Husband ignores requests about his appearance

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revertgirl

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We haven’t always had the easiest road in our marriage (as former posts will illustrate), but we’ve been going stronger than ever for a couple of years now after counseling and hard work. There are still some kinks and much growing to do but I wanted to get feedback on the following:

It might sound really silly but it’s getting on my nerves. My husband has let his appearance go. He gets awful haircuts. I’ve encouraged him to go to a proper men’s barber shop but he likes going to a chain salon where they always do an awful job. I’ve let him know my feelings but he doesn’t seem to care about my opinion and continues to go to the same place.

He also has a lot of skin tags all over his neck. When we first got married, there was 1 or 2 but now there are at least a dozen. He wears a gold chain necklace that is likely causing them due to friction/chafing. If it was my neck, I’d have them removed because they’re multiplying and are unsightly. I’ve told him how I feel and have asked him to see his doctor about getting them removed. He won’t.

I know that we’re both going to grow old and will lose our looks or could end up maimed and disfigured in an accident and we’d still be called to love and faithfulness as long as we both shall live. I get it. But if you have the capacity to make yourself your best self while you still can–why wouldn’t you? Especially if it matters to your spouse. If my husband told me that something about my appearance or body was bothersome, I’d do everything in my power to fix it (within reason). I’m annoyed that he doesn’t care how I feel about it. Fyi…we are in our 30s w/kids and have been married for almost 10 yrs.
 
You are right, it does sound silly. If you want us to refer back to your other threads, you have more serious issues than haircuts and skin tags. Yes, I agree with the poster that said you are being shallow. You have told your husband how you feel and he has done nothing, so let it go.
 
Xystus said:
you sound a bit shallow.

:twocents:
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I disagree. I don’t think making reasonable adjustments to your appearance for your spouse is a huge deal. It almost speaks to a lack of respect for her; if he is not willing to do very basic things to try to look his best for her. I think spouses have a reciprocal obligation to try to maintain their appearance for each other. Again, within reason. Hitting the gym regularly and practicing good hygiene are reasonable requests. Demanding your spouse look like an underwear model, not so much.
 
If there is room in the budget, and you made the appointments for him, would he go then? Sometimes that’s all that’s in the way: the hassle of scheduling and discomfort with the unfamiliar.

The hair thing might be shallow, I don’t know. The cheap chains around here are actually really good in general with men’s hair. And that’s a skill you could learn, too - I cut hair for all the menfolk in my home, and it costs me an hour and supplies to do four.

I’m definitely with the OP on skin tags, though. If insurance covers their removal, just go ahead and do it. It’s my understanding it’s a pretty simple procedure. But if the OP’s husband is like mine, that’s the kind of appointment I would have to schedule. He’d go, but would likely never remember to schedule it himself (much less research doctors, etc.)
 
This is where offering it up comes in 🙂

St Therese of Lisieux was really bothered by the noise another nun made with her beads as the convent prayed the rosary together, but she offered it up, and after a while, the sound became more of a pleasure.

You and your husband are getting old. Some people are inclined to skin tags (I have a bunch and I don’t wear any jewelry around my neck). But offer them up: I like to use the prayer “all for Thee dear Jesus, Who hast suffered so much for me,” because it reminds of what He went through for me, and it is always so much more than what I am suffering!

And maybe you could give him a certificate to a good stylist for his birthday…Sometimes people do not know what amdifference something like that can make. My friend talked me into dark-framed glasses instead of the wire frames I wanted, and the difference was astounding! But without her help, I’d be looking washed out in the glasses I wanted.
 
I think it is normal and natural to want to find our husbands attractive. You can’t help it if skin tags gross you out, I know I can’t. It is hard to be in the mood for intimacy when many things about your partner are a turn-off. My husband had a disgusting foot fungus to the point where skin was flaking off and it was literally no bother to him. I hinted at him going to the doctor but he was like nah, it’ll clear up. It got worse and getting into bed and sharing sheets with his feet made my stomach churn. I ended up making the doctor’s appointment for him and writing the date on the calendar. He went and got some cream and all was well.

My advice is to make the appointment for him and then see if he goes. I don’t know about the haircut. Don’t answer here, just ask these to yourself. Is he depressed? Are there other reasons you can think of as to why he doesn’t seem to be taking pride in his appearance? I know once my husband got down on himself about gaining weight, he spiraled down and cared much less than normal about other aspects of his appearance. But once he lost weight and started working out again, he started to take better care of himself overall - you know, shaving every day, cologne, regular haircuts, nice outfits, etc.
 
Complaints about haircuts and skin tags. Reason #83 why I will never get married.
 
revertgirl said:
We haven’t always had the easiest road in our marriage (as former posts will illustrate), but we’ve been going stronger than ever for a couple of years now after counseling and hard work. There are still some kinks and much growing to do but I wanted to get feedback on the following:

It might sound really silly but it’s getting on my nerves. My husband has let his appearance go. He gets awful haircuts. I’ve encouraged him to go to a proper men’s barber shop but he likes going to a chain salon where they always do an awful job. I’ve let him know my feelings but he doesn’t seem to care about my opinion and continues to go to the same place.

He also has a lot of skin tags all over his neck. When we first got married, there was 1 or 2 but now there are at least a dozen. He wears a gold chain necklace that is likely causing them due to friction/chafing. If it was my neck, I’d have them removed because they’re multiplying and are unsightly. I’ve told him how I feel and have asked him to see his doctor about getting them removed. He won’t.

I know that we’re both going to grow old and will lose our looks or could end up maimed and disfigured in an accident and we’d still be called to love and faithfulness as long as we both shall live. I get it. But if you have the capacity to make yourself your best self while you still can–why wouldn’t you? Especially if it matters to your spouse. If my husband told me that something about my appearance or body was bothersome, I’d do everything in my power to fix it (within reason). I’m annoyed that he doesn’t care how I feel about it. Fyi…we are in our 30s w/kids and have been married for almost 10 yrs.
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Let me write this from your husband’s hypothetical point of view:

"We haven’t always had the easiest road in our marriage (as former posts will illustrate), but we’ve been going stronger than ever for a couple of years now after counseling and hard work. There are still some kinks and much growing to do but I wanted to get feedback on the following:

It might sound really silly but it’s getting on my nerves. My wife cares about my appearance to excessive degree. So much so that she thinks my haircuts are awful and says “I’m letting my appearance go”. She “encourages” me to go to a “proper men’s barber shop”, which makes me feel like she doesn’t see me as being manly enough, but I like going to the chain salon because they get the job done and its cheap.

Saving money is so important in our household and yet, when it comes to haircuts, it’s the end of the world if I don’t want to spend $40 on essentially the same thing. She tells me her feelings and about how I don’t seem to care about her opinion, but she has it backwards. She doesn’t care about MY opinion. I like my haircuts. And that should be good enough.

Admittedly, I have a lot of skin tags around my neck. When we first got married, there were 1 or 2 but now there are at least a dozen. I do wear a gold chain necklace, which is probably what is causing them, but who can say? My wife tells me about how she “feels” about my skintags, and that I should go to a doctor and have them removed. I never thought somebody’s skintags were something you could “feel” a certain way about. It just seems to be a roundabout way of reminding me how unattractive I am to her. It hurts. I wouldn’t dream of telling her to have her cellulitis and back moles removed.

I just don’t know why it matters to her so much. Am I not good enough? Why does she make me feel worthless for having a skin condition? Why does she make me feel worthless just because she doesn’t like my haircuts? She talks about how it makes her feel, but does she ever stop to think about how her words and actions toward me, her life partner, make me feel?
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I disagree. I don’t think making reasonable adjustments to your appearance…
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The problem is the word “reasonable”. Reasonable is losing 100 pounds because you’re morbidly obese. Reasonable is having your teeth worked on because they’re as yellow as dandelions and a few are even decaying. A haircut, though? For ****'s sake, let the man be. Skin tags? Give me a break. How about this—and this is the same advice I’d give in reverse to a man about his wife—try making him feel wanted and attracted first, and then maybe he’ll start conforming to that and getting a better haircut.

I was a couple lbs overweight, not by much, though. You know what happened every time my girlfriend tried to “encourage” me about going to the gym? I shut the conversation down and went out to buy a soda and a candy bar. Why? Because what my girlfriend was really saying, but wasn’t hearing it herself, was, “You’re fat, you need to lose weight, you’re unattractive”. Why even try if that’s how that person already feels about you? And that soda and candy bar really do taste good after you’ve just been made to feel like **** about yourself.

Thankfully, I worked up the courage early on to explain why her approach was doing more harm than good, and she stopped. Instead, she offers me genuine praise on other aspects of my appearance that she appreciates. And guess who’s going to the gym now? This guy!

So for ****'s sake, lighten up. You’re being petty and you’re hurting your relationship.
 
I’ve been scanning through your older posts, OP, and I can see why this is bothering you. I’m glad that situations have improved. Can you ask him to tell you why he prefers the chain hairdressers, or doesn’t want to get rid of his skin tags? I think you should compromise on the hair, but I agree with you on the skin tags. Maybe try to encourage him positively rather than 'I don’t like X". Not that I’m saying you’re not, but maybe you need to focus on why he doesn’t want to go to a different hairdressers or the doctors instead of why you want him to.

Lou
 
MJDorry said:
Let me write this from your husband’s hypothetical point of view:

"We haven’t always had the easiest road in our marriage (as former posts will illustrate), but we’ve been going stronger than ever for a couple of years now after counseling and hard work. There are still some kinks and much growing to do but I wanted to get feedback on the following:

It might sound really silly but it’s getting on my nerves. My wife cares about my appearance to excessive degree. So much so that she thinks my haircuts are awful and says “I’m letting my appearance go”. She “encourages” me to go to a “proper men’s barber shop”, which makes me feel like she doesn’t see me as being manly enough, but I like going to the chain salon because they get the job done and its cheap.

Saving money is so important in our household and yet, when it comes to haircuts, it’s the end of the world if I don’t want to spend $40 on essentially the same thing. She tells me her feelings and about how I don’t seem to care about her opinion, but she has it backwards. She doesn’t care about MY opinion. I like my haircuts. And that should be good enough.

Admittedly, I have a lot of skin tags around my neck. When we first got married, there were 1 or 2 but now there are at least a dozen. I do wear a gold chain necklace, which is probably what is causing them, but who can say? My wife tells me about how she “feels” about my skintags, and that I should go to a doctor and have them removed. I never thought somebody’s skintags were something you could “feel” a certain way about. It just seems to be a roundabout way of reminding me how unattractive I am to her. It hurts. I wouldn’t dream of telling her to have her cellulitis and back moles removed.

I just don’t know why it matters to her so much. Am I not good enough? Why does she make me feel worthless for having a skin condition? Why does she make me feel worthless just because she doesn’t like my haircuts? She talks about how it makes her feel, but does she ever stop to think about how her words and actions toward me, her life partner, make me feel?
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Very well put. I agree. It would make me feel very sad if my husband were to say those things to me.
 
Missing the point entirely but can you just tie cotton thread around the base of skin tags until they drop off?
 
In all honesty, I’d be a little annoyed if my husband asked me to make,or even went out of his way to make, a doctor’s appointment for me for skin tags. I get them underneath my breasts, from my underwire. If he cares about having them removed,Just twist them to cut off blood supply and in 1-2 days they shrivel up and fall off, or tie a string around them. A doctors appointment, makes a very simple, less then 2 minute fix into a big ordeal. And regarding his hair cut, he must like his haircut and the place he goes too. To me it just sounds like this post is nitpicking imperfections
 
MJDorry said:
And guess who’s going to the gym now? This guy!

So for ****'s sake, lighten up. You’re being petty and you’re hurting your relationship.
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That’s great, glad to hear it.

And yeah, implicit in my advice is the idea that the OP should bring this stuff up in a gentle, loving way. No nagging or belittling him. But the 'just get over it, you’re being petty" response seems to me to be kind of a dangerous response. I could see one spouse adopting that line of reasoning to say, “Whatever, you’re stuck with me. I’m going to let myself go now that I’m married.” When you marry someone, you make a lifelong commitment of exclusivity. You are your spouse’s one and only. I think implicit in that commitment is the promise that you’ll take reasonable steps for their physical and sexual satisfaction. Obviously, there’s a line. I’m not suggesting a woman who has small breasts is obligated to go out and get breast augmentation. But if this guy has a bunch of skin tags on his neck and his hair looks like he cut it with lawn shears, it sounds to me like he’s taking his wife for granted and presuming that he doesn’t need to try to look nice for her anymore. I don’t think that’s the healthiest attitude.

Obviously, age and gravity comes for us all, and no one is going to look as good naked at 50 as they did at 20. But if you’re married I think you have an obligation to do reasonable things to look decent, and “spend more than $6 on a haircut” and “let’s remove some of these skin tags” seem to me to be pretty reasonable requests.
 
Irishmom2 said:
You are right, it does sound silly. If you want us to refer back to your other threads, you have more serious issues than haircuts and skin tags. Yes, I agree with the poster that said you are being shallow. You have told your husband how you feel and he has done nothing, so let it go.
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I also disagree. Skin tags while not pleasant to look at, can become infected or worse, cancerous. If the person is employed he or she will be judged, merited by appearance. There is also an underlying problem with the husband; self esteem. It is not necessarily vanity to care about your appearance and health. I pray for the problem to get resolved in a Christian manner. Peace.
 
Ditto about the skin tags - they should go.

But I think I’m in the minority about the haircuts. My husband’s haircuts are OK, but his clothes are awful. He used to dress nicely - even wore a suit & tie to mass. But now he’s turning into a slob. I’d like to be as proud to be seen with him as I used to, but now I just try to ignore it. And him, sometimes. 😦

I make a point to dress nicely in public. I used to be a slob at home (depression & poor health can do that) but now I take pains to look nice at home, too - just not dressy.

He’s not depressed & his health is good, so that’s not it. He says he’s being a good Franciscan because he isn’t buying clothes. :rolleyes:
 
Skin tags do not, IIUC, become cancer, nor are they a break in the skin. They are just projections of loose folds in the skin, often at the neck because head movement loosens our skin there.

I’ve never heard of neck chains causing them. I wear several and have never developed any, but not all necks are created equal.

ICXC NIKA
 
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