Husband Has given up on God- what do I do now?

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JSB417

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Hello,
I am looking for advice. When my husband and I fell in love we were both believing practicing catholics. Fast forward 8 years of mostly happy marriage, 2 combat deployments on his part and 2 beautiful boys. Tragedy strikes and our youngest passed away from SIDS. We went through grief counseling as a couple and are doing well. However in the last few months my husband has become an atheist. He has said how angry he is with God, but then decided there must not be a god and that he must have been talking to himself all these years. I know that this is a normal response to this kind of tragedy, I have been in contact with a priest and we all continue to pray for him. I hope that eventually he will come around. I have told him that I will love him no matter what, and I will. But I am struggling with this, the man I married had a strong relationship with God. I just dont know how to handle this for now. I doubt myself through all of this. Has anyone ever been through this or something similar? Any advice would be welcome. As well as prayers for my husband to return to the Lord.:confused:
 
A big problem for most of us in general is that while we are primarily focused on maximizing our happiness in this life God is more concerned with our place in eternity.

When your husband finally stands before God at the end of his life he’ll have a chance to see what God saw. As one of many possible scenarios, suppose for example that later in life your son would’ve come under the influence of some bad friends, fallen into serious sin and been the only one in your family who didn’t make it to eternal happiness. But by God’s mercy your whole family will now one day be reunited and happy together forever. Your husband would then understand that God was acting with love and kindness. With tears in his eyes he’ll thank God and bless his holy name. He’ll be ashamed of his rebellion on earth and will wish he had better understood the heart of God during his life.

No matter what happens in this life, we have to trust that God is acting with love and mercy.

“Although he should kill me, I will trust in him…” (Jb 13:15, DRV)

I’ll definitely pray for your husband. God bless.
 
As a former Army Sergeant, I only say this when I feel it applies: Get him out of the military now!

I’m assuming this tragedy occurred relatively recently. If so, your husband is eligible for an honorable discharge for reasons of family hardship. Atheism is incompatible with military service, contrary to conventional wisdom, and his readiness will be diminished, making him a risk to those around him, or worse yet, a burden. This, in turn, will mean that he has less time for you and your other son.

Once your husband has a regular job, he can focus on his own healing to the level that he needs. This will be almost impossible to do if time and opportunity are not on his side.

I speak from personal experience. Losing a child leaves a permanent scar, and it can take years before you’re back to “normal”, or at least the way you were before. Bring him home. His faith will return when he has time for reflection. All you can do is be patient with him in the meanwhile. God bless.
 
No advice; just prayers :hug3:

O Most Blessed Mother,
heart of love,
heart of mercy,
ever listening,
caring, consoling,
hear our prayer.
As your children,
we implore your intercession
with Jesus your Son.
Receive with understanding and compassion
the petitions we place before you today,
especially this man who has lost his faith and their whole family on the loss on their child.

We are comforted in knowing your heart
is ever open to those who ask for your prayer.
We trust to your gentle care and intercession,
those whom we love
and who are sick
or lonely
or hurting.
Help all of us,
Holy Mother,
to bear our burdens in this life
until we may share eternal life
and peace with God forever.

Amen.
 
Sacred Heart of Jesus have mercy on this suffering family,
Lord please send your Holy Spirit to help heal their wounded hearts.

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy
Lord hear our prayers
 
JSB417 said:
Hello,
I am looking for advice. When my husband and I fell in love we were both believing practicing catholics. Fast forward 8 years of mostly happy marriage, 2 combat deployments on his part and 2 beautiful boys. Tragedy strikes and our youngest passed away from SIDS. We went through grief counseling as a couple and are doing well. However in the last few months my husband has become an atheist. He has said how angry he is with God, but then decided there must not be a god and that he must have been talking to himself all these years. I know that this is a normal response to this kind of tragedy, I have been in contact with a priest and we all continue to pray for him. I hope that eventually he will come around. I have told him that I will love him no matter what, and I will. But I am struggling with this, the man I married had a strong relationship with God. I just dont know how to handle this for now. I doubt myself through all of this. Has anyone ever been through this or something similar? Any advice would be welcome. As well as prayers for my husband to return to the Lord.:confused:
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With all due respect, I think your husband is confused. How can he be angry at God if he doesn’t believe that God exists?

I’m betting that he still believes in God; at least in the sense that God exists. Your husband is just angry at Him over the loss of your son. Just continue to pray for him and let him work this out for himself in his own good time. I’m sure he’ll come around.

My 2-cents
 
Thank you all for the prayers, and kind words. Please keep us in your prayers.
 
ahollars said:
I’m assuming this tragedy occurred relatively recently. If so, your husband is eligible for an honorable discharge for reasons of family hardship. Atheism is incompatible with military service, contrary to conventional wisdom, and his readiness will be diminished, making him a risk to those around him, or worse yet, a burden. This, in turn, will mean that he has less time for you and your other son.
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Let’s show respect to all of the people who serve our country regardless of their religious beliefs. There are many atheists in the military, in every branch and at every rank, who serve faithfully and serve well. They are not risks or burdens.

That said, I agree he needs to get out. His family has been through so much and military life can be so stressful. However, depending on their family circumstances it maybe hard for him to do so. If he hasn’t put in his 20 years he may struggle with feeling like what he did do was a waste, or even feel like he is failing himself and his family. The wife will also need to be prepared to be a breadwinner. If her husband’s job doesn’t transfer well in to civilian life he may not be very employable, at least at first, that will change if he takes advantage of his GI Bill, but that takes time and sacrifice too.

Whatever you decide make sure that you work together and are on the same page.
 
His military career really isnt a problem for us. He is on track for a successful career and because of an injury no longer faces a dangerous deployment. He has moved over into a more administrative role so his job isnt any more stressful than a civilian job in his field would be. That area isnt really what I am looking for guidance wise. We love military life. I appreciate everyones responses. I am more curious if anyone has had their partner drastically change the way they feel about their faith and how they handled it. He is a devoted Husband and Father to our son. Its his beliefs that have changed. Im just unsure how to handle that. Thanks everone. God Bless.
 
JSB417 said:
His military career really isnt a problem for us. He is on track for a successful career and because of an injury no longer faces a dangerous deployment. He has moved over into a more administrative role so his job isnt any more stressful than a civilian job in his field would be. That area isnt really what I am looking for guidance wise. We love military life. I appreciate everyones responses. I am more curious if anyone has had their partner drastically change the way they feel about their faith and how they handled it. He is a devoted Husband and Father to our son. Its his beliefs that have changed. Im just unsure how to handle that. Thanks everone. God Bless.
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I apologize. I only suggested it because if his job/military lifestyle was particularly stressful, or if his assigned location kept you away from your family’s support system, getting out and moving back home to a slower paced life may allow him to relax and get back to his old self. Sometimes continued stress after a tragedy does lead to serious changes in a person, such as a religious conversion, a midlife crisis, substance abuse, divorce or sudden marriage, etc.
 
No apology necessary, I really appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone.
 
I think you answered your own question when you told your husband that you will love him no matter what. That is how God loves us.

Your husband is too angry and sad to believe in a God he cannot see. But maybe he will believe in the Godly love of a wife he can see.

Just stay close to God and keep loving your husband the way you have been. And pray of course. It may take a long time, but I think he will come back around.
 
The same thing happened to me. My husband was a devout Catholic when I married him and is now agnostic. I think some of it had to do with our terrible experience with NFP, but it might have happened anyway. He said when he was younger he was more likely to accept things without absolute proof, but now he would need absolute concrete evidence to believe.

It makes me angry that I NEVER hear this situation discussed. Can it really be that rare?? In marriage prep, all the emphasis is being on the same page about everything before you get married. No one ever mentions the possibility that one of you could change their minds about something fundamental later on.

There’s a book called “Together but Alone” by Donna Erickson Couch which was helpful to me. There’s another book called “The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur” which is the diary of a devout Catholic french woman who was married to an athiest. He ended up converting to Catholicism after her death. There are also several protestant books out there about being married to someone who doesn’t share your faith.

To be honest, I’m not sure exactly how to deal with this. I am still trying to figure it out. Nothing in marriage prep or dating prepares you for something like this. The only advice I have right now is to not try to convert him or push religion on him, and just pray for him. Pray to St. Monica (my favorite saint). Also, make sure you know your faith very well so you can answer any questions your kids have. And don’t assume he will come back to the faith. He might, but he might not.
 
I just wanted to update everyone, thank you for your prayers God has heard them and lead my husband back to the church! We recently moved and after we had settled in my husband said that he wanted to start attending mass again! We have been going weekly and have started our son in RE. He admitted that it was anger he had to work through and is now doing well!I am so relieved that he found his way home!! 🙂
 
I’m glad to hear he is sorting things out.

While I have not had to endure an experience similar to yours, ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’ by Rabbi Harold Kushner was helpful to my own life struggles.
 
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