Husband ignores requests about his appearance

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Naskor said:
Here is a previous thread about this sort of thing: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=696311

Short answer, he has to live with it and not you so it is selfish to even as him such a thing.
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Don’t know if you’re talking to me or the OP, but I’ve got to look at him. And be seen in public with him.

And that link has to do with a girl cutting her hair shorter than the boy she’s “seeing” (dating? At any rate, not a spouse), not a husband who, for some reason, no longer cares how he looks.
 
pensmama87 said:
If there is room in the budget, and you made the appointments for him, would he go then? Sometimes that’s all that’s in the way: the hassle of scheduling and discomfort with the unfamiliar.

The hair thing might be shallow, I don’t know.** The cheap chains around here are actually really good in general with men’s hair. **And that’s a skill you could learn, too - I cut hair for all the menfolk in my home, and it costs me an hour and supplies to do four.

I’m definitely with the OP on skin tags, though. If insurance covers their removal, just go ahead and do it. It’s my understanding it’s a pretty simple procedure. But if the OP’s husband is like mine, that’s the kind of appointment I would have to schedule. He’d go, but would likely never remember to schedule it himself (much less research doctors, etc.)
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Yeah, he may just need to go to a different cheap chain for better results.
 
Yente: But, Mama, the men she finds… The last one was so old. And he was bald! He had no hair.

Mama: A poor girl without a dowry can’t be particular.
If you want hair, marry a monkey.

Yente: Even a poor girl has to look at her husband sometimes.

Mama: A husband is not to look at, a husband is to get.
Code: 
 -- Fiddler on the Roof
But seriously, I don’t know what a “good haircut” is for a man. They all look the same to me. Be glad he’s got some hair. What good is it going to do for you anyway?
If you want hair, marry a monkey. 🙂
 
MJDorry said:
Let me write this from your husband’s hypothetical point of view:

"We haven’t always had the easiest road in our marriage (as former posts will illustrate), but we’ve been going stronger than ever for a couple of years now after counseling and hard work. There are still some kinks and much growing to do but I wanted to get feedback on the following:

It might sound really silly but it’s getting on my nerves. My wife cares about my appearance to excessive degree. So much so that she thinks my haircuts are awful and says “I’m letting my appearance go”. She “encourages” me to go to a “proper men’s barber shop”, which makes me feel like she doesn’t see me as being manly enough, but I like going to the chain salon because they get the job done and its cheap.

**Saving money is so important in our household and yet, when it comes to haircuts, it’s the end of the world if I don’t want to spend $40 on essentially the same thing. **She tells me her feelings and about how I don’t seem to care about her opinion, but she has it backwards. She doesn’t care about MY opinion. I like my haircuts. And that should be good enough.

Admittedly, I have a lot of skin tags around my neck. When we first got married, there were 1 or 2 but now there are at least a dozen. I do wear a gold chain necklace, which is probably what is causing them, but who can say? My wife tells me about how she “feels” about my skintags, and that I should go to a doctor and have them removed.** I never thought somebody’s skintags were something you could “feel” a certain way about. **It just seems to be a roundabout way of reminding me how unattractive I am to her. It hurts. I wouldn’t dream of telling her to have her cellulitis and back moles removed.

I just don’t know why it matters to her so much. Am I not good enough? Why does she make me feel worthless for having a skin condition? Why does she make me feel worthless just because she doesn’t like my haircuts? She talks about how it makes her feel, but does she ever stop to think about how her words and actions toward me, her life partner, make me feel?
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Is it even possible to spend $40 on a barber shop haircut in the US? It must be possible somewhere, but I suspect we’re talking about half that.

It’s actually a really good idea to keep an eye on moles. (I know my mom had a lot of them zapped when I was a kid.)

I had never heard of cellulitis, but that sounds bad, too.

"Cellulitis (sel-u-LIE-tis) is a common, potentially serious bacterial skin infection. Cellulitis appears as a swollen, red area of skin that feels hot and tender. It can spread rapidly to other parts of the body. Cellulitis isn’t usually spread from person to person.

"Skin on lower legs is most commonly affected, though cellulitis can occur anywhere on your body or face. Cellulitis might affect only your skin’s surface. Or it might also affect tissues underlying your skin and can spread to your lymph nodes and bloodstream.

“Left untreated, the spreading infection can rapidly turn life-threatening.”

mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cellulitis/basics/definition/con-20023471

:eek:
 
MJDorry said:
The problem is the word “reasonable”. Reasonable is losing 100 pounds because you’re morbidly obese. Reasonable is having your teeth worked on because they’re as yellow as dandelions and a few are even decaying. A haircut, though? For ****'s sake, let the man be. Skin tags? Give me a break. How about this—and this is the same advice I’d give in reverse to a man about his wife—try making him feel wanted and attracted first, and then maybe he’ll start conforming to that and getting a better haircut.
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The thing about her requests is that unlike the “lose 100 pounds” idea, it is doable with relatively little effort.

He could go to a different hair place tomorrow and probably get the skin tags done within weeks.

I don’t really see a guy switching hair places without some nudging if he thinks it looks OK right now. (But, come to think of it, it may be that he can go to the same place but get different results if he asks them to do something different or gets a different hair stylist.)

It’s really playing with fire to be so cavalier about ignoring a wife’s requests to take care of basic personal grooming. How often do we hear, “waaah, waaah, waaah, my wife won’t have sex with me” from men? Really often. But this is what it looks like from the other side.
 
Xantippe said:
It’s really playing with fire to be so cavalier about ignoring a wife’s requests to take care of basic personal grooming. How often do we hear, “waaah, waaah, waaah, my wife won’t have sex with me” from men? Really often. But this is what it looks like from the other side.
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Yep. And the old advice to women is that we shouldn’t “let ourselves go.” Men shouldn’t either. There’s a certain amount of self-respect & respect for one’s spouse here.
 
Xantippe said:
Is it even possible to spend $40 on a barber shop haircut in the US? It must be possible somewhere, but I suspect we’re talking about half that.

It’s actually a really good idea to keep an eye on moles. (I know my mom had a lot of them zapped when I was a kid.)

I had never heard of cellulitis, but that sounds bad, too.

"Cellulitis (sel-u-LIE-tis) is a common, potentially serious bacterial skin infection. Cellulitis appears as a swollen, red area of skin that feels hot and tender. It can spread rapidly to other parts of the body. Cellulitis isn’t usually spread from person to person.

"Skin on lower legs is most commonly affected, though cellulitis can occur anywhere on your body or face. Cellulitis might affect only your skin’s surface. Or it might also affect tissues underlying your skin and can spread to your lymph nodes and bloodstream.

“Left untreated, the spreading infection can rapidly turn life-threatening.”

mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cellulitis/basics/definition/con-20023471

:eek:
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I think the earlier post meant “cellulite” rather than cellulitis.

Cellulite, IMS, consists of hypodermal fatty bumps on the body; while not much to look at, the condition is not harmful.

And yes, it would be possible to spend US$40 on a haircut. This would involve a hairstylist rather than a “barber” and would be more likely in CA or in the Atlantic states, where all prices are higher.

ICXC NIKA
 
Revert girl,

Going over your thread history, there are deep seated issues surrounding your marriage.
May I suggest a

Deep seated examination of if why what how who,

Regarding your marriage.

Then having an 1O0% honest conversation with your husband on the results.

No doubt he is having NQR feelings too, given the history.

Tell him what you have told us through all these threads.

May God guide you.

Cellulitis is a nasty bacterial infection that is extremely problematic to get on top of. It’s an illness. I have a horse who got it. Very nasty thing.
 
GEddie said:
I think the earlier post meant “cellulite” rather than cellulitis.

Cellulite, IMS, consists of hypodermal fatty bumps on the body; while not much to look at, the condition is not harmful.

And yes, it would be possible to spend US$40 on a haircut. This would involve a hairstylist rather than a “barber” and would be more likely in CA or in the Atlantic states, where all prices are higher.

ICXC NIKA
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Yeah, I can imagine there might be $40 barber shops, but only with hipster barbers.

I was wondering if he meant cellulite rather than cellulitis.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cellulite

“Cellulite is thought to occur in 80–90% of post-adolescent females. There appears to be a hormonal component to its presentation.** Its existence as a real disorder has been challenged and the prevailing medical opinion is that it is merely the “normal condition of many women”.** It is rarely seen in males, but is more common in males with androgen-deficient states, such as Klinefelter’s syndrome, hypogonadism, postcastration states and in those patients receiving estrogen therapy for prostate cancer.”

medicalnewstoday.com/articles/149465.php

“Numerous treatments available, but the effect is mostly temporary.”

“In women, the fat cells and connective tissue in this layer are arranged vertically.
If the fat cells protrude into the layer of skin, this gives the appearance of cellulite.
In men, the tissue has a criss-cross structure, which may explain why are less likely to have cellulite than women.”
 
I think the OP is being petty. I don’t like my husband’s haircuts either, but I don’t take them personally. It’s his hair. If he wants to go around looking like he was just released from prison, well whatever. I used to have skin tags under my armpits and the last person who opened their mouth about them was almost uninvited to my wedding. When I did get them removed, it was quite painful. They were essentially burned off with a hot filament.
 
Allegra said:
I think the OP is being petty. I don’t like my husband’s haircuts either, but I don’t take them personally. It’s his hair. If he wants to go around looking like he was just released from prison, well whatever. I used to have skin tags under my armpits and the last person who opened their mouth about them was almost uninvited to my wedding.** When I did get them removed, it was quite painful. They were essentially burned off with a hot filament.**
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That’s important information!

I think cosmetic changes that can be made painlessly are in a different category from painful ones.
 
Allegra said:
I think the OP is being petty. I don’t like my husband’s haircuts either, but I don’t take them personally. It’s his hair. If he wants to go around looking like he was just released from prison, well whatever. I used to have skin tags under my armpits and the last person who opened their mouth about them was almost uninvited to my wedding. When I did get them removed, it was quite painful. They were essentially burned off with a hot filament.
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Yikes! Yeah, my (apparently erroneous) assumption was that it was pretty painless.
 
MJDorry said:
It might sound really silly but it’s getting on my nerves. My wife cares about my appearance to excessive degree. So much so that she thinks my haircuts are awful and says “I’m letting my appearance go”. She “encourages” me to go to a “proper men’s barber shop”, which makes me feel like she doesn’t see me as being manly enough, but I like going to the chain salon because they get the job done and its cheap.

Saving money is so important in our household and yet, when it comes to haircuts, it’s the end of the world if I don’t want to spend $40 on essentially the same thing. She tells me her feelings and about how I don’t seem to care about her opinion, but she has it backwards. She doesn’t care about MY opinion. I like my haircuts. And that should be good enough.
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That was an interesting take on the haircut thing. It made me think on the bolded part, I wonder … usually those chain places have only female hair-cutters (I go to one because it’s cheap and they get the job done very quickly 🙂 ), but maybe you’re on to something - is revertgirl concerned because a woman is cutting his hair? I always assumed, “who better to figure out if this haircut looks good than a woman hair-cutter?” But the masculine thing is quite interesting also - maybe the thought that her husband is not doing the manly thing and going to the guys’ place is the problem?
I will leave it to revertgirl to consider, but I see dozens of guys in the chain places and their haircuts look pretty good to me, but what do I know? And what is revertgirl looking for in a man’s haircut? Is there a certain style that the men’s places do that the cheap ones don’t? I just find it a fascinating issue for her to be concerned about.
I’ll toss this out there also - perhaps nobody could tell the difference between the $40 cut and the $12 dollar cut - except when you tell them it was $40, then it’s “wow, nice haircut!” 🙂
 
Some clarification…

I am not asking him to go anywhere expensive. There are many inexpensive salons/barber shops in our area that charge less than he’s currently paying and do a waaaay better job. The difference is the place he goes leave him looking like they used a spade to cut his hair. I used to cut his hair but since we’ve had kids and given that I work and homeschool, there’s simply no time for me to do it.

Let me point out that I go well out of my way to look pleasing to him. I am essentially the same weight I was when we got married (I’ve had 2 kids). I get electrolysis so that I don’t have the mustache and unibrow that I would otherwise have. I exercise. I shave the important parts, make sure my hair and makeup look nice. I dress nicely. I’ve had unsightly moles removed with electrocautery. I’m not asking him to do anything that I wouldn’t or haven’t already had done myself.
 
revertgirl said:
Some clarification…

I am not asking him to go anywhere expensive. There are many inexpensive salons/barber shops in our area that charge less than he’s currently paying and do a waaaay better job. The difference is the place he goes leave him looking like they used a spade to cut his hair. I used to cut his hair but since we’ve had kids and given that I work and homeschool, there’s simply no time for me to do it.

Let me point out that I go well out of my way to look pleasing to him. I am essentially the same weight I was when we got married (I’ve had 2 kids). I get electrolysis so that I don’t have the mustache and unibrow that I would otherwise have. I exercise. I shave the important parts, make sure my hair and makeup look nice. I dress nicely. I’ve had unsightly moles removed with electrocautery. I’m not asking him to do anything that I wouldn’t or haven’t already had done myself.
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Maybe you married the kind of husband that doesn’t care about those things. My husband doesn’t care about those things. He loves me for who I am. He doesn’t care if I sprout a few hairs under my neck and I’ve never felt the need to wear makeup to impress him or anyone. He still says he thinks I’m beautiful. And although I’m not a fan of his haircut choices, he’s still himself when he gets it shorn off and I still love him. I don’t feel disrespected or unloved just because he wants to wear his hair in the way he feels comfortable. He doesn’t feel the same because I don’t want to put on clothing I find uncomfortable or smear gunk on my face. That’s just not how we roll.
 
Allegra said:
Maybe you married the kind of husband that doesn’t care about those things. My husband doesn’t care about those things. He loves me for who I am. He doesn’t care if I sprout a few hairs under my neck and I’ve never felt the need to wear makeup to impress him or anyone. He still says he thinks I’m beautiful. And although I’m not a fan of his haircut choices, he’s still himself when he gets it shorn off and I still love him. I don’t feel disrespected or unloved just because he wants to wear his hair in the way he feels comfortable. He doesn’t feel the same because I don’t want to put on clothing I find uncomfortable or smear gunk on my face. That’s just not how we roll.
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I think that given our history of difficulty, to me it’s symbolic of a lack of caring. Not making an effort has been a long-standing theme in our marriage. I feel offended by the adamant disregard for something (fairly small) that I’ve gently and respectfully requested of him. I think it might be easier to overlook some of these seemingly trivial things if he generally was more caring and responsive to my feelings and requests. I’m seeing that this probably goes a lot deeper than a haircut.
 
Allegra said:
Maybe you married the kind of husband that doesn’t care about those things. My husband doesn’t care about those things. He loves me for who I am. He doesn’t care if I sprout a few hairs under my neck and I’ve never felt the need to wear makeup to impress him or anyone. He still says he thinks I’m beautiful. And although I’m not a fan of his haircut choices, he’s still himself when he gets it shorn off and I still love him. I don’t feel disrespected or unloved just because he wants to wear his hair in the way he feels comfortable. He doesn’t feel the same because I don’t want to put on clothing I find uncomfortable or smear gunk on my face. That’s just not how we roll.
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Yes. There is a lot to be said for loving beyond appearances.
 
I have to add, skin tags can be a sign of a health condition. Diabetics get them, among others. When I started fasting occasionally, mine vanished.
Maybe ask him to mention them to his MD at his next health checkup. He does get health checkups, at least yearly, I hope. We all need our blood pressure, blood sugar, and heart rate checked annually. Encouraging him to visit his MD would be a loving act. Guys tend to put this off unless they are doubled up in pain.

.
 
Given your thread history, I’d say your marriage issues go far beyond who his barber is.
 
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