Husband Flirting With Female Co-Worker

[TheRealJuliane]

Your intuition or the Holy Spirit isn’t lying to you. I am sorry that you had to play detective but when a husband is starting to stray, it’s either that or hire a real detective,

Your husband is at least playing a very dangerous game. Perhaps he is considering an affair. Perhaps he is already having one.

My husband cannot lie. When I sensed something was going on, I asked him what it was, and he confessed that he had been in the company of a single woman while on a business trip out of the country. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong when he got back. He said nothing had happened, but to be honest, I still don’t believe him, and that was 15 years ago. The trust was broken because he was alone in another country and chose to spend time with a woman. And why would he be so uncomfortable that I picked up on it if he’d done nothing wrong? Then a few months after that, I stumbled upon a letter from her that he had saved in his briefcase. Well, why would he save that letter unless something had been going on…he’s a somewhat sentimental guy and saves mementos that matter to him. We had another scene, yet he insisted that he had done nothing physical with this woman.

I chose to stay, for the sake of our sons, who were very small at the time. I knew that my trust in him would never be at the same level. I can forgive, but you can’t get the snakes back into the can, you know? I can’t ever forget that it happened. I still feel insecure when he travels overseas.

To my mind, trust is the elemental building block of any relationship. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. Things like what your husband is doing break trust. No matter what happens, your relationship with him will never quite be the same.

Yes, I advise you to confront him. Do not apologize for checking on him. Stay focused on his behavior and choices. He may try to shift the blame and make it seem as if you are wrong for checking up on him. That is another subject. His actions are what you need to keep front and center. I think you will know if something really is going on from his reactions.

My heart goes out to you.

:console:

 

[Serap]

Speaking as a husband of just over a year and with a young baby, I feel bad for you but want to re-assure you also.

Just because the marriage is young and you are in that honeymoon, doesn’t mean it is immune from temptation, especially where pregnancy is involved because of the physical and mental changes on husband and wife.

I would suggest this woman is offering him a bit of a lease of life and he may be enjoying the attention he gets from her. Nothing suggests a physical affair has certainly been happening but your husband needs to realize for himself that he is endangering your marriage and his own spiritual well-being. Confronting him is not going to be conducive to trust for either of you.

Speaking for myself, I have female friends and sometimes notice temptation. But I adore my wife and could not bring myself to hurt her not to mention God. I deal with the temptation by spending quality time with my wife, talking to her about my feelings and through prayer. I hope your husband can do the same and may God bless you both. None of us are perfect, but we can try to be.

From your own point of view, maybe try to have something that resembles a fun date, nothing major, and involving baby too if necessary. Try to be relaxed. Be strong. Don’t let yourself get neurotic. See how he responds. If he says nothing, maybe bring it up in an open way. But make sure your husband is able to enjoy you and his baby, so that if he has guilt, it will rise to the surface.

**Ultimately though, in a good marriage there should be honesty and trust. When the time feels right, open your heart to him, be totally honest and make him understand where you are coming from and say how important trust is. He may be defensive, but you know how to talk to him better than we here can advise. You will want to be prepared for him being offended, rightly or wrongly, that you checked up on him. Be humble and calm and make him understand.**This is simply humble advice and not a substitute for seeing a priest or sister.

This is the best advice I’ve seen on this thread.

Approach him in a non-threatening way letting him know that you love him and how it is making you feel.

You definitely need to face the elephant in the room.

 

[mamaslo]

This is the best advice I’ve seen on this thread.

Approach him in a non-threatening way letting him know that you love him and how it is making you feel.

You definitely need to face the elephant in the room.

Exactly this.

 

[Debora123]

Hi all - hoping I can get some good advice re: my situation…

My husband and I have been married for only 11 months and just had our first child almost 2 months ago. As you can see, we got pregnant right away…such a wonderful blessing that God has bestowed on us!!!

A few months ago, just after the baby was born, I happened to see my husband at home texting with a person in his phone labeled as “HR.” I thought that was odd that he had only their initials entered into his phone…and got an uneasy feeling. I was able to figure out who this person was by looking at the number and a few texts talking about what they were up to that weekend…it was a female co-worker of his around his age. My heart dropped. He was sitting at home with his recovering wife and a brand new baby texting this woman about things not even related to work! He must know it’s wrong if he has labeled her with only her initials…and, I noticed, deletes their text messages usually right away. It made me get to thinking back to if there were any times where I suspected something was going on. Just a month prior he went to a work-sponsored happy hour and stayed out until 2am. He never stayed out late for those things and would usually say how he dreaded them and just wanted to come home after work. When it started getting late, I texted and called and couldn’t get a hold of him and worried that something was wrong. Then he called right before 2am and said he was on his way home. When he got home he had a story about all the young co-workers of his that are on his team being too intoxicated to drive and he stayed and made sure they got cab rides home. I felt like he wasn’t being completely honest with me, just a gut feeling. And he seemed overly sorry, like something else had happened. The story just didn’t fit. So going back to when I discovered he was texting with “HR”… I logged into our cell phone provider’s website and checked the call and texts logs for his number. I found that they had been texting for the last 2 months and A LOT. There was texting during work and on week nights and weekends…sometimes until 12:30-1am. They would text when I was around and when I was out of town, usually more during this time. I checked the night of the happy hour and saw they were texting then…I guess during happy hour? He also made a call to her after he had called me to say he was coming home! I was devastated and needed to know what their conversations were about and if it was more than friendly. I did some snooping on his work email and found some flirty emails between the two. Nothing too incriminating but some comments were made that I was not comfortable with, especially with him being a married man! He also found me on his computer and questioned what I was doing and seemed a bit nervous… he has never done this before.

I am completely okay with my husband having relationships on a more personal level with his co-workers. But this one just doesn’t seem right. Frequently texting outside of work? Calling each other at 2am after a happy hour? My husband gets along well with women; he has a lot of women friends…maybe because he grew up with four sisters. I’ve always been fine with these relationships and have never noticed any flirting.

Would you say this is an emotional affair? I don’t get it. Our marriage is great. For goodness sakes we’ve only been married for less than a year!! Isn’t this the “honeymoon period”?? We don’t have any communication issues. We are both very caring and supportive of each other. We joke around a lot like best friends. We tell each other everything (except he is keeping this from me and that makes me sick to my stomach). The thing that we are lacking in, though, is intimacy. We haven’t had sex since we found out I was pregnant (I had horrible morning sickness, was not allowed to have sex for a few months for a medical reason and then was too big and too uncomfortable). My husband is a wonderful Catholic man and has great will power (no sex before marriage). I would think that he would not go out and look for something physical outside of our relationship. But I have wondered if this relationship he has with this woman could blossom into something more physical because he isn’t “being satisfied” at home. Before we got married, our relationship started out through email when we worked together, then texts, then phone calls, etc… and he seems to be going down the same path with this woman!

How would you approach this situation? I know I need to talk to him and have been thinking about it a lot; it really has been bothering me. I’m not overreacting, am I? I feel like this is something I (he) needs to nip in the bud asap. But I worry he won’t end it because they work so closely together on their account. I also worry about what he will say about my snooping. Should I tell him I checked the cell phone text log and looked at his work emails? I had to to know if this was something more than just a friendly work relationship.

Have been doing a lot of praying and would also appreciate any advice, (name removed by moderator)ut… thanks so much. God Bless.

I would be EXTREMELY upset if my husband did ANY of those things, even just staying out past 2am without me. That’s not something you do when you’re married.

I’m surprised you haven’t confronted him about any of this. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about openness and trust? Is there a reason you haven’t felt okay with asking him immediately every time anything at all seemed suspicious or wrong to you?

You say you have a great marriage, but in the same breath you say you haven’t even confronted him about any of this, AND that you haven’t had sex for months. No. That is NOT healthy. I would try counseling with a priest.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would be EXTREMELY upset if my husband did ANY of those things, even just staying out past 2am without me. That’s not something you do when you’re married.

I’m surprised you haven’t confronted him about any of this. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about openness and trust? Is there a reason you haven’t felt okay with asking him immediately every time anything at all seemed suspicious or wrong to you?

You say you have a great marriage, but in the same breath you say you haven’t even confronted him about any of this, AND that you haven’t had sex for months. No. That is NOT healthy. I would try counseling with a priest.

Exactly!!!

 

[CajunsforChrist]

I agree that this DEFINITELY needs to be PART of your approach.
But I do think it’s important to actually confront him on the issue.
What you have posted WITHOUT A DOUBT crosses lines.
Time frames are inappropriate. DELETING the txts is inappropriate. These are smoking guns.

I think sincerity is necessary.
I think being honest with where you are in life (just had a baby) is important.
I think apologizing for any lack of attention you may be showing him (now matter how warranted it may be with the baby) is prudent. He may need to hear this. Remove any potential for (even unwarranted) guilt on your part. Don’t hesitate.
“I love you. I know I’ve been busy with the baby. I’m sorry if we aren’t as close as we should be right now.”

Then… it’s up to him.

I agree with almost everything St. Francis (minus the part about not approaching him) said and I agree with Em on the aspect of approaching him about the issue. As his wife you have every right to tell him that his behavior is not only inappropriate but that it makes you really upset. As another poster has said, he may not even realize that his behavior is inappropriate so it may take you telling him how you feel for him to realize that. And don’t be afraid to turn the tables around. That tactic works on my relationship with my husband as well. He doesn’t usually see things until I have him place himself in my shoes. And as always, I think it can’t hurt to see a priest or maybe try going to marriage counseling together if at all possible. Good Luck & God Bless!

 

[faithfully]

Or it could be a swan that was raised by ducks.
The viewing of hubby’s texts is disgusting and dishonest.
Wife should likely “upgrade” her own flirting skills - NOW.

I’m sure you mean the viewing of his dishonest and disgusting texts must be heart wrenching and frightening. The idea that he’s losing it already 11 months into marriage is very scary.

A swan will never look like, nor walk like a duck.

Try to show some compassion to a woman who is newly married, got pg right off the back, sick, and i’m sure now is not running around full of energy. Her husband, should be making efforts to be a strong daddy, and loving and thoughtfull husband. I think most men will find their wives (unless dealing with PPD, or who has issues with sex) more than willing to have sex when they are treated well. And I think most women would rather be celebate for life than to have sex with a man that is sneaking around when he should be showing just how much of a man he is. Texting another woman is not a turn on.

I even imagine he’s doing so under the guise of being helpful. Texting her while feeding or changing the baby at 2am. Why else woul a new parent even be awake?

Her lack of flirting should not have a man flirting elsewhere. She should not have to EARN his love and faithfulness. They earned that on their wedding day when they both made an equal committment for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.

OP, personally I would fess up.

I would tell him his behavior has led you to believe he’s seeking attn. elsewhere. You looked up your cell phone records and you can see that he’s having a load of conversations with HR at all hours of the night and on weekends. I would let him know I fully expect him to be the man he promised to be. And that all calls stop now.

And, now, sadly, he needs to earn your trust back.

My heart breaks for you. Assuming he hasn’t crossed any physical lines with this woman you can quickly get back on track. If he has, ball is in your court.

But I don’t believe in turning a blind eye to suspicious behaivior. It’s a slippery slope. You have the time, most likely, to stop him dead in his tracks. He will likely have to grasp what he has to lose. Wife, child, home, half his salary, etc. I personally would make the conversation very eye opening. But that is me. You must do what you’re comfortable doing.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

Or it could be a swan that was raised by ducks.
The viewing of hubby’s texts is disgusting and dishonest.
Wife should likely “upgrade” her own flirting skills - NOW.

DISAGREE with every cell in my body…as if love,real love, is dictated by “flirting.”

And she has every right to his cell phone, email…they are married.

This is primarily about him, until he stops his romance they can’t begin to work on marriage.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

As another poster has said, he may not even realize that his behavior is inappropriate so it may take you telling him how you feel for him to realize that. And don’t be afraid to turn the tables around. That tactic works on my relationship with my husband as well. He doesn’t usually see things until I have him place himself in my shoes. And as always, I think it can’t hurt to see a priest or maybe try going to marriage counseling together if at all possible. Good Luck & God Bless!

Does not realize…you are too charitable…not to argue with your post, but he knows, no way a sane, married man wouldn’t know, Catholic or not, plus he proved he knows how wrong his actions are b/c he erased texts.

 

[Debora123]

DISAGREE with every cell in my body…as if love,real love, is dictated by “flirting.”

And she has every right to his cell phone, email…they are married.

This is primarily about him, until he stops his romance they can’t begin to work on marriage.

 

[faithfully]

Does not realize…you are too charitable…not to argue with your post, but he knows, no way a sane, married man wouldn’t know, Catholic or not, plus he proved he knows how wrong his actions are b/c he erased texts.

Exactly, he wouldn’t be covering his tracks. Unless he deletes his entire in/out box. When he’s selectively deleting he knows exactly what he’s doing.

And I wouldn’t say it’s charitable to suggest a married man does not know he’s not to cheat in any fashion, or what constitutes cheating. If he doesn’t truly know, then he needs to learn. Yesterday!

 

[dedo]

I agree with confronting your husband. You both may also need some counseling so he can understand the consequences of his actions. You did nothing wrong.

People sometimes start down “slippery slopes” that lead to loss of intimacy, affairs, or worse.

The sooner this is stopped, the better.

 

[Serap]

Jesus would even agree that adultry includes an emotional affair. It’s just wrong.

Fess up and communicate with your husband. Let him know you’re on to him and you have concerns.

He hasn’t technically cheated yet (I believe), but work romance often begins with an emotional affair. Nip it in the bud.

I will pray for you ! I’m sure he loves you…correct his behaviour before it’s too late.

 

[cmscms]

Confronting him is not going to be conducive to trust for either of you.

The OPs trust has already been broken. Advising her not to confront her is a ‘carte blanche’ for him to continue his behaviour. In a marriage, she should be able to easily confront her husband, because he is NOT suppose to have to hide anything. He should know it is part of marriage

 

[cmscms]

Also, he seems to be very confortable texting and emailing, so maybe you could increase that aspect of your relationship again?

And somewhere along the line maybe mention about a case you heard similar to yours to maybe get him to think about what he is doing.

With all due respect, that sounds manipulative. Saying one thing (ie someone else’s husband is cheating) and hoping hubby will get the hint he is suppose to stop texting HR is NOT clear, open and honest communication. Chances are, hubby will not know why she is telling him that, probably think his wife wants to do girl talk not pay attention and then the OP will be frustrated that her husband did nothing about the texting

CM

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Jesus would even agree that adultry includes an emotional affair. It’s just wrong.
**
Fess up and communicate with your husband**. Let him know you’re on to him and you have concerns.

He hasn’t technically cheated yet (I believe), but work romance often begins with an emotional affair. **Nip it in the bud. **

I will pray for you ! I’m sure he loves you…correct his behaviour before it’s too late.

I am sure you didn’t intend this, but your post points to HER (the OP) as the initiator of stopping this emotional and possibly physical affair. It is up to her HUSBAND as the person who has done wrong, to “nip it in the bud,” which he obviously hasn’t done yet. She cannot “correct his behavior” - it’s going to be up to him to choose what he wants to do.

What I would advise is to discuss everything immediately, and tell him, “You decide. But I will not continue with you violating the trust of our relationship. If you will go to counseling, we might still have a chance. Otherwise, see ya.” Someone who would start this kind of stuff so soon after marrying, I don’t give a whole lot of hope that he’s going to stay true to her. Kicking him out would not mean I would necessarily divorce and apply for an annulment, but neither would I be cuckholded while he flirts with a co-worker.

Sorry to be so negative but the reality is that her husband is not considering himself to be a married man with a new baby.

 

[Serap]

I am sure you didn’t intend this, but your post points to HER (the OP) as the initiator of stopping this emotional and possibly physical affair. It is up to her HUSBAND as the person who has done wrong, to “nip it in the bud,” which he obviously hasn’t done yet. She cannot “correct his behavior” - it’s going to be up to him to choose what he wants to do.

What I would advise is to discuss everything immediately, and tell him, “You decide. But I will not continue with you violating the trust of our relationship. If you will go to counseling, we might still have a chance. Otherwise, see ya.” Someone who would start this kind of stuff so soon after marrying, I don’t give a whole lot of hope that he’s going to stay true to her. Kicking him out would not mean I would necessarily divorce and apply for an annulment, but neither would I be cuckholded while he flirts with a co-worker.

Sorry to be so negative but the reality is that her husband is not considering himself to be a married man with a new baby.

That’s not my intent at all. I am on board with all that you have written here.

But perhaps if he sees that he’s been busted and she won’t let it slip, it will correct his behaviour. It’s up to him.

 

[faithfully]

I am sure you didn’t intend this, but your post points to HER (the OP) as the initiator of stopping this emotional and possibly physical affair. It is up to her HUSBAND as the person who has done wrong, to “nip it in the bud,” which he obviously hasn’t done yet. She cannot “correct his behavior” - it’s going to be up to him to choose what he wants to do.

What I would advise is to discuss everything immediately, and tell him, “You decide. But I will not continue with you violating the trust of our relationship. If you will go to counseling, we might still have a chance. Otherwise, see ya.” Someone who would start this kind of stuff so soon after marrying, I don’t give a whole lot of hope that he’s going to stay true to her. Kicking him out would not mean I would necessarily divorce and apply for an annulment, but neither would I be cuckholded while he flirts with a co-worker.

Sorry to be so negative but the reality is that her husband is not considering himself to be a married man with a new baby.

I agree with you the husband has to do the actual nipping, and correcting of behavior.

I imagine at the moment he doesn’t want to as he’s getting away with it. Many men like to eat their cake (women too).

I pretty much recommended the samething. I think he OP should let him know that he knows… Get the ball rolling towards him stopping this behavior.

Like I said above, I’d be very convincing about all he has to lose. I’m pretty human in this arena. I’d make sure every time this guy looked at the other woman all he would see is the person that puts his etire life, here and ever after at risk and miserable.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Where there is smoke, there is fire.

So true.

I would insist the texts and communication stop except during business hours and only on professional and job related topics. He’s married to you and you should be his priority. If he doesn’t stop I would be gone. I’m not married though have seen a lot of friends go through the same thing. They are now all divorced. I would give him a chance to make things right. Weather its’ gone beyond texts is not material in the fact that it sounds like he’s having an emotional affair at best and a full blown affair at worst. To me either is just as bad. You should be the only one he is emotionally intimate with. Trust your gut.

 

[The_Bucket]

As a man I have to say, you’ve got to confront it. Head on. In his face. Not accusatory, just blunt and sad. Because it’s clear from your posts that you’re not enraged, you’re sad and upset. I highly doubt that innocent texts with female co-workers would be deleted or that such conversations would take place at 2 or 3am.

The staying out late in general? Yeah that’s not a big deal to me. Gotta connect with people outside your circle sometimes. But that doesn’t include in person flirting with another woman if you’re a married man. I think you can hang out with a woman, even a single woman, as a married man once in awhile. She can be a “buddy” from time to time. But I don’t text my buddies at 2am and delete the evidence.

Speaking as someone who has struggled with other sins of purity (hopefully to remain well in the past), I have to say that getting involved with other people real or virtual never crossed my mind even when those temptations got the best of me. My issue was a deep shame and feeling of worthlessness.

But that’s not the case for everyone. Many, many others have built up an insane arrogance about themselves and feel untouchable. They have started there or with flirting or other things and then slid into incredibly deep hells that disfigured their souls and destroyed marriages. You are doing not only yourself, your child and your marriage a favor but your husband a favor by laying it on the line.