husband cheated

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The stuff you tell yourself has more power to hurt you and prevent healing than the stuff other people tell you.

You’ve been telling yourself you are humiliated and you were lied to and deceived and he let you be friends with someone for a few years after cheating and you can’t trust him.

No, sweetie. Change the stuff you’re telling yourself.

This is what it sounds like you should be telling yourself:

I am not humiliated. His sin 15 years ago was not about me. I was a good wife and mother. HE was stupid. HE sinned. HE deceived. I knew deep down. But I chose to go ahead and behave with dignity and keep my family together and raise my children in a stable environment and shovel my doubts way deep down. I have lived with doubt for years. I survived. I am strong.

Now I know for sure. I am grateful to him for telling me. Because he just validated my “cheat meter.” I was right all along. He lied and denied and told me I was crazy. But the truth always comes out and he had to admit in a backhanded way that I was smart and I knew something was going on. I will never again doubt that feeling. Now I know when I am being deceived. If it ever happens again I will never question that feeling or let someone talk me out of my deepest instincts. He did me a favor.

That “friend” who slept with my husband is pitiful. What a shallow pretense of a life she led, being two-faced with people she was betraying. She’s had to look at herself in the mirror for 15 years. It was probably hard for her. What was going on in her miserable life that she had to raid her friend’s marriage for “love” and support? Someday her children will find out and what will they think of her. Glad I’m not in her shoes.

My good ol’ husband had to unburden himself after 15 years. But I demanded it. If I didn’t want to know, I shouldn’t have asked. But I did. And at least he was finally honest with me. It must really have been eating away at him, living a farce. Feeling loved for being someone he wasn’t. Knowing he told me I was crazy for perceiving the truth. So he finally came clean. He hasn’t repeated it. Whatever his issue was 15 years ago, time and life have changed him. He can be rehabilitated, if he didn’t make a point of doing this more often, there is hope. I can trust him again, because most importantly I can trust myself. I know my instincts are good, and I know if he ever tried it again, I would not be deceived again. I can pray for him and move on. I can look God in the face. I can forgive him. I don’t need to throw it in his face. Because when I do that for him, it saves him from having to do it himself. I become his emotional nuclear reactor for him and it takes all the guilt away when I suffer for his sin. So I won’t cry about it. I’ll leave that job to him. HE has to face God and his children. I am free of that guilt. It isn’t mine, and I’m not going to take it on.

See? You need to play a different record in your own head to get over this. Or the next 15 years will be worse than the last 15. That woman didn’t destroy your marriage. But you can if you choose to. Now YOU have a choice. To love your repentant husband unconditionally like God does, and move on from here. And build a marriage that is stronger for having mended in the broken place like a broken bone, or you can let it fester and crack open an old half-healed wound.

You don’t have to tell yourself it feels like it happened yesterday. It really doesn’t. 15 years have gone by where they didn’t have an affair and continue it. It IS old news. You KNEW it deep down but let yourself ignore it and be talked out of what you knew. Your real anger is toward yourself. Now tell yourself “I did what I had to do to keep my home and family together.” You conducted yourself with dignity. Keep up the good work, girl! 👍

Why can’t he remember details? Well, he’s a man. And he doesn’t remember stuff that wasn’t that important to him. Why did he want to be friends after that? Because men sometimes think they can go back to “being friends.” Every lady out there knows that is a crock. But men think differently.

I’d throw out the videotape. I’m sure you have others of your children. You don’t need that toxic emotional waste dump in your home. Set yourself free. Throw it away.

Whatever image he tried to preserve and whatever denial he was in that he continued the farce of his lover and the families pretending nothing was going on is typical of a cheating man. (See: John Edwards) It’s about his ability to try to keep a facade going, not about you. When the old feelings come along, dont’ think about it and rehash it. Just say a prayer for him and for her soul and her children’s souls. They have that mother to guide them morally in life??

And when he starts being sarcastic, just quietly say the same thing to him each time as you leave the room: No one has the right to talk to me like that. Not even you.

Say it calmly and quietly. Eventually all you have to do is say “No one…” and he’ll know what’s coming and will stop.

Continued:
 
Does God beat you over the head with your old sins? Don’t do that to others. Go see the movie “Groundhog Day.” It’s a genius movie. On a certain level it’s about weather. But on another level it’s about the continuous deep freeze we put people in when we don’t let THEM rise above their own past behavior. We sentence them day in and day out to repeat their own mistakes when we don’t accept that they may have changed. WE can turn someone else’s life into a Groundhog Day. Or we can choose to accept their change and encourage it so the weather forecast for the next day won’t be a paralyzing storm.

Do that for your husband or your children. You have more power than you know as they know what happened and are watching how you respond. Do you respond with the love and forgiveness of Christ? Do you move on and show them there is life after being wounded? Do you show them that people can be flawed and still be loved?

As another poster said, it would be different if he were a serial cheater, or abusive, or this was an ongoing affair. You now know what you can survive and you have the choice to continue to be strong or to sink yourself when no one could do it for you in 15 years. So go be strong! 👍
 
rayoflight said:
It’s been a bit over a year since I discovered he cheated on me so long ago. I still am tormented by this. I start to feel good and then again, all the old feelings. Especially when he starts talking to me in the way he did prior to my knowledge of this, sarcastic (so he says he’s only playing), or if I catch him talking mean or cross in any way. I went to counseling for myself (helped a bit, then stopped going when the counselor reminded me “you’re always rehashing things anyway” in response to my telling her I don’t know if I feel okay, going to marriage counseling and having to rehash things all over again). I am very resentful that he has not continued counseling for himself and also that he always claims he doesn’t remember things I ask him because it was so long ago. How does one deal with that, when things happened long ago? I struggle with that alot, don’t know what to do to stop feeling frustrated! I especially feel awful and have questions as to why he kept us as “friends” (the OT and me), we still hung out with them and her family, her kids and her husband. He even allowed her to be all cuddly with our kids and come over my parent’s home and be “friends” with them too! I have pictures I’ve had to throw out, I still have a video I can’t seem to throw away (I threw away 2 others). The video contains birthdays of my kids, my kids as babies, she is not in them, but her voice is since she taped it and her kids are all over the video. Still can’t seem to throw it out, still hoping I can save enough to have someone edit it for me. When I say he kept us as friends I am talking about not just during the affair but 3 years after he says they weren’t doing anything anymore. He claims he thought he could “salvage” the friendship. God help me, I don’t even have anyone or anything to read and/or talk to to compare notes with. How does someone get over the betrayal, like mine. He says he has been faithful ever since but I wonder if she hadn’t spilled the beans 3 years after the affair, would he have kept me “friends” and I would have never known? He says no, but I just can’t believe it! So frustrating, trying everyday to conquer negative feelings!:eek:
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My prayers are with you–so sorry this is burdening you. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes…and no one here can tell you what to do, or how to handle this…I will say that I too, would feel betrayed, to have been married to someone who kept a lie/secret for so long, but it seems like he wants to try to make things better…unfortunately, it feels ‘‘like yesterday’’ for you, because YOU just found out about it last year. I pray your husband resumes counseling, and that you and he can salvage a marriage, and begin anew. I don’t think things will ever be ‘‘the same,’’ but maybe you have to somehow condition yourselves to wiping the slate clean, and beginning completely fresh. But, again, I would never presume to tell someone to stay or go because only you and he can decide what is best…I will pray for you to gain enlightenment from God, during this time. :console:*
 
Liberanosamalo said:
The stuff you tell yourself has more power to hurt you and prevent healing than the stuff other people tell you.

You’ve been telling yourself you are humiliated and you were lied to and deceived and he let you be friends with someone for a few years after cheating and you can’t trust him.

No, sweetie. Change the stuff you’re telling yourself.

See? You need to play a different record in your own head to get over this. Or the next 15 years will be worse than the last 15. That woman didn’t destroy your marriage. But you can if you choose to. Now YOU have a choice. To love your repentant husband unconditionally like God does, and move on from here. And build a marriage that is stronger for having mended in the broken place like a broken bone, or you can let it fester and crack open an old half-healed wound.

Why can’t he remember details? Well, he’s a man. And he doesn’t remember stuff that wasn’t that important to him. Why did he want to be friends after that? Because men sometimes think they can go back to “being friends.” Every lady out there knows that is a crock. But men think differently.

I’d throw out the videotape. I’m sure you have others of your children. You don’t need that toxic emotional waste dump in your home. Set yourself free. Throw it away.

Whatever image he tried to preserve and whatever denial he was in that he continued the farce of his lover and the families pretending nothing was going on is typical of a cheating man. (See: John Edwards) It’s about his ability to try to keep a facade going, not about you. When the old feelings come along, dont’ think about it and rehash it. Just say a prayer for him and for her soul and her children’s souls. They have that mother to guide them morally in life??

Continued:
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Almost the best advice I have read on this thread, but I will add another perspective. The OP can torment herself all the way to the grave on this issue and it will simply make matters worse.

One sentence jumped out at me in the Op’s post and it is this . .
"…he denied anything even before it actually occurred…"
It suggests to me that there were a lot of uncertainties and insecurities in this marriage way back. He denied anything before anything happened! Wow, he was under scrutiny and suspicion before anything happened! Sometimes a high level of mistrust and, dare I say it, jealousy, and insecurity can make your worst fears come true because you actually drive the other person away. I read how some of the conversations contain sarcasm and I wonder why. Is he continually under scrutiny and has been ever since the marriage began? Is he sick and tired of it? Is he fed up with being under suspicion way back then and still today. He’s stuck with you, has even “confessed” when asked, which shows he’s honest, if nothing else. Why was he asked? Have you been “suspicious” for all those 21 years? Insecure for 21 years? Anywhere along that 21 year journey did you share your insecurities, your fears, your uncertainties? Or did you just accuse him, nag him, act suspiciously all the time? Maybe you have caused what you feared to come true.

None of us were there and none of us were privy to your conversations, so we can only surmise. But, I am fed up reading some of the comments written here. ‘Men are hardwired for sexual variety’, or men forget what is not important to them’. As if women don’t!! Or take this one, “…men sometimes think they can go back to “being friends.” Every lady out there knows that is a crock.” Yep,I’m sure* some *men do, but *most *don’t. But the writer tells us every woman knows otherwise. Every single woman on earth knows otherwise!! Yeah, as if…I’ve even read on this forum women telling us how they stay friends with old lovers!! Oh my, poor, poor pitiful men. All utter rot, I say. Men crave stability, they like to “settle down” with someone who loves and trusts them, who respects them and loves them for who and what they are. Just like women. Maybe from day one you have never trusted him, never respected him for who and what he is and you have made him into something else which he, himself, obviously, regrets. Yes, we can call him “weak” and “sarcastic” and maybe even “naive”, but then you should ask, “was he like this when we first met?” Seems to me that he, like you, has been on a rocky road since the wedding day. Time to get off it. Get marriage counselling and change the way you both speak to one another. As **Liberanosamalo **wrote, change what you are telling yourself and maybe you will find he will change what he is telling youand change the way in which he tells you.You tell us it’s a year since you “found out”. You “found out” because you asked him and he answered honestly. Now we read that you are tormenting yourself a year later, despite him telling you he has been faithful all these years. In relation to the other woman you tell us “He claims he thought he could “salvage” the friendship.” He “claims”? You are still being suspicious of what he says. You don’t beleive him. Will you ever? If this is your reaction, then why would he even bother to be honest after all these years. You were suspicious even before anything happened, 15 years ago, by your own admission. Is ‘suspicious’ a mindset with you? You are not giving him a break, nor yourself a break. It’s as if you want to be a martyr. Well, I say, build a bridge and walk over it. Marriage counselling should be that bridge. Start communicating all over again - differently.

Oh, before I forget**.** Don’t throw out that video. That’s being petty.Take it to a professional editor and have the offending voice and whatever else offends you removed and keep the views of your kids, for they are precious.
 
First I want to thank all of those who had words of encouragement and advise on looking at things in a new way. As for Mr. John21652, I think you need another outlet for your anger at woman. I can hear it in your words, you need to get some light on why you reacted to my post in such a hostile way. Read your words over and ask yourself, why are you on this particular site, and looking for posts to answer in such a negative manner. Not that you care, but I think like most, I come her for some peace, to let it out in a positive manner, I’m not hurting anyone as is the same for many who come to this place to feel safe and be able to post their views. You did not need to beat me up once again, I have already done that for myself as did my spouse and the OW. Liberanosamalo is right, in that I was strong and still am, in that I have no doubt. What you maybe don’t understand about me well…I really don’t care. I only felt the need to respond to your negativity in hopes that if you are at all a Christian or believe in anything higher than yourself, that you might try to understand being in someone else’s shoes for the few seconds it takes to read someone pouring their heart out. Sorry for whatever makes you feel so anti-woman, I will pray for you today for one minute, that God gives you the insight to never respond to someone who has been betrayed by their spouse like the way you did. I don’t need to explain anymore to you as you have not been or experienced the things I have. Let me say this, if a person is so insecure that they feel they have to go and do something they are being accused of then turn around and blame the other person, then they are the weak ones. Many people are accused of many things it doesn’t mean they are going to go out and do it with no regard to others and if they do then, God help them. That’s all I have to say about that.

Thank you, thank you to the rest who have given me what it is I need at this time, words, words of encouragement! I truly feel God speaks to rise you up when you are down and he gives light to those he can to do it on this earth as a sign he is there. I think my struggle with this is that there are so many aspects of the betrayal that it’s all factored into our life during these 15 years. It’s too long to go into detail, I would have to write a book, but think about how your actions are like a domino effect whether or not you realize it and it affects every day of your life in some way. Decisions you’ve made, or didn’t make, again, without even thinking of it. It really does.
When I would mention to my husband that I thought something was going on with him and this woman, there was! He told me himself and logical, before the actual tango, there has to be the lessons, get my drift!? This was a sick type of foreplay without the actual act, by words, actions (dirty talk in the workplace, seemingly just playing). I WAS RIGHT, THAT I HAVE NO DOUBTS, I WAS RIGHT ON! WHY? BECAUSE I LOVED MY HUSBAND AND I KNEW HIM VERY WELL! There was no nagging, only open communication which is right and correct between two married people. I asked, he denied, denied, denied. He told me himself, he was insecure about himself, about himself!
Knowing this does not make it any easier to tell oneself, when you’ve been cheated on that it wasn’t your fault, it was his weakness, and all of that. It sounds good on paper but put it into the mind and it’s a whole other story. That’s just simply not how the brain works, and that’s that.
The fact that I don’t see him making appropriate amends unless I remind him (go to counseling, make the appts., do and talk differently to each other to make a new marriage, etc.). I see him too comfy and not proactive, that’s what makes me feel bad. I want him to make the efforts for all of us as I have and I am just not seeing it! It lasts for about a week and then, back to the same old behaviors. We have a very sick little girl right now and I am really trying to keep it together for all of us, for her and for our marriage, for us. This makes it very hard when only one seems to be doing all the work, while the other one had their fun, excused themselves and then still ended up with everything and more and yet doesn’t make the adequate effort just the talk. That is my fustration and thank you for not beating me up about it. God really bless all of you for your support, which is what is keeping me going at this very moment. Thank you Jesus for representing yourself to me through other’s kindness, please keep all evil away, but most of all thank you for holding me up when I can no longer stand:signofcross:
 
I have never been married so I can only imagine the pain, but I did once have a boyfriend who went to the strippers and had two lap dances and told me it was because he was mad at me. the humiliation I felt was unreal. I had no support. One friend made it very obvious that I was lower class than her because her boyfriend never would have done something like that. And a few friends made jokes at my expense about it. My heart is with you and you deserve support.

I don’t think men are hard wired that way half as much as the cheaters want us to believe to justify their bad actions.

I do sympathize with you having to do all the work. Why would someone think that admitting to it sets them free? It is only the first step.

In an earlier post you mentioned wanting to work out your trust issues. I don’t think you have any trust issues to work out. I think you are normal and wise. Your worst fear has been confirmed. Trust needs to be earned. Why are you beating yourself up over a non-issue (I hope you understand what I am trying to get at, not sure I am explaining it appropriately).

One thing I have notice about human nature, some people no matter how wrong they know they are, they will get very angry when someone tells them to take responsibility. I don’t know if it is their issue ‘I am only loveable when I am perfect’ or what.

I pray that you will be able to sett Godly loving boundaries in your marriage and God will guide you in your actions. Who knows whether or not your husband will choose to do what God thinks is best for your marriage. But keep in mind, if you follow God the best that you can, He will take care of you. easier said than done

Love

CM
 
I know what it is like to be betrayed. You are in my prayers and I hope you can forgive him and I pray that he can be loyal. You can always PM me if you wish.
 
Rayoflight,

Your feelings are NOT “your fault.” They come from what HE did. What is under your control is how you deal with those feelings. It is impossible to wave a magic wand and make them go away.

You have been wounded, and it takes time to heal. Even then, you will have “scar tissue,” so it never goes entirely away.

Basically, what you need to do is let it heal; try not to pick at the scabs, so to speak. I wish I could tell you how to do it. It seems like you’re not getting any help from your husband.

I will partially agree with the therapist that re-living it over and over keeps the wound fresh, which keeps you from making progress. You know all you need to know, which is that he cheated on you 15 years ago. Don’t ask Hubby for the details, because every new detail hurts YOU. Don’t be a masochist. Become the manager of your feelings.

I’ll pray for both of you, and for your marriage.

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
hey rayoflight,
Code: 
 How are you holding up?  I hope you don't mind hearing from another guy(referring to John...)  I just want to say that it takes alot of courage for a man to tell his wife that he cheated on her.  It takes alot of forgiveness for a woman to trust her man again.  Do not forget, as I'm sure you have not, that through all of this God is trying to lead the both of you to a stronger love relationship.  I can not speak enough of the power of confession and the Eucharist in my life. Completely forgiving him, though difficult, is what you need to do for yourself so you can be healthy minded.  That kind of forgiveness only comes from God and it is a true gift.  I know it's not much but I hope it helps.
God bless all of you and your families!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
The stuff you tell yourself has more power to hurt you and prevent healing than the stuff other people tell you.

You’ve been telling yourself you are humiliated and you were lied to and deceived and he let you be friends with someone for a few years after cheating and you can’t trust him.

No, sweetie. Change the stuff you’re telling yourself.

This is what it sounds like you should be telling yourself:

I am not humiliated. His sin 15 years ago was not about me. I was a good wife and mother. HE was stupid. HE sinned. HE deceived. I knew deep down. But I chose to go ahead and behave with dignity and keep my family together and raise my children in a stable environment and shovel my doubts way deep down. I have lived with doubt for years. I survived. I am strong.

Now I know for sure. I am grateful to him for telling me. Because he just validated my “cheat meter.” I was right all along. He lied and denied and told me I was crazy. But the truth always comes out and he had to admit in a backhanded way that I was smart and I knew something was going on. I will never again doubt that feeling. Now I know when I am being deceived. If it ever happens again I will never question that feeling or let someone talk me out of my deepest instincts. He did me a favor.

That “friend” who slept with my husband is pitiful. What a shallow pretense of a life she led, being two-faced with people she was betraying. She’s had to look at herself in the mirror for 15 years. It was probably hard for her. What was going on in her miserable life that she had to raid her friend’s marriage for “love” and support? Someday her children will find out and what will they think of her. Glad I’m not in her shoes.

My good ol’ husband had to unburden himself after 15 years. But I demanded it. If I didn’t want to know, I shouldn’t have asked. But I did. And at least he was finally honest with me. It must really have been eating away at him, living a farce. Feeling loved for being someone he wasn’t. Knowing he told me I was crazy for perceiving the truth. So he finally came clean. He hasn’t repeated it. Whatever his issue was 15 years ago, time and life have changed him. He can be rehabilitated, if he didn’t make a point of doing this more often, there is hope. I can trust him again, because most importantly I can trust myself. I know my instincts are good, and I know if he ever tried it again, I would not be deceived again. I can pray for him and move on. I can look God in the face. I can forgive him. I don’t need to throw it in his face. Because when I do that for him, it saves him from having to do it himself. I become his emotional nuclear reactor for him and it takes all the guilt away when I suffer for his sin. So I won’t cry about it. I’ll leave that job to him. HE has to face God and his children. I am free of that guilt. It isn’t mine, and I’m not going to take it on.

See? You need to play a different record in your own head to get over this. Or the next 15 years will be worse than the last 15. That woman didn’t destroy your marriage. But you can if you choose to. Now YOU have a choice. To love your repentant husband unconditionally like God does, and move on from here. And build a marriage that is stronger for having mended in the broken place like a broken bone, or you can let it fester and crack open an old half-healed wound.

You don’t have to tell yourself it feels like it happened yesterday. It really doesn’t. 15 years have gone by where they didn’t have an affair and continue it. It IS old news. You KNEW it deep down but let yourself ignore it and be talked out of what you knew. Your real anger is toward yourself. Now tell yourself “I did what I had to do to keep my home and family together.” You conducted yourself with dignity. Keep up the good work, girl! 👍

Why can’t he remember details? Well, he’s a man. And he doesn’t remember stuff that wasn’t that important to him. Why did he want to be friends after that? Because men sometimes think they can go back to “being friends.” Every lady out there knows that is a crock. But men think differently.

I’d throw out the videotape. I’m sure you have others of your children. You don’t need that toxic emotional waste dump in your home. Set yourself free. Throw it away.

Whatever image he tried to preserve and whatever denial he was in that he continued the farce of his lover and the families pretending nothing was going on is typical of a cheating man. (See: John Edwards) It’s about his ability to try to keep a facade going, not about you. When the old feelings come along, dont’ think about it and rehash it. Just say a prayer for him and for her soul and her children’s souls. They have that mother to guide them morally in life??

And when he starts being sarcastic, just quietly say the same thing to him each time as you leave the room: No one has the right to talk to me like that. Not even you.

Say it calmly and quietly. Eventually all you have to do is say “No one…” and he’ll know what’s coming and will stop.

Continued:
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Listen to this advice Ray!

It’s absolutely great!!!👍
 
Don’t mind hearing from any man (David), thank you for your insight and encouragement. I just don’t think anyone, anyone should get judgmental and start “scolding” others when they have gone through something this huge. I’ve read something online on a marriage site that quotes the experience as going through trauma, just as a war veteran has triggers that remind him/her of the traumatic experience(s) they have had, so the same happens for those of us who have gone through this type of trauma. It’s a true form of post traumatic syndrome, with many of the same experiences that others have with mental trauma.
To address the comments about not giving in to thinking about details or torturing myself, please know that of course, I am working on this very hard. It is terribly hard to move a step forward, especially when all of a sudden infidelity seems to be everywhere in your face, tv shows, news of men in the public eye cheating, commercials on cheating, get my point? Unless you live in a bubble, then you would not have to have constant reminders of what happened to you. I still live in disbelief some days and yearn to think back and say to myself that this didn’t happen to me and that my husband has always been a wonderful man. It saddens me to not be able to say this, it truly does. Some days, I don’t think I want to be married any longer and I don’t ever want to be hurt and then I look at my little one and know that I must try. I have just told him that if he continues with his lax behavior on the matter than I am cannot tolerate and I don’t deserve to take this any longer. I have given it a year and see very little change, and I have told him that I can’t believe after what he has done, after what I have gone through (I got so ill last year and went through torturous tests, almost ended up in the hospital), that he or anyone for that matter wouldn’t take the initiative to do all that they can do to make up for it and earn trust again.
Some days I am so brain tired, I shove the thoughts aside, only for a reminder either on tv, newspaper or even a close friend recently sharing how she’s just been cheated on! So hard to keep moving on. Thank God for this site, honestly, don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be if it wasn’t for having a place to go to and be able to express myself, just so I can keep a peaceful mind either for the night or in the day, even for a moment…
 
Ray:

Personally I think you are handling this the best you can at this point. Also, I think it would be easier for you to move on and beginning to trust again if he showed a little remorse.

I think there is so much more to being cheated on than just the betrayal.
The deceiptful actions, the lying that surrounds the cheating :

How does one sleep with another woman and then come home and sleep with his wife?

Or sit at the dinner table and be able to carry on a “loving” conversation with his wife and children after just having a conversation with his playmate?

As if nothing else has been going on?

And the possibility of exposing her to sexually transmitted diseases-----this is how a husband shows love to his spouse?

I think you have every reason to feel as you do. I’m sure it would take time to move past all this. Who’s to say one year is long enough and time to move on. You have had a lot of years of deceipt.

Do pray for you because you need to heal from all this hurt and also ask God for guidance.
 
david_friol said:
hey rayoflight,
Code: 
  I hope you don't mind hearing from another guy(referring to John...)  I just want to say that it takes alot of courage for a man to tell his wife that he cheated on her... .  I can not speak enough of the power of confession and the Eucharist in my life... That kind of forgiveness only comes from God and it is a true gift.
Click to expand...
I don’ think it was courage on this man’s part that allowed him to tell his wife. It may be that he thought after 15 years that she wouldn’t take the news so badly. But he was wrong. People usually confess to make themselves feel better, not the other person. That can be just another exercise in their own selfish actions if there is no real remorse or change in behavior.

You are correct in the power of forgiveness coming from God. So the husband needs to confess to God, not to his wife, although in this case, she was the one asking. Repeatedly.
 
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