Husband is addicted to porn

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I agree with the posters that say his porn addiction has NOTHING to do with you. It is an addiction and all the sex in the world would not help, with you or other women.
I get so tired of some people on this forum trying to blame the wife. Lets just make her feel worse than she already does shall we???
I know it is slightly different as sex involves 2 people and smoking does not, but my husband has a smoking addiction, is that my fault?
The thing with these kind of addictions, is they get worse. If he doesn’t get help, he will little by little do more things, be more adventurous, overstep the line just a little bit more.
Addictions like these fail to satisfy for long and they just keep looking for more things to give them that high.
It is all to do with his ‘distorted’ view of sex. If he is a catholic, get him to read Greg Popcak’s ‘For better forever’ and Christopher West’s ‘The good news about sex and marriage’
I know there are more books that people on these forums recommend, but these are a start.
He needs to realign his thinking. If he can think about sex the way God intended it may be a start to overcoming this addiction.
Our society, (I’m in Australia but I know it’s the same in most westernised countries) is saturated with sex, images of sex, women portrayed as objects and it is no wonder men fall prey to this. The messages are, ‘sex is for pleasure and that is a selfish pleasure and people should be able to have it whenever they want, with no strings attatched’.
It has become a pasttime, like going out for a movie, young people just ‘hook up’ for a night. It’s really so sad.
I understand you not wanting him in your bed. I wouldn’t either. He has been unfaithful to you and your vows and that would hurt.
I will pray for you, God bless
 
What helped me was when I was able to step back from those thoughts and just watch them pass on by without getting attached to them through my resentment and anger that they were even there. Your husbands resentment to these thoughts bound him even more to the power of these thoughts.

He must realise hes not his thoughts . Hes got to get out of his head .

Also prayer , you got to pray if you dont pray your kidding yourself if you think you can live the spiritual life.
 
Raine said:
Hello,

I am new to this website. I am thankful to find that this ministry exists. I am 30 years old, newly married, with no children. Last night I found out that my husband has been using porn-sites. I know that he had this problem in the past (before we were married) and always suspected that it may still be a problem. Last night my worst fears were confirmed.

To make matters worse, I also found that he was looking up escorts in the cities where he has business trips. **He says he hasn’t met with **anyone…but I don’t believe this. At the very least, I fear that it is just a matter of time.

I have no idea what to do. I was very firm with him when I found this out and told him in no uncertain terms that I will not stand for this in our house. He is a Christian man and he was literally on his knees begging for forgiveness. He knows he sinned against God and against our marriage. He has promised to seek help. He recognizes this is a sickness.

My question is: What can I do on my end to help this terrible situation and to help build a healthy marriage? I am praying constantly and will continue to pray for his strength to avoid temptation. I feel completely alone in all this because I do not want to share this terrible discovery about my husband with my family or friends. He is Catholic and very active in the church and open about his faith with family/friends. They would all be shocked to hear about this.

Thank you.
Jessica R.
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This sounds like you need to get checked for STDs my friends. Do that before you have kids. Peace. I will pray for you.
 
jules11 said:
I agree with the posters that say his porn addiction has NOTHING to do with you. It is an addiction and all the sex in the world would not help, with you or other women.
I get so tired of some people on this forum trying to blame the wife. Lets just make her feel worse than she already does shall we???
I know it is slightly different as sex involves 2 people and smoking does not, but my husband has a smoking addiction, is that my fault?
The thing with these kind of addictions, is they get worse. If he doesn’t get help, he will little by little do more things, be more adventurous, overstep the line just a little bit more.
Addictions like these fail to satisfy for long and they just keep looking for more things to give them that high.
It is all to do with his ‘distorted’ view of sex. If he is a catholic, get him to read Greg Popcak’s ‘For better forever’ and Christopher West’s ‘The good news about sex and marriage’
I know there are more books that people on these forums recommend, but these are a start.
He needs to realign his thinking. If he can think about sex the way God intended it may be a start to overcoming this addiction.
Our society, (I’m in Australia but I know it’s the same in most westernised countries) is saturated with sex, images of sex, women portrayed as objects and it is no wonder men fall prey to this. The messages are, ‘sex is for pleasure and that is a selfish pleasure and people should be able to have it whenever they want, with no strings attatched’.
It has become a pasttime, like going out for a movie, young people just ‘hook up’ for a night. It’s really so sad.
I understand you not wanting him in your bed. I wouldn’t either. He has been unfaithful to you and your vows and that would hurt.
I will pray for you, God bless
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Amen Jules!
My husband went through all that (and more 😦 ). It started with porn and ended up with affairs.

Its been almost 5 years now, and I believe he’s “clean”. Much of the problem was him admitting he has a problem. It took me finding out about his affair to get him to realize it. Be thankful your husband recognizes there is a problem.

I don’t have time for a long post, but Raine, if you want to PM me please do.
 
As a guy who has been there, I can tell you that his problem is probably not about sex directly. To him sex is also a sign of your love and respect for him. If he feels that signs of your love and respect are missing from your relationship he will feel sad and lonely and will look for something elsewhere. Yes I know that all he would have had to do is tell you and you would have reassured him of your love and admiration, but that is not what guys do. They try to be strong and hide it from everyone. He needs your support and keeping him from your bed is just going to push him away. Giving him copious amounts of sex is not the answer, however copious amounts of love is. Be supportive and loving and work with him in whatever way “the two of you” decide is the best way to overcome this problem. You and your dh may find the following web site useful in this battle.

trueknights.org/pornography.html

You are in my prayers.
 
Raine,

As someone who has tried to help guy friends with this addiction, I would just add that no matter how horrible, disgusting, and revolting you feel your spouse’s actions are, now really is your chance to make your husband fall in love with you all over again. I’ve found that when guys get “caught” and they recognize it as an addiction and they are truly remorseful, they are very, very vulnerable. They feel like dirt, they expect to be treated like dirt, etc.

So try to lovingly help him, pray with him, encourage him, and stand by his efforts to conquer his addiction. Don’t condone anything, but don’t judge either…just try to charitably help him using all the wonderful resources earlier posters have given.

God bless and my prayers are with you.

kevinsgirl
 
Thanks, Kevinsgirl.

I will try my best to be charitable and forgiving…even though all I want to do right now is to throttle him right between the eyes and kick him to the curb for his disgusting behavior. I know this is only a temporary feeling and that God will grant me the grace to be forgiving and strong to see us through this trial.
 
Hello Raine…

You have something in your corner here, and that is the fact that your husband is a Christian and he understands that this is wrong!

Everyone that said porno is not about sex are absolutely correct…it is a form of escapism. It is absolute fantasy and has nothing to do with reality! It might be a stress reliever for your husband (my own H. had the beginnings of a problem which thankfully was caught early before any addiction took hold, and he described this to me).

An addiction to porn indicates a possible problems with intimacy. It is much easier to fantasize and escape, rather to deal with real problems and intimacy. Your relationship, his job, family…these are all things that require hard work and sometimes it is painful…Pornography, prostitution…things like that do not require any emotional attachment or work…it speaks of an emotional detachment of sorts.

Go to a priest and confess. Go to the excellent suggested websites that others have posted…get counseling…

Something you can do today…Ask your H. if pornography is a stress reducer for him…if he indicates that they are (which I suspect) find another way for him to relieve his stress. My Husband joined a gym…began playing basketball…basically replacing this as his source of stress relief. He ceased his activity cold turkey. There were a couple of slips…and when he did slip I didn’t go off madly on him…We had the conversation over again about how harmful this is for our relationship…and every opportunity I had I did point out the total evil nature of the sex industry! Serial killers, rapists, pedophiles…are its customers!
 
kangnamdragon said:
I would completely disagree with this. Put him in your bed and have as much sex as you can with him so he does not even think about porn.

I don’t say this to sound “dirty”. I say it because he has a distorted sense of sexuality reality, and as you are married, you are his true reality when it comes to sex and he needs to come back to reality.
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After thinking about this I retract this statement. I have no personal experience with this, nor am I an expert on theology of the body.
 
Raine,

You and your husband will both be in my prayers. I am a single, male Catholic striving to be faithful to God and His Holy Church, and for a long time I struggled with an addiction to pornography, as well as masturbation. Thanks be to God, I am happy to be able to say that next month will mark the one-year anniversary since my last “fall” in both categories. I say this not to “toot my own horn,” because I know I could fall at any minute, and all credit goes to God’s grace. I only bring up my own example to show that anything is possible, and this can be overcome. I can tell you straight away that the other posters are absolutely right that the addiction could be the result of stress.

Based on my own experiences, here is what I think works: first of all, get a filter on your husband’s computer right now, and one where ONLY YOU know the password. If he truly wants to be pure, he will not object to handing this type of authority over to you. He will want to negate any possibility of being able to look at porn, and that includes being protected from himself.

Secondly, he has to pray and frequent the sacraments. This is something that’s always said, but it bears repeating. This is an addiction that can only be overcome with the help of God’s grace. I don’t know if he has time for it or not, but I would suggest daily mass, frequent visitations to the Blessed Sacrament, and daily recitation of the Rosary. And some time in mental prayer, like say 15 to 30 minutes a day. This may sound like a big time commitment, but I’ve actually found that it’s helped me be more productive with my time, and I’m a law student, with very little free time as it is.

Also, mortification, in the classic Catholic sense of the term, is essential. Obviously I don’t mean wearing a hairshirt or anything like that, but doing little things can help. One of the things I did was start taking a cold shower every day in the morning. Even when I didn’t feel any temptation, I took a cold shower regardless, as a means of denying myself. I cannot begin to describe how this has helped me in my self-control. And other little mortifications can be done during the day that nobody will notice–like not buttering your bread at meals, not using salt, denying yourself that last bite, etc. All this helped me immensely.

Our Lord calls us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him. It isn’t easy (it wasn’t, and it still isn’t, for me), but with His grace all is possible. You and your husband will conquer this, with God’s help.
 
ThomasMore1535 said:
Raine,

You and your husband will both be in my prayers. I am a single, male Catholic striving to be faithful to God and His Holy Church, and for a long time I struggled with an addiction to pornography, as well as masturbation. Thanks be to God, I am happy to be able to say that next month will mark the one-year anniversary since my last “fall” in both categories. I say this not to “toot my own horn,” because I know I could fall at any minute, and all credit goes to God’s grace. I only bring up my own example to show that anything is possible, and this can be overcome. I can tell you straight away that the other posters are absolutely right that the addiction could be the result of stress.

Based on my own experiences, here is what I think works: first of all, get a filter on your husband’s computer right now, and one where ONLY YOU know the password. If he truly wants to be pure, he will not object to handing this type of authority over to you. He will want to negate any possibility of being able to look at porn, and that includes being protected from himself.

Secondly, he has to pray and frequent the sacraments. This is something that’s always said, but it bears repeating. This is an addiction that can only be overcome with the help of God’s grace. I don’t know if he has time for it or not, but I would suggest daily mass, frequent visitations to the Blessed Sacrament, and daily recitation of the Rosary. And some time in mental prayer, like say 15 to 30 minutes a day. This may sound like a big time commitment, but I’ve actually found that it’s helped me be more productive with my time, and I’m a law student, with very little free time as it is.

Also, mortification, in the classic Catholic sense of the term, is essential. Obviously I don’t mean wearing a hairshirt or anything like that, but doing little things can help. One of the things I did was start taking a cold shower every day in the morning. Even when I didn’t feel any temptation, I took a cold shower regardless, as a means of denying myself. I cannot begin to describe how this has helped me in my self-control. And other little mortifications can be done during the day that nobody will notice–like not buttering your bread at meals, not using salt, denying yourself that last bite, etc. All this helped me immensely.

Our Lord calls us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him. It isn’t easy (it wasn’t, and it still isn’t, for me), but with His grace all is possible. You and your husband will conquer this, with God’s help.
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First: Congratulations on your milestone in overcoming this addiction. I will pray for your continued strength in avoiding temptation.

Thank you very much for all these suggestions. I will share them with my husband. It helps to hear this advice from someone who has gone through this. Thank you for your prayers also. We need them.
 
Our wonderful Bishop has written an excellent pastoral letter on this problem.
diocese-kcsj.org/Bishop-Finn/pastoral-07.htm

I have been struggling with a pornography addiction for over 15 years. It’s a moment by moment battle, and much more difficult to kick than anything else because there is no accountability. You don’t have to go anywhere, and if someone is determined enough they can beat any thing you put of the computer to stop them.

Frequenting the sacraments, prayer (sorrowful mysteries and the stations most notably), fasting , and exercise are all key. One has to temper themselves on all facets of humanity to overcome this grave evil.

So much that could be said, but Bishop Finn has some good links that can say it much better than I can. (I’ll add trueknights.org/ to his list)Once he makes a firm commitment to free himself his biggest enemy will be despair. The Evil One will redouble his efforts against your husband, and the temptations will beat upon his door with all the fury of Hell.

And not to dismiss you, but he’s going to need someone else to hold him accountable. Fear and embarrassment will keep him from being fully honest with you.

Christ himself stumbled and fell under the weight of the Cross.
 
Trelow,

Thank you. When you say that we need someone else to hold him accountable, do you mean a support group? Or an individual friend? What has worked for you?

Thank you again and may God continue to grant you the strength to persevere in your fight against temptation. Keep fighting the good fight.
 
A support group or friend would be great.

I’ve had a priest I’ve talked to, and we now have a program in the area that I’m going to try out. This is the biggest weakness in my approach, I’m too damn proud to ask for help most of the time and try to do it alone. I tend to overlook the fifth station.
 
Raine said:
Thank you, Della. I agree that he did have this problem before we got married. Primarily it is his problem and, as his wife, it is my problem to help solve also.

Do you have any very concrete things I can do while we go through the healing process? I have told him I don’t want him in our bed right now. I know this is not good on a long-term basis, but for now I just can’t imagine having him next to me.

Anything else you would suggest for a tough-love approach?
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I know another poster jumped on this one as well, you seem to believe a lot of what is in the bible when it goes towards someone else, you need to follwo as well for yourself, when you married you became ONE flesh not 2 as the other poster said denial will just deepen what has been instilled. esspecially when a great majority of the sites advertise that “wife isnt up to the task come to such and such they are always ready and willing” etc dont let the ads become his reality…I have seen more marriages fail due to exactly what you are doing,using the marital act as a tool ,as a punishment or as a reward.its not right and not what was intended for it to be, remember its an act of expressing love.
to remove it is to remove love or some of it from your relationship, I believe marriage Vows in themselves state for better or for worse. SICKNESS and in health,

On that note if you are seriously looking to HELP him in this process might i suggest a “netnanny” type program it helps filter out the many pop ups that happen on computers advertising these porn sites, even when you are not searching for porn they will pop up.But I wouldnt do this behind his back either sit down and talk about it let him know you are doing this just to stop the pop ups that may lead him again…
 
I do think that the previous poster is correct, that sex should not be something that is “used” as a punishment or as a reward. That, however, does not mean that you should rush back into it. Do make sure that you and your husband get tested. Do make sure that you are able to get some counseling so that you are able to start reestablishing a trusting relationship with him. I think healing is important, and that really shouldn’t have anything to do with punishing your husband. I do know someone who went through this with a husband who was otherwise a good guy, and she said in the end, their level of intimacy was so much better than it was before she found out about his problems with porn. Even when she did not know about the porn, it was affecting his ability to be truly intimate and open with her. Getting it all out in the open and really dealing with it has really helped them so much as a couple.
 
I wonder, though, if this man got married with this addiction active, and never had any intention of “forsaking all others” by the using of escorts/prostitutes, is this marriage even valid? Could it be annulled, if that is what the OP desires? The exclusivity of marriage is one of its defining tenets, so if that was never present and was never intended to be present, is the marriage still valid?
 
Thank you to everyone for your advice and prayers. My husband and I met with our priest this morning for over two hours and now we have a plan to follow as we get over this hurdle in our marriage.

Thank you for being such a good sounding board.

God bless you all,
Jessica R
 
Raine said:
Thank you to everyone for your advice and prayers. My husband and I met with our priest this morning for over two hours and now we have a plan to follow as we get over this hurdle in our marriage.

Thank you for being such a good sounding board.

God bless you all,
Jessica R
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Well, good on him for being humble enough to talk to a priest about it and in front of you! That’s excellent and that’s commitment!
God bless you both
 
Raine said:
Do you have any very concrete things I can do while we go through the healing process? I have told him I don’t want him in our bed right now.
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IMO this might only make matters worse. I am not totally aware of what’s happening, but as far as I know, those who are addicted to porn and even go as far as getting escorts means the person either has a very high drive and craving that needs to be satisfied, or else his own needs are not met. The former is psychological, and if it is so, then you might ask your husband to seek professional help. The latter is more personal, and a good counselor might help you out on this. But tuning him out will not solve it–and might only make your husband justify his use of porn and getting escorts even more.
 
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