husband filed

[Marie5890]

My husband filed for divorce on our 2 year anniversary. I’m in shock but coming to terms with it. I hope our son will be ok, as I don’t like to think about him in a split family.

My question is this, are there still men in the world who respect women’s role as wife and mother? Are there men that want lots of children, and want to be financial providers (main providers) for their families, while the women does the child-rearing (traditional?)

I’m not writing this to seek attention from men. I just never have seen this and wondered if men, including Catholic men, are all modernized now and want the woman to work/be on the pill/have 1-2 kids/etc. like my soon-to-be ex.

Thanks in advance.
Lily

Are you anticipating trying to get a declaration of nullity?

 

[thewanderer]

you should call him your fiancee. (i assume that’s what you meant, instead of finace.) your promises to each other mean more than rings or parties or whatever else you need money for.

Actually, fiancee is the feminine form, so I’d rather stick to my fiance. Yes, perhaps I should just call him that, that is how we think of each other, but I am just not used to talking to others that way as nothing is official yet.

Instead of looking for a man who thinks all women should stay at home and have lots of kids, how about looking for a man who is willing to be in a partnership with his wife and support her in whatever path she thinks would be best for everyone involved? That can include either being a stay at home mom OR working outside the home.

There is nothing that says that someone who wants to be able to provide for his family himself would have anything against his wife working or having an equal partnership. My fiance would love to be able to provide everything himself if thats possible, and he would love to also have a large family if that is possible, as would I. That doesn’t mean that he would be hugely disappointed if I ended up working (as I most certainly will, at least at first). Especially if there are financial reasons for me to work he would have no problem with it. And if it was because it was something I truly needed for my own fulfillment as a person I know he would be willing to work with that need, so long as we are both careful to put the family first. Having a preference for the ‘traditional’ sturcture of the family in no way shape or form makes someone less caring or considerate of their partners needs, nor does it make them look at their partner as being below themselves rather than equal.

 

[Nimzovik]

Actually, fiancee is the feminine form, so I’d rather stick to my fiance. Yes, perhaps I should just call him that, that is how we think of each other, but I am just not used to talking to others that way as nothing is official yet.

There is nothing that says that someone who wants to be able to provide for his family himself would have anything against his wife working or having an equal partnership. My fiance would love to be able to provide everything himself if thats possible, and he would love to also have a large family if that is possible, as would I. That doesn’t mean that he would be hugely disappointed if I ended up working (as I most certainly will, at least at first). Especially if there are financial reasons for me to work he would have no problem with it. And if it was because it was something I truly needed for my own fulfillment as a person I know he would be willing to work with that need, so long as we are both careful to put the family first. Having a preference for the ‘traditional’ sturcture of the family in no way shape or form makes someone less caring or considerate of their partners needs, nor does it make them look at their partner as being below themselves rather than equal.

Yes…* Fascinating* how the First Association Response of most is that males are such… repressive ogres… isn’t it?

 

[Cristiano]

Instead of looking for a man who thinks all women should stay at home and have lots of kids, how about looking for a man who is willing to be in a partnership with his wife and support her in whatever path she thinks would be best for everyone involved? That can include either being a stay at home mom OR working outside the home.

Please read before commenting! The OP made none of the statements that you are attributing to her.

 

[Saturn5]

My husband filed for divorce on our 2 year anniversary. I’m in shock but coming to terms with it. I hope our son will be ok, as I don’t like to think about him in a split family.

My question is this, are there still men in the world who respect women’s role as wife and mother? Are there men that want lots of children, and want to be financial providers (main providers) for their families, while the women does the child-rearing (traditional?)

I’m not writing this to seek attention from men. I just never have seen this and wondered if men, including Catholic men, are all modernized now and want the woman to work/be on the pill/have 1-2 kids/etc. like my soon-to-be ex.

Thanks in advance.
Lily

My heart goes out to you Lily20. Know that you and your family will be included in my prayers.

Yes, we do exist out here. But unfortunately we men don’t have the market cornered yet on bad marriages. I sort of wait for my wife to drop that same bomb on me someday of divorce. She is cold, distant and doesn’t want to address the problems in our marriage. For women it’s feelings, for men it’s responsibility it seems we run away from.

I can say that I was reborn a few years ago. I say reborn as I am a cradle Catholic, but went many years without practicing our faith. Christ, IMHO, has to be front and center in your heart and your marriage. Without Him, cornerstone foundations like forgiveness, charity and respect are pretty much out the window. It was a difficult lesson I had to learn, and as I mentioned above, one my wife has not embraced yet.

With that said, I will love my wife unconditionally and treat her with the respect and honor that I pledged to her on our wedding day 12 years ago. Any decisions about separation will be hers and hers alone. I have never even hinted at that. In fact, I go as far to tell her regularly that I’m not going anywhere. I know she had a rough childhood and watched a verbally abusive father berate her mother daily and openly have affairs. That clearly had an effect on her, but she doesn’t want to recognize that yet. Meanwhile, I will plan the all the date nights, pickup after her, send her flowers and cards and continue to date her like I did before we were married. Oh and say rosary after rosary for her!

I will pray your husband sees the light of Christ and understand what forgiveness and sacrafice mean in marriage and the joy it can bring to both spouses. Particularly when there children in the equation.

God bless

 

[poker10]

What you are looking for is not “traditional” marriage. It’s an “idealized” one. The idea of having the husband go off to work and the mom stay home and raise the kids is a 20th Century creation…the idealized family life brought about in the 1950s.

You have to realized before that women were working in large numbers during WW II and the Depression. Before that women did a lot of work on the farm, just like everyone in the family, including tending the fields as well as taking care of the home. There wasn’t really a middle class when one person could make a good enough living to support an entire family. That only came around after WWII thanks to the edge the U.S. economy had over the entire world that was left in ruins after the war.

Anyway, you should just find someone who makes you happy and you make happy. There’s not much more too it than that.

 

[Debora123]

There is nothing that says that someone who wants to be able to provide for his family himself would have anything against his wife working or having an equal partnership. My fiance would love to be able to provide everything himself if thats possible, and he would love to also have a large family if that is possible, as would I. That doesn’t mean that he would be hugely disappointed if I ended up working (as I most certainly will, at least at first). Especially if there are financial reasons for me to work he would have no problem with it. And if it was because it was something I truly needed for my own fulfillment as a person I know he would be willing to work with that need, so long as we are both careful to put the family first. Having a preference for the ‘traditional’ sturcture of the family in no way shape or form makes someone less caring or considerate of their partners needs, nor does it make them look at their partner as being below themselves rather than equal.

Good!

The best thing is to have a husband that would support you in whatever you thought would be best for the family… whether that be by staying at home, or working outside the home. Sounds like you have that.

 

[Debora123]

Yes…* Fascinating* how the First Association Response of most is that males are such… repressive ogres… isn’t it?

Wow, I’m not sure when I said that.

I don’t think most men are repressive ogres at all… in fact, I think most men are exactly as I described they should be - supportive of their wives whether they decide to stay home or work. I’ve never personally met any man who is controlling of his wife in either way, or who had a strong opinion either way.

 

[Debora123]

Please read before commenting! The OP made none of the statements that you are attributing to her.

Oh my gosh… you know what?? Just forget I ever said anything. Too late to delete my comment now, otherwise I would.

Jeez, ya can’t say anything around here…

 

[severus68]

What you are looking for is not “traditional” marriage. It’s an “idealized” one. The idea of having the husband go off to work and the mom stay home and raise the kids is a 20th Century creation…the idealized family life brought about in the 1950s.

You have to realized before that women were working in large numbers during WW II and the Depression. Before that women did a lot of work on the farm, just like everyone in the family, including tending the fields as well as taking care of the home. There wasn’t really a middle class when one person could make a good enough living to support an entire family. That only came around after WWII thanks to the edge the U.S. economy had over the entire world that was left in ruins after the war.

Anyway, you should just find someone who makes you happy and you make happy. There’s not much more too it than that.

Truly and well said.

 

[severus68]

My husband filed for divorce on our 2 year anniversary. I’m in shock but coming to terms with it. I hope our son will be ok, as I don’t like to think about him in a split family.

My question is this, are there still men in the world who respect women’s role as wife and mother? Are there men that want lots of children, and want to be financial providers (main providers) for their families, while the women does the child-rearing (traditional?)

I’m not writing this to seek attention from men. I just never have seen this and wondered if men, including Catholic men, are all modernized now and want the woman to work/be on the pill/have 1-2 kids/etc. like my soon-to-be ex.

Thanks in advance.
Lily

I am sorry for what has happened, my prayers for all three of you.
I have to ask whether the kind of marriage you both wanted was discussed and agreed upon before you married. Why does your husband want a divorce? Can a third party like your priest talk to him and get him to change your mind?

I am sure ( as you see from what some posters say here, that there are some men who want the kind of marriage you want. If your husband does not want such a marriage, you may have to compromise with regard to your ideal marriage if you want to stay married.

BTW, there are many who want a different kind of marriage, there are so many variables. However, it is not about being modernised, women have always worked, and these marriages are not automatically about ABC etc. The Church does not require that Catholic marriages be as you want and many prefer marriages built on both partners being involved in child nuturing, providing an income etc.

God bless.

 

[chaela_may]

Actually, fiancee is the feminine form, so I’d rather stick to my fiance. Yes, perhaps I should just call him that, that is how we think of each other, but I am just not used to talking to others that way as nothing is official yet.

cool! i didn’t know that there were separate terms for male and females who were engaged to be married. thanks!

 

[chaela_may]

He wasn’t rejected, he was waiting for you! He just didn’t know it at the time!

that’s one way to think about it. in fact, that sounds like something that he’d say. but he wasn’t simply rejected by women turning him down. he was outright used; one of them even admitted that he was nothing more to her than a paycheck and his self-esteem was so low that he thought that he could do no better and just accepted it. he was even engaged to that one, before she pawned both the engagement ring and his high school ring and ran off with some other guy to another city overnight. she gave him the news on the phone when he was worried about her because he didn’t know where she was. he was cheated on, manipulated, even physically assaulted. he needed counseling after what those… people… did to him, even though he’s really a very strong character. and he’s such a good man. i’m sure that it happens to so many good men. women think that they can just walk all over them and that’s just what some of them do. no wonder they’re undervalued and becoming more and more of a minority. guys grow up looking at that kind of thing, where nothing comes of being a good man and watch lesser men being rewarded; no wonder many boys who would have become good men become, well, less than they were meant to be.

if any of those things happened to a woman, all her family and friends would be up in arms, encouraging legal action and even extra-legal actions, articles get written and politicians make speeches, but when it happens to a man, people just seem to think that, because women are a legal minority and men aren’t, that they should just man up and deal with it.

i’m sorry to rant. but perhaps it will help the op see why this isn’t her fault, specifically, but a social evil. good men are out there. you just need to have the perspective to seek them.

 

[maltmom]

There are some really wonderful Christian men out there. I’m friends with a couple of them. They treat their wives with love and respect. I may never have that for myself, but it brings me joy to see how blessed my friends are to be married to such men.

 

[Nimzovik]

There are some really wonderful Christian men out there. I’m friends with a couple of them. They treat their wives with love and respect. I may never have that for myself, but it brings me joy to see how blessed my friends are to be married to such men.

Good for you. I for one could never understand the attraction some women have for the so called ‘Bad Boy’ image such as often represented by some of today’s rap music.

 

[Crescentinus]

Good for you. I for one could never understand the attraction some women have for the so called ‘Bad Boy’ image such as often represented by some of today’s rap music.

It’s because some women these days only want drama in a relationship. For them, conflict resolution is evil.

 

[lily20]

Are you anticipating trying to get a declaration of nullity?

I would, yes, seek annulment if it goes through.

He is athiest, we were married when I had a dip in my spirituality, and then came back to Catholicism afterward. He really is sad that I became strongly attached to Christ during our two year marriage. I often pray, go to Adoration, mass, and read the bible and listen to Catholic radio. He says it’s killing our marriage.

He won’t see a priest or Christian person. He wants us to only go to “new agers”

 

[joshvanrad]

They are harder to find but I can assure you that they still exist.

I urge you strongly to not become bitter towards men after this- such a thing would be counterproductive.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[mamaslo]

Were you married in the Catholic Church?

You are not the one killing the marriage. There are always consequences to our decisions…good or bad. We don’t see them right away and think that if we buck up and pull up our boot straps, it will be ok. While sometimes true, not always. Sometimes people do come around and it is very good. Sometimes they do not and the gap gets bigger.

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

[Marie5890]

I would, yes, seek annulment if it goes through.

He is athiest, we were married when I had a dip in my spirituality, and then came back to Catholicism afterward. He really is sad that I became strongly attached to Christ during our two year marriage. I often pray, go to Adoration, mass, and read the bible and listen to Catholic radio. He says it’s killing our marriage.

He won’t see a priest or Christian person. He wants us to only go to “new agers”

Being unevenly yoke, even in a spiritual sense, is very hard on a relationship. It puts a big big strain on things because there are dissimilar basic core values. And those are foundational in any marriage.

I will pray for you and him…

God Bless.