husband cheated

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rayoflight

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My husband just recently admitted to an affair with a “friend” of ours and former co worker which happened 15 years ago. We have been married for 21 years and I have always suspected something but was shocked anyway when he admitted to it. I don’t know how to cope with this without feeling like it was yesterday. I had always suspected something but could never confirm it and did not imagine that he actually slept with her. I always believed there may have been flirting, maybe even kissing but not this. I feel so depressed and hurt beyond belief. I have 3 children and two are teens, they know because they heard some of the conversation. My little one is only 4 and hasn’t a clue so I feel I have to be “on” all the time and repress my feelings so I don’t let her see me crying or angry. This is so hard, I feel so alone sometimes. Just needed to get this out there with others who share my faith. God help me!
 
I guess he felt better for confessing and thought because it was long ago and he didn’t have any feeling about it any more, that it wouldn’t upset you.
…but of course it does!

You feel deceived and insulted, and like “what has it all meant, our marriage all these years”. It is good he’s so over it, but it’s all new to you so naturally your grief is very real and new.

I worry that you repress everything, as that alone can cause depression, but I do hope somehow you can find opportunity to grieve without it harming the children or you. Your teens also are dealing with the shock of finding all isn’t as it ought to have been, and that the world they live in isn’t as safe as they may have felt.

Is there anyone trusted, like a good priest you can talk to, but I’m glad you can talk to us.

I will keep you in my love and prayers. Vent as much as you need to with us as you’ll find we do care.
:grouphug:
Trishie
 
I’m so sorry. This has got to hurt. Try using the Jesus Box technique so you don’t feel like you have to ‘repress’ anything and know that you are in our prayers.
 
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, I know exactly how you feel as I’ve been through it. Although, I found out while it was happening but the affair was with my cousin and oh boy, talk about feeling betrayed!

I know how badly it hurts and it feels hopeless but let me tell you, there is hope! Through prayer and special grace from God, my husband literally became a new man and over time I was able to forgive him. And now ten years later, we have a really good marriage and all of that is behind us. Yes, there are still some bad feelings sometime when I think about it, but it really does get better. With God’s help, a marriage can survive infidelity. So, don’t give up!
 
I’m sorry to hear this. I have no advice but I will be praying for you and your family.
 
masondoggy said:
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, I know exactly how you feel as I’ve been through it. Although, I found out while it was happening but the affair was with my cousin and oh boy, talk about feeling betrayed!

I know how badly it hurts and it feels hopeless but let me tell you, there is hope! Through prayer and special grace from God, my husband literally became a new man and over time I was able to forgive him. And now ten years later, we have a really good marriage and all of that is behind us. Yes, there are still some bad feelings sometime when I think about it, but it really does get better. With God’s help, a marriage can survive infidelity. So, don’t give up!
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Oh God, this is more common than what I thought…😦
I’m so sorry we’re all going through this. I found out 6 months ago that my husband had an affair. And I can tell you it’s not easy. It still hurts.
I’m in the process of trying to forgive him, not quite there yet.
Although it happened years ago for you, it’s like it just happened.
What you thought you had is no longer there and your going to go thru some grieving. What your feeling is very natural, don’t think your going crazy, your not. Please take care of yourself.

With Gods help we will survive.

Praying for you and your family.
 
BamaRider said:
Did he say why he had to tell you this 15 years later?
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My thought too.

If my husband had done something like this 15 years ago, was sorry and worked it out with God, I would NOT want to be told now.
 
I wish I had the words to take away your pain, but only time and God will do that. In the mean time, you have to learn to forgive and trust him again. If he had that one affair and he has been faithful for the past 15 years, then there is hope you can forgive him.

As hurt as you are right now, don’t say or do anything you will regret later.
 
yellowbird said:
My thought too.

If my husband had done something like this 15 years ago, was sorry and worked it out with God, I would NOT want to be told now.
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Telling someone so many years after is definitely a double edged sword… did he tell the OP for her benefit or HIS to clear his conscience?

Did he tell you why rayoflight?

I pray I never have to deal with anything like this, I’m not sure what I would do. You are definitely in my prayers though!

Joe
 
I want to genuinely thank everyone for being so kind and non-judgmental in your thoughts and words. It’s hard enough when you go through this without everyone judging you and your decisions, even harder when you aren’t the one who made the error. Anyway for all of you who responded, thank you, for me this is like a great big hug from God, who I have been leaning on for weeks now since I found out.

It’s good to hear that for some this has created a new marriage or a new person. He has not been very good to me off and on especially these last few years. He told me because I pressed him one night to tell me the truth. I told him how this has been tormenting me off and on because I had no answers as to why the “friendship” with this woman and her family suddenly ended. My oldest daughter contacted her son through a website because she remembers him and when they were little and was recently looking at pics. She had actually contacted him (her oldest son) via the internet a year ago, but they really didn’t chat more online until recently. He asked to “hang out” with her and she told me about it. It is because of this that the whole truth came out. When I told my husband about her contacting him he was clearly upset and told my daughter to stay away from that family.
When I found this out, I decided, it was time to confront him and this missing puzzle piece after all these years. I told my husband he needed to fill in the puzzle, because I needed to stop thinking about why they suddenly disappeared from our lives and the kids haven’t a clue why either so why couldn’t they speak to one another? I had always believed it was due to some legal things that were going on at the time at his place of work. But I told him that the last I spoke with her over the phone she only said to me that one day she would tell me everything. When I questioned her and almost pleaded with her to tell me what was going on, she only reiterated what she said and also stated that if I was her “friend” I would not ask her anything more right now, to give her time.

I am also upset that he let me be her “friend” for almost two years after he had ended the affair. We have gone to see our priest and are going through counseling at our church. He promises me that he has been faithful all of these years and that he knows he has treated me unfairly in the past 15 years due to his own guilt. I am very angry about that also and I feel like such a fool. I feel as though God has put some of us hear on this earth so that others may survive. Like I am here to save myself through suffering and save him as well.

Yes, I am angry, hurt, belittled, humiliated, crushed…but for my kids and for any goodness we have had in the past 21 years and because I still love him, I am trying, I just feel like everyone expects me to say “Oh it happened so long ago…let’s move on”. What some forget is the hurt and the denial all of these years is the same if not worse because now I can’t remember some things to work them out for myself. I can’t say, what happened back then that you felt you needed to go to someone else? I don’t quite remember what it was like in detail so long ago.

For now, I have made an appointment with another counselor just for myself, to work out the sexual issues and the trust issues I am having. I have also told him he needs to go and work out things too and he agrees. He is very sorry, I believe some of it and is begging me to give him another chance to be that man I have always loved. He has also talked to my girls (the older two) and wants to make amends for them as well.

This is so hard and I ask myself “why did this happen to me?” I feel somewhat responsible that I made myself a victim and should have put my foot down way back when I told him so so many times that I had a feeling he liked her and what was going on…of course like most cases he denied anything even before it actually occurred and told me I was crazy for thinking like that. I had even asked him off and on if he ever had anything with her and he denied it each time. He says it was also because he didn’t want to hurt me and was trying to protect me.

Lies have a way of coming back at you…my philosophy has always been to tell the truth. I tell my girls this all the time. No lie is a good one because our marriage has been somewhat of a lie due to this.
 
Sorry if I don’t respond right away, I have limited access to being on the computer right now and not to mention my four year old who doesn’t give me much time to be on it.

Thank you Lord for so many good people out there!
 
rayoflight said:
…For now, I have made an appointment with another counselor just for myself
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, to work out the sexual issues and the trust issues I am having. I have also told him he needs to go and work out things too and he agrees. He is very sorry, I believe some of it and is begging me to give him another chance to be that man I have always loved. He has also talked to my girls (the older two) and wants to make amends for them as well…

Excellent first step. You sound like you’re being very smart in how you are addressing this. Be patient with yourself and him~if for no other reason than the sake of your kids. From this end it sounds like he really wants to put this behind him. Maybe all of you can eventually do that and move on, not by burying your head in the sand, but by working through the issues that have kept BOTH of you from being open and honest with each other.
 
rayoflight said:
My husband just recently admitted to an affair with a “friend” of ours and former co worker which happened 15 years ago. We have been married for 21 years and I have always suspected something but was shocked anyway when he admitted to it. I don’t know how to cope with this without feeling like it was yesterday. I had always suspected something but could never confirm it and did not imagine that he actually slept with her. I always believed there may have been flirting, maybe even kissing but not this. I feel so depressed and hurt beyond belief. I have 3 children and two are teens, they know because they heard some of the conversation. My little one is only 4 and hasn’t a clue so I feel I have to be “on” all the time and repress my feelings so I don’t let her see me crying or angry. This is so hard, I feel so alone sometimes. Just needed to get this out there with others who share my faith. God help me!
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It’s really important for you to understand where your relationship is right now. Since then, has he matured? Has he repented of this behavior? Is he deeply sorry?

Your husband is normal. Men are hard wired by nature to seek sexual variety. Many young men aren’t very good at controlling this. My point is that what he did probably had nothing to do with you. You didn’t drive him to do this. Nature and selfishness due to immaturity overcame his decision making process.

Don’t blame yourself or second guess yourself. His violation was born out of his weakness, not your deficiency. If you can trust him now, don’t throw away your marriage and family because doing that will not make you feel better. It’s helpful when feeling pain regarding a partner’s “past” to look toward one’s own youthful and even current sexual sins. We all have them.

Set aside a time to tell him exactly how much this has hurt you and why. If he is deeply sorry and you are confident that he won’t do it again, then resolve to never bring up the topic again. If this was an active current affair, my opinion would be very different. Since this was so long ago, this thing is like finding a dead mouse in the corner of the attic that has been there so long all that remains is skeleton and fur.

Watch out for those revenge feelings. Often a temptation to “get even” can easily overtake the offended party. That is s sure bet to wind up divorced. Prayer, forgiveness and recalling to mind one’s own sexual sins is always good medicine for healing.
God Bless.

:cool:
 
It’s been a bit over a year since I discovered he cheated on me so long ago. I still am tormented by this. I start to feel good and then again, all the old feelings. Especially when he starts talking to me in the way he did prior to my knowledge of this, sarcastic (so he says he’s only playing), or if I catch him talking mean or cross in any way. I went to counseling for myself (helped a bit, then stopped going when the counselor reminded me “you’re always rehashing things anyway” in response to my telling her I don’t know if I feel okay, going to marriage counseling and having to rehash things all over again). I am very resentful that he has not continued counseling for himself and also that he always claims he doesn’t remember things I ask him because it was so long ago. How does one deal with that, when things happened long ago? I struggle with that alot, don’t know what to do to stop feeling frustrated! I especially feel awful and have questions as to why he kept us as “friends” (the OT and me), we still hung out with them and her family, her kids and her husband. He even allowed her to be all cuddly with our kids and come over my parent’s home and be “friends” with them too! I have pictures I’ve had to throw out, I still have a video I can’t seem to throw away (I threw away 2 others). The video contains birthdays of my kids, my kids as babies, she is not in them, but her voice is since she taped it and her kids are all over the video. Still can’t seem to throw it out, still hoping I can save enough to have someone edit it for me. When I say he kept us as friends I am talking about not just during the affair but 3 years after he says they weren’t doing anything anymore. He claims he thought he could “salvage” the friendship. God help me, I don’t even have anyone or anything to read and/or talk to to compare notes with. How does someone get over the betrayal, like mine. He says he has been faithful ever since but I wonder if she hadn’t spilled the beans 3 years after the affair, would he have kept me “friends” and I would have never known? He says no, but I just can’t believe it! So frustrating, trying everyday to conquer negative feelings!:eek:
 
ray:

I am not sure how anyone “gets over” this level of betrayal. I have heard that it can make a marriage stronger but I do not believe that because the trust is broken and how do you regain that level of trust back again ? He would have to be truely remorseful to the point of pitiful and very understanding of his wife’s broken heart and doing everything in his power to make amends otherwise I just don’t see how a marriage survives.

Just how long would it take for the injured party to finally stop checking the phone records, and e-mails, his pockets and that feeling of "it’s 8:00, why isn’t he home ? Questioning what he says, doesn’t say, looks he gives you, doesn’t give you ?

No, I think once that level of trust is broken it might be gone forever. 😦

I am so sorry for you and your situation. Many prayers for you.
 
Have you ever asked him why he confessed to you?

If it was just to unburden his conscience I think it was a selfish thing to do. If the innocent party doesn’t know about it, or doesn’t ask, telling them will hurt them - as it did you. (Sorry, mister; your burdened conscience is part of your atonement.)

OTOH, if he told you because someone else was about to, he might have thought hearing it from him would be less hurtful than you hearing it from someone else.

And if he told you because someone was blackmailing him… that’s another ball of wax!

God bless you,
Ruthie
 
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