Husband does not want intimacy at all!

[simple_soul]

*Dear iumaddog,

I recently read the story of the life of St. Gianna Molla and was so moved by it that I wanted to share a few of her words with you. I took these words of hers from one of her letters to her soon-to-be husband, Pietro Molla.

“My Dearest Pietro, How can I thank you for such a magnificent ring? Dear Pietro, to reciprocate, I give you my heart, and I will always love you as I love you now.”
………and….“Pietro dearest, you know that it is my wish to see and know you are happy. Tell me how I should be and what I should do to make you happy.”
………and………“ I ask you a favor from today on, Pietro. If you see that I do something that is not right, tell me, correct me. Do you understand? I will always be thankful.”

I think St Gianna has it right.

I know for me giving my heart to my husband is letting me form my heart to his so that his desires become mine this then helps me to ensure that I know and see what it is that will make him happy. It unsettles me if for some reason I sense he is not content with something. Whether it is because I did not get the house tidied up before he came home from work. Or if he does not like the top I am wearing or the way I wear my hair. Shaved or not.

The question I have is why not just oblige him and shave your legs because you know it pleases him?

 

[Mayita30]

You become one flesh, not two. Your life isnt your own anymore, your sharing it with somebody else which is why IMHO you shouldnt do things apart. My wife and I have grown so much together, we dont like being apart from each other. I dont like going to the grocery without her, it doesnt feel right. She is a part of me, its like going without my arm or leg.

How sweet!!!

 

[Oneofthewomen]

I think this got lost in the mix but seriously look at LOVE languages. Just because YOU think that what you’re doing is loving dosn’t mean he does.

1. Physical touch
2. Presents/Gifts
3. Spending Time
4. Words of Affirmation
5. Acts of service (doing dishes, etc)

For instance. My mom gives love by giving gifts. My mom receives love by spending time…though she doesn’t like cuddling together to watch a movie. (At one point I declared that every normal mom liked to snuggle and watch a movie with her daughter…when I read your comment about “any man would” this is why I write this)

I’d probably put cuddling with a someone as my TOP way that I receive love. (a parent and I look forward to doing so with my future spouse) I show love, though by acts of service…cleaning up something extra, cooking a meal.

Until I learned about love languages I didn’t understand my mom. I didn’t much care about the trinkets she gave me and I got upset when she wanted to spend time together but insisted we sit on separate sofas.

One of my brothers needs words of affirmation, which can be tough because this is not a language any of the rest of the family is particularly strong in. And at 27 he still fights with my parents alot…we used to be dead enemies for YEARS. But when I started giving words of affirmation he opened up. We’re incredibly close now. And I also became more open to recieving love from him. When he was closed and being annoying I completely refused to hug him (which is my strong love language) I also refused to do things like vaccum his room even if it was part of household chores. So, in turn, he just got harder and harder against me. But when I saw his love language, that he DESPERATELY needed affirmation and started to give him some our relationship changed and after all our adult years of endless verbal catfights we became buddies in less than 6 months.

The name of the book Purplesunshine is talking about is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is an awesome book and really helped me to understand how to be more loving and understanding to my own husband.
I also highly recommend Chapmans book "Anger: Handling A Powerful Emotion In A Healthy Way".
Both of these books were recommended by a Priest who I was working with when I was thinking about leaving my husband a couple of years ago. Fortunately, with a lot of prayer, soul-searching and communication, we made it through and will celebrate our 19th anniversay later this summer!

Good luck and God bless!

You will be in my prayers!

 

[simple_soul]

The name of the book Purplesunshine is talking about is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is an awesome book and really helped me to understand how to be more loving and understanding to my own husband.
I also highly recommend Chapmans book "Anger: Handling A Powerful Emotion In A Healthy Way".
Both of these books were recommended by a Priest who I was working with when I was thinking about leaving my husband a couple of years ago. Fortunately, with a lot of prayer, soul-searching and communication, we made it through and will celebrate our 19th anniversay later this summer!

Good luck and God bless!

You will be in my prayers!

*First congratulations! 19 years, we will be celebrating our 11th later this summer too, and yes I truly do believe a lot of prayer and soul searching has been the key.

I also found the book “The Five Love Languages” to be helpful. Another book that I found helpful is “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

 

[purplesunshine]

The name of the book Purplesunshine is talking about is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is an awesome book and really helped me to understand how to be more loving and understanding to my own husband.
I also highly recommend Chapmans book "Anger: Handling A Powerful Emotion In A Healthy Way".
Both of these books were recommended by a Priest who I was working with when I was thinking about leaving my husband a couple of years ago. Fortunately, with a lot of prayer, soul-searching and communication, we made it through and will celebrate our 19th anniversay later this summer!

Good luck and God bless!

You will be in my prayers!

That’s the current book popularized by a protestant preacher. But love languages are actually a school of though that Saints wrote about I believe St. Thomas was the first. So if you want to scratch the surface, look at Chapman’s book…if you want to dig deeper find the saint.

 

[kristacecilia]

What the OP is describing sounds a lot like what I remember experiencing in my own first year or two of marriage.

I had this whole idea of what marriage should be like- and I fully expected my husband to understand this and act the way I thought he should. He had a whole different set of expectations and thoughts about marriage and how I should be acting. We were so far off from each other- despite having a great courtship, engagement, and premarital counselling. The fact was, we had never been married and it was completely different from dating or being engaged.

After we got married we were suddenly faced with each other in our all wonderfulness and all our faults- 24/7. Things that we didn’t realize bothered us before about the other person- since we had only had them in small doses up until this point- suddenly became glaring faults that seemed impossible to live with.

So first we were just slightly annoyed with each other, then we were really annoyed, and then we became resentful. We tried not to fight about it because we didn’t want to ‘ruin’ the first year of our marriage. We were trying to figure out how a marriage worked, what was the appropriate way to deal with issues, how to address things that bothered us without offending the other person, etc.

Frankly, our first two years of marriage were no fun. We suffered through it, though, and now we have a great marriage- I think, anyway!

So here is my marriage advice:

1. Pick your battles. Really, really think about what hills you want to die on. I ask myself that probably 100 times a day regarding my husband and children: “Is this the hill I want to die on?” Is this worth fighting over? If it is, by all means, get to it. Some things really do need to be addressed and are worth a fight (and by a fight I mean it’s like a good massage- so painful to work through, but so worth it at the end).
2. If it is NOT a hill worth dying on: Let it go. For real. Move on with your life and get over whatever perceived offense you just recieved. Even if it was obviously a real offense.
3. Always assume the other person’s intentions are good. Don’t assume that everything is about you. Probably most offenses are just a lack of thoughtfulness by the other person, not because they are actually angry at you or not attracted to you.
4. Don’t take everything so seriously!!! This is the thing that my husband and I really had to ‘get’. Yes, he does 5 million things a day that annoy me (and visa versa). Yes, some of them are worth mentioning to each other. We both have a good sense of humor, and we had to learn how to make it work for us. Now we both feel comfortable mentioning a perceived hurt to the other because we know things aren’t going to move to the full blown fight stage (at least not usually). Usually this is how it works:

Me: “Did you get the eggs I asked you to pick up on your way home from work?”
DH: “Ugh… no, I forgot!”
Me (with a smile): “How could you forget? I called you right as you were leaving work!”
DH (getting annoyed): “I’m sorry!! UGH!!!”
Me (playfully): “Well… you should be!”

…and then I will make a silly angry face, and then he will make one back and then we both get over it.

So I addressed the issue, we both saw it was being taken way too seriously and we used humor to diffuse the rising emotional temperature. We do this EVERYDAY. It’s our #1 tool right now. The only thing is that both parties have to be open to the humor and to moving on. It also works best if the person who brought up the problem does the diffusing (that way the person bringing up the problem doesn’t feel like they aren’t being taken seriously if they are expecting to be taken seriously).

1. The only person whose behavior you can control is you. (This is the one I have to work on the most). You can’t make him get over things. You can’t make him assume your intentions are good. You can’t make *him *pick his battles. You can’t make him lighten up. But you can do those things for yourself, and usually when one spouse sees that the other is working hard to keep the peace and act lovingly the other person responds in kind.

So, maybe you need to decide right now if him having a shaved face is a hill you want to die on. Whether or not it’s FAIR to make him shave for you if he insists you shave for him is another topic. This is marriage- we’re not talking about ‘fair’ or ‘equal’ here. We are talking about marriage.

Marriage means I am going to give you 100% of my self- my best self. Not, “Only if you are doing it first, or only if you are doing it, too.” Just that I am going to do it. Because it’s the right thing to do and because I love you even if you aren’t acting lovingly. For better or for worse.

Okay, I think that’s enough from me. HTH!

 

[FrenchGwen]

What the OP is describing sounds a lot like what I remember experiencing in my own first year or two of marriage.

I had this whole idea of what marriage should be like- and I fully expected my husband to understand this and act the way I thought he should. He had a whole different set of expectations and thoughts about marriage and how I should be acting. We were so far off from each other- despite having a great courtship, engagement, and premarital counselling. The fact was, we had never been married and it was completely different from dating or being engaged.

After we got married we were suddenly faced with each other in our all wonderfulness and all our faults- 24/7. Things that we didn’t realize bothered us before about the other person- since we had only had them in small doses up until this point- suddenly became glaring faults that seemed impossible to live with.

So first we were just slightly annoyed with each other, then we were really annoyed, and then we became resentful. We tried not to fight about it because we didn’t want to ‘ruin’ the first year of our marriage. We were trying to figure out how a marriage worked, what was the appropriate way to deal with issues, how to address things that bothered us without offending the other person, etc.

Frankly, our first two years of marriage were no fun. We suffered through it, though, and now we have a great marriage- I think, anyway!

I SO second this post.
My experience was very similar, and there are many things I’d like to answer to your concerns, OP.
Unfortunately I’m quite in a hurry today, so I will have to wait before I can write longer, but keep this post in mind, and maybe research some of the posts I posted recently, many dealed with similar issues because the ONE BIG thing I learnt from our first year of marriage is that : a first year of marriage is HARD, and the newlyweds don’t expect it. So they NEED to hear it from others. Thus I do my best to “warn”. because once you understand your problems are normal, you can begin working on them serenely.
I’ll be back !

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Sounds like a country song.

If you make “taking care of you” into a chore that he has to get done, and then nag him when he doesn’t do it he is going to look for every excuse he can for getting out of it.

 

[Sierrah]

I’m not married so you can take this however you want:

It sounds to me like you’re still trying to control things and maybe that’s a big turn off for him. Maybe that’s what’s causing all the problems. I would let things alone and stop focusing on the sex thing. Maybe do something totally selfless for him…just because…something where you are demanding nothing in return but just do it to show your love for him. I think he sees that you’re determined on the sex thing and it makes him want to fight back by drawing away as a means of taking control from you. Just my 2 cents.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Hi there

I wondered about your statement that you can be awful to him sometimes. I wonder if he is really holding on to these things you have said or done, and that’s why he doesn’t want to be intimate.

My BFF has the same situation, but flip-flopped – her DH says insensitive things all the time, and then wonders why she is not interested in sex. So that was the first thing I thought of when I read your post.

I think you should try to get him to therapy with you, and maybe he’ll open up and you can find out what’s really going on in his head.

Good luck, I hope it gets better for you.

 

[simple_soul]

I’m not married so you can take this however you want:

It sounds to me like you’re still trying to control things and maybe that’s a big turn off for him. Maybe that’s what’s causing all the problems. I would let things alone and stop focusing on the sex thing. **Maybe do something totally selfless for him…just because…something where you are demanding nothing in return but just do it to show your love for him. ** I think he sees that you’re determined on the sex thing and it makes him want to fight back by drawing away as a means of taking control from you. Just my 2 cents.

*I am married and I find this insight to be very good for pondering and praying about.
I really do believe at times we tend to get too focused on how we want to be treated by our spouse verses how we should be treating our spouse.

 

[simple_soul]

Marriage means I am going to give you 100% of my self- my best self. Not, “Only if you are doing it first, or only if you are doing it, too.” Just that I am going to do it. Because it’s the right thing to do and because I love you even if you aren’t acting lovingly. For better or for worse.

*Dear kristacecilia,

I agree with what you say here 100%.
But, I am curious about the rest of your post. Manly because I have never understood why or maybe it is because I do not understand the point of it correctly. But why do we even have to pick and choose any kind of battles? Why and what is the point of having to battle at all?

 

[kristacecilia]

Dear kristacecilia,

*I agree with what you say here 100%. *
But, I am curious about the rest of your post. Manly because I have never understood why or maybe it is because I do not understand the point of it correctly. But why do we even have to pick and choose any kind of battles? Why and what is the point of having to battle at all?

Because we are only human and eventually we are going to offend people, intentionally or not. And people are going to offend and upset us, intentionally or not. And sometimes people need to know that what they did was NOT OKAY.

We’re not doormats, we all have boundries that need to be respected. Choosing the ones that NEED to be respected is picking your boundries.

For example, what if a spouse went too far and disciplined a child in a way that the other spouse was DEFINITELY not comfortable with?

What if one spouse decided that they wanted to do something big- like make a large purchase, move to a different bedroom alone, or stop attending Mass?

Those are BIG things. To me, those are things that need to be addressed… my husband could offend me in small ways a thousand times a day and I could decide each of those times that it’s not worth getting upset over, but if my husband came home and decided that he was going to stop attending Mass- that would be a hill worth dying on for me. That doesn’t mean there would be a fist fight. But there would be SOME type of fight- maybe even one that doesn’t even involved a raised voice.

I am sure you have boundries that NEED to be respected. Like not having your spouse cheat on you. Not having your spouse abuse you or your children. Not having your spouse live a dissolute life, spending all your money on booze and drugs and big screen TVs.

Right?

 

[ahollars]

OP… your “green” days are the problem.

I know this isn’t a popular idea, but I believe people (especially Catholics) who are not ready to have kids should not get married. If you already know you are going to wait for a family, then why rush to the altar? Marriage and parenthood are inseparable, and the more you delay, the more discouraging the burden will become.

A woman’s cycle becomes more regular with each child born. My wife and I have 5 children. I’m 31, she’s 32, and she’s complete clockwork to the point where we don’t even take her temperature anymore. I know when her period starts that she has 5 days, after which we have 3 “green” days, followed by 10 days of abstinence (and prayer), ending with 8-10 days of honeymoon, depending on when her next period begins. For 7 years, we have been able to use this pattern, and kids 3, 4, and 5 were all on purpose with success on the first try.

Your temperature is unreliable because your body, and perhaps your heart, is telling you that it’s time for the first child to arrive. You can’t start your factory and not produce anything without suffering some side effects, and those don’t have to be physical. Wives are meant to be mothers, and husbands are meant to be fathers. Only God can decide if something else would be better, but we are supposed to follow the directions that we have been given. Being open to life will solve half of your problems, whether you get pregnant or not, but the other half you will need to discuss with him.

If there is little or no reason why you can’t, lose the chart and put a bun in the oven. There will never be the “ideal time”. Even if you get pregnant, you still have 9 months to get everything in your life in order. That’s plenty of time. God bless.

BTW, the clean-shaven face thing, get over it and enjoy it before it turns grey.

 

[whatevergirl]

Phil -

Answers to your questions:

1. I am 29 & he is 31.
2. We dated/were engaged for 2 years before marriage.
3. We succumbed to temptation a couple times before marriage (nobody’s perfect), but were usually pretty good at stopping ourselves before it got to that point.

And, before you ask, he’s never been an overly affectionate person, ever. But, I have told him time and again that I crave it, but I always have to ask and then get grunts when I cuddle up next to him or hold his hand.

*Please accept this in the spirit it’s intended, which is to help you reflect…did you expect marriage to change him, then? I ask, because if he was ‘‘never’’ overly affectionate…what was marriage going to do to change that aspect? Nothing. Marriage doesn’t morph people into who we wish them to be…it can help people to mature. It can help people to grow together, and sacrifice. I think that what you’re going through is VERY fixable, but if he was always this way, before marriage, it’s unlikely he’ll morph into someone else, just because he’s married. You both married each other though, so there must be some common ground to meet upon. I’d try to find that common ground. He needs to meet you halfway, and you need to meet him. Sometimes, you might have to go the whole 100% distance, and sometimes he might.

That’s actually marriage. Congrats on your marriage by the way. *

 

[Phemie]

You become one flesh, not two. Your life isnt your own anymore, your sharing it with somebody else which is why IMHO you shouldnt do things apart. My wife and I have grown so much together, we dont like being apart from each other. I dont like going to the grocery without her, it doesnt feel right. She is a part of me, its like going without my arm or leg.

To be perfectly honest that would drive me crazy.

We’ve been together 37 years, married 34. There are things we do together (like geocaching and travelling and going out for coffee), but then he has choir & Scouts and I have the drama club and the arts council.

I’ll never enjoy anything scouting because I don’t particularly like other people’s kids but I’ll attend anything he’s in with the choir.

He’ll attend a drama club production but he has no great interest in the arts.

When one of us dies the other will still have his or her own circle of friends and things to do where he/she won’t feel totally lost without the other.

 

[Mayita30]

Because we are only human and eventually we are going to offend people, intentionally or not. And people are going to offend and upset us, intentionally or not. And sometimes people need to know that what they did was NOT OKAY.

We’re not doormats, we all have boundries that need to be respected. Choosing the ones that NEED to be respected is picking your boundries.

For example, what if a spouse went too far and disciplined a child in a way that the other spouse was DEFINITELY not comfortable with?

What if one spouse decided that they wanted to do something big- like make a large purchase, move to a different bedroom alone, or stop attending Mass?

Those are BIG things. To me, those are things that need to be addressed… my husband could offend me in small ways a thousand times a day and I could decide each of those times that it’s not worth getting upset over, but if my husband came home and decided that he was going to stop attending Mass- that would be a hill worth dying on for me. That doesn’t mean there would be a fist fight. But there would be SOME type of fight- maybe even one that doesn’t even involved a raised voice.

I am sure you have boundries that NEED to be respected. Like not having your spouse cheat on you. Not having your spouse abuse you or your children. Not having your spouse live a dissolute life, spending all your money on booze and drugs and big screen TVs.

Right?

I have been enjoying reading your posts kristacecilia and I just want to thank you for those MARRIAGE advises you have given. I have been married for 8 months and we are still adjusting to each other. Living with someone who grew up differently is hard and we are still trying to figure things out. I can just imagine if GOd gaves us kids rright now while we are still adjusting hahah that would be hard!!!

 

[LilyElain]

*Please accept this in the spirit it’s intended, which is to help you reflect…did you expect marriage to change him, then? I ask, because if he was ‘‘never’’ overly affectionate…what was marriage going to do to change that aspect? Nothing. Marriage doesn’t morph people into who we wish them to be…it can help people to mature. It can help people to grow together, and sacrifice. I think that what you’re going through is VERY fixable, but if he was always this way, before marriage, it’s unlikely he’ll morph into someone else, just because he’s married. You both married each other though, so there must be some common ground to meet upon. I’d try to find that common ground. He needs to meet you halfway, and you need to meet him. Sometimes, you might have to go the whole 100% distance, and sometimes he might.

That’s actually marriage. Congrats on your marriage by the way. *

Agreed, you beat me too it!

If he was one way before marriage, he was not going to change over night…you vowed to love him…all of him…un-cuddlyness and all…although I agree he does need to realize that you crave and need this as well…so compromise and coming to meet each other half way are important on both sides…
Apparently ( though I may be blasted for this) Fireproof is great movie to watch about this kind of thing…
God bless you hun, and we will be praying!

 

[kristacecilia]

I have been enjoying reading your posts kristacecilia and I just want to thank you for those MARRIAGE advises you have given. I have been married for 8 months and we are still adjusting to each other. Living with someone who grew up differently is hard and we are still trying to figure things out. I can just imagine if GOd gaves us kids rright now while we are still adjusting hahah that would be hard!!!

We got pregnant with our first 6 weeks into our marriage.

 

[simple_soul]

Because we are only human and eventually we are going to offend people, intentionally or not. And people are going to offend and upset us, intentionally or not. And sometimes people need to know that what they did was NOT OKAY.

We’re not doormats, we all have boundries that need to be respected. Choosing the ones that NEED to be respected is picking your boundries.

For example, what if a spouse went too far and disciplined a child in a way that the other spouse was DEFINITELY not comfortable with?

What if one spouse decided that they wanted to do something big- like make a large purchase, move to a different bedroom alone, or stop attending Mass?

Those are BIG things. To me, those are things that need to be addressed… my husband could offend me in small ways a thousand times a day and I could decide each of those times that it’s not worth getting upset over, but if my husband came home and decided that he was going to stop attending Mass- that would be a hill worth dying on for me. That doesn’t mean there would be a fist fight. But there would be SOME type of fight- maybe even one that doesn’t even involved a raised voice.

I am sure you have boundries that NEED to be respected. Like not having your spouse cheat on you. Not having your spouse abuse you or your children. Not having your spouse live a dissolute life, spending all your money on booze and drugs and big screen TVs.

Right?

*I am not sure, please bear with me why I try to explain why so maybe you can understand and explain for me a little more clearly so that I can understand where you are coming from.

St. Gianna Molla envisaged a Christian family as a cenacle gathered around Jesus. This seems to go along with what I understand of catholic church teaching. Which is that the relationship between a husband and wife, in Holy Matrimony, is a reflection of the relationship between Jesus Christ and His church.

If this is so the husband would reflect Jesus and the wife and children would reflect the church. Understanding this, when is it right for the church to tell Jesus Christ He needs to respect it’s boundaries?

Maybe I misunderstand exactly how the husband and wife, in Holy matrimony, reflect the relationship of Jesus Christ and His church. If this is the case could you please help me to understand her teachings of this more clearly?