Husband demanding that I wear a veil

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You really need to talk to a priest about this.
Your husband has no right what-so-ever to treat you, or your children this way.
This is not love, but control, and not at all what the Church or God wants for a married couple.

Please, get off the internet, and make that call to your priest.
This situation is a disaster waiting to happen.

Peace & prayers for you.
Eva_B said:
He won’t attend the OF Mass anymore. There’s no compromise. He says compromise shows that he’s not the head - I am.
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Eva_B said:
The problem is that the veil represents a whole lot more to him than “small stuff”. He says the veil is a sign of wifely submission. It’s not personal devotion. Even if the church tells me I don’t have to wear a veil, if my husband says I have to, then I must obey.
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Ridgerunner said:
There are really two different things here. One is the veil. The other is the complex of other problems in the relationship. I don’t think I would conflate the first with the second. If it’s customary to wear a veil where you sometimes go, I would wear the veil.
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I completely agree. If one is going to a Church that where it is customary that all woman wear veils, then wear a veil. It’s not a one way street either…if men customarily wear a suit, then wear a suit. It’s simply respect.

The rage issue is separate. It appears that your husband is devour, so I would recommend counseling with a pastor, or other appropriate member of the Church.
 
St. Paul says that women have long hair as a natural veil.

[BIBLEDRB]1 Cor 11:14-15[/BIBLEDRB]
 
Eva_B said:
Hello all,

I am looking for any advice/support anyone has to offer. My husband has recently begun going to a FSSP parish in our area (after he attended the parish the rest of our family has attended for 13 years, attending 3 other Latin Mass parishes, and attending the local SSPX chapel…). I told him I would go with him sometimes, but he tells me that he would be embarrassed to be sitting next to me unless I veiled my head - every woman/girl covers her head, according to him. He says the rule was never abrogated in the 1983 code of canon law, and that from now on if he (ever) attends our home parish with me, he would be embarrassed to have me not in a veil as well. The parish our family attends is very solid - even my husband will admit that it’s the best the “novus ordo” could be celebrated (even though he says the graces in the Mass can’t compare to the graces in the Latin mass).

Now I know all about “wives be submissive to their husbands” - I’ve heard that passage recited to me hundreds of times over the course of our marriage. If you met me, you would laugh to think that I’m anything but a good, loving wife. I dress very modestly, homeschool our children, support my husband in his many business ventures (successful or not), am patient with all of his sufferings (unemployment, physical pain, mental illness, etc.), and speak well of him to others. He tells me that I must follow him to this new parish of his, leave our home parish with our 8 kids (including boys who love to be altar servers), put on my veil, and OBEY. He tells me that loving me as Christ loved the church is what he is doing - he loves me enough to force me to leave the parish, my friends, my family, wear a veil… It’s very difficult for him to love me this much when I’m such a disobedient wife, but it’s his cross. Sigh.

He suffers from severe anxiety & depression. His rage is out of control. The kids & I are walking on eggshells. 😦 and I don’t know what to do. Should I just put on the veil, follow him, bring our kids (who don’t want to be there), and be that submissive, holy wife? We have attended the local Latin mass parishes with him (except for the SSPX one - I drew the line there) in the past, and our kids were sad, to say the least. The older ones were willing to go twice just to be able to be at our home parish each weekend. This whole situation isn’t helping their faith or their (fragile at best) relationship with their father.

I don’t anticipate that I can receive any advice that changes anything, but I just needed to share my situation. Thank you for that. Please pray for our family.
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(“His rage is out of control. The kids & I are walking on eggshells”) That does not sound to me like you have been disobedient.
It sounds like he is a bully who throws his weight around and uses God as his excuse.

He says the rule that women must be veiled in church has not been removed from canon law. Can he point to any source other than the particular church he wants to attend that says that?
What says the Manual of General Instruction on the Rubrics of the Mass? What say the priests at all the other parishes?

If he rejects these sources then I would say he’s trying to match his personal opinion against the actual teaching of the Church - and he has, and can have, NO authority to order you to disobey Holy Mother Church.
 
I don’t like the fact that the OP’s husband is trying to move their family out of their home parish (where presumably the OP has friends and support) to a different parish where she may have none of those things. That is very suspect, given his emotionally abusive behavior.

As others have said, talk to your priest about this and get all necessary support.
 
Eva_B said:
He won’t attend the OF Mass anymore. There’s no compromise. He says compromise shows that he’s not the head - I am.
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this is terribly sad. the veil is no big deal, i would wear one, they’re pretty. but your husband is seriously messed up. tell him to try reading 2 peter and 1 timothy. then tell him compromise is how a true leader gets things done. he needs to take the families feelings into account. and why is he church hopping anyway?
most importantly though is getting him some help asap. i’m concerned about his rages and how is being distanced from his sons. i’m worried that his rages could end with him physically hurting you and/or the children. he may need to get on some meds to help him calm down. it sounds like he already is mentally abusing you. if he wont go to counseling then you go anyway. marital counseling as well.
 
Today it’s a headcovering, but what will it be tomorrow?

The veil is just a tangible thing the husband is holding over his wife’s head (NO pun intended). So she decides for the sake of harmony to wear one at Mass. Well, from what she’s posted thus far about her husband, he will take to finding a new reason to get upset and demand she prove his “headship”. Be it what the children use for homeschooling, what she cooks for dinner, how she mops the floor…you name it, he’ll find a way to belittle her and demand she do it his way.

Eva, others have suggested you print off you original post and take it the priest. I agree, but I think it should be the FSSP priest at the parish your husband has been attending. This priest needs to be aware of the dysfunctional dynamics going on in your marriage and family. I say the FSSP because he will have more influence over your husband than any priest at an OF parish, given what you’ve shared about your husband’s mental and spiritual disorders. This is something you need to do- not just for the sake of your marriage, but for that of your children. Your daughters will be learning to be a doormat and your boys will be learning a disordered way of following St Paul’s thoughts in Ephesians if you do not address this situation with someone who your husband will listen to…the FSSP priest. Call and make an appt with Fr and let him know you have some very serious concerns that need his assistance and guidance. You and your family will be in my prayers.
 
Rosebud77 said:
Reminds me of the saying Don’t sweat the small stuff. The more fuss you make on this bit of cloth the more angry he is going to be and he is polarised already.

Sure he needs help but YOU need to be safe. Difference between being a doormat and conceding small stuff to stay safe
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Forcing her to leave her longtime parish, while asserting his “authority” in a way never intended by Christ or His Church is hardly “small stuff”.

From her description, he has mental and emotional issues which need to be addressed ASAP.
 
Eva - has your husband talked with the FSSP priest about all of this? I can’t imagine any of them supporting your husband’s views. If he says they do, you might want to have a talk with the FSSP priest.

And I’m another who is concerned about your safety. Get some help - fast.
 
My husband and I also have 8 children. Your kids deserve better than a poor relationship with dad. It causes so much harm to kids, especially girls, to not have a living father in tge home. Daughters will either grow up to marry someone just like dad or they will seek out “love” in the wrong places as soon as they are able. Sons often treat women the same way mom was treated by dad, or they become so anxious and withdrawn that they marry women who treat them like dad treated mom. The veil is the least of your concerns.

Veiling is not a sign of submission to our husbands, it is a sign of submission to the will of God. Get help for yourself and your kids because you can not MAKE your husband get help. But if you and your children get help you may find ways to deal with the situation and might even be able to convince your husband to get help as well. You are a strong woman. There is no way I would have put up with my husband pulling those things with me for a year, definately not for multiple years.

As a side note, I believe whole hearedly that the man should be the head of the family, but he earns that right by properly treating his wife and caring for his children. His wife should be viewed as an advisor/co-chair type of deal, not a doormat that all the dirt is wiped on. We are not maids or nannies or employees of any type. We are not models or objects to be used or displayed. And we certainly are not slaves or punching bags. We are the bearers of life and deserving of love, respect and affection. Without us, our husbands would have no household to be head of. You and your kids are in my prayers
 
I very much agree with the others. Get help. Your priest, the FSSP priest, and individual and family/marital counseling.

I may be reading between the lines and seeing something not there because I do not know you or your family, but it does sound like your husband is emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive or likely to be heading in that direction. Isolating you or attempting to isolate you from your support system is a big red flag.

The example he is setting for the children is not a good one. The children will think that how he behaves is how a husband and father is supposed to behave. They will also think how you respond to him is how a wife is supposed to behave. No wife or children should walk on eggshells.

Would you want your daughters future husbands to treat them and their children the way their father treats you and yours? Would you want your sons to treat their future wives and children the way their father treats you and your children? If you aren’t concerned enough to get help for yourself at least do it for the children.

Were it me in that situation I would slat out tell my husband (and mean it) that myself and the children are going to continue to attend our current parish and that he must seek psychological help or we will be separating until he does, but that’s just me.
 
Rosebud77 said:
Reminds me of the saying Don’t sweat the small stuff. The more fuss you make on this bit of cloth the more angry he is going to be and he is polarised already.

Sure he needs help but YOU need to be safe. Difference between being a doormat and conceding small stuff to stay safe
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do you really believe someone should kiss their spouses but so they’re not beat ?? :rolleyes:
 
Bonnie said:
Eva - has your husband talked with the FSSP priest about all of this? I can’t imagine any of them supporting your husband’s views.
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Oh, I can imagine it. Some FSSP priests are pretty “out there” and not much better than SSPX types. But I agree that it’s a good idea to at least start with the FSSP priest, who is likely the only priest the husband will listen to anyway.
 
Wackotrad said:
Oh, I can imagine it. Some FSSP priests are pretty “out there” and not much better than SSPX types. But I agree that it’s a good idea to at least start with the FSSP priest, who is likely the only priest the husband will listen to anyway.
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That’s very sad.

I second the notion everyone has put forth that he needs counseling, you need counseling and the two of you need couples’ counseling. This is bullying behavior while using God as an excuse. He wants to control you, not lead you. He wants to be your master, not have God be the master of both of you. He wants to dominate, not protect.

In short, he’s a power-hungry but also incredibly immature and self-doubting “man.” And by that I mean he’s not actually a man. Just a male human being treating others like dirt.
 
Has he always been like this? Is this a sudden change in behavior? I am concerned for his physical or mental health if this is new. There is a difference between a power struggle and the kind of behavior you are talking about. You need to stay connected to your friends and not let him isolate you. Marriage Counseling could help, but if I am understanding the situation, he would probably not go with you. Would he be willing to talk to a FSSP priest about this with you? If not take some time to talk to your pastor. He may be able to point you in the right direction.
 
I agree with what near everybody has said. Tell your priest, especially the FSSP one. This is not headship as understood by the Catholic Church.

Your husband is acting out of bounds. In the first case, the requirement to veil was implicitly abrogated by the 1983 Code of Canon Law. To claim otherwise is to show a lack of understanding of how the 1983 Code works. Furthermore, given that, your husband is acting contrary to the charge of the encyclical Castii Conubii by the Holy Father, Pius XI:

vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_31121930_casti-connubii_en.html
  1. This subjection, however, does not deny or take away the liberty which fully belongs to the woman both in view of her dignity as a human person, and in view of her most noble office as wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her obey her husband’s every request if not in harmony with right reason or with the dignity due to wife; nor, in fine, does it imply that the wife should be put on a level with those persons who in law are called minors, to whom it is not customary to allow free exercise of their rights on account of their lack of mature judgment, or of their ignorance of human affairs. But it forbids that exaggerated liberty which cares not for the good of the family; it forbids that in this body which is the family, the heart be separated from the head to the great detriment of the whole body and the proximate danger of ruin. For if the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.
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Your husband is attempting to treat you like a minor. He is acting against the teachings of the Holy Father and of the bishops on faith and morals.

Once again, talk to the FSSP priest. Also if you are able talk to the other priest too. If possible call the chancery and ask them to refer you to a marriage counselot they approve of.
 
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