Husband had a "happy ending" massage & don't know what to do

  • Thread starter Thread starter Goodness
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
G

Goodness

Guest
It was almost two years ago and came out as the result of marital counseling. Also around that time he had kissed and pursued another woman for a short time, this was the reason we began marital counseling, because he had lied so much to cover this story and I believed there was more he was not telling me. Well, I was right. I just did not expect this. I acknowledge there could still be more he hasn’t told me.

He seemed genuinely upset and remorseful about it, I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel there should be consequences for his actions or it will happen again even if he is remorseful now. Anyone with experience in this sort of thing?

We have a large family. I do have resources, I have been anticipating something coming out like this for a while and was prepared to show “tough love” if needed, even leaving for a period of time. I don’t know if that is warranted now because he is showing remorse. I want to handle this properly now for the best spiritual outcome for all.

Goodness
 
I’m so sorry.

I have little wisdom to offer except to say that you should be careful to avoid a punitive attitude. There will be natural consequences to his actions, for that is just in the way of things, but be careful about trying to artificially create “consequences”. You are his wife, not his mother. It is not your job to teach him, and you can lay down that heavy burden in his regard.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t be hurt or angry, for of course you are.

I hope that others will be able to help you more.
 
Sorry… Does this mean he had intercourse with a masseuse after a massage? How would that even work??
 
Goodness said:
It was almost two years ago and came out as the result of marital counseling. Also around that time he had kissed and pursued another woman for a short time, this was the reason we began marital counseling, because he had lied so much to cover this story and I believed there was more he was not telling me. Well, I was right. I just did not expect this. I acknowledge there could still be more he hasn’t told me.

He seemed genuinely upset and remorseful about it, I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel there should be consequences for his actions or it will happen again even if he is remorseful now. Anyone with experience in this sort of thing?

We have a large family. I do have resources, I have been anticipating something coming out like this for a while and was prepared to show “tough love” if needed, even leaving for a period of time. I don’t know if that is warranted now because he is showing remorse. I want to handle this properly now for the best spiritual outcome for all.

Goodness
Click to expand...
Be careful to avoid trying to punish him, it will surely drive him away and compound your problems. Remember always that vengeance is the Lords alone. What you need to do now is to forgive him as you hope to be forgiven your sins.
 
JackieMom said:
Sorry… Does this mean he had intercourse with a masseuse after a massage? How would that even work??
Click to expand...
It probably means massaged to the point of arousal and ejaculation, not intercourse.

So sorry OP. I have no advice other than seeing a Catholic Counselor. I agree it is not your “job” to set up consequences. However, you may need some advice in how to deal with any natural consequences that may arise. If you don’t work through your own feelings, you may slowly start sabotaging your marriage - death by a thousand cuts.

For some of us, I’m sorry to say this would be a deal-breaker but it varies from person to person.

And it sure sounds like the trust is gone, and you are in a state of waiting for the other shoe to fall. Who could blame you?
 
Goodness said:
He seemed genuinely upset and remorseful about it, I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel there should be consequences for his actions or it will happen again even if he is remorseful now. Anyone with experience in this sort of thing?
Click to expand...
My parents are divorce, so I’m not sure if that counts as experience.

First off, you have my deepest sympathy. 😦

There will be consequences. He violated your trust, so it’s reasonable that you are going to have issues with that, and that will be punishment for awhile. If he is truly sorry and loves you, I think he will understand that.

I think the best thing to do is communicate with your husband. Communicate how it made you feel, and how your trust has been violated, and pray for healing.

It all comes down to what you feel is right. I’m not in your position, and I’m not you so I cannot say.

Personally, I don’t think I could have handled myself as well as you in this situation.
Inego_de_Loyola said:
Many brothels disguise themselves as massage parlors.
Click to expand...
It sad that they do that. I hope I never have to experience one of those kinds of massage parlors, if any even suggest it that will be the last time they get business from me.
 
My greatest sympathy. I understand you must feel hurt and violated as said by other members here. I completely agree that you should not look towards punishing him as God will be aware of his sinful nature and will be judged accordingly. What we must remember, although its difficult, is to forgive. This world is filled with too much hatred and bitterness and we need to actually remember that God wished for us to love and forgive one another like he has loved and forgiven us.

Colossians 3 comes to mind here;
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
Click to expand...
For the wrongdoer will be paid back for whatever wrong has been done, and there is no partiality.
Click to expand...
 
It was massage to ejaculation, not intercourse. Infidelity just the same. Coupled with the lies of trying to get to the bottom of the kissing situation that I knew about, this just add more fuel to the fire. I have asked him repeatedly over the last almost two years if there was more to the kissing story, and eventually turned to asking him if it was someone else all together. He told me everything was out in the open multiple times. I did tell him if it was not that I don’t know how I would handle it and that it would be worse and he continued to insist he had told me everything. He lied!

What I want is the best spiritual outcome and I need to see changes to know that is happening. We are under the guidance of Catholic counseling and will proceed with consequences in a cautious way, as a loving spouse guided by prayer and the Holy Spirit. I know it is not my job to judge but do feel a responsibility toward my spouse and his soul to help him, and our marriage, be who and what God intended it to be. I know it cannot be forced and has to be of his own free will, but his continued lies over such a long period of time speak volumes as to where his heart is. We all know who the father of lies is. Even as recently as within the last week he told me everything was out in the open, and now he tells me this. Yes, I am praising God that he is opening up to me more, and trying to accept all of this as Gods timing and not mine.

Thank you all for your replies, and as you can see I am still perplexed on what to do, so more replies are welcome! Praying for now.

Goodness
 
Kensho said:
I’m so sorry.

I have little wisdom to offer except to say that you should be careful to avoid a punitive attitude. There will be natural consequences to his actions, for that is just in the way of things, but be careful about trying to artificially create “consequences”. You are his wife, not his mother. It is not your job to teach him, and you can lay down that heavy burden in his regard.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t be hurt or angry, for of course you are.

I hope that others will be able to help you more.
Click to expand...
Bingo. He’s not a little boy that needs to be punished. And if you treat him that way it may backfire. You need to work on letting him know how hurt you are and do counseling with a priest or catholic counselor. Otherwise it’s just punitive and not helpful.
 
wow that sounds very hurtful to you in what he did

it looks like he needs to find out why he gave in to his temptations and allowed him to stoop to that level and betray his wife

perhaps he may need to develop a prayer life and learn on how to combat this if he is truly sorry and remorseful and would like to amend the damage done

many people would leave in this type of situation so for you to work this out shows a lot of courage and bravery
 
I am so sorry for you. This would be a deal-breaker for me. It’s not even someone he cared about, just a random person. How do you fight against that? How can you ever know he won’t do something like that again should he so desire? I don’t think I could ever even LOOK at my husband again without disgust. I don’t know what to say except that in this case, I do not recommend just letting it go. That might even make it worse because he may assume you don’t even care at all. But I wouldn’t punish him just for the sake of it either if you are honestly able to move beyond this.

I wouldn’t throw myself on my sword for him just for his benefit though. I would be taking care of and protecting myself at this point. He lost his right to have you put his needs above your own when he went out and did what he did. I would be extremely wary a out ever trusting this person again. Not only did he do this thing, he’s been lying about it all along and is probably still hiding something. I would rather be alone forever than not be able to ever trust my husband again, but I don’t know about your kids and the impact this would have on them. A broken family is a very sad thing for children.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. 😦 prayers for you and your family.
 
Matthew 5:28 does not only apply to men. Be honest with yourself and forgive him.
 
If you can, please get yourself to a 12 step group. If you live in a large city, you will have a variety to choose from and can probably find one for co-dependents (I apologize for that offensive term, but that’s the going word for it right now); if not, try your local Al-Anon meeting. That’s for families of alcoholics, but you would probably find that you have the same sort of issues that they do and that your husband shares many similarities with alcoholics. It will be a godsend to you! It will help you learn to work on your own feelings and lay down the very, very heavy burden of trying to be responsible for another adult. That will not work – it will make things worse, for both him and for you.

Do not despair. Pray to St. Monica and take care of yourself.
 
Thank you again for the replies. I have decided to withhold intercourse for the time being, maybe rather than using the term consequence I should use the term boundary. He violated my trust in so many ways and I was told I knew all when I did not. I was tested for STDs in the spring and fall and would like to do that again and have my husband do that as well.

I like the ideas of the 12 step program and co dependancy program. I also want to go on the retreat mentioned, my counselor recommended that as well. I could definitely use support from Catholics who have been through this sort of thing.

I know that this would be a deal breaker for many. It challenges me to the core to go through this. Just dealing with the one incident I knew of that was him kissing and pursuing another woman was a lot. This massage parlor thing is brand new to me (yes this woman was a perfect stranger! A prostitute really!) although it happened within 2 months of the kissing business trip. It’s a lot for a person to go through, but I am thankful that we have counseling to help and look forward to more help in the future whether it’s support groups, meetings, retreats or all three. My faith could use some strengthening as I know that God will see me through but my prayer life has been struggling lately. Thank you again for those who have replied and I really hope someone can relate and maybe pm me if nothing else.

Goodness
 
Retrouvaille is a FULL weekend followed by six post sessions, each containing two sessions of two hours each (6X4 hours). After that there are Core groups for further help and support. The weekend will have two or three presenting couples who have been there (and worse) along with a priest. Although it is A Catholic program, there may be non Catholics attending and there will be no attempt to convert anyone. There will be a program near every major city, use the link I posted and enter your zip to find an online schedule. If your plan is to withhold sex, I’d get in sooner then later before more damage is done. I’ll be praying for both of you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top