Husband Cheated

[LsMommy]

It has yet to be a week since I found out my husband has been having an emotional affair for about 3 months. We’ve been married for 6 years and have had a great marriage. We’ve been through my husband having and beating cancer while having our first baby. I am now 4 months pregnant with our second baby. I desperately miss the man I married and don’t know this man in front of me. I’ve never considered not being with him, the thought of losing him when he had cancer was unbearable. Where do I even begin to forgive him and to let go of the rage and hurt?

 

[bonvivantHermit]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. But simply put, he has gone through extreme stress and found distraction in something new. Life is strange and sometimes we just act on impulse, because it makes us feel better. This does not make his behavior right, but I’d consider seeing his side, the man faced his own mortality.

*If this was a physical affair, I’d get tested for diseases and separate to determine his character.

**Affairs are often not about the spouse (you) - they are just distractions from the real world.

 

[PrayRosary]

Emotional affair? What does that mean exactly? Like conversing with someone else?

 

[Lancer]

Sorry to hear of your marriage trauma. Emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse…is a great “silent” danger…and can be a lethal danger if uncorrected/allowed to fester…a trap for many in the workplace. Maybe the good news is that its out in the open…on the table…the devil hates it when his work is exposed…so take heart and cling to your prayer life, Confession, Mass and Holy Communion.

I have counseled my single daughters…even though single…to be very cautious and leery of this type of seductive power… especially to never get into personal details about life and family with the married guys at work…the guy is cheating on his wife when he does this and he/she is making you an accomplice in his un-chastity.

Those deep and personal aspects of a married man’s or a married woman’s…thoughts/ideas/hopes/dreams/aspirations/successes/failures…belong only to them and their spouse (sharing in spiritual fellowship with someone of the same sex is appropriate if in the context of genuine spiritual fellowship)…but when shared with another of the opposite sex…it only leads to damage in the marital relationship…to marital intimacy.

Here is one of the very best Marriage Programs…Retrouvaille…hope it is helpful.
Prayers for you and spouse and family…with God’s grace you and your husband can overcome this…and actually improve your marriage and family life.

Pax Christi
retrouvaille.org/

Retrouvaille™
… a lifeline for Marriages
A program to Help Couples Heal and Renew their Marriages.
Do you feel lost, alone or bored in your marriage?
Are you frustrated, hurt or angry with your spouse?
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Have you thought about separation or divorce?
Does talking about it only make it worse?

… Retrouvaille provides marriage help!

What is a Retrouvaille Program?

The word Retrouvaille™ (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i.) is a French word meaning rediscovery. The program offers tools needed to rediscover a loving marriage relationship. Thousands of couples headed for cold, unloving relationships or divorce have successfully overcome their marriage problems by attending the program.

The Retrouvaille Program consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over 3 months. It provides the tools to help put your marriage in order again. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. It will give you the opportunity to rediscover each other and examine your lives together in a new and positive way.

What the Program is not.

It is not a retreat, marriage counseling, or a sensitivity group. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend. It is not a time for hurting; it is a time for healing.

Who is it for?

It is for couples with marital problems including those who are considering marriage separation and those who are already separated or divorced that want marriage help.

Some couples come to Retrouvaille during the initial signs of a marriage problem. Other couples are in a state of despair and hopelessness when they attend the program. These latter couples often consider the Retrouvaille program their final option.

Many lawyers and judges send couples to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to filing for a divorce or rendering final decisions. Many marriage counselors send their clients to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to marriage counseling. These professionals know that the tools of communication in marriage taught in the program are often what couples need.

The Retrouvaille program is not designed nor intended for couples in a co-habitating relationship.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. But simply put, he has gone through extreme stress and found distraction in something new. Life is strange and sometimes we just act on impulse, because it makes us feel better. This does not make his behavior right, but I’d consider seeing his side, the man faced his own mortality.

*If this was a physical affair, I’d get tested for diseases and separate to determine his character.

**Affairs are often not about the spouse (you) - they are just distractions from the real world.

It sounds as though you are excusing his behavior because he had cancer. That is insulting and demeaning. The idea that he has turned away from his marriage under stress says a lot about his character and if I were his wife, I would have a hard time trusting him again, since he showed how he handles adversity. This does not speak well of the man.

 

[Cristiano]

It sounds as though you are excusing his behavior because he had cancer. That is insulting and demeaning…

The poster was not excusing anything, was simply explaining a very probable cause of the affair. Why would that be insulting or demeaning? If we ignore the cause we might miss the cure.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

We are all sinners. Of courses there’s reasons he did what he did, if he was a drunk or a gambler we’d be less judgemental. It is horrible he hurt his wife, no doubt, but to fail to recognize his pain is just naive.

Why we forget we are fallen, human and vulnerable when it comes to infidelity always amazes me. It’s as if we want to crucify the cheater to somehow heal the victim- it doesn’t work. Yes, his behavior is damaging to his marriage, and undeserved by his wife, but it is not helpful to act as if there’s no reason why. Unless he’s been a serial cheater- there’s something up.

She can choose to leave, and has every right to, but even the Church does not recognize infidelity as something that dissolves a marriage. So if she’s going to stay in her marriage - not live separately- she should work with husband to find out why. Is he just immature and selfish? If so, I wouldn’t trust him. If this was a one-off event due to stress etc? I would.

Infidelity is a grave sin, but there are others and it is too easy to act as if the cheater always acts alone out-of-the-blue. If he started drinking and/or gambling- not having an EMOTIONAL (not physical, and there’s a huge difference) affair would we judge him so severley?

And I think there is a BIG difference between emotional affairs and physical- they didn’t get physical b/c he had some control, respect- yes, he gravely sinned but at some point he stopped.

This affair need not end her marriage if it’s an anomaly- I realize the poster want condolences and to be told he’s a jerk (he is) but I am just trying to present an alternate, balanced view. I will pray for you and know I try to respond in the most charitable, educated manner I am capable of. I hope I have not erred and somehow managed to help you.

 

[LsMommy]

The emotional affair consisted of obscene amounts of text messages. Phone calls lasting over an hour while I was asleep. Meeting up with her at bars and according to a witness inappropriate behavior for a married man while they were at the bar. He continues to refer to her as just his friend.

 

[PrayRosary]

The emotional affair consisted of obscene amounts of text messages. Phone calls lasting over an hour while I was asleep. Meeting up with her at bars and according to a witness inappropriate behavior for a married man while they were at the bar. He continues to refer to her as just his friend.

I am sorry. You guys are in my prayers.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

He’s not broken it off? That’s an obvious problem. I’d issue an ultimatium, but you have to be prepared to act. Is he still in contact with her? How do you know it was just emotional if he’s not admitting anything to you? I can’t tell you what to do- but I have seen where a trial separation brings spouses to their senses quickly. I am sorry this is happening are you financially able to act? Do you have family to help?

 

[LsMommy]

Yes he has broken it off but he still doesn’t quite see what he did was cheat on me. We are planning on going to counseling. I want him to find the counselor though so he can’t hold it against me if he doesn’t like or agree who we are seeing.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Well, that’s a start. You may want to write him a letter instead of talking at this point. He may be ashamed and hoping to hang on to his marriage as he fears you will leave if he admits to cheating. And please consider what actually happened, as bad as it was, vs. what didn’t.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes he has broken it off but he still doesn’t quite see what he did was cheat on me. We are planning on going to counseling. I want him to find the counselor though so he can’t hold it against me if he doesn’t like or agree who we are seeing.

If he doesn’t see what he did as a problem, why should he find a counselor? Don’t hold your breath. I would start looking for a counselor in any case. I would go on my own and not wait for him to arrange for a counselor.

Married men do not have female friends that they meet in bars. So she is obviously more than a friend. If he hasn’t already had sex with her, he wants to. You will be in my prayers.

 

[The_Bucket]

Married men do not have female friends that they meet in bars. So she is obviously more than a friend. If he hasn’t already had sex with her, he wants to. You will be in my prayers.

This is not necessarily true, though it’s nevertheless a grave transgression against the trust that’s supposed to be there in a marriage. Clearly his situation caused him to lose his way and perhaps now he’s seeking validation of “being alive” by getting attention from another woman. Perhaps he doesn’t want anything physical but DOES want the attention and the rush it gives him.

This is not an excuse. This is an explanation. And I should also note that while his intentions now may be just to get attention and that rush of feeling alive because of that attention… it could quickly spiral into needing something more “extreme” to get his high and that would be a physical affair. I know people who are “love addicts” and had a lot of emotional affairs but never got physical… until their addiction progressed and then they needed that too.

So yes, it’s highly inappropriate. Yes, he’s blind to that right now. No, he might not want anything physical right now. It might not enter his mind at all. But that is indeed the next step in this slippery slope and that’s why it needs to be cut off at the pass now.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is not necessarily true, though it’s nevertheless a grave transgression against the trust that’s supposed to be there in a marriage. Clearly his situation caused him to lose his way and perhaps now he’s seeking validation of “being alive” by getting attention from another woman. Perhaps he doesn’t want anything physical but DOES want the attention and the rush it gives him.

This is not an excuse. This is an explanation. And I should also note that while his intentions now may be just to get attention and that rush of feeling alive because of that attention… it could quickly spiral into needing something more “extreme” to get his high and that would be a physical affair. I know people who are “love addicts” and had a lot of emotional affairs but never got physical… until their addiction progressed and then they needed that too.

So yes, it’s highly inappropriate. Yes, he’s blind to that right now. No, he might not want anything physical right now. It might not enter his mind at all. But that is indeed the next step in this slippery slope and that’s why it needs to be cut off at the pass now.

Even if it’s not in his mind…(it can be lower down)…What about the mind of the woman he’s flirting with? It’s not a one-way street you know. What man can resist a woman who desires him and makes it known? I mean, when he’s already flirting back. A lot of married men would run from that temptation, but this husband has already moved toward that woman so she knows he’s at least available on some level.

P.S. It would be interesting to hear from people who have survived cancer in order to hear if they were tempted into a “live it up now while you can” sort of mentality.

 

[camerong]

The seriousness of the transgression really isn’t all that important, whether the husband was trying to have a physical affair or merely was emotionally connecting with someone. The importance is that this obviously needs to be fixed.

Others may disagree, but husbands simply cannot have intimate female friends whom they see one-on-one. As others have mentioned, this is poison for a marriage. I avoid talking to my female friends at length on the phone when I’m not around my wife, and avoid texting them altogether. When I must, I make sure to mention my wife somehow, and then tell my wife in passing about the conversation later. This seems absurd to some, I’m sure–but my marriage is infinitely more important than all of my friendships combined, and I never want my wife to find a text or see a phone record that makes her nervous for even a fleeting moment.

This husband needs to understand that he cannot have this “friend” or any other female in any capacity more than an acquaintance. If he cannot understand it himself, he needs to at least agree to this out of respect for his wife. His marriage is worth it.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

RJ I do not believe we all act/react the same, if we did -there’d be either Heaven or Hell.

It’s whole other discussion how people react- and how to determine normal behavior. I will just say I have a problem with saying “I didn’t do that, so you shouldn’t/didn’t need to.”
It’s narcissistic to use ourselves as a measure.

Maybe I am not obese, but someone else is because they medicate with food while I exercise.

 

[Groo]

I am sorry that your husband has been unrepentant. Hopefully marriage counseling will help him see how his actions have been inappropriate (to say the least) and harmful to the marriage. But if he is stubborn or infatuated with this woman, it may not help.

In this situation, you might be better served to get individual counseling just for yourself. A counselor may also be able to direct you to a support group, so you don’t have to handle this alone.

 

[The_Bucket]

The seriousness of the transgression really isn’t all that important, whether the husband was trying to have a physical affair or merely was emotionally connecting with someone. The importance is that this obviously needs to be fixed.

Others may disagree, but husbands simply cannot have intimate female friends whom they see one-on-one. As others have mentioned, this is poison for a marriage. I avoid talking to my female friends at length on the phone when I’m not around my wife, and avoid texting them altogether. When I must, I make sure to mention my wife somehow, and then tell my wife in passing about the conversation later. This seems absurd to some, I’m sure–but my marriage is infinitely more important than all of my friendships combined, and I never want my wife to find a text or see a phone record that makes her nervous for even a fleeting moment.

This husband needs to understand that he cannot have this “friend” or any other female in any capacity more than an acquaintance. If he cannot understand it himself, he needs to at least agree to this out of respect for his wife. His marriage is worth it.

I do think that this is a little bit ridiculous to be honest, but to each his own. Certainly I think having a female confidant that isn’t your wife is a problem. As a married man, can I have close friends who are women? I think so. But should I have conversations with them that I’d want to “keep private” the way I’d keep some conversations with guy friends private? No. Not a chance. My wife is my female confidant. If I need another woman’s opinion about something, maybe I’ll ask one of my sisters or something.

I don’t have any close female friends. The person I get along with the best at the office is a woman but she’s likewise married and I know her husband decently. They’re good people and there’s nothing untoward between she and I whatsoever. Of course, I also don’t text or call her for really any reason, but if I did, I’d certainly share whatever was said with my wife if she asked. We mostly just speak at work.

 

[The_Bucket]

Even if it’s not in his mind…(it can be lower down)…What about the mind of the woman he’s flirting with? It’s not a one-way street you know. What man can resist a woman who desires him and makes it known? I mean, when he’s already flirting back. A lot of married men would run from that temptation, but this husband has already moved toward that woman so she knows he’s at least available on some level.

P.S. It would be interesting to hear from people who have survived cancer in order to hear if they were tempted into a “live it up now while you can” sort of mentality.

I’m not condoning it in the least. I’m noting that he could not have sex on his mind at all but that it could eventually lead to that because this is a slippery slope.

While I have no direct experience, I do know of people who have descended into sex addiction as a result of illness either to themselves or their family members. One had an affair (started emotional and then became physical after a few months) after his wife was diagnosed with cancer. Another got a bad diagnosis and he immediately turned into porn big time to use it as an escape.

These are reactions people are going to have. They are not the right reactions. They are not to be excused by anyone and they are only to really be forgiven by God. I’m just trying to provide some background information as to the why and noting that it’s not about the OP.

My own fall into pornography was a result of anxiety problems that began in my youth (due to even worse problems between my parents) and then manifested as an adult when serious health and money worries cropped up. My reaction was utterly wrong and sinful. I was just afraid that God was not taking care of me, that I could never be loved by Him or anyone else and retreated into a fantasy world that nearly sewed my own destruction. It’s a horrible, evil place and truthfully while I wanted to get out of it, I was too ashamed to even admit that I had a problem to anyone.

That said, once I was found out, I was not obstinate. I didn’t insist that there was nothing wrong. I took the help that’s been offered and am doing my darndest to ensure that this will continue to be something that is in the past and in the past forever. Accepting that you’ve done evil is a very tough thing to do. I was forced to do it. I didn’t embrace it. But I’m glad that those circumstances occurred because they saved my eternal life.