Husband drinks too much

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BusyMom23

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My husband drinks too much and often is not “himself” I know he also smokes pot at times and I’m feeling really disgusted with him. Our daughter (9) doesn’t show disgust for his personality when he’s been drinking, but son (12) gets disgusted and asks why does Dad have to get drunk and act differently. Most family occassions end up with me driving home and him drinking too much. Where do I start?
 
Hello friend,

Firstly I would like to commend you for reaching out about this. That shows courage and a willingness to seek help.

A great place to start is at an Alanon meeting. There you will find others like yourself who are living with an alcoholic. Alanon meetings are everywhere. You can find Alanon in the phone book, or call the local number for Alcoholics Anonymous and ask them how to reach Alanon. Alanon meetings are free and anyone can attend. They have helped me greatly during my life, as I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and ended up an alcoholic myself. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous I have sixteen years sober. At Alanon you can learn more about alcoholism and especially this: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

A good talk with your husband when he is sober would be in order. Let him know how you feel and how your wee son notices his drunkenness. Ask him if he is willing to get help. He may not want to get help, but it is important for you to have that conversation with him anyway. Don’t attempt to have this conversation with him when he has been drinking. He may not be fully alcoholic yet but from what you described, it sounds like he is certainly on his way. Alcoholics never get better if they continue to drink; they only get worse. Alcoholism is only arrested with sobriety, never cured.

And pray, never cease praying, my friend. Prayer will help you so much. If you have a priest you can trust, speak with him about your husband.

I will keep you in my prayers, friend. God bless,

Geraldine
 
Wow. Well, if it was me, I guess I’d start by talking to the boy and saying that grownups are people and that even though it’s necessary to treat them with respect they still make mistakes and poor choices sometimes and that this is a good lesson in the consequences of those kinds of choices. That when there comes a time in his life that your son is offered alcohol, as will happen, he should keep in mind how disturbing his father’s behaviour is and whether that’s something that he wishes to repeat before he accepts the alcohol.

That would be my first priority, maybe because I feel for the kid.

Second, if you think it would do any good, it might help to bring up in casual conversation with your husband what his version of drinking too much is… did his mom drink, did his dad drink, does he even notice or remember how much he drinks or how much others drink… sometimes it’s safer to bring it up as it relates to someone else to see if it’s bothering him or even if he’s noticed it yet. I’m assuming of course that you’re concerned about alcoholism, since otherwise you’d just ask him to drink less.

Maybe, talk to your priest, and bring your son too? I don’t know what else. I don’t know how resistant to all or any of this your husband would be.

Yeah, Geraldine said it better (I guess I was typing while she posted :-)… what she said. Again.
 
Thanks for your prayers…I know that I am still here only beause of my prayers and faith. It would be easier to not have to deal with this and just leave him, but I know that’s not the vow I made.

I will try Al-Anon next…I did speak to my priest a few years ago and he really wasn’t too much help.

Talking to him about this never works. I’m crazy, he doesn’t drink too much, etc etc.

He was sober for five years when my son was about 1yr. until 6 years. Then he suddenly decided he could handle it and it wouldn’t get out of control. Well, so much for that.

I keep thinking this…“love the person, hate the sin”

Thanks for your thoughts.
 
I second Alanon and there is also an Alateen and Alatots that many children attend.
 
I’ll look into those too. I know it’s probably better to be blunt about how much their father drinks than to make excuses…It’s almost embarassing that we have to deal with this issue.

Although my family knows he drinks too much - so I have support from them.
 
Well, Al-Anon is a good start and should give you the support and prayers that you need. Remember that it is a disease, but one that he can make a choice to fight. Keep praying that he make that choice and do what you need to do to keep you own head above water and your son and daughter safe in the mean time.
 
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BusyMom23:
Thanks for your prayers…I know that I am still here only beause of my prayers and faith. It would be easier to not have to deal with this and just leave him, but I know that’s not the vow I made.

I will try Al-Anon next…I did speak to my priest a few years ago and he really wasn’t too much help.

Talking to him about this never works. I’m crazy, he doesn’t drink too much, etc etc.

He was sober for five years when my son was about 1yr. until 6 years. Then he suddenly decided he could handle it and it wouldn’t get out of control. Well, so much for that.

I keep thinking this…“love the person, hate the sin”

Thanks for your thoughts.
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Yes, love the sinner not the sin–this is very important for all of us to remember!

Talking to your husband may never work because alcoholism is a disease of denial–the disease tells the alcoholic they are fine, there is no problem, they don’t drink too much, their spouse is crazy, etc. As long as your husband is in denial he will not recognize his problem; and vice versa, as long as your husband drinks he will remain in denial. It’s a vicious cycle.

Something Alanon teaches is to not enable the alcoholic. That means not picking him up from a bar just because he’s too drunk. Tell him to get a cab. Stuff like that. As long as a person enables an alcoholic to drink the alcoholic will never get the message that he has a problem. Alanon has some great literature on this that is really really helpful to a spouse of an alcoholic.

Hang in there, hon. Detach with love. Just remember you didn’t cause his problem and you are not crazy. You are a good spouse trying to understand and do the right thing for you and your children. Alanon will really help if you give it a chance. In other words, don’t just go to one meeting! Go to as many as you can. God bless you, sister!
 
I will look for an Al-Anon in my area and will give it a try.

Do you discuss your situation at these meetings or do you listen to speakers?
 
al-anon-alateen.org/

You discuss - you use only your first name as do others and it is anonymous. No one can discuss what is said outside of the meetings. It is based on the same program as Alcoholics Anonymous is.
 
I know it’s probably better to be blunt about how much their father drinks than to make excuses
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You are correct, making excuses or covering up for an alcoholic only enables them.

You don’t have to be mean about it - you just don’t say he has the flu when he has a hangover, etc.

You might also find this message board helpful in understanding how the program works - and the best part of Alanon - it is free

msnusers.com/FriendsandFamilyinRecovery/alanon.msnw
 
I’d just second and third everything that has been said about Al-Anon. It is important to note that your husband does NOT have to be in AA or any other recovery program for you to attend Al-Anon, and for the kids to attend Alateen.

The only requirement for membership is that you have a problem with what the drinker does. That he realises that problem is uninmportant to your recovery.

Quite often, though, having the 12 Steps around can help the “problem person” to see the light.

Good luck, if you have any problems, email me catholicbudgie@hotmail.com

(Note: administrators - this is an email address I created for this purpose. It is not my “Normal” email. No harm is intended. I’d like to help this lady through our shared experiences)
 
I will warn you that some Alanon groups are worthless. But luckily just about every town should have at lest one, so if yours ends up being a big pity pot, then you can just hop over to another one that is helpful 🙂

And another warning if you give an ultimatum you had better be able to stand by it. Most people have to be utterly destroyed before they realize they have a problem.
 
I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I’ll keep you, your husband and your children in my prayers.

Summer Marie
 
I also encourage you to visit AlAnon and its related AA Family Groups. You can also attend open AA meetings – it will give you perspective on your husband’s situation.

I also must agree that not all AlAnon groups are wonderful. I abandoned one in my hometown because it was dominated by two women who felt they were the authority for everything… this is not what AA Family groups are about! But the next town up the road has several wonderful meetings, and I felt much better about them.

Be praying, not just for your husband’s recovery and for your children’s safety, but also for your own wisdom and for the courage to “change what you can,” to know where to set limits.

It’s a terrible thing when the wife of an alcoholic puts up with all manner of difficulty and indignities because, after all, she reasons, “he doesn’t hit her.” Don’t amplify ordinarily decent behavior to the level of heroic virtue – know your limits, and if it is bad enough, give yourself an “out” – be ready to leave if that is what it will take to protect yourself and your children.

That also includes his inability to support you. A man who has to drink rather than pay bills should not be supported and “kept” by his wife. That only enables his drinking.

Been there, done that, decided I didn’t want the souvenir t-shirt – you have my prayers, dear lady.
 
Don’t forget that your state of mind is very important. Families of those with addictions are co-dependents. We have a Catholic counseling center(St Joseph’s) in our diocese. Hope that you have one near you. They can help you and understand your faith and the importance that it has in your life. Many others do not share our faith and don’t understand.

God bless you and may His healing power come upon you and your family.

Deacon Tony SFO
 
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Trelow:
I will warn you that some Alanon groups are worthless. But luckily just about every town should have at lest one, so if yours ends up being a big pity pot, then you can just hop over to another one that is helpful
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While that IS true, not all of them are. If you find one you don’t like, find another! A new member is requested to do six meetings before they decide if it is for them. So, do one a week, and keep your mind open for a month and a half. This is because a classic symptom of the loved ones is denial (Well, you know, it’s not that big a problem) and usually the first few meetings can bring up a lot of stuff.

This six weeks allows you to get over any hurdles and make a proper decision about it.
 
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catholicbudgie:
While that IS true, not all of them are. If you find one you don’t like, find another! A new member is requested to do six meetings before they decide if it is for them. So, do one a week, and keep your mind open for a month and a half. This is because a classic symptom of the loved ones is denial (Well, you know, it’s not that big a problem) and usually the first few meetings can bring up a lot of stuff.

This six weeks allows you to get over any hurdles and make a proper decision about it.
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Very good advice! :clapping:
 
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain because I also went through this. My husband is an alcoholic and used drugs off and on for 17 years of out marriage. It took a car accident and several DUIs for him to change. Every situation is different. No one but you and God can know what you should do. I didn’t go to Alanon, but wish I had. Just keep praying. I’ll pray for you too. If you would like to contact me for a private email, please do so. I’d be happy to discuss my situation further and hopefully help any way I can.

Godd Bless,

Mrs. H.
 
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