Husband demanding that I wear a veil

[Eva_B]

I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to respond to my post. I will contact my priest and the FSSP priest for help. I have felt for some time that his behavior toward me was bordering on abuse, and after reading your responses it seems more clear to me. I’ve been trying to keep the peace for so long that I don’t even know what a healthy marriage would be like anymore. I just try to not anger him. It makes me so sad.

Peace to you all,
Eva

 

[Cojuanco]

It’s people like him who give traditionalists and Catholics a somewhat undeserved bad name. Especially when someone seems to put himself above the teachings of Holy Mother Church.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Eva, others have suggested you print off you original post and take it the priest. I agree, but I think it should be the FSSP priest at the parish your husband has been attending. This priest needs to be aware of the dysfunctional dynamics going on in your marriage and family. I say the FSSP because he will have more influence over your husband than any priest at an OF parish, given what you’ve shared about your husband’s mental and spiritual disorders. This is something you need to do- not just for the sake of your marriage, but for that of your children. … someone who your husband will listen to…the FSSP priest.

This. Please go and see the FSSP priest about your husband, and your parish priest for your own sake and support since you know him well.

I have attended an FSSP parish for several years and I can tell you that your husband’s views are not the norm. Actually, I have never heard such crazy stuff be promoted as ‘authentic Catholicism’.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to respond to my post. I will contact my priest and the FSSP priest for help. I have felt for some time that his behavior toward me was bordering on abuse, and after reading your responses it seems more clear to me. I’ve been trying to keep the peace for so long that I don’t even know what a healthy marriage would be like anymore. I just try to not anger him. It makes me so sad.

Peace to you all,
Eva

I’d also be concerned that he may have organic issues going on with his brain, physical and psychological issues that manifest themselves in his moods, his view on the world, and his ability to conduct himself with the gentleness that his desire for virtue would otherwise be likely to have produced in him. After all, it is fair to ask why his ardor for the sacraments hasn’t had the effect. Sometimes a person can have a problem that, treated with what is otherwise a healthy regimen, is not made better and perhaps even made worse.

If so, that physical or emotional problem, left untreated, will put more obstacles into his life than are necessary. If so, it is not only him that is suffering, but the whole family. I agree, however, that the combination of his view of authority and his other issues probably mean he won’t believe he has a duty to seek treatment for his wife and family’s sake unless he hears it from a priest. If a priest tells him that certain physical treatments might make him more pliable to grace, perhaps he will get some help that will help the whole family, and his own spiritual advancement, as well.

 

[fpt]

Hello all,

I am looking for any advice/support anyone has to offer. My husband has recently begun going to a FSSP parish in our area (after he attended the parish the rest of our family has attended for 13 years, attending 3 other Latin Mass parishes, and attending the local SSPX chapel…). I told him I would go with him sometimes, but he tells me that he would be embarrassed to be sitting next to me unless I veiled my head - every woman/girl covers her head, according to him. He says the rule was never abrogated in the 1983 code of canon law, and that from now on if he (ever) attends our home parish with me, he would be embarrassed to have me not in a veil as well. The parish our family attends is very solid - even my husband will admit that it’s the best the “novus ordo” could be celebrated (even though he says the graces in the Mass can’t compare to the graces in the Latin mass).

Now I know all about “wives be submissive to their husbands” - I’ve heard that passage recited to me hundreds of times over the course of our marriage. If you met me, you would laugh to think that I’m anything but a good, loving wife. I dress very modestly, homeschool our children, support my husband in his many business ventures (successful or not), am patient with all of his sufferings (unemployment, physical pain, mental illness, etc.), and speak well of him to others. He tells me that I must follow him to this new parish of his, leave our home parish with our 8 kids (including boys who love to be altar servers), put on my veil, and OBEY. He tells me that loving me as Christ loved the church is what he is doing - he loves me enough to force me to leave the parish, my friends, my family, wear a veil… It’s very difficult for him to love me this much when I’m such a disobedient wife, but it’s his cross. Sigh.

He suffers from severe anxiety & depression. His rage is out of control. The kids & I are walking on eggshells. and I don’t know what to do. Should I just put on the veil, follow him, bring our kids (who don’t want to be there), and be that submissive, holy wife? We have attended the local Latin mass parishes with him (except for the SSPX one - I drew the line there) in the past, and our kids were sad, to say the least. The older ones were willing to go twice just to be able to be at our home parish each weekend. This whole situation isn’t helping their faith or their (fragile at best) relationship with their father.

I don’t anticipate that I can receive any advice that changes anything, but I just needed to share my situation. Thank you for that. Please pray for our family.

I will be direct:

Who is he for demanding the fact of wearing a veil during the mass? Is he your chief, your boss? Is he your dictator, your tyran??? What is his legitimity for demanding that?

Why is he embarrased to be sitting next to you during mass, unless you wear a veil on your own head? What are his deep own reasons?

It is wrong to say that the rule was never abrogated in the 1983 code of canon law. The veil for women during mass is not a canonical obligation, is not a natural obligation, is not a moral obligation. He is very wrong to think, to say, to promote, to impose and to demand that. His intellectual approach is not good.

The fact of saying that " the graces in the Mass can’t compare to the graces in the Latin mass" is wierd, is an issue. Why this thought??? Where does this idea come from?: coming from his spiritual director, from his confessor??? What type of mentalities, do they have??? Are they normal??? His view is not catholic.

The problem is that the veil represents a whole lot more to him than “small stuff”.

The fact of saying that the veil is a sign of wifely submission is wrong, is weird : it is very machist, is linked to the doctrine of war of genders.

The fact of saying " the husband says, the wife has to obey, thus you must obey", is not in link with catholic doctrine. Your husband is wrong.

Conclusion:

**Your husband is touched, probably, by some scrupulous habits, some scrupulous practices, some scrupulous doctrines. He has the moral obligation of struggling against this spiritual/religious/psychic/mental/social/cultural/philosophical/theological/moral disease.The scrupulism is very sad, is dangerous and is an enormous pathology. It is a great problematic!!! He has to be helped by catholic priests, by catholic deacons, by catholic ethicists, by catholic moralists, by catholic psychologists, by catholic mental doctors. **

His speech is sad and is not catholic.

Is he on the sinful way???

Is he a follower of SSPX??? If yes, it is a moral issue. It is the great questions!!!

His thinking is on the way of a catholic chariarisation of the natural moral law and of the canonical law.

You need to be careful, be prudent, not be naive, be strong, helped by truly catholic priests.

For information:
Advice Please - Wife Going Overboard
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=777655

 

[Joe_5859]

Again, I’m not sure how helpful this info is in light of the fact that it seems more is going on with your husband than simply a preference for veils, but I noticed on the Catholic Answers main page, they have an article about head coverings at Mass:

What Happened to Headcoverings at Mass?

He gives some good links, too, including one to a document from the Vatican Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith that refers to head coverings as “scarcely more than disciplinary practices of minor importance” and further that “such requirements no longer have a normative value.”

If that doesn’t make it clear that head coverings are no longer mandated, I don’t know what will.

 

[Rosebud77]

Forcing her to leave her longtime parish, while asserting his “authority” in a way never intended by Christ or His Church is hardly “small stuff”.

From her description, he has mental and emotional issues which need to be addressed ASAP.

I totally agree BUT this will lead to a confrontation that will provoke more and more. Depends how much confrontation she is willing to face on this issue that is small in reality.

And on how hard it will be to get this person to get advice; I would say that he will not be willing to do so and that making such a stand over a veil will simply exacerbate the situation.

It is possible to seem to give in physically and yet stay free spiritually. And stay safe physically. Which matters for the children,

To your last sentence, how do you propose this be done… leading a horse to water is one thing, getting him to drink is another entirely

It will become dangerous and impossible to remain in this situation and I would advise ensuring she has a refuge to flee to when and if things get too dangerous.

This is what I mean by small stuff; is this worth forcing a huge confrontation over IF she intends to stay with him… which I would not do by the way. Maybe leaving him is the one thing that would shock him into some sense

 

[Rosebud77]

Again, I’m not sure how helpful this info is in light of the fact that it seems more is going on with your husband than simply a preference for veils, but I noticed on the Catholic Answers main page, they have an article about head coverings at Mass:

What Happened to Headcoverings at Mass?

He gives some good links, too, including one to a document from the Vatican Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith that refers to head coverings as “scarcely more than disciplinary practices of minor importance” and further that “such requirements no longer have a normative value.”

If that doesn’t make it clear that head coverings are no longer mandated, I don’t know what will.

Sadly this is not about head coverings but about total control etc so none of this would have any impact or maybe in a negative way.

 

[Rosebud77]

The problem is that the veil represents a whole lot more to him than “small stuff”. He says the veil is a sign of wifely submission. It’s not personal devotion. Even if the church tells me I don’t have to wear a veil, if my husband says I have to, then I must obey.

I get it totally. Believe me on that. But reread what I wrote re staying safe and avoiding massive confrontation.

He is a control freak and either you confront him which may get dangerous fro you or go along with him on this… That is what I mean by small stuff.

Reminds me of the old tests of obedience for novices; being asked to plant cabbages upside down. ie unreasonable … Me I would go along with that, with my hands but know how silly it is,also that later we would be asked to replant them as else wicked waste. you can do these things tongue in cheek.

You can comply physically without committing spiritually … so that this does become small stuff, just a bit of cloth TO YOU

The more you argue and object the worse he is going to get

Do it but make sure he understands that.

Up to you of course; I would leave the man simply!

 

[MJJean]

I totally agree BUT this will lead to a confrontation that will provoke more and more. Depends how much confrontation she is willing to face on this issue that is small in reality.

The problem is that, in addition to the veil, he wants the OP to leave her parish where she and the children are known and have friends. He is trying to isolate her and the children from their support network. If she gives in and allows this isolation she will be cutting herself off from assistance should she need to leave for safety. Allowing oneself to be dominated, controlled, and then isolated from people who would be willing to help is NOT “small stuff”.

 

[severus68]

The problem is that, in addition to the veil, he wants the OP to leave her parish where she and the children are known and have friends. He is trying to isolate her and the children from their support network. If she gives in and allows this isolation she will be cutting herself off from assistance should she need to leave for safety. Allowing oneself to be dominated, controlled, and then isolated from people who would be willing to help is NOT “small stuff”.

You are absolutely right.