Husband contradicts me in front of MIL

  • Thread starter Thread starter m_crane
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

m_crane

Guest
**** My mother in law seems to always cause small disagreements between my husband and myself whenever she is around by asking for advice or opinions then gets into the middle any disagreement we have. The kicker is she always takes DH advice or direction and never mine even on subject when she asks for my help. She may ask me for a recipe for example and my husband who never cooks will say something like you don’t put onions in that and she will take his word over mine.
My husband is usually contadictory with me even when we are alone, I usually ignore it most of the time and my children, my mom and siblings usually just roll their eyes and ignore these petty squabbles too so I don’t feel that I have to defend myself around them. But these contradictions when his mother is around that really do upset me and I have told him but he just doesn’t see it. I even think that he learned this behavior from his parents who are now divorced it seems they interacted this way too. Another thing is that I feel that MIL really enjoys seeing us squabble. It seems to energize her.
I would say most of the time my husband will question any action, opinion, statement I make. Usually I just tell him to mind his own business or that I don’t care and that he being annoying but that’s only in private. Never around MIL. Really! he is quite a pest. Everything is a debate. So I’ve learned to pick my battles carefully. The only solution is to not talk at all. Any (name removed by moderator)ut welcome.
 
*I’m sorry this is happening…ugh. My immediate thought is…misery loves company. Your MIL is without a husband, probably not happy about that, and maybe deep down, likes to have company in her misery. My advice would be to defer to your husband when she asks a question…“Honey, what do you think about that?” Your dh will answer and that will be the end of it.

Your husband needs to also not permit his mother to get between you two, but if he is not able to see it as you say–my advice should work. She asks a question…you turn to your husband and say…“Honey, what do you think?”

Don’t ever shrink to petty games, just because someone is throwing you the ball. I cannot stand some of the petty games women play, so I don’t play them. More important things to worry about in life, so don’t worry yourself over this. Because in the end, what will it get you? You’ll end up fighting with your hubby…or not wanting his mom over. It’s not worth it, defer the question to hubby, and hopefully that will send a message to your MIL that you aren’t playing her game. If she even sees it as a game, that could be another issue. :o

I pray that I’m a loving mother in law with my kids’ spouses someday. :o Praying for you that things get better on this front. :hug1:*
 
I would stop offering any kind of advice to MIL. Just smile sweetly at your dh and say, “What do you think, dear?”
 
Sounds like everyone needs to get out of Jr High and begin to communicate like adults. Maybe Retrouvaille for you and your husband, learn communication.

Use what you learn in all your interactions.
 
Depending on how long it was going on, I wouldn’t be able to be so nice. I’d probably just flash her a million dollar smile and say to her question “Why, I have no idea! Why don’t you ask the expert!” And look at him and smile. And say that every time. Every. time.

Same tone, everything.

Your bigger issue is his need to say up when you say down in private and everywhere. It’s a power kick and a refusal on his part to grant you the dignity of knowing more than he knows about anything or admitting you are right about anything.

That is a bigger problem. Maybe Retrouvaille can help. But someone who goes into that program feeling the need to demean his wife in front of everyone and everything usually comes out the same way. (My experience.)

And start avoiding your mother in law. She’s a S— stirrer.
 
m_crane said:
**** My mother in law seems to always cause small disagreements between my husband and myself whenever she is around by asking for advice or opinions then gets into the middle any disagreement we have. The kicker is she always takes DH advice or direction and never mine even on subject when she asks for my help. She may ask me for a recipe for example and my husband who never cooks will say something like you don’t put onions in that and she will take his word over mine.
My husband is usually contadictory with me even when we are alone, I usually ignore it most of the time and my children, my mom and siblings usually just roll their eyes and ignore these petty squabbles too so I don’t feel that I have to defend myself around them. But these contradictions when his mother is around that really do upset me and I have told him but he just doesn’t see it. I even think that he learned this behavior from his parents who are now divorced it seems they interacted this way too. Another thing is that I feel that MIL really enjoys seeing us squabble. It seems to energize her.
I would say most of the time my husband will question any action, opinion, statement I make. Usually I just tell him to mind his own business or that I don’t care and that he being annoying but that’s only in private. Never around MIL. Really! he is quite a pest. Everything is a debate. So I’ve learned to pick my battles carefully. The only solution is to not talk at all. Any (name removed by moderator)ut welcome.
Click to expand...
MIL sounds like she has issues. Why would she want to see her son and his wife argue?

I would say you need to avoid being around her. Can you go to a different room when she comes over and read a book or something? Sure she might be offended and say you are rude, but there is really no reason why you should have to endure her abuse.

And maybe like Liberanosamalo said tell her to “ask the expert” if you just can’t manage to avoid her and she asks you for advice. It might seem rude, but it really seems like the only reason she asks in the first place is to start arguments between you and your husband.

You have to let your husband know somehow that the way he is treating you is not okay. If you put up with it he will continue to do it. If it’s a behavior he picked up from his parents’ failed marriage (all the more reason to rid your marriage of it), he might not be conscious about doing it.

Maybe see a therapist for some advice about how to get him to stop, but in my experience people will cut it out if there are consequences for those actions. Like, if he does that to you, tell him he is being disrespectful and hurtful and go to a different room. Maybe if you generally do nice things for him (like say make him a snack), don’t do it after he does those types of things.

It might sound sad, but you do have to train some people to treat you with respect. And if there are fairly serious negative consequences for him every time he does that, he might get the point and stop.
 
m_crane said:
My mother in law seems to always cause small disagreements between my husband and myself whenever she is around by asking for advice or opinions then gets into the middle any disagreement we have. .
Click to expand...
why do you allow her to get away with this manipulative behavior? Why do you respond to her on these occasions? I don’t ask to be accusatory but as a suggestion on how to begin to deal with her, a way for you to think through the problem.

From the rest of your post it sounds as if you feel that you and your husband have difficulty in discussing and resolving problems and conflicts, so it seems that is the place to start, and leave MIL out of it. As a beginning of that process you can at least agree that the next time she interjects you will simply not take the bait. that will give you a basis of commonality to begin your attack on the underlying communication problem, which is about the two of you, not her. She has observed this and is using it for her own ends. Don’t let her get away with it. Just because someone asks you a question does not mean you owe any response except a vague smile.
  • She asks a question…you turn to your husband and say…“Honey, what do you think?” *
**I think this suggestion from whatevergirl is very sound.
 
“The kicker is she always takes DH advice or direction and never mine…”
Click to expand...
Should I know what DH means? In the context all I can imagine is “dumb husband” or “damn husband”.
 
MonicaD hit it on the head. The problem is with the husband, not the MIL. Because if the husband were doing his job, MIL would have no power.

So, m crane, when you were dating and he constantly negated you, what exactly about that was so attractive that you decided you wanted to live with it for life? It is also obvious to me that he has absolutely no boundary enforcement going on with his mother, which was also something I am sure you saw when dating. You married yourself a mama’s boy who thinks you are a moron and has no problem with displaying that publicly. :confused:

Since you’re stuck now, I agree that playing dumb is probably your best stress-avoidance strategy. Just don’t engage anymore. If you refuse to participate, the fun will go out of it for both of them. They are both acting like little kids pulling the wings off a bug, and you’re the bug. What a sick dynamic. 😦
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top