S
Samanthajr
Guest
I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for half that time. We met as teenagers, thus the long courtship. He is one of the sweetest people you’ll ever meet- funny, considerate, and a good father. However, he has some serious problems that have been present for a very long time.
Since the time that we met, he’s had a problem with lying. It took about a year after we had started dating before lies started coming to light, and at the time they were silly things along the lines of made up past relationships or stories about himself. I was so young at the time, and so in love, I largely overlooked what a glaring red flag this was. He told me it was a problem he had had for quite some time and very emotionally explained that he wanted to get better. I told him I would help him to overcome it (once again, remember that I was only 16 at the time and naively thought myself capable of such a thing). I told him I’d wait as long as it took for him to figure out his problems.
Fast forward to years later, the problem persisted. He would lie about stupid, insignificant things constantly to save face. It got to such a point that I nearly called off our wedding, but I loved him so much and our relationship was so wonderful in other ways that I couldn’t. Time and time and time again I would catch him in a lie and we would have arguments followed by emotional outpourings from him about how helpless he felt and wanted to get better.
During our married life, the primary subject of the lies has been food (though there have been others such as hidden speeding tickets). While in his first year of college, he developed a very unhealthy relationship with food and gained a great deal of weight. Ever since then, he has had a very severe food addiction (buying enormous amounts of food and eating double meals - one on his own, followed by one with me/other company). He claims that he has these compulsions to eat and can’t seem to stop himself. Many times I’ve tried to help and support him, even though I have such a hard time understanding, and it’s seemed like we’ve made progress only for me to realize he’s relapsed behind the scenes and hidden it from me. This is where the lying ties in. Month after month, year after year, we’ve gone through cycles of this. Me thinking he was better, then finding hidden fast food bags in his car or some such thing and realizing he’s been eating double meals again and lying. Last year, I found a fast food receipt in one of his pockets while doing the laundry, with an unfamiliar credit card number on it. I confronted him, and after trying to keep up the lie until I pleaded with him, he finally admitted that he had bought visa gift cards at the grocery store so that he could use them undetected and the transactions wouldn’t show up on our statements.
I feel so defeated, and don’t know what to do. We’ve had so many talks and he seems so ashamed and remorseful, but nothing ever changes. It seems absurd to me that he would jeopardize our relationship to protect lies. I waver between wanting to help him and feeling immensely bitter about what he’s put me through. The food addiction is difficult to deal with… but far, far worse are the lies. I’ve pleaded with him over and over to just be honest with me about his problems and I get the same “I’ll do better” speech every time. I feel so angry inside now, because his constant lies have made me incredibly paranoid. I’ve not only lost my trust in him but others too. I’m constantly afraid of that all-too-familiar feeling of being made a fool of when I’ve discovered a new lie. It makes me feel that he doesn’t respect me… the fact that he actually thinks I’ll believe his ludicrous lies. Just recently he admitted to a lie that he had told almost ten years ago. I had told him over the years that I didn’t believe it and he lied to my face about it for those 10 years… then finally came clean. It makes me wonder what other things he’s “sworn” were/weren’t the case over the years that he might finally admit to me another ten years from now… or maybe never.
My husband is sweet and respectful in other ways, considerate, a pleasure to be around….anyone who doesn’t know about his secret problems tells me how blessed I am… but how do i reconcile his deception? How do I stay loving and kind and patient with someone who’s fed me lies again and again? I constantly feel that I’m putting on a happy face for my own sake while deep inside I feel depressed and miserable and outright resentful. The worst part is that I feel I chose this life. I knew he had a problem and told myself the good outweighed the bad and married him anyway. I can’t imagine being with anyone else because he’s my best friend but sometimes I feel so, so bitter at what he’s done to me psychologically that I just want out.
They say marriage is built on trust. What do you do when you don’t have that? I want more than anything to make my resentment go away and to fix my relationship with my husband but I have no idea how, especially when the problem keeps on going and going. I fight with the feeling that I can’t let my guard down because I’ll just be burned again. I feel helpless and emotionally and psychologically damaged. I feel I’ve lost all hope that things will get better, because even if they do, will I believe that they have? Will I ever be able to accept anything as truth from him again? If anyone has any advice regarding any of this, thank you in advance for reading this and sharing… I really appreciate it.
Since the time that we met, he’s had a problem with lying. It took about a year after we had started dating before lies started coming to light, and at the time they were silly things along the lines of made up past relationships or stories about himself. I was so young at the time, and so in love, I largely overlooked what a glaring red flag this was. He told me it was a problem he had had for quite some time and very emotionally explained that he wanted to get better. I told him I would help him to overcome it (once again, remember that I was only 16 at the time and naively thought myself capable of such a thing). I told him I’d wait as long as it took for him to figure out his problems.
Fast forward to years later, the problem persisted. He would lie about stupid, insignificant things constantly to save face. It got to such a point that I nearly called off our wedding, but I loved him so much and our relationship was so wonderful in other ways that I couldn’t. Time and time and time again I would catch him in a lie and we would have arguments followed by emotional outpourings from him about how helpless he felt and wanted to get better.
During our married life, the primary subject of the lies has been food (though there have been others such as hidden speeding tickets). While in his first year of college, he developed a very unhealthy relationship with food and gained a great deal of weight. Ever since then, he has had a very severe food addiction (buying enormous amounts of food and eating double meals - one on his own, followed by one with me/other company). He claims that he has these compulsions to eat and can’t seem to stop himself. Many times I’ve tried to help and support him, even though I have such a hard time understanding, and it’s seemed like we’ve made progress only for me to realize he’s relapsed behind the scenes and hidden it from me. This is where the lying ties in. Month after month, year after year, we’ve gone through cycles of this. Me thinking he was better, then finding hidden fast food bags in his car or some such thing and realizing he’s been eating double meals again and lying. Last year, I found a fast food receipt in one of his pockets while doing the laundry, with an unfamiliar credit card number on it. I confronted him, and after trying to keep up the lie until I pleaded with him, he finally admitted that he had bought visa gift cards at the grocery store so that he could use them undetected and the transactions wouldn’t show up on our statements.
I feel so defeated, and don’t know what to do. We’ve had so many talks and he seems so ashamed and remorseful, but nothing ever changes. It seems absurd to me that he would jeopardize our relationship to protect lies. I waver between wanting to help him and feeling immensely bitter about what he’s put me through. The food addiction is difficult to deal with… but far, far worse are the lies. I’ve pleaded with him over and over to just be honest with me about his problems and I get the same “I’ll do better” speech every time. I feel so angry inside now, because his constant lies have made me incredibly paranoid. I’ve not only lost my trust in him but others too. I’m constantly afraid of that all-too-familiar feeling of being made a fool of when I’ve discovered a new lie. It makes me feel that he doesn’t respect me… the fact that he actually thinks I’ll believe his ludicrous lies. Just recently he admitted to a lie that he had told almost ten years ago. I had told him over the years that I didn’t believe it and he lied to my face about it for those 10 years… then finally came clean. It makes me wonder what other things he’s “sworn” were/weren’t the case over the years that he might finally admit to me another ten years from now… or maybe never.
My husband is sweet and respectful in other ways, considerate, a pleasure to be around….anyone who doesn’t know about his secret problems tells me how blessed I am… but how do i reconcile his deception? How do I stay loving and kind and patient with someone who’s fed me lies again and again? I constantly feel that I’m putting on a happy face for my own sake while deep inside I feel depressed and miserable and outright resentful. The worst part is that I feel I chose this life. I knew he had a problem and told myself the good outweighed the bad and married him anyway. I can’t imagine being with anyone else because he’s my best friend but sometimes I feel so, so bitter at what he’s done to me psychologically that I just want out.
They say marriage is built on trust. What do you do when you don’t have that? I want more than anything to make my resentment go away and to fix my relationship with my husband but I have no idea how, especially when the problem keeps on going and going. I fight with the feeling that I can’t let my guard down because I’ll just be burned again. I feel helpless and emotionally and psychologically damaged. I feel I’ve lost all hope that things will get better, because even if they do, will I believe that they have? Will I ever be able to accept anything as truth from him again? If anyone has any advice regarding any of this, thank you in advance for reading this and sharing… I really appreciate it.
). Fortunately, when I was 18 and out of the house I decided that didn’t want to live like that anymore, so I taught myself how to eat and I started a pretty intense workout routine. It worked, and I’ve been in great shape since.