Husband caught viewing adult video, health int

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JLCecilia

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Please pray for my husband. I got up @ 2 this morning to call him to bed and he was viewing, probably not an adult website, but what looked like and adult ‘youtube’ type video. I took the modem and I will be cancelling our internet today and possibly our cable. This is really the final nail in the coffin to his internet/computer addiction (he has gotten into online poker - please view some of my other posts for full detail).

We are in the midst of some serious discerning for a possible career that could lead him back to the Church and I feel very strongly that I need to make this very hard decision for our family to remove the obstacles that stand in his way of really taking a good look at his life and protecting my children from spiritual battles in our home. He will no doubt be very angry w/ me, but it’s time I quit *****-footing around and accept his anger.

Consequently, he and I will not be able to discuss this matter b/c he has contracted the stomach bug that I had last week. Please pray for his speedy recovery - we cannot afford for him to miss work and I must also stay home to care for our 6mo who has it too - up w/ him @ 2 w/ vomitting and diarrhea. Please pray that my 2yo and I will remain well as we were sick w/ this last week.

I will not be able to post for the time being except for breaks and lunch at work. Thank you for all of your prayers and may God bless you.
 
I’ll keep you both in my prayers and Masses.
I can imagine your husband with find internet withdrawal difficult, and no doubt it will make things more difficult for you. At least your children are too young to need the internet yet!

I ask God to help you in your courageous decision, and to help you both attain good communication and resolution in the issues that are troubling you.

I ask the Lord to help your husband recover quickly in every sense of the word; and that your little ones will be well.

All the best with everything. Take good care of yourself, Trishie
 
I came to the same decision on my own for the same reasons. In fact, I had to argue with my wife about cancelling the internet at home. 🙂 It is a good decision that I hope your husband will come to appreciate and agree with. He can check his emails at work on his spare time.

Just remember, if he is not fully convinced of the catholic sexual morality, this may be a difficult thing for hiim to accept. Have patience with him because chastity is a lifelong struggle.

God bless and praying for your husband and your family,
Ut
 
Please continue to pray. DH and I had a very harsh argument last Wednesday. I told him that I had the internet shut off and naturally he was angry. We both said some very hurtful things. Of course, he recanted everything Thursday morning saying that he only said the things he said in order to make me angry (and get back at me for shutting off the internet).

Things have gone wonderfully since then and he has been much more helpful than usual. He still stays up late, w/ the t.v. now (and I’m sure at his late hour, even w/ our basic cable he can find some racey things to watch), but overall, things are much more peaceful.

I have a new concern though. Before all of this, I had asked DH several times about switching our internet/cable package in order to save money. He is having everything switched over this Friday -so the internet will be turned back on and we will now have 100 channels where we only had 60 before. My greatest concern is that we will revert to the same problems before and that the tv will actually create a greater temptation for DH w/ regards to viewing racey material.

I am really not tech-savvy, otherwise I would consider installing a fiter on the computer and tv. I am afraid that all of this will create an obstacle to DH overcoming his addictions.

Please continue to pray.
 
If my wife turned off the Internet or cable without discussing it with me, no matter WHAT her reason, there would be issues. However I know she would never do that without us talking about it first.

You are part of a sacramental marriage, you need to discuss this with him and your Priest, seek counseling if necessary… but don’t treat him like a child.

Take a step back and look at the vows you made at the Altar then remind him of his as well. It sounds like neither of you are living up to them.Those vows made the two of you one flesh that should be an equal relationship, it didn’t make you his mom… no matter how much he needs you to be that 🙂

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I’ve seen thread after thread like this lately and from numerous angles - spiritual, emotional, psychological etc… taking someone’s toys away and treating an adult like they are a child is not the answer IMHO.

Take it for what you will though.

I will definitely say prayers for both of you and your family.

Sincerely,
Joe
 
I will pray for you both.

I’m afraid nothing is going to do much to temper his addiction until he is ready to admit that he has one. Canceling internet or cable would certainly help – but only if he agreed to doing it. Otherwise, the resentment will build and he may find some way around these limitations, like buying magazines.

It sounds like he is a good distance away from having a conscience about pornography, and until he does, he will likely not have a strong enough motivation to get free of it.

God be with you.
 
I am far from an expert, but my guess is there is more going on that may need professional/spiritual help. Punishment/withdrawal does not usually cure sinful addictions.

Many prayers!
 
dconklin said:
I am far from an expert, but my guess is there is more going on that may need professional/spiritual help. Punishment/withdrawal does not usually cure sinful addictions.

Many prayers!
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I agree with this advice. I think Cecilia, that your husband and you need some counseling to get to the reason behind him having a struggle viewing inappropriate material, and your lack of trust that he will be able to stop on his own, without having to cancel the internet, and change cable. I think that it might be helpful, but if someone has a struggle with viewing these types of things, counseling would best be suited to help get to the root of it. While shutting off the internet can help, it’s like putting a bandaid on a deeper wound. I hope that he agrees to counseling, because that will give you long lasting change. Prayers are going out to you both.

God bless.
 
I found a website from another post that led me to pureintimacy.com and from what I read, if the person is caught rather than freely confessing, than reconciliation process of the addiction takes longer (mainly d/t the addict not truly wanting to overcome the addiction). I told DH again last night that I still want to meet w/ our priest, but I feel at this time (although DH’s accompaniment would be welcome) that I will be going this alone. I told DH that I haven’t tt our priest yet, but that I am fully prepared for him to tell us to separate until DH gets his head straight.

I am really feeling like separation is the thing to do right now. I want to help him, but I don’t think I can do this w/out him feeling like his mother and I don’t want that either. I think the primary thing is for him to quit avoiding his thoughts and life’s pressure and find a healthy way to deal w/ it. He needs to come up w/ a plan of resolution and then tell me how I can help as opposed to me figuring things out for him and him just going along w/ it - I feel that’s how things are now.

We will see how the coming week unfolds. Please continue to pray.
 
JLCecilia said:
I found a website from another post that led me to pureintimacy.com and from what I read, if the person is caught rather than freely confessing, than reconciliation process of the addiction takes longer (mainly d/t the addict not truly wanting to overcome the addiction). I told DH again last night that I still want to meet w/ our priest, but I feel at this time (although DH’s accompaniment would be welcome) that I will be going this alone. I told DH that I haven’t tt our priest yet, but that I am fully prepared for him to tell us to separate until DH gets his head straight.

I am really feeling like separation is the thing to do right now. I want to help him, but I don’t think I can do this w/out him feeling like his mother and I don’t want that either. I think the primary thing is for him to quit avoiding his thoughts and life’s pressure and find a healthy way to deal w/ it. He needs to come up w/ a plan of resolution and then tell me how I can help as opposed to me figuring things out for him and him just going along w/ it - I feel that’s how things are now.

We will see how the coming week unfolds. Please continue to pray.
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I really like your insight–yes, that’s it! He, like many people who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, spending, porn, etc…are trying to find an outlet for their troubles, and turn to something that seems like it will help at the time, but are slowly finding themselves immersed in sin, sooner or later. I think that you are right–he needs to resolve this in his own mind and soul…and you are there to help, but like you say–if you are telling him each step to take, he will only be going through the motions. I can’t say if a separation will help or not…but, I just pray that things work out. Prayers are going out for your marriage. ((hugs))
 
jwashu said:
If my wife turned off the Internet or cable without discussing it with me, no matter WHAT her reason, there would be issues. However I know she would never do that without us talking about it first.

You are part of a sacramental marriage, you need to discuss this with him and your Priest, seek counseling if necessary… but don’t treat him like a child.

Take a step back and look at the vows you made at the Altar then remind him of his as well. It sounds like neither of you are living up to them.Those vows made the two of you one flesh that should be an equal relationship, it didn’t make you his mom… no matter how much he needs you to be that 🙂

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I’ve seen thread after thread like this lately and from numerous angles - spiritual, emotional, psychological etc… taking someone’s toys away and treating an adult like they are a child is not the answer IMHO.

Take it for what you will though.

I will definitely say prayers for both of you and your family.

Sincerely,
Joe
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I could not have said it better and I agree with you totally.
 
JLCecilia said:
Please continue to pray. DH and I had a very harsh argument last Wednesday. I told him that I had the internet shut off and naturally he was angry. We both said some very hurtful things. Of course, he recanted everything Thursday morning saying that he only said the things he said in order to make me angry (and get back at me for shutting off the internet).

Things have gone wonderfully since then and he has been much more helpful than usual. He still stays up late, w/ the t.v. now (and I’m sure at his late hour, even w/ our basic cable he can find some racey things to watch), but overall, things are much more peaceful.

I have a new concern though. Before all of this, I had asked DH several times about switching our internet/cable package in order to save money. He is having everything switched over this Friday -so the internet will be turned back on and we will now have 100 channels where we only had 60 before. My greatest concern is that we will revert to the same problems before and that the tv will actually create a greater temptation for DH w/ regards to viewing racey material.

I am really not tech-savvy, otherwise I would consider installing a fiter on the computer and tv. I am afraid that all of this will create an obstacle to DH overcoming his addictions.

Please continue to pray.
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Prayers for you and your family…

Help to avoid the temptations are never a bad thing. Changing habits might help. Rather than he stay up with his addictions, maybe you can convince him to come to bed with you. (I say this as my wife is in bed and I’m on my CAF addiction.:rolleyes: )

And while I have not heard these CD’s myself, I was able to read the book that was in print prior to this new format. It explains alot about addictions, their causes and may help with breaking them.

Peace to you.
 
Hi I’m new to this site., But I just wanted to add my 2 cents about this.

Regardless of being “right” treating your husband as if he were your son and taking the internet away isn’t the answer. Obviously, your H doesn’t appreciate being treated like that, and he went right ahead and set things up so that now he is going to not only have internet, but 100 channels of cable as well.

The fact is, he is an adult. Whether or not what he’s going through is an “addiction” or is just a kind of reactionary thing against what he perceives as your mothering and controlling behavior, is not really the point at this moment.

How is your marriage? How do you get along with each other? Do you like each other as well as ‘love’ each other? Have you become his mother since you had children? Does he feel honored and respected by you?

I’m NOT saying it’s your fault, but I am saying that it takes TWO people in a marriage to have a problem. And even if your H is an addicted maniac, there are right and wrong ways with dealing with this thing.

I’ve been married 18 years and the fact is, you will never solve any problem if you treat your husband like an errant child.

God Bless you and your family
MarksWife
 
I think I must agree with those who say that taking the internet away is not the solution. I have a married couple who have struggled with this issue for 15 years. The husband admitted that he had a problem and went to an addiction support group for some time. He okayed his wife to put a block on the computer in which she alone knew the password. Well, his addiction is so bad that he knows how to go around the block. In fact, he got fired from a $200.000 a year job, because he figured out how to get around the block on the work computer and was caught. He said many at his work do this, but he won’t tell on them. His wife was more upset over the lies. Now they are separated for he has allowed to addiction to control his life. He got into child porn as well and that is when she took the kids and left to another state. He denies the child porn, but she said it was on their computer. He knows how to erase things he saw on the internet too. So for now the 15 year marriage is broken up because of his actions. He told me that he has been addicted to porn for 40 years and it is so hard to stay away.

I have heard CD’s by Steve Wood, on www.dads.org that deal with his issue. HIs says the only way to clear their mind of what they have seen is using Scripture verses that he calls Purity verses. He gives advice to wives too and on that website there is a letter to wives.

Your dh husband sounds like mind in that he has many addictions. One is watching TV all night and day. He can’t work for he is disabled, so that is what he does. He recently had to quit smoking due to aggravation of his asthma. He drops one addiction and goes to another. He has many addictions and unfortunately, porn was one at one time. It broke our trust, but he hasn’t done porn in over two years now that I know of. If he could not see it on the internet, he would buy movies and watch it when I was not home. He would buy magizines and hide them. So taking the internet away may not solve the problem. I agree with what someone said that all these addictions are signs that there is something wrong that our husbands are not dealing with. They escape from reality and enter the unreal world to make themselves feel better. I know my husband has told me that he smoked to feel better and calm himself down. He too has an anger problem.

Hang in there and I will pray for you and pray for your marriage.
 
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