Husband Can't Keep a Job

[1ke]

leave with the kids to Arizona with your parents (NOT really meaning it, just an act to see what he says…probably a bad idea, but I still would do it).

This is terribly bad advice. Leaving a spouse and taking children across state lines can be custodial interference or worse-- kidnapping!

The OP should seek legal advice before doing anything like that.

Leaving a spouse, issuing ultimatums, and fleeing to another state “just to see what he says” is NOT prudent in any way, shape or form.

 

[E_7]

This is terribly bad advice. L

Obviously. I wasn’t saying otherwise.

 

[ThePCWife]

It’s way more than 4 years income for the majority of American families.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Household_income_in_the_United_States

Apparently for most US families $400,000 is closer to 8-10 years income than it is 4 years income. For anyone to not consider that a life altering amount is outrageous. I can’t even imagine circumstances where receiving an inheritance at all, let alone hundreds of thousands of dollars, is a possibility for most people to even dream of.

I do have sympathy for this family though. When spouses are not on the same page with life choices often things seem completely overwhelming. When secrecy and selfishness are an everyday part of the way they live out their life together it just continues to spiral out of control. She can’t force changes on anyone but herself so she might as well start trying to find alternatives she can make happen and continue praying he follows her lead.

Nope, that figure includes households of one person. Households with married parents and under-18 children are closer to 90-100k median. Four years is about right for their family size and circumstances, especially since the OP lives in a high-cost of living area.

 

[ThePCWife]

Well the problem is this. I have not worked for over 11 years, and I am at a huge disadvantage, as I never planned to be a career woman. I could maybe get a job at a Starbucks or Target, but that would not really solve our financial problems as those jobs pay too little to make childcare worthwhile (my kids are 4, 6, and 10.) I am 39 years of age and would be competing against younger people with no other life commitments or responsibilities, who would take off work when the kids were sick or had sports games? My husband says he is too busy “looking for work” and not suited for being a full time homemaker.

If I worked full time I would come home to a filthy house, kids who hadn’t done their homework, and a dark kitchen waiting for me to cook dinner, then I’d stay up doing all the housekeeping and laundry, and I’d still have to make all the kids appointments, schedule car pool, manage school events.

The bottom line is that it is not practical for me to work. We put my husband through a masters program because this is his role and his responsibility which he CHOSE. There is no reason he can’t work at all other than that he doesn’t want to. He is not ill, or severely disabled. He did not get hurt or die. We have insurance for those emergencies. There is no insurance for being a loser.

The only reason we did not lose our house prior to this is that when his grandma died in 2010, she left us a nice chunk of money that was supposed to be used to make investments for our future but instead we have depleted it for living expenses and private medical insurance for the kids. It wasn’t a life-altering amount of money, it was about 400,000, but I think my husband felt like he was living the dream. He did not see how quickly 400,000 can be spent and gone especially with three kids. He thought he could coast and wasted time going to seminars and get rich quick conferences that only wasted our money. I should have never married him.

I am reluctant to reveal the cash my parents give me because it’s MINE. It’s how I paid for school supplies, how i buy groceries, how I fill my gas tank. I am really not sure I want to let that go and have my kids and myself suffer even more because my husband is a piece of garbage.

I think you are being pessimistic about access to childcare as a working “single” mother. People will rush to help you out, at least that is the norm in my high cost of living area. The single and divorced mothers working lower paying jobs never have to pay full price for childcare. Some of them get continuous free childcare from church members or friends who hear about the divorce. You might also be able to catch a break with housecleaning as well.

 

[bitterhope]

Nope, that figure includes households of one person. Households with married parents and under-18 children are closer to 90-100k median. Four years is about right for their family size and circumstances, especially since the OP lives in a high-cost of living area.

From the link, towards the bottom of the page:

“And the median household income for families with a stay-at-home mom and a full-time working dad was $55,000 in 2014, roughly half the median income for families in which both parents work full-time ($102,400)”

pewsocialtrends.org/2015/12/17/1-the-american-family-today/

For a SAHM family (like the OP) $400,000 is way more than 4 years income in average. If an area is more expensive they can opt not to stay home or they can move.

 

[heidi_storage]

**

God bless, it is good that you came here, please be assured of my prayers. Obviously you are frustrated. Clearly your husband has many problems and is showing a propensity to be lazy according to what you have written, I cannot argue with that. I can also say that both of you though, seem to have a stubborn streak. He is stubborn in that he will not admit his faults and do what he needs to do to support his family and you will not swallow your pride to even get a part time weekend job just to save money to save your home in the short term even to give you time to plan your future. The promises that your husband made that you could stay home full time are nice, but it is the oath that you both took at the ALTAR that you both have to honor and it seems that neither of you are focused on that. This is better-or-for-worse, that is what this is. That is what the priest meant! Your husband is at his WORST. He is selfish, he is self-centered so what are you going to do? He is not committing adultery, he is selfish so what are you going to do? You cannot tear his children away from him you have no basis for that so you will always have him in your life you know that already.

Sadly, I see three small children with a foreclosed home; and two parents pointing the blame at each other. What good is that? Would you rather have a home or be right? Do what you need to do to survive in the short term. Find something on the weekends, will it make your husband lazier? It might, but in all likelihood he has problems that go much deeper. In addition, you need to tell him about the money & gift cards from your parents as that is not fair to him. Keeping that hidden from him isn’t fair, he has a false sense that the bills are okay but they are not. His in-laws are paying them but then resenting him for it because he is not providing and you are resenting him as well but it is all a secret from him.

If this leads to divorce you WILL be working, so you are working now or you will be working then. You are angry I understand that. Unfortunately as others have mentioned you cannot change your husband you can only change yourself. Your options are divorce or stay. There is a risk he may re-marry someday and there may be a stepmother in your children’s lives that is a consideration to think about. How important is that to you over a part time job? I wish I had magic words to make this all better for you but I don’t, this just seems the reality at the moment, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please take care as best as you can and again, I am so sorry.**

 

[mommy_k]

I agree with Monicad too- however there is one other scenario…

She moves back in with her parents, legally with the kids if she gets divorced, and they support her and the kids, because in thier mind a mother needs to be home… This has happened in my family. The blame for this is placed on the husband, for all of it.

And,after the kids are grown, she will still believe that she cannot work, because too many years have transpired. So she lives forever with her parents.

 

[columbkille77]

It sounds like OP’s husband is a bit of a blowhard and difficult to get on with at work. That is unfortunate and has strained their financial situation and marriage, but the fact that so many on here are telling her to find safe houses and start prepping the kids to leave (based only on her side of the story, which includes (i) no mention of physical abuse or any serious emotional / verbal abuse beyond the fights that unfortunately all too many couples have, (ii) the fact that he spent his inheritance on the family but that she doesn’t want to spend her money on the family and (iii) the fact he has been employed most of the time during their marriage and brought in almost all the income) is really disheartening.

We decry the marriage crisis but then try to blow up marriages in our communities before really seeing if they can be fixed first??

Based on the advice given here, I’d suggest you get off the internet and go talk to your priest or parish ministry and see what individual / group counseling they can provide and ask your husband to do the same.

Don’t give up – at least not without fighting, and praying, for it first.

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

I agree with Monicad too- however there is one other scenario…

She moves back in with her parents, legally with the kids if she gets divorced, and they support her and the kids, because in thier mind a mother needs to be home… This has happened in my family. The blame for this is placed on the husband, for all of it.

And,after the kids are grown, she will still believe that she cannot work, because too many years have transpired. So she lives forever with her parents.

Actually, the plan would be for us to move to Arizona and live in my parents’ home while I go back to school. My mom, dad and sister (she and her husband live nearby) would help out with the kids while I attended nursing school. My parents would cover us financially. After a few years, I would be a in a position to work night shifts while the children slept, or during the day while they are in school. I wish I had been smarter and gotten myself a degree like this BEFORE I had kids. I have no intention of living long-term with my parents, I am almost 40 years of age. It would be a temporary solution with a plan to become independent in action.

I would never rip on my husband to the kids. They have no idea and believe we are a happy family. I would not forbid him from visiting them and communicating with him. And, I wouldn’t rule out a reconciliation SHOULD he get a decent job and KEEP IT, learn to be more responsible around the house, and grow up.

I made a big mistake when I was in my 20s and now the chickens are coming home to roost. I know this is ultimately my fault for choosing poorly.

Do you really think if I were to get a minimum wage job ($10 per hour, pre tax) on the weekends, even if I worked 16 hours - that $160 is really going to help? That’s less than we spend on groceries in a week. Our mortgage is $2,700 a month. It just wouldn’t be worth it to have my husband and the kids doing absolutely zero all weekend, destroying the house, eating McDonald’s while I schlepped at a low-paying job.

I do take marriage very seriously, but must I be punished for a lifetime over one dumb decision I made at 26?

 

[Coder]

My husband says that everyone is against him and that the problem is that too many people are “sheep” and just go along with corporate (he hates corporate!) instead of using his revolutionary ideas. I don’t think he’s insane, in a clinical sense, he’s just got zero personal insight and makes a million excuses.

He may have some valid points there. Maybe he just needs the right line of work that suits him, that’s all. It sounds like he might like sales e.g. auto sales, investment sales, property sales, antique dealer, ebay seller. Sounds like he just needs a field that gives him a little independence - some people can really step up to the plate if you give them the right circumstances - I completely relate to some people not fitting in to the corporate world - there’s a lot of politics in the corporate world.

At the same time, I empathize with you. Still, maybe he just needs the line of work that he can relate to - many people are not cut out for corporate.

 

[mommy_k]

Actually, the plan would be for us to move to Arizona and live in my parents’ home while I go back to school. My mom, dad and sister (she and her husband live nearby) would help out with the kids while I attended nursing school. My parents would cover us financially. After a few years, I would be a in a position to work night shifts while the children slept, or during the day while they are in school. I wish I had been smarter and gotten myself a degree like this BEFORE I had kids. I have no intention of living long-term with my parents, I am almost 40 years of age. It would be a temporary solution with a plan to become independent in action.

I would never rip on my husband to the kids. They have no idea and believe we are a happy family. I would not forbid him from visiting them and communicating with him. And, I wouldn’t rule out a reconciliation SHOULD he get a decent job and KEEP IT, learn to be more responsible around the house, and grow up.

I made a big mistake when I was in my 20s and now the chickens are coming home to roost. I know this is ultimately my fault for choosing poorly.

Do you really think if I were to get a minimum wage job ($10 per hour, pre tax) on the weekends, even if I worked 16 hours - that $160 is really going to help? That’s less than we spend on groceries in a week. Our mortgage is $2,700 a month. It just wouldn’t be worth it to have my husband and the kids doing absolutely zero all weekend, destroying the house, eating McDonald’s while I schlepped at a low-paying job.

I do take marriage very seriously, but must I be punished for a lifetime over one dumb decision I made at 26?

My relative got divorced about 30 years ago and that was her plan too, fast foward…she still never worked and lives with parent. One child has moved on, the other is following her footsteps, and lives there too. People 3xiting college do not make a much better wage when starting out, and here too u will be competing with younger people too, as you said up thread about not working now. It’s food for thought.

My oldest goes to colkege, and works weekends and makes 15.00 an hour because we live in a high priced area.
First job.
So you never know, unless you look…

It seems like u have it planned out though.

 

[Allegra]

Actually, the plan would be for us to move to Arizona and live in my parents’ home while I go back to school. My mom, dad and sister (she and her husband live nearby) would help out with the kids while I attended nursing school. My parents would cover us financially. After a few years, I would be a in a position to work night shifts while the children slept, or during the day while they are in school. I wish I had been smarter and gotten myself a degree like this BEFORE I had kids. I have no intention of living long-term with my parents, I am almost 40 years of age. It would be a temporary solution with a plan to become independent in action.

I would never rip on my husband to the kids. They have no idea and believe we are a happy family. I would not forbid him from visiting them and communicating with him. And, I wouldn’t rule out a reconciliation SHOULD he get a decent job and KEEP IT, learn to be more responsible around the house, and grow up.

I made a big mistake when I was in my 20s and now the chickens are coming home to roost. I know this is ultimately my fault for choosing poorly.

Do you really think if I were to get a minimum wage job ($10 per hour, pre tax) on the weekends, even if I worked 16 hours - that $160 is really going to help? That’s less than we spend on groceries in a week. Our mortgage is $2,700 a month. It just wouldn’t be worth it to have my husband and the kids doing absolutely zero all weekend, destroying the house, eating McDonald’s while I schlepped at a low-paying job.

I do take marriage very seriously, but must I be punished for a lifetime over one dumb decision I made at 26?

What makes you think a judge is going to allow you to take your children to another state? I don’t think anyone is saying you should work a weekend job for $10 an hour. I think people are saying that you should prepare to find a full-time job that pays a living wage and get a house you can afford to live in.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I don’t get it.

You have lived beyond your means, but you blame your husband for that because he doesn’t make enough money. You didn’t get an education before you married and you don’t want to look for work outside the home, but you are considering leaving him to go to nursing school.

Your family blew through an inheritance that could have bought a house and set you up well financially for well into the future in many parts of the country-- and you say you used a lot of it for medical expenses. Hmm, what medical expenses? Do you have a sick child? A child with special needs? Some trauma that cost a large amount of one and that also put strain on your marriage, due to the illness, the cost of treatment, the stress of having to care for a sick child with all the worry that entails? Perhaps the strain of having a sick child ie part of the reason for your husband’s job struggles?

There is more to this story as you say healthcare expenses for your family took a large chunk of his $400,000 inheritance. That’s enough money that he might have legitimately tried to start an IT consulting business.But if a large amount of the money was a spent on healthcare instead, he might also feel burnt-out and angry or depressed at the situation. And by having money and a large - ish income, your family wouldn’t qualify for many of the programs designed to help cover large health care expenses. Sometimes it almost seems like a person would be better off not working…And if your husband is smart and good at math, he might have run those numbers on a spread sheet.

If you have a sick child or a child with special needs, please realize that is likely to affect both of you and it can affect your marriage. Your child’s healthcare provider might be able to direct you to some support groups and they might be able to offer more financial advice or help too.

 

[heidi_storage]

OP, it kind of looks like you’re angry and want to punish your husband. That’s not a good place from which to make decisions. If you’re looking for people to tell you that, yes, you should pack your bags and take the kids away, then you’ve had contributors to the site tell you so. You’ve also had others suggest alternatives that don’t involve blowing up your family.

You keep on saying you made a mistake in your twenties. Maybe you did; maybe you didn’t, because you cannot know what would have been otherwise. Now you are married, with three lovely kids. Please, stick it out. Maybe someday you’ll be the happy family that you say you’re pretending to be now. At any rate, you’ll be honoring your promises.

Side note: If your parents are willing to support you in divorce, how about in marriage? Why can’t you carry out your education while married?

 

[bitterhope]

OP, it kind of looks like you’re angry and want to punish your husband. That’s not a good place from which to make decisions. If you’re looking for people to tell you that, yes, you should pack your bags and take the kids away, then you’ve had contributors to the site tell you so. You’ve also had others suggest alternatives that don’t involve blowing up your family.

You keep on saying you made a mistake in your twenties. Maybe you did; maybe you didn’t, because you cannot know what would have been otherwise. Now you are married, with three lovely kids. Please, stick it out. Maybe someday you’ll be the happy family that you say you’re pretending to be now. At any rate, you’ll be honoring your promises.

Side note: If your parents are willing to support you in divorce, how about in marriage? Why can’t you carry out your education while married?

I agree. Anything done after divorce can be done while sticking it out. And there will be far fewer regrets.

 

[columbkille77]

Yes, it seems like she is willing to get an education and work as long as she is divorced but not if she is married. And her parents are willing to support her family if she divorced, but not if they are married. Very odd way of reasoning.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think before you do anything drastic you and your husband need some financial advice to see if the house situation can be salvaged. I would also recommend some financial counselling as it seems that neither of you are able to manage money, I converted 400,000 into GBP and even in London that would be a significant chunk of a mortgage. Without good financial skills even winning millions on the lottery won’t help. Could your church put you in touch with somewhere that offers it?

 

[Lorelei12]

Do I not want to work? Correct. I am not qualified to do anything but minimum wage work anymore and that will get us NOWHERE around here. It won’t even cover the childcare costs. My husband and I made a deal that I would be the homemaker and he’d be the breadwinner. Again, he’s not disabled. He wasn’t laid off due to cutbacks. He has been FIRED multiple times. He is not holding up his end of the deal and I am PISSED OFF. Maybe I should not call him a loser but come on. I do everything to to be committed to the oath I took and the deal we made as partners, and he has tapped out and just doesn’t feel like working. I don’t believe in divorce and never thought I’d be in this position, honestly.

I need to be able to respect him as a man again. My father often worked two jobs, he did absolutely ANYTHING it took to make sure we had a nice life. He drove a car until it fell apart so that my mom could drive something safe and comfortable. He worked and worked to make sure his kids went to Catholic schools. He wore shoes until they fell apart so that my mother could have nice clothes and get her hair done. He was proud to do it and my mom adored him. I feel like I let my parents down and my kids down by choosing such a poor example.

It sounds like you’re comparing your husband a lot to your father. Would you really want your husband to wear shoes that are falling apart so that you could go and get your hair done? Really? I’d think that shoes were more important than going to the salon and I can’t even imagine sitting around under a blowdryer and walking around with nice clothes on if my husband didn’t even have a decent pair of shoes.

Your unwillingness to work for pay sort of sounds like your description of your husband, actually. You wrote that he thinks he is too good for certain positions, etc., but you are refusing to work at “lesser” jobs. Maybe your husband is entitled and lazy. I don’t know. But when things need to be done, they need to be done. (I wanted to be a SAHM too. And now I’m doing that plus working 20 hours a week with no help with childcare. It’s not what we planned on and not what I wanted, but here we are.)

If your husband is currently unemployed, I cannot fathom any reason why it wouldn’t be worthwhile for you to find something at least while he is looking. You don’t need to pay for childcare if he is home, right? Maybe being home with kids would motivate him to look harder.

You want your husband to grow up and be responsible, but then talk about accepting money from your parents and keeping it a secret, and running away to live with your parents, having them support you while you earn a degree that takes a long time and is difficult. Instead of focusing on the agreement you had a long time ago before you married, focus on what is happening now and how to deal with it. You both have a responsibility to your kids and your marriage.

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

I don’t get it.

You have lived beyond your means, but you blame your husband for that because he doesn’t make enough money. You didn’t get an education before you married and you don’t want to look for work outside the home, but you are considering leaving him to go to nursing school.

Your family blew through an inheritance that could have bought a house and set you up well financially for well into the future in many parts of the country-- and you say you used a lot of it for medical expenses. Hmm, what medical expenses? Do you have a sick child? A child with special needs? Some trauma that cost a large amount of one and that also put strain on your marriage, due to the illness, the cost of treatment, the stress of having to care for a sick child with all the worry that entails? Perhaps the strain of having a sick child ie part of the reason for your husband’s job struggles?

There is more to this story as you say healthcare expenses for your family took a large chunk of his $400,000 inheritance. That’s enough money that he might have legitimately tried to start an IT consulting business.But if a large amount of the money was a spent on healthcare instead, he might also feel burnt-out and angry or depressed at the situation. And by having money and a large - ish income, your family wouldn’t qualify for many of the programs designed to help cover large health care expenses. Sometimes it almost seems like a person would be better off not working…And if your husband is smart and good at math, he might have run those numbers on a spread sheet.

If you have a sick child or a child with special needs, please realize that is likely to affect both of you and it can affect your marriage. Your child’s healthcare provider might be able to direct you to some support groups and they might be able to offer more financial advice or help too.

I do not have a sick child or a child with special needs. When my husband chooses not to be employed, we don’t have health insurance, so we have to PURCHASE private policies. The expense is about $1500 a month just for the policy, and we have often had a $5,000 deductible plus copays. When you are spending about $25,000 on health care a year (mostly just in insurance premiums, office visits, and prescriptions) $400,000 goes REAL fast. We also used the money to cover our mortgage, car repairs, tuition for the kids’ school (until we pulled them out), groceries, clothing and shoes, haircuts, Christmas gifts, home repairs, property taxes.

I think when you don’t live in a high-cost-of-living area, it’s really difficult to understand how quickly $400,000 can be gone, even when you are not frivolous with it. This is a house in our town that is fairly similar to ours. You can see, we certainly aren’t living high on the hog.

redfin.com/CA/Santa-Barbara/541-Grove-Ln-93105/home/21589143

HAD I KNOWN that my husband was not going to be proactive about maintaining a career, I would have made other decisions, like maybe selling the house and renting (or moving to Arizona, which I still want to do but my husband does not.) However, he kept on saying he was close to settling down into a job, kept blowing smoke up my rear about “being in talks” with such-and-such a company, etc. Well, before you knew it, he was still unemployed, and the money was nearly gone.

 

[LuLuWatermelon]

It sounds like you’re comparing your husband a lot to your father. Would you really want your husband to wear shoes that are falling apart so that you could go and get your hair done? Really? I’d think that shoes were more important than going to the salon and I can’t even imagine sitting around under a blowdryer and walking around with nice clothes on if my husband didn’t even have a decent pair of shoes.

Your unwillingness to work for pay sort of sounds like your description of your husband, actually. You wrote that he thinks he is too good for certain positions, etc., but you are refusing to work at “lesser” jobs. Maybe your husband is entitled and lazy. I don’t know. But when things need to be done, they need to be done. (I wanted to be a SAHM too. And now I’m doing that plus working 20 hours a week with no help with childcare. It’s not what we planned on and not what I wanted, but here we are.)

If your husband is currently unemployed, I cannot fathom any reason why it wouldn’t be worthwhile for you to find something at least while he is looking. You don’t need to pay for childcare if he is home, right? Maybe being home with kids would motivate him to look harder.

You want your husband to grow up and be responsible, but then talk about accepting money from your parents and keeping it a secret, and running away to live with your parents, having them support you while you earn a degree that takes a long time and is difficult. Instead of focusing on the agreement you had a long time ago before you married, focus on what is happening now and how to deal with it. You both have a responsibility to your kids and your marriage.

Please let me know who will care for the children and household while I am working. I will tell you one thing, it won’t be my husband.