Husband ignores requests about his appearance

[Elena321]

I would consider using this as an opportunity to reflect on your own values and evaluating how much emphasis you place on appearances.
While it’s not ideal for a husband/wife to fully “let themselves go”, when we love them things like a lousy haircut usually don’t bother us to this degree.
I had a quick look at your other posts and it seems like you married quite young and went into marriage for the wrong reasons (feeling sorry etc).
My guess is that these other feelings are adding to your feelings about his appearance and that’s why it’s bothering you so much.
If we arn’t already coming from a place of love,harmony and attraction to the person,then it would be easy to become bothered by things such as harcuts/skin tags/other appearance issues.

At the same time,apart from the general marriage issues,I also wonder whether you do place a bit too much importance on appearance.
Everyday we are bombarded with superficial “worldly” messages about how important appearance is,people being valued according to their looks (or lack of),Instagram/magazines/celebs etc-these message are everywhere and it’s hard not to get sucked into it.
It’s a bit concerning that you state you would change something that your husband wasn’t happy with because where do we draw the line-eg-:facelift?
Or breast enlargement or lift for firmer breasts?
What if he really “wasn’t happy” with your nose or chin-would you consider changing them?

There’s nothing wrong with having some interest in external appearance but I get the sense that you are valuing it a bit too much.
I would work on your feelings towards your husband and weight up whether you can genuinly stay married to him or not and whether you feel you will be able to love him and I would also work on reducing emphasis on appearances a little because today it might be hair and skin tags but tomorrow it might be something more complex like his face sagging because this can sometimes happen to people even in their 30’s.

Good luck!

 

[egretps]

I might be wrong, but maybe you husband likes having a girl fuss over him at the salon. The ‘family’ hair care place that I go to well, this is what I see in the adult males coming in for a hair cut. The stylists fuss all over the men. “Sweetie I’ll be right with you.”

In a very loving way, and only in a loving way, encourage him to get a haircut with a barber.

A guy I used to work with spent more on his haircuts than I did, and he was struggling with money. He was a real looker too, and fretted over the costs of keeping up a haircut. Men’s haircuts are tricky and a bad cut can be grown out but who wants to wait?

I told him that my husband found a barber shop that KNEW men’s haircuts along with razors and beard care. Barber’s can cut women’s hair, but they are specialists in men’s cuts. It’s also a more frequent experience and at $20 including tip (My husband is generous) in today’s prices this is way better than the salon’s prices back then.

My co-worker started using a barber. He also started bringing his lunch when he saw that I did and I broke down the costs of buying everyday… Student loan debt might make some people rethink where to vote with dollars.

Skin tags? I don’t like my own. I snip 'em off every so often. My husband goes to the GP to get his removed. But they bother US. Some of mine get caught in my hair, and my husband’s get irritated. Maybe they don’t bother your husband. At all.

I think maybe you should find a really good patron saint just for this year. Like an extra one to help you navigate the trials that pop up. This year I’m reading St. Vincent de Sales because I need a little polished patience in my life.

 

[kptrs]

I see both sides of this. Appearance certainly isn’t the most important thing, but it also isn’t something that doesn’t matter at all. I think the line gets drawn when a spouse lets oneself “go” to the point that is unreasonable or unhealthy, and is well within their control. For example, not bathing for months at a time, complete disregard for basic dental hygiene, allowing facial hair to get out of hand, never trimming nails, showing up to a wedding or other formal event dressed in tattered jeans and an undershirt, etc. Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we have an obligation to keep the temple honorable and presentable.

That said, there are some things that are totally beyond anyone’s control. For instance, some people just cannot lose weight no matter how hard they try. Women’s bodies are never quite the same after childbirth. Some people are prone to having skin issues that can be unsightly.

I personally have tons of skin issues that make me highly self conscious. I desperately try to find clothes that adequately cover them and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t long for clear, smooth skin that would allow me to wear any kind of clothes and feel confident and good about my appearance. But there’s just no way. It’s expensive surgery that would just replace the ugly skin issues with uglier scars.

I once tried to cover my skin issues with makeup. My husband noticed and told me I’m beautiful just as I am. He even said, though it was my choice, that he preferred to see me without the skin makeup. If he ever came to me and asked me to do something about the issues, I would be so devastated. I can’t even begin to imagine the level of pain that would cause me, to have something I already hate about myself - that I so desperately want to change but can’t - pointed out by the person closest to me and implied that he’s not going to be okay with me until I find a way to change it.

I understand that’s not exactly what is going on with your husband, in that he has it in his power to get a different haircut easily. The skin tags are a little trickier, but keep in mind, as another poster said, it’s not guaranteed that the removal process is quick and painless.

Prayers for you and your husband.

 

[reggieM]

I might be wrong, but maybe you husband likes having a girl fuss over him at the salon. The ‘family’ hair care place that I go to well, this is what I see in the adult males coming in for a hair cut. The stylists fuss all over the men. “Sweetie I’ll be right with you.” .

I see that happening all the time at the place I go to. Good insight.
In fact, it goes beyond fussing at times to outright flirting (not with everyone).
But there’s a chance to chat-up a young woman, some quite attractive.

As for hubbie’s interest in saving money, I believe revertgirl said she was willing to cut his hair herself - so I can see a problem there on his part if he refuses that.

Just speculating on all of this, of course - but it’s a good thing for me to consider at the “family place” where I go. A man’s barber is a lot slower, more inconvenient, more uncomfortable and more expensive - but I can see it’s probably worth the trouble.

 

[reggieM]

The only “bad haircuts” I can think of is the 'prince valliant" cut. Or a bowl haircut.
Or I would think the old Mullet is a bad one.
Then again, I see young guys walking around with beautiful girls at their side with hair that looks like it has been used to dust under the bed that morning. Plus totally shaved heads, mixtures of punk-rock cuts and reggae braids. And any other absurd number of designs and styles. I guess those are “good”? And the old bowl haircut is not?

 

[Xantippe]

The only “bad haircuts” I can think of is the 'prince valliant" cut. Or a bowl haircut.
Or I would think the old Mullet is a bad one.
Then again, I see young guys walking around with beautiful girls at their side with hair that looks like it has been used to dust under the bed that morning. Plus totally shaved heads, mixtures of punk-rock cuts and reggae braids. And any other absurd number of designs and styles. I guess those are “good”? And the old bowl haircut is not?

Oddly enough, yes.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Oddly enough, yes.

I would die laughing if I saw an adult man with an actual bowl cut.

 

[pensmama87]

There is a really big disparity between the OP’s grooming and her husband’s. But the reason for that needs to be looked at. To me, the OP seems like she’s going beyond what would be typical. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, if she enjoys it, if it’s within the family budget, for example. But if the husband expects that level of grooming but isn’t willing to do the same, that’s a problem. If the OP is putting in that effort not because she wants to but to convince her husband to try harder, that would also be problematic, IMO.

 

[Monica4316]

I don’t know if you’ve done this, but what about just asking your husband why he likes the haircuts?

If he just has a different taste in haircuts, or if he no longer cares about how he looks, you’ll be able to probably tell from the reply.

If he no longer cares about how he looks, I think the reason is more important than the fact…

 

[Greenfields]

Missing the point entirely but can you just tie cotton thread around the base of skin tags until they drop off?

she’d have to catch him first
Sorry,I’m still laughing at the mental image …
Reading posts there’s very fair thoughts on both sides.Do we accept how the other is,or do we encourage them to work on a certain standard of appearance.Its making me think for sure. We need to feel good in ourselves to be taking good care,so perhaps the fellow in question ,may not be feeling well loved or life going smoothly

 

[Greenfields]

Maybe you married the kind of husband that doesn’t care about those things. My husband doesn’t care about those things. He loves me for who I am. He doesn’t care if I sprout a few hairs under my neck and I’ve never felt the need to wear makeup to impress him or anyone. He still says he thinks I’m beautiful. And although I’m not a fan of his haircut choices, he’s still himself when he gets it shorn off and I still love him. I don’t feel disrespected or unloved just because he wants to wear his hair in the way he feels comfortable. He doesn’t feel the same because I don’t want to put on clothing I find uncomfortable or smear gunk on my face. That’s just not how we roll.

I think that’s beautiful