Husband clearly favors youngest child

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My husband outspokenly and unabashedly plays favorites with the youngest of our four children. He clearly favors our daughter and will openly force the other children to be submissive to her.

In the past, he has instigated our oldest child, a daughter who is a teenager, by coddling the youngest while he tells the oldest how she’ll be leaving home once she turns 18 years old, but that the youngest has to stay with Daddy forever. Our oldest daughter is a mirror image of her father who is also pessimistic and sarcastic, but he can’t seem to find himself to be loving or nurturing towards her. He treats her as if what she’s saying is incoherent and will often avoid her altogether.

Our second child, a boy with special needs, also is on the receiving end of his negativity when he does things that irk my husband. (My husband is sensory avoiding while my son is a sensory seeking child due to his autism and developmental delay). They are exact opposites of one another and my husband finds he has little to no patience for my son’s behavior.

Our third child, a boy, is frequently taunted by my husband for mistakes, etc., and is also made to feel he better treat the youngest correctly or else he will be in trouble. He will often be pushed aside for the attention to remain on the youngest one.

I have explained to him the damage he is causing and how our children will inevitably start to resent the youngest, but he excuses it by saying she always treats him better than the others, is an “eager to please” child, and has not been a discipline problem. I tell him he’s creating a monster as she will often threaten her siblings with telling on them to dad.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I make it a point to treat them all equally so that they don’t feel any favoritism from me. I completely feel their pain when they come to me with how difficult and rash their father is towards them. It has also caused me to lash out at my husband when he is so unfair to them.

How can I make him see the damage he is causing in our family? It breaks my heart to see the other children feel “never good enough” for him.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
Parent’s are to love there children equally and not to give one child any special treatment apart from the children’s position’s e.g elder brother/elder sister younger brother/younger sister,but no special treatment.Pray to God .to Give your husband a good heart.I pray for you and your family.

"For nothing will be impossible with God."Luke 1:37

17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears And delivers them out of all their troubles.Psalm 34:17
Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.Hebrews 4:13
 
jmj777 said:
My husband outspokenly and unabashedly plays favorites with the youngest of our four children. He clearly favors our daughter and will openly force the other children to be submissive to her.

In the past, he has instigated our oldest child, a daughter who is a teenager, by coddling the youngest while he tells the oldest how she’ll be leaving home once she turns 18 years old, but that the youngest has to stay with Daddy forever. Our oldest daughter is a mirror image of her father who is also pessimistic and sarcastic, but he can’t seem to find himself to be loving or nurturing towards her. He treats her as if what she’s saying is incoherent and will often avoid her altogether.

Our second child, a boy with special needs, also is on the receiving end of his negativity when he does things that irk my husband. (My husband is sensory avoiding while my son is a sensory seeking child due to his autism and developmental delay). They are exact opposites of one another and *my husband finds he has little to no patience for my son’s behavior. *
Our third child, a boy, is frequently taunted by my husband for mistakes, etc., and is also made to feel he better treat the youngest correctly or else he will be in trouble. He will often be pushed aside for the attention to remain on the youngest one.

I have explained to him the damage he is causing and how our children will inevitably start to resent the youngest, but he excuses it by saying she always treats him better than the others, is an “eager to please” child, and has not been a discipline problem. I tell him he’s creating a monster as she will often threaten her siblings with telling on them to dad.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. **I make it a point to treat them all equally **so that they don’t feel any favoritism from me. I completely feel their pain when they come to me with how difficult and rash their father is towards them. It has also caused me to lash out at my husband when he is so unfair to them.

How can I make him see the damage he is causing in our family? It breaks my heart to see the other children feel “never good enough” for him.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
While I hear your worries about the children resenting their youngest sister, it seems to me that the problem is less about “favoritism” and more about how he treats the three older children.

However, when you say that he needs to “treat them all equally”, that phrasing isn’t likely to motivate him to change his behavior. Treating children “equally” seems to imply treating them the same. However, they have different issues. The one who is compliant doesn’t require the same correction.

Your children are each unique individuals. Clearly it sounds as if your husband has a harder time parenting some of them. Perhaps it’s always been that way or perhaps it is the stage of development contributing to the difficulty. Your husband wouldn’t be the first parent to find it difficult to deal with a teenager, (particularly a teen who is prone towards sarcasm!) Beyond that, you mentioned that one of your children has autism. That throws something else into your family dynamics and into your marriage.

You and your husband need to support each other, but it’s not uncommon for wives to “pick” on their for acting more like men and fathers instead of acting like women and mothers. Men are not women, so men don’t typically parent like mothers do. If it seems to your husband like you are tolerating behaviors from the other three that he finds intolerable, he may be more likely to “correct” them by going further off in the opposite direction of your parenting style.

Your husband wants to hold your three older children up to standards that they are not meeting to his expectation. You may think his expectations are unreasonable, but he doesn’t. I’m not saying that I approve of his methods, but I caution you to be very careful about finding fault in his methods while ignoring his overall goals and hopes for your three older children. You say you are lashing out at your husband over this. That is unlikely to do anything except cause trouble in your marriage and fuel to the fire.

If it seems like your children are “never good enough for him”, ask yourself if he might hold himself to similarly high standards? And also ask yourself if you husband may think that you are putting him in a situation where his parenting is “never good enough” for you? Heavy sigh. Please don’t take that personal. Try to see things from his perspective. Parenting is really tough sometimes. Show your husband a little mercy and compassion, and then he’ll be more likely to show that towards your children.
 
jmj777 said:
My husband outspokenly and unabashedly plays favorites with the youngest of our four children. He clearly favors our daughter and will openly force the other children to be submissive to her.

In the past, he has instigated our oldest child, a daughter who is a teenager, by coddling the youngest while he tells the oldest how she’ll be leaving home once she turns 18 years old, but that the youngest has to stay with Daddy forever. Our oldest daughter is a mirror image of her father who is also pessimistic and sarcastic, but he can’t seem to find himself to be loving or nurturing towards her. He treats her as if what she’s saying is incoherent and will often avoid her altogether.

Our second child, a boy with special needs, also is on the receiving end of his negativity when he does things that irk my husband. (My husband is sensory avoiding while my son is a sensory seeking child due to his autism and developmental delay). They are exact opposites of one another and my husband finds he has little to no patience for my son’s behavior.

Our third child, a boy, is frequently taunted by my husband for mistakes, etc., and is also made to feel he better treat the youngest correctly or else he will be in trouble. He will often be pushed aside for the attention to remain on the youngest one.

I have explained to him the damage he is causing and how our children will inevitably start to resent the youngest, but he excuses it by saying she always treats him better than the others, is an “eager to please” child, and has not been a discipline problem. I tell him he’s creating a monster as she will often threaten her siblings with telling on them to dad.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I make it a point to treat them all equally so that they don’t feel any favoritism from me. I completely feel their pain when they come to me with how difficult and rash their father is towards them. It has also caused me to lash out at my husband when he is so unfair to them.

How can I make him see the damage he is causing in our family? It breaks my heart to see the other children feel “never good enough” for him.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
The sad thing is that eventually, your youngest may turn against her dad. Don’t forget that his behavior is also abusive to her: 1) by perhaps permanently damaging her relationships with her siblings and 2) smothering her (“but that the youngest has to stay with Daddy forever”). That last quote is a big ewwww. And it’s also an offense against you, because your daughter is occupying a place in her father’s affections that ought to be yours.

psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201107/when-parents-make-children-their-friend-or-spouse

This dynamic also gets referred to as “emotional incest,” which is icky, but unfortunately what your husband is doing does fit somewhere on that spectrum.

Can you get your husband to some sort of marriage or family counseling about this? If he’s resistant, I think from now on, marriage counseling should be what you ask for for birthdays, Christmas, whatever? And if he won’t go, go yourself.
 
gardenswithkids said:
While I hear your worries about the children resenting their youngest sister, it seems to me that the problem is less about “favoritism” and more about how he treats the three older children.

However, when you say that he needs to “treat them all equally”, that phrasing isn’t likely to motivate him to change his behavior. Treating children “equally” seems to imply treating them the same. However, they have different issues. The one who is compliant doesn’t require the same correction.

Your children are each unique individuals. Clearly it sounds as if your husband has a harder time parenting some of them. Perhaps it’s always been that way or perhaps it is the stage of development contributing to the difficulty. Your husband wouldn’t be the first parent to find it difficult to deal with a teenager, (particularly a teen who is prone towards sarcasm!) Beyond that, you mentioned that one of your children has autism. That throws something else into your family dynamics and into your marriage.

You and your husband need to support each other, but it’s not uncommon for wives to “pick” on their for acting more like men and fathers instead of acting like women and mothers. Men are not women, so men don’t typically parent like mothers do. If it seems to your husband like you are tolerating behaviors from the other three that he finds intolerable, he may be more likely to “correct” them by going further off in the opposite direction of your parenting style.

Your husband wants to hold your three older children up to standards that they are not meeting to his expectation. You may think his expectations are unreasonable, but he doesn’t. I’m not saying that I approve of his methods, but I caution you to be very careful about finding fault in his methods while ignoring his overall goals and hopes for your three older children. You say you are lashing out at your husband over this. That is unlikely to do anything except cause trouble in your marriage and fuel to the fire.

If it seems like your children are “never good enough for him”, ask yourself if he might hold himself to similarly high standards? And also ask yourself if you husband may think that you are putting him in a situation where his parenting is “never good enough” for you? Heavy sigh. Please don’t take that personal. Try to see things from his perspective. Parenting is really tough sometimes. Show your husband a little mercy and compassion, and then he’ll be more likely to show that towards your children.
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This statement can be possible,too.As the husbands type of punishment may differ from the wife’s.

You should not look for a marriage counselling yet,wait and see what God want’s to do in your family.
 
I think I agree with both gardenswithkids and Xantippe. I think your husband’s behavior has several elements that are problematic as you’ve described them, but I also think it’s very normal to relate to different children differently (or to have an easier time with some children at certain stages of development). But that’s not an excuse to put one child on a pedestal and openly express dislike of other children…and that’s the kind of feeling I’m getting from your post about what your husband is doing. That’s just inviting all kinds of crazy dysfunction.
 
MY parents are just the opposite, they
were so afraid of showing favoritism that
on my bro’s birthday, when HE got a pop-
gun, and I cried aloud, I got one too!
It was a bad move… I never learned to
properly accept others’ being rewarded!!
Parents hold the kids’ futures in their hands,
this they got from God, and they will have
to answer to God for it!!!
 
GLam8833 said:
MY parents are just the opposite, they
were so afraid of showing favoritism that
on my bro’s birthday, when HE got a pop-
gun, and I cried aloud, I got one too!
It was a bad move… I never learned to
properly accept others’ being rewarded!!
Parents hold the kids’ futures in their hands,
this they got from God, and they will have
to answer to God for it!!!
Click to expand...
But what about the authority’s given to them.

** 3And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? 4"For God said, ‘HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER,’ and, ‘HE WHO SPEAKS EVIL OF FATHER OR MOTHER IS TO BE PUT TO DEATH.’ 5"But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God,“7"You hypocrites, rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you: 8’THIS PEOPLE HONORS ME WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEART IS FAR AWAY FROM ME.…‘BUT IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME, TEACHING AS DOCTRINES THE PRECEPTS OF MEN.’” Matthew 15**
 
hesso12 said:
For God of coarse

until the time God answers the prayer
Click to expand...
If your house were burning down, would you just sit with it burning around your ears instead of getting out or calling for help?

A family with this degree of division among siblings and spouses is (metaphorically speaking) a house that’s burning down. Action needs to be taken immediately to save the relationships between the siblings, between the spouses, and between the parents and the children.
 
He does not express a “dislike” for the other children, but more like a condescending attitude with little regard to how they may interpret his message. At times, he can belittle them and other times openly mocks them.

I agree that it isn’t easy dealing with a teenager who is sarcastic at times, but for the record she is more often a compliant and well behaved child who meets her responsibilities with homeschooling and household chores. However, when she is difficult, she can be extremely hard to reason with. Although, I think part of her negative behavior is due to her jealousy of her sister’s relationship with him.

I also agree that different children are easier to deal with at different times. I am with the children all day everyday as we homeschool and I know firsthand how challenging their misbehavior could be. I choose to discipline them and see them as children that need to be corrected and guided to good behavior; not “given up” on.

When I say I would like him to treat them all equally, I mean that he should praise one as equally as the other; reprimand them equally; and not belittle some while making excuses for another.

Peace.

+JMJ+
 
hesso12 said:
But what about the authority’s given to them.

** 3And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? 4"For God said, ‘HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER,’ and, ‘HE WHO SPEAKS EVIL OF FATHER OR MOTHER IS TO BE PUT TO DEATH.’ 5"But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God,“7"You hypocrites, rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you: 8’THIS PEOPLE HONORS ME WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEART IS FAR AWAY FROM ME.…‘BUT IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME, TEACHING AS DOCTRINES THE PRECEPTS OF MEN.’” Matthew 15**
Click to expand...
Not seeing the contradiction. GLam8833 said “Parents hold the kids’ futures in their hands.”

The more authority people have, the more power they have to harm those in their care.
 
Xantippe said:
Not seeing the contradiction. GLam8833 said “Parents hold the kids’ futures in their hands.”

The more authority people have, the more power they have to harm those in their care.
Click to expand...
But that does not mean they would harm those in their care.
 
Xantippe said:
If your house were burning down, would you just sit with it burning around your ears instead of getting out or calling for help?

A family with this degree of division among siblings and spouses is (metaphorically speaking) a house that’s burning down. Action needs to be taken immediately to save the relationships between the siblings, between the spouses, and between the parents and the children.
Click to expand...
If your house were burning down, would you just sit with it burning around your ears instead of getting out or calling for help?
I would get out get my family out

(Proverbs 19:20.20 Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.). Getting counseling is an excellent way to clear misconceptions about marriage roles, to see a situation from another viewpoint, and to distinguish between God’s standards and those of the world.
But I don’t see why,that would help much on this matter.
 
You husband needs professional mental health services, something is seriously wrong with him.

You need to consider the level of emotional and psychological abuse he is inflicting on them and make a decision regarding their safety, which may require physical separation from this man.

This is beyond “playing favorites”. Something is terribly wrong here and I suggest you stop standing by and allowing this abuse to continue.
 
This.

What your husband is doing is seriously disturbing and if it keeps up it will do irreversible damage to the entire family.

You all need counseling to fix the problem. But he especially needs it.
 
jmj777 said:
My husband outspokenly and unabashedly plays favorites with the youngest of our four children. He clearly favors our daughter and will openly force the other children to be submissive to her.

In the past, he has instigated our oldest child, a daughter who is a teenager, by coddling the youngest while he tells the oldest how she’ll be leaving home once she turns 18 years old, but that the youngest has to stay with Daddy forever. Our oldest daughter is a mirror image of her father who is also pessimistic and sarcastic, but he can’t seem to find himself to be loving or nurturing towards her. He treats her as if what she’s saying is incoherent and will often avoid her altogether.

Our second child, a boy with special needs, also is on the receiving end of his negativity when he does things that irk my husband. (My husband is sensory avoiding while my son is a sensory seeking child due to his autism and developmental delay). They are exact opposites of one another and my husband finds he has little to no patience for my son’s behavior.

Our third child, a boy, is frequently taunted by my husband for mistakes, etc., and is also made to feel he better treat the youngest correctly or else he will be in trouble. He will often be pushed aside for the attention to remain on the youngest one.

I have explained to him the damage he is causing and how our children will inevitably start to resent the youngest, but he excuses it by saying she always treats him better than the others, is an “eager to please” child, and has not been a discipline problem. I tell him he’s creating a monster as she will often threaten her siblings with telling on them to dad.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I make it a point to treat them all equally so that they don’t feel any favoritism from me. I completely feel their pain when they come to me with how difficult and rash their father is towards them. It has also caused me to lash out at my husband when he is so unfair to them.

How can I make him see the damage he is causing in our family? It breaks my heart to see the other children feel “never good enough” for him.

Peace.

+JMJ+
Click to expand...
I’m actually on the autism spectrum I’m not sure what you mean by sensory seeking since I generally want to avoid stuff like that
 
Your husband holding the older three children to different (higher, stricter) standards than the youngest is bound to cause issues between the siblings. Does your husband want all of his children to be close and get along? If he does, then he needs to hold ALL of them to the SAME standards, and punish them in the same way for the same offenses, etc.

I can tell you from personal experience that favoritism helped ruin my relationship with my sister. My sister is most definitely the favorite. Always has been and always will be. She was allowed to do A LOT more than I ever was, and it was clear that my mother favored (and still does) favor my sister. It has put a huge wedge between us. My parents are still playing favorites to this day and they have done way more harm than good, in terms of my relationship with my sister. I could go on and on about the things that they have done to show favoritism towards my sister, and vocally supported my sister not having to communicate with me if she didn’t want to. My sister and I have not spoken in years and I don’t see it changing.
 
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