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Rascalking
Guest
LOL! Well, speaking of that particular beauty choice, I think itâs sort of alluring!I take it your not a fan of women with underarm hair to the floor either?
Actually, itâs repulsive!!!
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Actually, itâs repulsive!!!
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phil8888
Guest
yeh it sounds like she didnât shave her legs so then she was like ok Iâll shave my legs but ONLY if you shave your face every day. like tit for tat. and about the hairy legs, they arenât hairy on the back, so maybe go with that.Real men have beards.
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cmscms
Guest
Just to give you some food for though, (and I am a woman so I canât speak for men). When a man refuses to be affectionate it could be because it is the only way he can feel some control in the relationship. And if he is refusing sex, it could be because deep down he knows it hurts you and that is more than enough motivation to keep him refusing.
I know you are sick of always being the one to make the effort when he doesnât. If he were on this website he would probably post âand I am sick of all her guilt trips and her attitude. I simply asked her to shave her legs and now I have to do something in returnâ. Trust me, he is probably just as sick of this as you are.
Was asking him to shave his face the only time you said âI will do something for you if you do something for me?â A lot of men donât like when a woman keeps score.
He goes for drinks with his buddies. Do you have any ativities you do without him? You could have a good time and he wouldnât feel like your only source of entertainment.
I have no doubt you are at your wits end. I hope things work out for you
CM
I know you are sick of always being the one to make the effort when he doesnât. If he were on this website he would probably post âand I am sick of all her guilt trips and her attitude. I simply asked her to shave her legs and now I have to do something in returnâ. Trust me, he is probably just as sick of this as you are.
Was asking him to shave his face the only time you said âI will do something for you if you do something for me?â A lot of men donât like when a woman keeps score.
He goes for drinks with his buddies. Do you have any ativities you do without him? You could have a good time and he wouldnât feel like your only source of entertainment.
I have no doubt you are at your wits end. I hope things work out for you
CM
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JBCatholicRN
Guest
Friends can cause a lot of problems in marriages. My wife and I dont run around with anyone unless we are together. Too many problems arise when couples start doing things apart.
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Rascalking
Guest
But donât they need their own lives/hobbies? I ask this just as a question, and as a single 30 year old guy.
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JBCatholicRN
Guest
You become one flesh, not two. Your life isnt your own anymore, your sharing it with somebody else which is why IMHO you shouldnt do things apart. My wife and I have grown so much together, we dont like being apart from each other. I dont like going to the grocery without her, it doesnt feel right. She is a part of me, its like going without my arm or leg.
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BrokenFortress
Guest
And I find guy armpit hair revolting. But I donât ask my fiance to shave it off. Although he said I would if it really bothered me. But I donât require it. Thereâs a difference. Doing something out of love is different than requiring it.For the record, I donât even like to look at a galâs legs if theyâre not shaved! Gross!
Canât fault a brother for that one!
For what itâs worth (and I know Iâm derailing the thread) I think if guys donât like girl leg hair, then they should shave themselves. Whatâs with the double standard? I mean really, itâs just hairâŚ
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Rascalking
Guest
You and your wife are very lucky to have a marriage like that.
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flyingfish
Guest
Is he willing to go to counselling?
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Rascalking
Guest
Hey, I agree with you-if you find it that revolting, he should shave it off. There you go. You shave, he shaves-thatâs your own choice.
For me, Iâll stick to the gals that donât do the ânaturalâ look.
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JBCatholicRN
Guest
Gotta love them natural women, just the way God made em.
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iumaddog627
Guest
This was not intended to be a thread about people shaving their various parts!! I feel like you guys are reducing the anguish that I feel to a silly little game. You take one point that I put up there and thatâs it. And, just for the record, the shaved legs and face thing is something that we both agreed upon early on. So, itâs not like this is a ânew rule.â
cmscms, thank you for your response. Yes, I do sometimes have happy hour with my coworkers and have a girlsâ lunch with a friend every other Friday, but I always make sure that if itâs a green day, I come home on time because I know we donât get that many chances. The couple times he has chosen to go out for a drink, he called first, I reminded him that it was a green day and that we may not have many, but he still chose his friends over me.
I think you might have a point. He might be purposely trying to hurt me. But, he insists that heâs not conspiring to not have sex. Like I said in my original post, I have been pretty horrible to him from time to time. I know I take things out on him that I shouldnât when Iâm really depressed. But, when I try to show him love (in a way that most guys would relish), he rejects me.
cmscms, thank you for your response. Yes, I do sometimes have happy hour with my coworkers and have a girlsâ lunch with a friend every other Friday, but I always make sure that if itâs a green day, I come home on time because I know we donât get that many chances. The couple times he has chosen to go out for a drink, he called first, I reminded him that it was a green day and that we may not have many, but he still chose his friends over me.
I think you might have a point. He might be purposely trying to hurt me. But, he insists that heâs not conspiring to not have sex. Like I said in my original post, I have been pretty horrible to him from time to time. I know I take things out on him that I shouldnât when Iâm really depressed. But, when I try to show him love (in a way that most guys would relish), he rejects me.
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Rascalking
Guest
Iâm sorry, it wasnât my intention to upset you. Sometimes these threads can go off a bit here or there, and some of us try to add some humor to some serious subjects. I apologize to you,
Again, it wasnât my intention to trivialize your thread-Iâm sorry.
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bnbkaine
Guest
Have you considered that he might not be that interested in sex? You said there were only a couple times that you had sex before your marriage and he hasnât ever been that affectionate. He just might not be that inclined and the more you push, regardless of the intention behind it, the more he could be wondering what is wrong him not wanting to have sex. But you donât get married to have sex and if you are reducing your marriage to this act, then you are missing the whole point.
I think people pick up on the lighter tones because this is a very difficult situation and we donât know you or your husband, so we canât say it is A, B or C. When there is joking, I am sure there was no offense intended.
My advice is to leave it alone for a little while. Talking is great and I am usually the first one to say that spouses need to talk about everything right away. But perhaps this situation calls for a little less focus at this time. When you can become friends again, and the pressure is off, then try again.
I think people pick up on the lighter tones because this is a very difficult situation and we donât know you or your husband, so we canât say it is A, B or C. When there is joking, I am sure there was no offense intended.
My advice is to leave it alone for a little while. Talking is great and I am usually the first one to say that spouses need to talk about everything right away. But perhaps this situation calls for a little less focus at this time. When you can become friends again, and the pressure is off, then try again.
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Joseph629
Guest
Hi phil8888, I agree. I never suggested this man was viewing porn. I was simply giving the OP some technical computer knowledge (and anyone else here) about how looking at the internet history doesnât and canât necessarily prove anything about whatâs been viewed. In fact, when I was doing a lot of research about my cancer, I used the âIn Privateâ viewing so that my kids coulndât accidently see the âhistoryâ of my online cancer research.
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purplesunshine
Guest
I think this got lost in the mix but seriously look at LOVE languages. Just because YOU think that what youâre doing is loving dosnât mean he does.
- Physical touch
- Presents/Gifts
- Spending Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of service (doing dishes, etc)
Iâd probably put cuddling with a someone as my TOP way that I receive love. (a parent and I look forward to doing so with my future spouse) I show love, though by acts of serviceâŚcleaning up something extra, cooking a meal.
Until I learned about love languages I didnât understand my mom. I didnât much care about the trinkets she gave me and I got upset when she wanted to spend time together but insisted we sit on separate sofas.
One of my brothers needs words of affirmation, which can be tough because this is not a language any of the rest of the family is particularly strong in. And at 27 he still fights with my parents alotâŚwe used to be dead enemies for YEARS. But when I started giving words of affirmation he opened up. Weâre incredibly close now. And I also became more open to recieving love from him. When he was closed and being annoying I completely refused to hug him (which is my strong love language) I also refused to do things like vaccum his room even if it was part of household chores. So, in turn, he just got harder and harder against me. But when I saw his love language, that he DESPERATELY needed affirmation and started to give him some our relationship changed and after all our adult years of endless verbal catfights we became buddies in less than 6 months.
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Elizabeth_D
Guest
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. DO NOT take issue with his unshaven face, love him exactly as he is. It is worth mentioning that there are certain places where you should not shave even though porn culture might lead some men to want or even insist on that, needless to say porn culture is not a model of conjugal chastity. As for dress, be beautiful, be modest too.
Marriage is the sacriment of Matrimony, of becoming a mother. The spouses becoming one flesh is not about mutual gratification and pleasure, but is oriented toward becoming a parent, and this is essential to chaste marriage. Though, participating (together with God who creates the soul of the new person) in generating new life is SUPPOSED to be pleasurable, joyful! You and your husband should be talking about your hopes, plans and even fears about becoming parents, your plans for how you will parent together and educate the kids, etc. Your fertility is a positive healthy thing and NFP is not a way to avoid your fertility like the plague, it is a way to space your pregnancies in a way that makes sense, like someone else said.
Be friends. Be servants of one another. Be a help to one another. Be a gift to one another. Look forward to being fruitful together, by becoming parents above all, but also all the fruitfulness of your marriage and the love there is between you. Love as God loves⌠The Father and the Son love each other so much, so totally, that the love there is between them, their mutual self-gift, is a separate person, the Holy Spirit. Married people are called to be an earthly image of the divine Love, to participate in that love in some way. To live your love well and truly chastely before marriage is a great, great help and gift and a great foundation for a truly chaste, faithful and loving marriage. Using NFP you are definitely on the right track trying to do what is right within marriage. I would be way more worried about your marriage if you were using artificial birth control because NFP users have really low divorce rates.
Another thought⌠do you pray every day (silently)? And do you and hour husband pray together regularly? That is so valuable. Do you pray together before making love? Sound strange?! The Catholic Truth Society in the UK has a neat âPrayer Book for Spousesâ that includes such a prayer: cts-online.org.uk/acatalog/info_D714.html
Hereâs the prayer:
âFather, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.
âOpen our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in our true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever.
âMary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen.â
Good hopes and prayers for you!
Marriage is the sacriment of Matrimony, of becoming a mother. The spouses becoming one flesh is not about mutual gratification and pleasure, but is oriented toward becoming a parent, and this is essential to chaste marriage. Though, participating (together with God who creates the soul of the new person) in generating new life is SUPPOSED to be pleasurable, joyful! You and your husband should be talking about your hopes, plans and even fears about becoming parents, your plans for how you will parent together and educate the kids, etc. Your fertility is a positive healthy thing and NFP is not a way to avoid your fertility like the plague, it is a way to space your pregnancies in a way that makes sense, like someone else said.
Be friends. Be servants of one another. Be a help to one another. Be a gift to one another. Look forward to being fruitful together, by becoming parents above all, but also all the fruitfulness of your marriage and the love there is between you. Love as God loves⌠The Father and the Son love each other so much, so totally, that the love there is between them, their mutual self-gift, is a separate person, the Holy Spirit. Married people are called to be an earthly image of the divine Love, to participate in that love in some way. To live your love well and truly chastely before marriage is a great, great help and gift and a great foundation for a truly chaste, faithful and loving marriage. Using NFP you are definitely on the right track trying to do what is right within marriage. I would be way more worried about your marriage if you were using artificial birth control because NFP users have really low divorce rates.
Another thought⌠do you pray every day (silently)? And do you and hour husband pray together regularly? That is so valuable. Do you pray together before making love? Sound strange?! The Catholic Truth Society in the UK has a neat âPrayer Book for Spousesâ that includes such a prayer: cts-online.org.uk/acatalog/info_D714.html
Hereâs the prayer:
âFather, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts. Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.
âOpen our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in our true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever.
âMary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen.â
Good hopes and prayers for you!
P
phil8888
Guest
I think people in our modern day start to really obsess about sex and they compare themselves to the âJonesâsâ. Almost as second nature, people rhyme off how many times a week, month, or year they have sex, like weâre comparing statistics. Maybe if people werenât so anxious about having a ânormalâ sex life, they could relax and just love each other. Not to mention the fact that most of these stats are exaggerated anyway.
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Cat
Guest
I disagree with this.
My husband and I are 52 and weâve been married for 31 years this summer. We are very much in love.
A husband and a wife do not need to do everything together.
Itâs perfectly OK for a husband and wife to have friends and to spend time with those friends.
Just because a husband and wife are one flesh doesnât mean they are Siamese twins.
My husband is an ice dancer, and he has a very beautiful ice dancing partner. They spend a lot of time together. Thatâs just fine with me. I love watching them ice dance.
I write novels and spend a lot of time sitting at a computer living in a fantasy world. Thatâs just fine with my husband. He loves reading my novels.
A good marriage is one in which there is a balance. A husband and wife need to spend a lot of time together doing things that they both enjoy, or just sitting together and chatting or being quiet together. But a husband and a wife also need to encourage each other to grow as individuals and develop their own interests.
As for the OP, I think that this couple needs desperately to get into marriage counseling. Itâs difficult to say exactly whatâs going on. Weâre only hearing one side of the story here, and I hesitate to make any suggestions other than to say get help.
The shaving thing is just weird. Intimacy involves accepting each other as you are, and that includes the animal aspects of being human (hair, scents, noises, etc.).
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