Husband having affair

[BEattitude]

Hi everyone! I am new to these forums, so I appreciate your thoughts. I just discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone he hardly knows. I am so shocked that he would do this that I dont even know what to say to him. How can someone “fall in love” with someone they just met? This has been going on for about a month, however he admitted that it started only a week after she was hired. I am afraid to go to his boss for fear that they both may get fired! Whats a wife supposed to do in this case?

 

[Darrel]

I’m sorry to hear about about this very painful news. I’m not sure from what you have typed here if you have spoken to him about it yet. I doubt going to his boss is going to do much except make his boss uncomfortable. Unless he was having sex in the office it’s none of his companies business and they would avoid involvement.

Maybe the best thing to do is to talk with him. The truth needs to come out as to what and why. Then you need to decide if there can be forgivness and reconciliation or not. Most of all pray pray pray. Maybe speak to a Priest.

-D

 

[Della]

Hi everyone! I am new to these forums, so I appreciate your thoughts. I just discovered that my husband was having an affair with someone he hardly knows. I am so shocked that he would do this that I dont even know what to say to him. How can someone “fall in love” with someone they just met? This has been going on for about a month, however he admitted that it started only a week after she was hired. I am afraid to go to his boss for fear that they both may get fired! Whats a wife supposed to do in this case?

There are so many factors in your situation (your husband’s age, how good your relationship has been up until the affair, if you are both practicing your Catholic faith *, etc) that we cannot know (and which are frankly none of our business) that it’s hard to advise you, especially on a public forum.

All things being equal, though, I’d tell your husband that you and he are going to counseling to someone reliable and who will not discount your faith. There’s a reason(s) he did this, and both you and he need to know why in order to forgive, forget, and move on.

You have my sympathies and my prayers.*

 

[buffalo]

Remember this: Studies show couples that work through their problems, after 5 years are happy again in their marriage. Those that separate or divorce are not.

 

[BEattitude]

I guess I am just trying to make sense of it all. I wonder how a man can just forget about his wife while he is with another woman. Also, he seems to be compartmentalizing these areas in his life. Doesnt that almost seem sociopathic? I probably would have never found out except for the fact that his coworker and friend told me. When I confronted him, he admitted it. I have not approached him with any ultimatums or anything. I guess I was just curious to see if a grown man can just up and off when another woman is around and then come home and pretend there is nothing wrong?? This seems so out of character for him. I was just wondering if anyone has experience with this kind of a person.

 

[Allweather]

I do have experience “with this kind of a person.” In fact, I have been “this kind of a person” myself during a good part of my life. I would say that the typical unregenerate modern man is given over to a mindset, the opinion of which is that men are, by nature, always on the hunt for other women. They will take some of this from the example of nature, in which many, of not most, species have the male mating with every willing female, while the females are mostly interested in nest-building. These men will usually claim that they are unable to control their sexual impulses, as they are built-in, by God, and that to live contrary to these impulses is to deny the design, and to frustrate the apparatus. So, yes, it is not only possible for a man to go from woman to woman in brief sexual encounters, it is in fact the most common behavior for unregenerate modern man. Still, it isn’t likely that he is having no guilt. I always had very much guilt. After a sexual encounter, and even during it, I would think about my wife, and feel terrible. I would find ways to deal with this guilt that didn’t include contrition, or ending my philandering ways to become faithful to my vows. It was only years after my marriage ended that I realized what I had done.

 

[wcknight]

Some will say it’s a guy thing, but that’s only an initial impulse, some of us guys do a better job of controlling our intial impulses or we are lucky enough not to be as easily turned around. OR we are not as sexually appealing to the opposite sex .

I think a guy makes a determination that he will or will not be open to such urges, sometimes as early as when they are dating or when they first get married. Some guys take their marriage vows dead seriously, no amount of temptation will ever deter them. Some probably don’t think much of it, they will be faithful IF no one tempting comes along. And some probably intend to remain faithful but are only half heartedly committed.

I guess you need to determine how important your marriage is to you and how important your marriage is to your husband. IF it is very important to both of you as it should be, then this floozie has to go and pronto and permanently, no last date, no last kiss, no more conversations if possible. The affair has to stop cold turkey. Your husband should have as little to do with her as possible, maybe even to the point of her or him switching jobs.

Then it’s up to you whether or not you can or even should forgive him. He needs to re-earn your trust, and you shouldn’t just have to take his word for it. He needs to prove it to you that he can be trusted again. Only a long time and continued faithful behavior can prove it. Personally, I don’t see how you can ever NOT be suspicious of him again.

For a while you will have to verify that what he says is true, when he goes somewhere or to some event, you may need to check that that is indeed the case. Maybe you can get one of the GPS phone and have him tracked 24/7, maybe get him a chastity belt. :whacky: It is a horrible situation to be in, but he has to regain the trust he destroyed by cheating, and that may be an impossible task…

 

[marybee]

Beattitude-
Not too long ago I would have agreed that this is Sociopathic, but I have met good people who had affairs or at least wanted to have affairs. I think that people have affairs for emotional reasons more so than the physical aspects of it. The fact that he can, as you put it, “fall in love” with someone sounds like an infatuation more than anything. I think that if he spent enough time away from her he wouldnt even remember what he saw in her. A lot of people have affairs and work it out within the marriage. I dont understand how men can “bed hop” so easily. Hang in there! He will eventually come to his senses and realize what an idiot he was for doing that!
And tell him to find a new job!!

 

[estesbob]

Some will say it’s a guy thing, but that’s only an initial impulse, some of us guys do a better job of controlling our intial impulses or we are lucky enough not to be as easily turned around. OR we are not as sexually appealing to the opposite sex .

I think a guy makes a determination that he will or will not be open to such urges, sometimes as early as when they are dating or when they first get married. Some guys take their marriage vows dead seriously, no amount of temptation will ever deter them. Some probably don’t think much of it, they will be faithful IF no one tempting comes along. And some probably intend to remain faithful but are only half heartedly committed.

I guess you need to determine how important your marriage is to you and how important your marriage is to your husband. IF it is very important to both of you as it should be, then this floozie has to go and pronto and permanently, no last date, no last kiss, no more conversations if possible. The affair has to stop cold turkey. Your husband should have as little to do with her as possible, maybe even to the point of her or him switching jobs.

Then it’s up to you whether or not you can or even should forgive him. He needs to re-earn your trust, and you shouldn’t just have to take his word for it. He needs to prove it to you that he can be trusted again. Only a long time and continued faithful behavior can prove it. Personally, I don’t see how you can ever NOT be suspicious of him again.

For a while you will have to verify that what he says is true, when he goes somewhere or to some event, you may need to check that that is indeed the case. Maybe you can get one of the GPS phone and have him tracked 24/7, maybe get him a chastity belt. :whacky: It is a horrible situation to be in, but he has to regain the trust he destroyed by cheating, and that may be an impossible task…

Excellent Advice.

 

[1ke]

Ask your husband to get tested for STDs immediately, and then suggest you go to counseling together (call your parish and get a referral to a CATHOLIC counselor)-- try to find out if there is Retrouvaille in your area, which is for marriages in trouble.

I will suggest the book “His Needs, Her Needs” which might give you some insight into how this sort of affair can happen in marriages.

If you are both willing to work it out, then I’m sure that you can with God’s grace.

 

[Katie1723]

… How can someone “fall in love” with someone they just met? …?

There is a difference between “having sex” and “making love”
He was/is “having sex”. If I were you, until things were straightened out one way or another, he’d be sleeping in another room.
Kathy

 

[AndyF]

BEattitude:

You are being faced with one of the most difficult challenges to a marriage. As adults, sexual temptations to both couples are unrelenting, and sometimes it may seem opportunistic to get even. This usually ends up in a domino effect, with the marriage on a downward spiral to failure.

You have recourse to divorce, as Christ made the exception that lewd conduct is the only valid reason for divorce. But you both have an obligation to try to work it out. If you were to seek annulment, then counseling would be recommended anyway.

Going to his boss solves nothing, and may bring unforseen repercussions to the family. I know you may not agree, but keeping this within the family at your end is an obligation. Resist vendetta retributions. While there is still a family/marriage you need to uphold it’s dignity as a Sanctified unit. Difficult though it may be, you need to speak well of your husband behind his back as he should for you as well. To everyone else, your family’s personal problems are yours only, except to those you deem are an assistance to keeping it intact of course. Avoid negative people.

Although the secular world offers the easy way out as it does in this throw away generation, I would suggest that you reconsider, and take some time out to evaluate the benefits of your marriage. Is there a strong love in your marriage, or at least a remnant that could be rekindled? Do you have children? The sake of the children will make it a necessity that you give the marriage a few tries, as they have a right to have a live-in father. Is he remorseful and willing to put this mistake behind him?

I would say that you key your effort on his willingness to bring himself out of this mess. If he makes sincere gestures of affection or expresses his remorse, then respond to them, be receptive and leave the door open to forgiveness. Give him indicators that you consider this an error. Avoid argument and encourage problem solving discussion. If you find it starting to get heated, then timeout and start again later.

If you both agree, start new. Remember the things that brought you togeather and re-live them. Go out for candlelite suppers, whatever it was that will help rekindle that love. Seek that spark that was there when you were both at the altar. Ask Jesus to help you both. Both go to confession, go to mass and start new. This way you will both receive grace to help in this problem.

Good luck.

AndyF

 

[wcknight]

I agree with AndyF’s advice as well. Don’t let the marriage die if it has any real chance of recovering. Your husband needs to be really sincere in getting rid of this affair and 110% committed to not have another down the road.

The sad thing is that he may not be ready to make that commitment yet. Just saying sorry is not be enough to patch up a marriage. Sometimes it takes years to recover from this sort of thing. And IF he can not break off this affair OR he is not willing to permanently swear off other women, the marriage is a lost cause.

You need to be able to accurately judge his character, sincerity and determination from this point on. He has already shown that he can not be trusted once, he now has the difficult task of re-earning your trust, by being faithful to a renewal of his vows. Personnally I would make him swear on a stack of Bibles (maybe even sign a recommitment agreement- he gives up everything if he ever cheats agaon), BUT as RR said, trust BUT VERIFY !!

He is in the dog house with short leash and he needs to work his way out. He needs to prove from this point on that he is not cheating. He has lost any measure of trust he had before. You should be able to check on him randomly without him saying a word about it in protest. Personnally I would not trust him a bit for at least a few years.

It is not a very nice position to be in but he brought it on himself.