Husband demanding that I wear a veil

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Eva_B

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Hello all,

I am looking for any advice/support anyone has to offer. My husband has recently begun going to a FSSP parish in our area (after he attended the parish the rest of our family has attended for 13 years, attending 3 other Latin Mass parishes, and attending the local SSPX chapel…). I told him I would go with him sometimes, but he tells me that he would be embarrassed to be sitting next to me unless I veiled my head - every woman/girl covers her head, according to him. He says the rule was never abrogated in the 1983 code of canon law, and that from now on if he (ever) attends our home parish with me, he would be embarrassed to have me not in a veil as well. The parish our family attends is very solid - even my husband will admit that it’s the best the “novus ordo” could be celebrated (even though he says the graces in the Mass can’t compare to the graces in the Latin mass).

Now I know all about “wives be submissive to their husbands” - I’ve heard that passage recited to me hundreds of times over the course of our marriage. If you met me, you would laugh to think that I’m anything but a good, loving wife. I dress very modestly, homeschool our children, support my husband in his many business ventures (successful or not), am patient with all of his sufferings (unemployment, physical pain, mental illness, etc.), and speak well of him to others. He tells me that I must follow him to this new parish of his, leave our home parish with our 8 kids (including boys who love to be altar servers), put on my veil, and OBEY. He tells me that loving me as Christ loved the church is what he is doing - he loves me enough to force me to leave the parish, my friends, my family, wear a veil… It’s very difficult for him to love me this much when I’m such a disobedient wife, but it’s his cross. Sigh.

He suffers from severe anxiety & depression. His rage is out of control. The kids & I are walking on eggshells. 😦 and I don’t know what to do. Should I just put on the veil, follow him, bring our kids (who don’t want to be there), and be that submissive, holy wife? We have attended the local Latin mass parishes with him (except for the SSPX one - I drew the line there) in the past, and our kids were sad, to say the least. The older ones were willing to go twice just to be able to be at our home parish each weekend. This whole situation isn’t helping their faith or their (fragile at best) relationship with their father.

I don’t anticipate that I can receive any advice that changes anything, but I just needed to share my situation. Thank you for that. Please pray for our family.
 
Eva_B said:
Now I know all about “wives be submissive to their husbands” - I’ve heard that passage recited to me hundreds of times over the course of our marriage.
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Sorry that I’m not going to reply to your whole post at this time, just wanted to touch on this particular sentence.

It sounds like he’s trying to stomp you down to size, belittle you, get you to follow his whim. For to feel the need to recite that “hundreds” of times in a marriage is quite bizarre. It doesn’t seem like he is behaving in a very Christian way.

When he does this again, I would turn it around on him. If he is constantly looking down on you for not being the perfect wife, then try to explain to him how you are trying to follow God but you are not perfect. Then turn it around on him. Say, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” and see if he thinks he meets THAT criterion.

In related news, this husband’s behavior is exactly the reason that people are skeptical of those who constantly mention this Biblical passage.
Eva B:
He tells me that loving me as Christ loved the church is what he is doing - he loves me enough to force me to leave the parish, my friends, my family, wear a veil… It’s very difficult for him to love me this much when I’m such a disobedient wife, but it’s his cross. Sigh.
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What a freakin fruitcake. I’m sorry that you married this guy. Very sorry. I’ll pray for you.
 
Wow, I’m really sorry to hear about this. To be honest, I’m much less concerned about your veil or where you attend Mass than I am about the “rages,” “mental illness” and tenuous relationship between your husband and your children that you mention. It all sounds very abusive, or borderline abusive, and that’s certainly not a Christian way to live.

But as for the immediate problem at hand, I suppose my solution would be to attend the FSSP parish once or twice a month with him, but to not sever your ties with your parish if that’s what you and your children prefer. The Latin Mass isn’t for everyone, despite what some trads will tell you. Incidentally, I used to attend an FSSP parish and only about 2/3 of the women wore veils, but I suppose it may be different from place to place.

Your husband sounds like the type who gives trad men a [somewhat deserved] bad name. Perhaps you and he should visit the FSSP priest for some counseling.
 
Reminds me of the saying Don’t sweat the small stuff. The more fuss you make on this bit of cloth the more angry he is going to be and he is polarised already.

Sure he needs help but YOU need to be safe. Difference between being a doormat and conceding small stuff to stay safe
 
Rosebud77 said:
Reminds me of the saying Don’t sweat the small stuff. The more fuss you make on this bit of cloth the more angry he is going to be and he is polarised already.

Sure he needs help but YOU need to be safe. Difference between being a doormat and conceding small stuff to stay safe
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There are really two different things here. One is the veil. The other is the complex of other problems in the relationship. I don’t think I would conflate the first with the second. If it’s customary to wear a veil where you sometimes go, I would wear the veil.

That veil can’t be sufficiently heavy to give one a sore neck.

Now and then we go to the indult TLM Mass here. Male attendees almost always wear coat and tie, though at N.O. Masses, almost nobody does. It is not an imposition to wear a coat and tie if I am going to a TLM Mass. In fact, I wear one to the N.O. Masses (I’m almost the only one) because my wife likes it and it does seem more respectful to me as well.
 
I frequently attend the EF/ Latin Mass and I appreciate the woman who wear veils as it keeps a venerable and ancient Catholic custom alive, shows reverence to God, and highlights the difference between the sexes at a time when so much of our culture thinks we are interchangeable.

That being said, it is ridiculous (perhaps even sinful) for your husband to demand that you wear one. Mother Church, in her wisdom, has decided the individual woman shall have the right to choose to veil or not to veil and thus you have said right.

My wife chooses not to veil and I would never dream of making her wear one.

God bless.
 
Relationships are about compromise. Tell him you will wear the veil if he gets help for his anxiety and depression. Explain that it is hurting the family as well as your relationship and that he has a responsibility as a Christian husband and father to make sure he is as available emotionally as possible. Agree to go to EF Mass on the weeks your sons aren’t serving as long as he is willing to attend the OF church on the weeks they are.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing a veil.
There’s nothing wrong with not wearing a veil.
There’s nothing wrong with attending the OF or the EF.

This is a power struggle and as soon as you get involved in one of these, you’ve already lost. Get to a marraige therapist and get the work done.
 
You do not “need” to wear a veil, anywhere, anytime.

Whether hubby likes it or not, the rule has been abrogated, and no woman is “required” to cover her head.

That said, wearing a veil is the least of your problems. I strongly suggest that you take a copy of this post and bring it to the FSSP priest, and your own parish priest. Your husband needs help.

Peace & prayers for you & your children.
 
I’m very glad you refused to go to the SSPX mass – that’s outside the Church.

So, I’m sure your faith is good. I’m not sure about him, but whether or not you decide to comply or not, I’m sure the Lord will bless you.
 
I second the opinion of Oneofthewomen. She is right on the mark. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. This is not what your husband is doing. Please seek the counsel of your priest. I am sure that he will have suggestions for help for your husband. He needs it.
 
You both need marital counseling.

He needs individual counseling.

This is not a marriage. This is not sacrificial love.

He needs help.
 
Your husband sounds like he needs professional help.

He’s trying to control his moods by controlling you.
 
Allegra said:
Relationships are about compromise. Tell him you will wear the veil if he gets help for his anxiety and depression. Explain that it is hurting the family as well as your relationship and that he has a responsibility as a Christian husband and father to make sure he is as available emotionally as possible. Agree to go to EF Mass on the weeks your sons aren’t serving as long as he is willing to attend the OF church on the weeks they are.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing a veil.
There’s nothing wrong with not wearing a veil.
There’s nothing wrong with attending the OF or the EF.

This is a power struggle and as soon as you get involved in one of these, you’ve already lost. Get to a marraige therapist and get the work done.
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He won’t attend the OF Mass anymore. There’s no compromise. He says compromise shows that he’s not the head - I am.
 
I would recommend talking with a priest you feel most comfortable talking to – probably the one at your current parish. There is a lot more going on here than just whether or not to wear a veil. He would be in a better position to guide you through all of this.

Just as a side note – though this is really tangential to the issues you are experiencing – the 1983 Code of Canon Law abrogates the previous Code of Canon Law (see canon 6). The 1983 Code does not need to single out everything previously in the law and abrogate them individually. So it’s simply not true that head coverings are mandated by Canon Law.
 
Rosebud77 said:
Reminds me of the saying Don’t sweat the small stuff. The more fuss you make on this bit of cloth the more angry he is going to be and he is polarised already.

Sure he needs help but YOU need to be safe. Difference between being a doormat and conceding small stuff to stay safe
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The problem is that the veil represents a whole lot more to him than “small stuff”. He says the veil is a sign of wifely submission. It’s not personal devotion. Even if the church tells me I don’t have to wear a veil, if my husband says I have to, then I must obey.
 
Eva_B said:
He won’t attend the OF Mass anymore. There’s no compromise. He says compromise shows that he’s not the head - I am.
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Please go talk with your priest about this. Your situation requires much more guidance than simply our advice over head coverings.
 
Eva_B said:
He says the rule was never abrogated in the 1983 code of canon law
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Canon 6 of the 1983 Code of Canon Law: “When this Code goes into effect, the following are abrogated: 1- the Code of Canon Law promulgated in 1917.”

I’m not going to quote the whole thing, but that blows the argument right out of the water. Covering for women is not mentioned in the 1983 Code, so it is no longer mandatory.

I do cover, not because I have to, but because I want to. It is a devotion that can be chosen by women. It should not be forced on anyone.
 
I concur with the others in that I would see the advice of a priest, as well as secular (professional) counseling for your husband (as well as yourself in marital counseling). His issues seem to stem from an innate need for your submission (for a reason I do not know), and the best advice I can give you (that you have already received) is for your and your husband to seek counseling, both of a religious and secular nature.

Your husband’s issues seem to stem farther than your “wifely” submission, and I am afraid you (or your children) may experience physical (as you seem have to already experienced emotional) abuse in the future, as you have spoken of your husband’s “rages” (and mental issues). I will pray for you and your husband.
 
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