Husband-Brother Fighting

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Wow. I hate being in this position. My dear husband and my older brother do NOT get along. They are cordial most of the time, but my DH can’t stand my brother. My brother is very self-centered and condescending to my husband. Well, I am sure my husband is not innocent in all of this, either. He tends to have a short temper and little patience. I have prayed about it , but it is hard. We have a family business and they are in close quarters most of the time. I am not really sure…I try not to get in the middle, but it is upsetting b/c I just want them to get along. I know that I must support my husband and I do, but I try and ask him to relax and have even asked him not to complain about my brother to me because it hurts my feelings. What should I do? Being that it is a family business, we would have to change a lot to spend less time together…any advise?
 
advice for them? they won’t take it but they should hire a third party to manage the business and each stick to their defined jobs in the company and limit their advise and (name removed by moderator)ut to stockholder meetings.
advice for you? back off, it’s not your fight. it has been going in since they were children, it is not about you, your husband has to learn to deal.
 
You have probably already done this, but make sure you are clear and honest with your husband that you understand that your brother is self centered and condescending. Sometimes all it takes is to know that you understand.
** Then ask him to be the bigger man and let it go. Tell him that you know you married a wonderful man who is so much better than your brother and that you hate to see him brought down to that level. You know who and what your brother is and know that he will not change. But he’s your brother so ask him to please not disrespect you by complaining to you.**
**Also, you said it would require major changes to get out of the situation, but are they possible? Have a talk with your hubby about it. **
Malia
 
hi i am wondering about one thing…

when he complains to you, does he want you to do something about it or is he just venting?

if he is just venting, then i think that you should just listen and like the previous poster said, empathise and ask him to be the bigger man… after all isnt it better that he vents in front of you and then calms down rather than carrying all that around with him?

if he is asking you to fix it, then you need to tell him that although he is your highest priority after God, it is not fair that you fight on his behalf with your brother as that will just make things ugly and undermine him as you are speaking for him, and that does not look good.
 
IMHO, business is less important than family. I’d look at a way to disentangle from the confilct, love them both, but not get in the middle. If there is a way to back out of the business, and maintain the family harmony, that would be MY choice.
 
puzzleannie said:
if you were having a major tiff with your sister would you welcome interference from your husband or hers?
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It’s not the husband’s brother it’s her brother (making him the brother-in-law to her husband.) She is not having the tiff with her brother, her husband is having the tiff with her brother
 
Yes, all of that is correct…it is my brother and my husband. I try to stay out of it, but I really get tired of the complaining from my husband. He is venting. He talks about how unhappy it makes him having to be around him. I have mentioned to him that he could change jobs, but there is no movement in that department…comfort zone maybe? And he knows that we really need his help around here. He is a big asset, just grumpy.
 
Just an update. I am at peace now. I realize now it is my brother that is the instigator and the problem. I was so busy trying to defend him because I found it hard to believe that he was so mean. I actually now feel sorry for my brother because he must be so unhappy and troubled to be this cruel to other seemingly to make himself feel better. I pray for my husband that he does whatever he can to get out of this situation for his own sanity and happiness and I am dearly sorry for any time that I ever questioned his actions. I feel so sad and sorry that he has been trying so hard and being hurt so much by my brother without much comfort from me.
 
I was just going to respond that maybe you should get between them (in a sense), and likely your brother will push you closer to your husband.
 
Yes, your duty is to your husband. Be his comfort and let him know you understand the problem.
 
There comes a point in time when people need to grow up. Your husband needs to deal with this problem, and as I get the impression that the family business means your family and the brother is the superior then perhaps it’s time for him to find new employment. Maybe the reason your brother is not happy with the situation is that your husband is not competent in his position but your brother cannot terminate him like he would another employee and resents the situation.
 
Actually, quite the opposite. My husband is quite competent and I think my brother feels threatened that he is pointing out my brothers failures and weaknesses and is unwilling to accept his suggestions.
 
Catholic90 said:
It’s HER HUSBAND and HER BROTHER.
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Sorry - I agree with Puzzleannie.

We know the relationship between all three of them; however, oftentimes people can interpret those relationships to mean that whatever goofy situation those people get themselves into it becomes YOUR goofy situation as well.

I think you did well to ask your husband not to complain to you about your brother. BUT I have no doubt he will, and it will hurt your feelings and your husband will feel abandoned because you do not completely 'take his side".

Perhaps, for now, you could come up with a phrase to use that would express sympathy for your husband while continuing to establish the clear boundary between his personality conflict with your brother and how it is his responsibility, as a big boy, to deal with it as a good, solid, Catholic man.

I don’t know - how about something like: “Oh I am so sorry you are having problems with Brother. I hope you can come up with a solution to the problem. I love you. How 'bout those Giants?”.

Or maybe: “I’m sorry he is such a jerk to you, honey. I am so glad I married a man like you. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to someone who didn’t know how to deal with Brother as a Catholic man should. Can I give you a neck rub?”.

Does anyone else have a good idea for a “I love you - you are wonderful - this is your problem so deal with it like a big boy” response to complaints?

🙂
 
rasmussen said:
Actually, quite the opposite. My husband is quite competent and I think my brother feels threatened that he is pointing out my brothers failures and weaknesses and is unwilling to accept his suggestions.
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I’m sorry, but it’s not apporiate behavior to point out a superior’s flaws, or at least precieved flaws. IMO, the issue is not that your brother feels threatend by your husband, but doesn’t find the situation of being told off by an underling acceptable. Your husband feels comfortable behaving in this way as he’s shielded by the marriage. Honestly, if I were your brother I’d just pink slip him. It really seems like your husband needs to either accept his role as underling or find new employment. Extended family and business never mix well.
 
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