Husband cheating on me?

[fred_conty]

Last night, I helped my husband write an email following up on a job application. I just checked his email to see if there was any response, and there was none. So I clicked into the “sent” file to make sure we had sent it and ended up seeing an email that he sent in response to a “personal ad” on Craigslist, women seeking men. The ad was from a girl in her early 20s saying “no strings attached” in our same town. He responded saying he was in the same town. I work night shift at a hospital about 40 miles away from home and I was working this night that he sent the email.

I don’t know what to think of this, maybe I’m in shock right now. Even if they didn’t meet up- he showed intent to. How do I know he hasn’t done this multiple times and just missed deleting this particular email? If you look at my posts historically- he has had issues with porn and I feel a general lack of intimacy in our marriage even to this day. Recently I’ve finally come to a point where, in order to define how I feel, I’ve decided that he is emotionally distant and does not know how to relate to me. But now, I don’t know… it could be a MUCH bigger problem than that.

What do I do? My first instinct was to pick up the phone and tell him to come home right now because we need to talk. But is that overreacting?

From what you’ve said, you have to answer the question as to whether you will forgive him or can forgive him if and when he is willing to do something positive. You have to prepare yourself even tho this isn’t easy. This also should be looked at as a long term process, that is, working towards a good marriage down the road, and the patience to see it that way.

One thing to avoid is rubbing it in, that is, “how could you do this to me” senario. You have to forget about your own feelings and look at it in a more spiritual light, thru the eyes of Christ, and the love of Mary. What you will do for him you will be more successful to remember that you are doing it to Jesus. That takes a very selfless attitude and a lot of love. But that combination of being selfless and showing love is the best way to make it happen.

If he sees how hard and much you want this to work, and in particular how much you believe and love him without being unreasonable with him, then this might overcome his weakness and make him want to work and change to make it happen. Your marriage may even be better than it ever was before, but only in time.

So you may want make out your own plan as to how you want to approach this before you do anything else. And ask yourself how much you are willing to suffer and give.

One strong point in your favor is that the Holy Spirit is on your side and there will be moments when that is all you will have to talk to and to help. But he will be there to guide and help if you listen quietly for his inspirations. He may even put words and thoughts in your mind which will inspire you and make you wonder.

One thing your husband needs immediately is the sacraments, confession and communion. And a regular time for them every week for now. Confession not only is where we lose our sins but are given graces to be faithful against weaknesses. He needs those graces to strengthen his determination.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[white_sheep]

Put a GPS on his car. Not that expensive.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

To those suggesting spying on the husband, a GPS, or similar ideas:

Such behavior will not benefit this marriage. When a marriage has a trust issue, the last thing you need to do is to go behind someone’s back, and exacerbate the problem. This man DOES need accountability, but he does not need his wife to be his babysitter – and doing such things will simply make it LESS likely that he will come to his senses, humble himself, and seek help.

When a wife acts like a prosecutor, a husband gets defensive. Hence the advice from EasterJoy, and others, to very carefully and lovingly consider a response in this case. I have no problem with that response being harsh, but it should be harsh because her feelings are hurt, not harsh because she comes forward with a well-catalogued list of wrongs.

OP, please don’t become a private investigator here. Be honest and open with your husband. He needs to either accept you or reject you, point blank – no more of this hiding and flirting with disaster. Treat him like a man, and maybe he’ll act like one.

**Don’t **treat him like a 7-year-old with his hands caught in the cookie jar.

 

[white_sheep]

Cookies! Wonderful idea!

People get too emotional about stuff. I’d put it on there and then I’d know. Simple as that. Not to mention who wants to end up with some incurable STD?

 

[Serap]

I would also not make love to him anymore until you guys can talk openly about this situation. He needs to know that you are not his fool. It’s about respect.

 

[psalm126]

OP, please don’t become a private investigator here.

Due to my life experiences, I respectfully disagree. Keylogging software, Christian marriage counseling, and God obviously, saved my marriage. My husband himself admitted that he never would have come clean about his unfaithfulness without my irrefutable proof. He was in complete denial - to me, to our therapist, and most importantly to himself! 6 years, 2 more children, and a lot of work & prayer later we are happily married. I am not however advocating using it to belittle or berate. But without that knowledge he would have just kept lying and we would never have been able to work through our issues. And he & I would both be missing out on a lot right now had our marriage ended then.

OP, I hope that you are okay (okay as one can be in a situation like this) and that God strengthens you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Due to my life experiences, I respectfully disagree. Keylogging software, Christian marriage counseling, and God obviously, saved my marriage. My husband himself admitted that he never would have come clean about his unfaithfulness without my irrefutable proof. He was in complete denial - to me, to our therapist, and most importantly to himself! 6 years, 2 more children, and a lot of work & prayer later we are happily married. I am not however advocating using it to belittle or berate. But without that knowledge he would have just kept lying and we would never have been able to work through our issues. And he & I would both be missing out on a lot right now had our marriage ended then.

OP, I hope that you are okay (okay as one can be in a situation like this) and that God strengthens you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

But I don’t think the OP expressed that her husband has repeatedly point-blank denied anything. What you’re describing is a step that could be made much later in the process.