Husband cheated

[bsketlady]

What a great website…I have been reading so much here and it’s helped me.

I just learned today my husband was/is having an affair? He says nothing happened, just met twice, you know the story. I had my suspicions and things were just not adding up. I asked him before and go tthe standard “NO”…this morning I found another piece and when i confronted him he admitted it. Said nothing happened and he was sorry…no tears for him. He said it was because our house isn’t a “safe” place…we are a blended marriage; my daughter who is 17 and a handful, rude disrespectful etc… nothing i’ve done has been helpful to her, she has her days but mostly not good. Husband and her fight often, sometimes it is warranted other times not. He has 2 kids that visit us 2 nights a week and everyother weekend…they drive me nuts and aren’t respectful to me, although i do much for them, so when they drive me nutty …i just walk away. I know it’s important for their dad to be a part of their lives and i wouldnt do anything to jeopardize that. He’s a recovering drug/alcohol addict with 15 yrs sobriety just 2 weeks ago. We have been though so much, we were friend a long time before we even considered being a couple. I used to pray for God to give me such a good man as my husband (his wife at the time was horrific and treated him so badly) and now I have him and I don’t know what to do. He told me it wasn’t anything “i did” and all he did today was work and call his sponsor but didn’t speak to him because he didn’t answer. This just doesn’t show me a lot of remorse or desire to FIX anything…I know women are the “fixers” most times and men do things differently, but i just don’t see anything happening on his end to show me different.

This is the short version, i’ve been sick and hurting all day. Spent some time in our adoration chapel and that helped some. He came home from work today, saidhe was sorry and asked for forgiveness although it didn’t sound so sincere to me. Said he loves me and wants to remain married. We are VERY active in our church, he’s a Knight of Columbus, I volunteer on several committess and the council and we are very well know. No one in a billion years would expect his from us.

I apologize for the rambling, lots of thoughts, nothing i can see for the future and I just need a plan a “something” he has said he needs therapy for himself to understand why he does this…this is his 3rd marriage and he cheated on his 2nd wife and now me.

Prayers please and any guidance would be great. I want to ask 1,000 questions but don’t know if that helps, probably not and who knows if i am getting honest answers anyway. I told him “what if I can’t forgive” his response “let me know” ?? i was like really???

Thank you all in advance, looking forward to your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Irishmom2]

Said nothing happened and he was sorry…no tears for him. He said it was because our house isn’t a “safe” place…

He has 2 kids that visit us 2 nights a week and everyother weekend…they drive me nuts and aren’t respectful to me, although i do much for them, so when they drive me nutty …i just walk away.

He told me it wasn’t anything “i did” and all he did today was work and call his sponsor but didn’t speak to him because he didn’t answer. This just doesn’t show me a lot of remorse or desire to FIX anything…I know women are the “fixers” most times and men do things differently, but i just don’t see anything happening on his end to show me different.

he has said he needs therapy for himself to understand why he does this…this is his 3rd marriage and he cheated on his 2nd wife and now me.

Prayers please and any guidance would be great. I want to ask 1,000 questions but don’t know if that helps, probably not and who knows if i am getting honest answers anyway. I told him “what if I can’t forgive” his response “let me know” ?? i was like really???

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know you must be in a lot of pain.

The parts that I bolded are what I think are key to you two working things out. He needs to feel secure in his own home, and you need to not run away.

I think you are expecting too much, too soon. You say you just found out today and confronted him, and all he did was go to work and try to contact his sponsor. I know it sounds weird, but it has to take a little time for him to realize that you know. And a good sign was that he did try to call his sponsor instead of losing his sobriety. I don’t think you are going to get a lot of remorse right away, and I am not sure you would believe it if it came so quickly either. And as for asking him “what if you can’t forgive…” It is a little early to be asking that of him, if ever. If you are the one that can’t forgive, it is up to you to decide what happens to you. It’s not up to him, so I don’t see the point of even asking him that.

If he says that he needs therapy, great. Make that a condition once he and you calm down. He must go for counseling to see what makes him do what he does. Repeatedly.

But then, I think your marriage would benefit if you both went together. There is a lot going on in your blended family. MayGod bless you and guide you.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I apologize for the rambling, lots of thoughts, nothing i can see for the future and I just need a plan a “something” he has said he needs therapy for himself to understand why he does this…this is his 3rd marriage and he cheated on his 2nd wife and now me…

First, go have a talk with your daughter. You say know she and Fred have issues, you want to know if it’s standard teen-ager stuff or if he has hurt her and you don’t know it. *Ask her straight out *of he has abused her in any way or made a sexual advance or anything else you should know. Be calm and open to her. If she is just being 17, time will take care of it. If there’s more, then you need to know and secure her safety.

I’m hugely impressed that he says he needs therapy. You both go together and then he gets whatever one on one he needs and so do you. Never worry about your public family image. Find a few of those marriage enrichment week-ends the Church sponsors. Find resources.

Mostly, give this time. You just got run over by a truck, you need some time. You don’t decide anything right now, you aim at forgiveness, but it’s going to take time. Talk to your daughter and then tell Fred to find a family therapist and make an appointment for you both to go see that person. That has to happen in the next couple business days. That’s your plan.

Right now you’re just layin’ on the pavement, getting your breath, trying to figure out how much is broken. That’s enough for now. Keep praying.

 

[bsketlady]

Thanks so much for your response…I need to add a little more to my original post

I’ve known my husband since 1995 or so, and I was previously married to his brother. I married his brother in 1992, he was not faithful and we seperated in 2001. All the while, my then “brother in law” and I were really good friends. I saw him at his worst, and still always knew he was a good man. He was away from the family for many years (I was married like 5 yrs to his brother beforei met him). He decided to come home for Christmas and his 2 other siblings said he could not stay with them, they didn’t trust him. I put my foot down and he DID stay with us, he was helpful and just lost. He needed a “Friend”. He got sober in 1998 and met a woman whom he later married because she was pregnant (this in itself is another story!) but he married her to do the right thing, 2 yrs later she was pregnant again … he stayed with her although our entire family knew she treated him poorly was very demeaning and immasculating to say the least. For years he told me to leave his brother, because I deserved better. He was always kind to me, worked on my car (and charged me because his wife made him) and we talked about my dating and just life in general like friends… One day he brought my daughter home and we talked and he told me he had left his wife. Told me how he cheated, got caught by her and she threw him out. I told him if he ever wanted to hang out just to call me and we could get together. REMEMBER – we are just friends and he was a good guy who was so poorly treated. All the time he was married to her and so unhappy, I used to pray all the time for God to give me a good man like him and I would be such a good wife because he definitely deserved better (I never dreamed I’d be the wife someday). Well, he called me a few days later and asked to get together, we talked and he professed how much he had always cared for me and how his brother was a fool for his misbehavior and I said “no no no” we can’t do this, but we continued to see each other and he professed how much he loved me and knew I was a good woman.

Fast forward after that, he was divorced and we were married in 2008, went through the annullment processed and was married in the church in 2011. His family has always accepted me, and I wasn’t really gone when I divorced his brother, I was still close with my inlaws who often visited my daughter. You can imagine as an exwife would be ugly, his exwife is aobut 150% uglier because she thinks this is such a terrible arrangement. But she has her own issues to deal with they are not my worries.

In 2002 he had a daughter who was 16 at the time die suddenly, it was completely unexpected…he’s lived through many tough times and I’ve been through the majority of them. I’ve give up many sacrifices (especially financially) for him for his responsibiities to support his children.
This is our history and the reason I am sharing is because i feel it’s important. ME of all the people in the world would never ever judge him and i thought he could tell me anything good or bad…I just can’t grasp this.

AGain, I’m so sorry for the rambling, but want to get all the facts out there. I really am enjoying this site. Thank you again

 

[bsketlady]

First, go have a talk with your daughter. You say know she and Fred have issues, you want to know if it’s standard teen-ager stuff or if he has hurt her and you don’t know it. *Ask her straight out *of he has abused her in any way or made a sexual advance or anything else you should know. Be calm and open to her. If she is just being 17, time will take care of it. If there’s more, then you need to know and secure her safety.

I’m hugely impressed that he says he needs therapy. You both go together and then he gets whatever one on one he needs and so do you. Never worry about your public family image. Find a few of those marriage enrichment week-ends the Church sponsors. Find resources.

Mostly, give this time. You just got run over by a truck, you need some time. You don’t decide anything right now, you aim at forgiveness, but it’s going to take time. Talk to your daughter and then tell Fred to find a family therapist and make an appointment for you both to go see that person. That has to happen in the next couple business days. That’s your plan.

Right now you’re just layin’ on the pavement, getting your breath, trying to figure out how much is broken. That’s enough for now. Keep praying.

You are right! I am 100% positive there was no abuse. Before we were married, they were always buds. He gets upset with her attitude and disrespectfulness and lack of courtesy. He thinkgs that I am not hard enough on her and should do more. I have punished beyond punished, but to no avail.

 

[Fan_of_Francis]

No advice, only prayers.

Our Father, Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

 

[blackwidow]

What a complete mess. I think the entire family needs counselling. God bless you all.

 

[svid2]

Prayers offered. Pax Christi.

 

[tuscany]

I am sorry you are going going
through this, I will pray for your family.

Dear Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
console the lonely, be with those needing peace,
give comfort to the lost or hopeless, protect the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
shield those in danger and, guide us from evil;
may all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen.

 

[Julia_Mae]

You are right! I am 100% positive there was no abuse. Before we were married, they were always buds. He gets upset with her attitude and disrespectfulness and lack of courtesy. He thinkgs that I am not hard enough on her and should do more. I have punished beyond punished, but to no avail.

You are not 100% positive until you have openly asked her. “Openly” meaning willing to accept whatever answer she gives. Your first responsibility is to your child. I am sure you believed for quite a long time he would never betray you, also. I have great sympathy for your position, but until you have secured the safety of your daughter, until you get out of the idea that she is simply rude and determine to find out the root of her hostility, until you do all in your power to be her mom right now, there is no next step to take.

Also, going forward, try to open your mind to the idea that you don’t have a clue what happened in his last marriage as you were not there. He told you his tale, and even if he believes it, it’s still his tale. He wanted to sell the idea that she treated him poorly and that’s why he betrayed her. Neither you nor she have any idea how many times or with whom.

Your husband is a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite. He manipulated you into getting rid of your last husband and inviting him into your life, taking plenty of your money, and having access to your daughter for most of her life. Now, go talk to your daughter and find out if anything unthinkable has happened to your child. Do it kindly, as if you love her and will protect her. And do that. Precisely how do you think preadolescent “buds” turn into her hating the sight of him? Stop punishing your child and listen to her.

Then drop in at the doctor and get tested for STDs. Then see a lawyer about protecting your marital assets. THEN you can do the therapy reconciliation process with your sexually compulsive mate. Unless you’ve had him arrested by then.

 

[blackwidow]

seriously, only a professional could ever help with this story, most of the players need to seek help. Lives are all intertwined with sex and marriages, plus a young woman who is just starting out with this type of background with her parents must make her act out. I think the adults should stop being so selfish and who cares if he cheated, worry about your daughter, a cheater never changes their ways.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

In the meantime you have both loved and supported children providing the best home for them along with giving out to your Community through your local Church. It was not your fault falling in love with both brothers with years in between!

God obviously had plans for you to be fully involved with your Husband’s family many many years ago and LOVE yourself for the fact that you have helped both of these men and their families throughout your life. Respect and congratulate yourself for all of your hard work through marriage whilst raising your daughter and supporting his children.

Many of us Christians love and support families, extended families, communities, children who come into our lives in all manner of ways and nothing is ever a ‘mess’; for every ‘mess’ as some people in life term family life, is the greatest blessings and love from Jesus that yourself as a Wife and Mother have loved and given in the greatest way to others.

To the point of your issue in a nutshell relating to your husband who has a flaw within himself (as you stated well before you both came together): work out if you can be with him physically again as time goes by. I suggest taking a separate room in the meantime to heal and to see what absence within the bedroom results (behaviour wise) in a few months time.

All families should participate in counselling (my ex husband and I tried) as there is never a ‘perfect family’. All families have issues, in particular couples/parents in addition to problems at some stage with teenagers. Those Parents who claim normalcy kid themselves as a result of ego based upon insecurities ie ‘our family is normal, my kids are well adjusted, there are never problems’. Introduce me to a family and interview children of any age and there are always problems/issues which generally gets back to the parents as their issues are exhibited after marriage and after they have children that requires counselling or being dealt with in a positive way.

Prayer is the key and in particular The Holy Rosary if I may suggest to you both once a day together, will stamp out old Satan, and heal both of your hearts, and asking for strength for your husband in the process to expel his cheating trait.

Love and best wishes to Yourself and family.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

"People, particularly ‘Christian, practising and Church Community giving’ Parents are not ‘Players’ " - I will pray for you Black Widow.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Many of us Christians love and support families, extended families, communities, children who come into our lives in all manner of ways and nothing is ever a ‘mess’; for every ‘mess’ as some people in life term family life, is the greatest blessings and love from Jesus that yourself as a Wife and Mother have loved and given in the greatest way to others.

This is true - Just look at how Jesus began his earthly life! Born into a family with a mom and a step-dad! Having to flee to Egypt to avoid being killed! I would say some people might call that a “mess” too!

 

[blackwidow]

are you kidding me, raise your children first. stop having all these relations with people, its selfish. that child is going to be so mixed up later in life or she probably already is. Good please pray for me, I need all the prayers I can get.

 

[bsketlady]

WOW - you couldn’t be more wrong! This is a reason I was fearful putting myself completely out there, but I felt it was the only way to honest advice. I realize my story sounds bad, but really it’s NOT that bad and it was WORKING for us. There’s no abuse I am sure of it I AM sure of it. As for the rest, I won’t even bother it was a response except to say you are way off course here and there’s really not another need to reply at all. Thank you

You are not 100% positive until you have openly asked her. “Openly” meaning willing to accept whatever answer she gives. Your first responsibility is to your child. I am sure you believed for quite a long time he would never betray you, also. I have great sympathy for your position, but until you have secured the safety of your daughter, until you get out of the idea that she is simply rude and determine to find out the root of her hostility, until you do all in your power to be her mom right now, there is no next step to take.

Also, going forward, try to open your mind to the idea that you don’t have a clue what happened in his last marriage as you were not there. He told you his tale, and even if he believes it, it’s still his tale. He wanted to sell the idea that she treated him poorly and that’s why he betrayed her. Neither you nor she have any idea how many times or with whom.

Your husband is a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite. He manipulated you into getting rid of your last husband and inviting him into your life, taking plenty of your money, and having access to your daughter for most of her life. Now, go talk to your daughter and find out if anything unthinkable has happened to your child. Do it kindly, as if you love her and will protect her. And do that. Precisely how do you think preadolescent “buds” turn into her hating the sight of him? Stop punishing your child and listen to her.

Then drop in at the doctor and get tested for STDs. Then see a lawyer about protecting your marital assets. THEN you can do the therapy reconciliation process with your sexually compulsive mate. Unless you’ve had him arrested by then.

 

[bsketlady]

Holy Cow another off base comment…I SAID it sounds bad but it’s not that horrific and really happens more often thanyou might know.

seriously, only a professional could ever help with this story, most of the players need to seek help. Lives are all intertwined with sex and marriages, plus a young woman who is just starting out with this type of background with her parents must make her act out. I think the adults should stop being so selfish and who cares if he cheated, worry about your daughter, a cheater never changes their ways.

 

[The_Bucket]

Holy Cow another off base comment…I SAID it sounds bad but it’s not that horrific and really happens more often thanyou might know.

Yes, divorce and remarriage happen frequently in this country and elsewhere. But in all seriousness, most people who do get divorced don’t end up marrying a former in-law. I’m very sorry that you’re enduring this betrayal, but no, it’s not common. And honestly, it’s not even normal.

 

[bsketlady]

You are the one that needs the help…how sad for you. I think you must have made a mistake and posted in the wrong forum.

seriously, only a professional could ever help with this story, most of the players need to seek help. Lives are all intertwined with sex and marriages, plus a young woman who is just starting out with this type of background with her parents must make her act out. I think the adults should stop being so selfish and who cares if he cheated, worry about your daughter, a cheater never changes their ways.

 

[bsketlady]

I meant the marrying of an ex-inlaw is more common than most people know…

i remain hopeful we can work through this and with Gods help and many prayers we will
he’s a good man and he still loves me.

Yes, divorce and remarriage happen frequently in this country and elsewhere. But in all seriousness, most people who do get divorced don’t end up marrying a former in-law. I’m very sorry that you’re enduring this betrayal, but no, it’s not common. And honestly, it’s not even normal.