line - he’s probably cheating on her anyway.

I merely pointed out that it seemed to me that she was - perhaps - acting in self-righteous ways that reminded him of the differences in their marriage. The OP states:

To me that’s red flag for her beating him over the head with religion day in and out. He’s probably sick and tired of being acused of being a heathen.

If the goal is to help him over to the Kingdom of God, then nagging, judging, self-righteous pronoucements and all the other things that come so easily to those of us who are religious will have an adverse effect.

Again, I think his side has not been aired and he’s been treated very unfairly here.

Outstanding, totally agree…

and the bashing will continue…

 

[jman507]

Don’t really want to get into the fray here, but I think this is actually a very insightful look into how the OP’s DH probably sees things…

No, I don’t think the OP should have to sit through smut if she doesn’t want to, but it seems to me there is probably a LOT more going on behind the scenes so to speak to make DH react as he did… :twocents:

I’ll have to agree here. If you want to feel hurt about him not understanding and dismissing your reasoning about why not to go, I see no problem with it. It might be him just trying to goad you into going, because he wants you to go. He could also be doing it just to disrespect your faith.

I don’t really see that this incident is being that big of a deal, the principle regarding it is. That your going to have to have talk to each other about. I’m sure if you want to press his buttons you can do that too, but it’s never a good idea to do that just to do that. Your going to have to find out from his ideas and feelings on the subject, and figure out how best to get your ideas across to him.

If you want to vent, I can understand. It is irritating when people think that it’s the Church making one’s decisions. One doesn’t have to morally abide by the list. You can choose to consult the list you can do with it as you please.

 

[sydney28]

Well I didn’t realize my post would cause such a stir…but to the guy who thinks I beat my husband over the head with self-righteous religious nagging, you couldn’t be more wrong. I never asked my husband to convert, I never insist he goes to mass with me, but I also don’t make my beliefs a secret.

When we dated, he knew Catholicism was a very important part of my life and it was HIS idea to go through RCIA to learn more about being Catholic. He offered to go to a young adult bible study with me each week and to weekly mass when he was able. In fact he told me that one of the main reasons he married me was because of my strong faith. Maybe I did get my hopes up that he might convert someday or that he valued the teachings of the church, but I wasn’t basing that off of anything other than his actions.

To me, it shows a complete change in behavior to be putting me down because of a value that he supposedly married me for. Maybe I am a little picky about movies I see, but if I want to base my viewing preferences off of the USCCB reviews, then that is my perogative. It is as good as any other Christian-based review system, since the MPAA reviews are not trustworthy (in my opinion). And yes, I was “venting”, but I don’t think venting my hurt feelings and frustrations necessarily equals bashing.

 

[Eliza10]

You did a good job sticking up for yourself, Sydney. Nothing in your post indicated to me that you were one to hit your husband over the head with religion, or that you are a nag.

Also the fact that he had to *keep nagging *you as to why you checked the Catholic website indicated to me that you were not inclined to discuss religion with him.

I think its wrong, and very unwise, to label people here as being bashers. If that poster would read closely, rather than discount the other posters with a degrading (and inaccurate) label, he might learn something.

Unfortuantely, human nature is that when someone accuses someone, others assume the accused must have done something to deserve the criticism. Instead, it is charitable to assume the accused is innocent until proven guilty. One’s judgement should be withheld until more information is gathered, so one can get an indication whether the accused* did* something, or the accusor is just an accusor.

Red flags for me are that he is belittling you. Thats what you said, and if it is so, that is not husband behavior. Smirking at your wife is indicates serious problems. Unless this is an isolated incident, and he has a medical condition that affects his personality. I am thinking of the good marraiges I know, such as my parents - my father never once smirked at my mother. There are no smirkers in the good marriages I know.

He says he doesn’t respect you, he says he believes that you don’t want to do ANYTHING he wants to do, and he believes you are too “uptight” and will continue to become more so. I think there can’t be a better excuse for marriage counseling, since he is so unhappy with you.

…http://italophiles.com/images/bot_virgin8angels.jpg

 

[Cari]

1. Sign up for Netflix
2. fill up your queue together
3. spend the night in, watching movies you’ve both agreed on
4. save money on gas, tickets, and food
5. and don’t worry about getting caught “necking” in the back row
   

(p.s. Belgarion, love your screen name. I’m a huge Eddings fan myself)

 

[Nanny_PK]

1. Sign up for Netflix
2. fill up your queue together
3. spend the night in, watching movies you’ve both agreed on
4. save money on gas, tickets, and food
5. and don’t worry about getting caught “necking” in the back row
   

What a wonderful solution!!!

 

[Belgarion]

1. Sign up for Netflix
2. fill up your queue together
3. spend the night in, watching movies you’ve both agreed on
4. save money on gas, tickets, and food
5. and don’t worry about getting caught “necking” in the back row
   

That’s the best solution I’ve heard. Of course more can be done in addition to that, since it seems to be a respect issue as well…

(p.s. Belgarion, love your screen name. I’m a huge Eddings fan myself)

I love his books. I’ve read the Belgariad and Mallorean series two time over at least…Those were the best days of my life…

 

[Spirithound]

/man bashing pause on
Maybe you’re being judgemental and self-righteous in aspects of your life and he’s tired of being disrespected.

You’ve told him that these strangers (ratings board) have more sway over your choices than he does, and that you don’t value his opinions at all anymore. You’ve also told him that if he wants to spend time with you he’s going to have do all the changing.

Is he belittling your faith or lashing out in hurt at what he perceives to be a problem between you. Maybe it’s time to treat your husband with a little respect and caring. Maybe, just maybe, you’d see him loosen up towards your religion and be a bit more open.

/man bashing pause off

Ok, ladies, resume crucifying him.

Spirithound, 23/m/London
Why shouldn’t she use a reviewer to vet the films she would consider seeing? Her husband has not seen the film, he cannot be a reviewer.
This is a morality issue, not an opinion issue. The OP should not violate her morals just to please him. Maybe his should tighten up a little.

 

[ksanety]

Yes, I read every one. The OP did not come her posting a quesiton, or looking for ideas about how to difuse the issue, she came here with a clear intention of smack-talking her husband and looking for others to help. She even confesses to coming here to vent.

Once she got started, people seemed glad to pile on the chap. We were only a few threads from the inevitable “he’s a control freak” and from there it would descend into worries about her physical safety, wondering if he is adicted to porn if they don’t use NFP and - a page or two down the line - he’s probably cheating on her anyway.

I merely pointed out that it seemed to me that she was - perhaps - acting in self-righteous ways that reminded him of the differences in their marriage. The OP states:

To me that’s red flag for her beating him over the head with religion day in and out. He’s probably sick and tired of being acused of being a heathen.

If the goal is to help him over to the Kingdom of God, then nagging, judging, self-righteous pronoucements and all the other things that come so easily to those of us who are religious will have an adverse effect.

Again, I think his side has not been aired and he’s been treated very unfairly here.

Hello everyone,

I have been a lurker on this forum for quite some time now (months) but never but once posted anything. I, however felt compelled to address this remark from GhostMan. Sorry if I derail the thread.

GhostMan, you know my story and know I want nothing more than to be fair in spite of my bias (by the way, yes I have been cutting the puppet strings on my shoulders and thanks for being so nice). However, I must say, I am not sure if you are being just/fair with your comment. Maybe it is that as a man you see things differently but I do not know where the male-bashing happened.

After reading both of your posts, I went back to reread the whole thread and thought I must have missed something because I still did not see what you were seeing. It is one thing to point out lack of charity (male-bashing) but maybe you could point out where the lack of charity happened. Also, as the following poster mentioned, several posters honestly tried to bring up what could have been his (OP’s husband) point of view.

Note: I want to add that the points you made in your initial posts were more than valid I just disagree with the male bashing comment.

Sandra.