Husband doesn't care if others look

[bunnykisses88]

My husband says he doesn’t care if others men stare at me. Is this normal or good? I glad he says he trusts me but I’m mad at being seen as an object. Hubby doesn’t get that I guess. I wasn’t showing any cleavage but I don’t yet have nice shirts that aren’t too clingy. So the bf of his childhood friend admitted to staring at my chest. I’m the only one who doesn’t feel that it’s something to joke about but I’m the weird insecure one. I do get jealous and down not trust him like I should. So maybe it is all on me. I am trying to work on my self-esteem though. Thanks

 

[Xantippe]

My husband says he doesn’t care if others men stare at me. Is this normal or good? I glad he says he trusts me but I’m mad at being seen as an object. Hubby doesn’t get that I guess. I wasn’t showing any cleavage but I don’t yet have nice shirts that aren’t too clingy. So the bf of his childhood friend admitted to staring at my chest. I’m the only one who doesn’t feel that it’s something to joke about but I’m the weird insecure one. I do get jealous and down not trust him like I should. So maybe it is all on me. I am trying to work on my self-esteem though. Thanks

It sounds like you need some shopping money!

 

[bunnykisses88]

Yes I do! I haven’t had new tops in years. And the, ones that aren’t that bad are getting worn out which is why I didn’t wear those

 

[pensmama87]

It sounds like you need some shopping money!

Unless there’s other weird stuff going on with your husband, his remark doesn’t strike me as strange. He may just feel secure and confident with you and that’s all he’s expressing - that he doesn’t feel he has anything to fear just because another man might find you attractive.

What bugs me more is that someone else, in a committed relationship, would admit to looking at another person. That’s not a socially appropriate remark to make, and it certainly shouldn’t have been said in front of you or reported to you (or your husband!)

Have you told your husband specifically how the comment made you feel? If you haven’t flat-out told him, it might not have occurred to him that you would take it in a negative way (though I completely understand and would probably feel very awkward and embarrassed in that same situation).

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

As long as no one gets crude I can see why he doesn’t see an issue. From his pov others are simply admiring your beauty, the beauty he also sees.

Would you have an issue of another women commented on the attractive qualities of your husband? (This is an honest question)

 

[pensmama87]

As long as no one gets crude I can see why he doesn’t see an issue. From his pov others are simply admiring your beauty, the beauty he also sees.

Would you have an issue of another women commented on the attractive qualities of your husband? (This is an honest question)

The OP indicated that the comment was about her chest specifically. I think that’s really inappropriate, and crude by definition.

If someone said to me, “Oh, your husband is handsome,” OK (though this depends on context, too, e.g. my grandma telling me my husband is handsome is different than a single friend, though both may be OK). If someone said, “Wow, he has a nice butt,” I’d be bothered.

 

[bmaj]

The OP indicated that the comment was about her chest specifically. I think that’s really inappropriate, and crude by definition.

If someone said to me, “Oh, your husband is handsome,” OK (though this depends on context, too, e.g. my grandma telling me my husband is handsome is different than a single friend, though both may be OK). If someone said, “Wow, he has a nice butt,” I’d be bothered.

I think the above comment really gets to the heart of the matter. It is crude and inappropriate to be stared at like that - and/or to comment on it as was done, especially in the case of a married woman. It sadly can make a wife feel like just a sex object. It’s very normal for the OP to feel the way she does.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

It could be your a bit insecure, it could be that he think you look great,
It could be that he want to show off his prize , who knows,But I will agree with previous suggestion,go shopping till you feel better about yourself ,providing there are no real financial restraints ,

 

[bunnykisses88]

What bmaj said captures how I feel about it for sure.
Thanks everyone for your insight. It helps me so much.

I did tell him it bothers me but he just repeats that he trusts me. That they are his friends.
He joked in a text to his childhood friend that her bfn looked at my chest. And I guess she confirmed it with her bf. Then she tested my hubby that he did. That helped couldn’t help it etc she says yes but you don’t have to look. Hubby replies with “lol”.

I’m uncomfortable with it but I do know that I will definitely be shopping for new tops today! So I can be proactive in helping others not fall into temptation.

Yes I’m insecure and have low self-esteem so I’m glad for outside insight and opinions It’s hard to find plus sized tops that aren’t clingy to me but I’m determined! I already have long skirts and I don’t wear shorts outside because mine are too short. It’s funny that it used to bother him and so that helped me start thinking about modesty. I am more jealous and not trusting so I’m working on that too.

 

[Kephart]

Since you are working on your self-esteem, here is a quote I have found very useful. I have it pinned to my wall:

Our true worth does not consist in what human beings think of us. What we really are consists in what God knows us to be.
– Saint John Berchmans

K

 

[pensmama87]

I did tell him it bothers me but he just repeats that he trusts me. That they are his friends.

So he doesn’t get why it upsets you. Have you told him why, besides just that it does?

He joked in a text to his childhood friend that her bfn looked at my chest. And I guess she confirmed it with her bf. Then she tested my hubby that he did. That helped couldn’t help it etc she says yes but you don’t have to look. Hubby replies with “lol”.

I think that whole exchange is really socially inappropriate. How old are all of you?

I’m uncomfortable with it but I do know that I will definitely be shopping for new tops today! So I can be proactive in helping others not fall into temptation.

Yes I’m insecure and have low self-esteem so I’m glad for outside insight and opinions It’s hard to find plus sized tops that aren’t clingy to me but I’m determined! I already have long skirts and I don’t wear shorts outside because mine are too short. It’s funny that it used to bother him and so that helped me start thinking about modesty. I am more jealous and not trusting so I’m working on that too.

Yes, it makes a world of difference to wear clothes that fit and are flattering to your whole person.

That being said, I think a discussion needs to be had with your husband about appropriate boundaries with friends and that your husband does need to take your feelings into account even if he doesn’t understand them. He should not be joking about your body or other people’s reactions to them to others. It is not wrong for that to bother you. Security and self-esteem do not mean that nothing anybody does will bother you. Some things bother us because they are wrong and inappropriate, and it is healthy in those circumstances for us to stand up for ourselves and say, “Sorry, I know you feel differently, but this is not OK with me. Please stop.”

 

[bunnykisses88]

I’ve been trying to. I wrote to him that it makes me feel like an object.

Hmm it does to me too. I’m 27. Hubby turns 27 next week. Her bf turns 26 in July but I assume she is around our ages.

Thanks I am pregnant tho so we’ll see what I find. Hubby also puts these emotions of mine on my hormones too well I do know it doesn’t help haha.

 

[pensmama87]

OK, I am 28 and my husband is 29. I asked him about this situation (generally) and he thinks your husband is being rude - also, he would hate it if someone was ogling me around him, and definitely not use it as fodder for a text conversation with a female friend.

By the way, if he thinks you are being weird and hormonal, he needs to keep that to himself, for his personal safety as much as anything. He clearly has not learned that blaming his pregnant wife is about the dumbest thing a married man can do. Especially when those are her feelings about her own changing body!

(I find it’s often an excuse people use just to be mean to pregnant ladies. If things bother people, then to the extent that it is reasonable for us to do so, we should stop doing the bothering thing. Simple.)

 

[on_the_hill]

Well…if one of my friends said something like that about my wife, I sure wouldn’t tell her.

But it might have to do with context, too.

 

[Captain_America]

OP: hey, you get to go shopping!

Good luck! My advice is to figure out in advance what you kind of need, and not just grab the first stuff that catches your fancy.

You know, part of this is that you’re “growing up”, which means you’re out of that whole adolescent, “hey opposite sex, look at me” phase.

 

[St_Pancake]

Just a couple of points. I like having a wife that everyone finds attractive. It’s better than the alternative. It does make you feel proud when others notice your wife.

Having said that, the talk regarding this seems a bit crude but I’m twice your age. 20 years less and I might feel differently.

And finally, this isn’t a hill on which you want to die.