Husband is Catholic and wants me to use the pill

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JoyT86

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My husband was born and raised Catholic. I was born and raised in a non Catholic household, but always accepted Jesus as my savior. We weren’t married in a Catholic Church and never had our children baptized either. He hasn’t been to mass in years, and I have been trying to get involved in church to deepen my faith and to involve our two small children with The Lord as well. After trying a few churches with my husband, he is extremely interested in getting back to his Catholic roots. I am more than willing for our husband to lead our family and am willing to take all the RCIA classes in order to become a member of our Parrish. Here is my main concern: After reading and researching about Catholic views on contraception, I am deeply concerned about the contraception we have chosen for our family. I have been on the mini pill (progestin only) for a few years and I had no idea that it caused abortions. Needless to say, I’m horrified!!! I spoke to my husband about NFP and he is completely against the idea. He won’t give it a chance or even try to go to a class with me. He is completely unreasonable when it comes to me stopping the minipill. I’m in a pretty tough spot. I don’t want to take the pill, but I don’t want to deceive my husband by doing NFP and pretending to still take the mini pill. If the Bible states that wives should in fact submit to their husbands, what should I do? If I still take the mini pill and do NFP at the same time, and only have sex when I’m not ovulating and when there is no risk of becoming pregnant, is that still considered a mortal sin? I’m just so distraught over this, and I can’t seem to even approach my husband on the subject without him getting angry. Any advice would be appreciated and I certainly covet your prayers!

Joy
 
Please do not take the bible out of context here. No one is to submit to another in the matter of sin. Not children to parents, not wife to husband, not priest to bishop.

So, put that out of your head.

Yes, it will be difficult to do the right thing. But you are responsible for you and your soul, so what you cannot do is sin.

Get good information on NFP. Share it with him. Talk to your pastor about what to do if your husband takes contraception upon himself-- condoms or vasectomy or whatever. In such a case, you can in some circumstances continue conjugal relations with him if he knows you oppose his methods. But, to actively be the contraceptor, I think you know now you cannot do that.

Perhaps see if he will go to counseling with your pastor. Or take up a period of prayerful abstinence together and take it before the blessed sacrament in holy hour together. If he will pray with you, perhaps the Holy Spirit will soften his heart.
 
I wouldn’t recommend anyone to continue the pill while acting like they are practicing a method of NFP. Firstly, the pill masks your natural signs of fertility. There wouldn’t be a way for you to tell if you have ovulated or not. You might abstain at the wrong time and get pregnant anyway. At a time when you are contracepting, either one of you or both are not mentally open to God’s gift. Then what? Resentment, fear, anger, termination? (Rhetorical question)

Keep trying to win him over to NFP. Setting the moral issues of taking the pill aside, hormonal contraception is really risky for your health. Ask him to at least pray about being open to the possibility of stopping the pill and let the Holy Spirit work from there.
 
Hi Joy, thank you for sharing your concern - it is certainly difficult.

Instead of suggestions, I’d prefer to ask questions:
  • Does your husband know that artificial contraception is against the teachings of the Church?
  • Does your husband realise the threat contraceptive pills can have on a woman’s body?
  • Does your husband know your feelings about what is going on and how, it seems, your desire is to stop using the pill?
  • Does your husband know anyone who uses NFP?
  • Are both you and your husband closed to the possibility of having any more children?
God bless you both.
 
I don’t sense any openness to life in the original post. That in itself is sinful, even if means are employed that are not intrinsically evil.
 
Joy,

You should take RCIA classes and have your children baptized so that you can raise them in the Church. Hopefully your husband will join you in your journey which would include having your marriage convalidated by the Church. Even if he will not, you should do the right thing and proceed for the sake of your own soul and the souls of your children.

Talk to your pastor about this. You should pray that your husband will be moved by the Holy Spirit to join the Church and be open to Life.

Good Luck!
 
1ke said:
Please do not take the bible out of context here. No one is to submit to another in the matter of sin. Not children to parents, not wife to husband, not priest to bishop.

So, put that out of your head.

Yes, it will be difficult to do the right thing. But you are responsible for you and your soul, so what you cannot do is sin.

Get good information on NFP. Share it with him. Talk to your pastor about what to do if your husband takes contraception upon himself-- condoms or vasectomy or whatever. In such a case, you can in some circumstances continue conjugal relations with him if he knows you oppose his methods. But, to actively be the contraceptor, I think you know now you cannot do that.

Perhaps see if he will go to counseling with your pastor. Or take up a period of prayerful abstinence together and take it before the blessed sacrament in holy hour together. If he will pray with you, perhaps the Holy Spirit will soften his heart.
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Thank you. I will continue to pray about this. He is absolutely opposed to NFP and is completely set against going to classes or even speaking with a Deacon/Priest about this. My main concern is: I will be knowingly sinning if I continue to use this contraception, but risking divorce if I decide to do NFP. This is how strongly he feels about using contraception. In fact, he was NEVER taught that contraception was wrong, and he was born and raised in the Catholic Church and confirmed 12 years ago. How on Earth can this be?
Reverie said:
I wouldn’t recommend anyone to continue the pill while acting like they are practicing a method of NFP. Firstly, the pill masks your natural signs of fertility. There wouldn’t be a way for you to tell if you have ovulated or not. You might abstain at the wrong time and get pregnant anyway. At a time when you are contracepting, either one of you or both are not mentally open to God’s gift. Then what? Resentment, fear, anger, termination? (Rhetorical question)

Keep trying to win him over to NFP. Setting the moral issues of taking the pill aside, hormonal contraception is really risky for your health. Ask him to at least pray about being open to the possibility of stopping the pill and let the Holy Spirit work from there.
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I have pled with him about my health risks, to which he replies "Well you were never worried about the health risks until you read about this “abortifacient nonsense” It is so extremely frustrating, and I’m afraid this will seriously hurt our marriage. Thank you for your suggestions. I will continue to pray!
jonathan_hili said:
Hi Joy, thank you for sharing your concern - it is certainly difficult.

Instead of suggestions, I’d prefer to ask questions:
  • Does your husband know that artificial contraception is against the teachings of the Church?Yes, but he was never taught that and only thinks “extreme Catholics” follow that way of teaching.
  • Does your husband realise the threat contraceptive pills can have on a woman’s body?
    Yes and no. He knows that they aren’t good for me, but he thinks that since I’ve been on them for so long, I must not be too worried about it.
  • Does your husband know your feelings about what is going on and how, it seems, your desire is to stop using the pill?Absolutely, and it makes him angry.
  • Does your husband know anyone who uses NFP? Yes, unfortunately and they have 5 children due to “accidents” using NFP (incorrectly of course)
  • Are both you and your husband closed to the possibility of having any more children? I have never been closed to the possibility, but he is most definitely closed to the possibility.
God bless you both.
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aemcpa said:
I don’t sense any openness to life in the original post. That in itself is sinful, even if means are employed that are not intrinsically evil.
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I am open to having more children. In fact, if it weren’t for my husbands extreme dislike of the thought of having more, I’d be trying to conceive. I have to respect my husband, though. If for some reason, he feels that more children would be too much right now (we have two small children now) I can’t go against him and deceive him into having more.

Thank you all so much for the kind replies. I am just so worried that this is going to hurt our marriage. He feels so strongly against NFP, and doesn’t even want to THINK about using condoms. He doesn’t want to use contraception and is pressuring me to continue using the mini pill even after all the things I’ve learned about it!

Please pray for us.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Joy,

You should take RCIA classes and have your children baptized so that you can raise them in the Church. Hopefully your husband will join you in your journey which would include having your marriage convalidated by the Church. Even if he will not, you should do the right thing and proceed for the sake of your own soul and the souls of your children.

Talk to your pastor about this. You should pray that your husband will be moved by the Holy Spirit to join the Church and be open to Life.

Good Luck!
Click to expand...
Thank you 🙂 This is exactly what I am doing, and I will be speaking with someone in the church about this soon. I will continue to pray that my husband will be moved by the Holy Spirit! God bless you.
 
Does your husband know that the pill is classified as a level-one carcinogen?
 
JoyT86 said:
Thank you 🙂 This is exactly what I am doing, and I will be speaking with someone in the church about this soon. I will continue to pray that my husband will be moved by the Holy Spirit! God bless you.
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There seems to be something irrational in your husband’s anger towards the possibility of more children, so you won’t be able to “talk him out of it”. However, God will be able to love him out of it. The grace that will fill your household from you and your children receiving the Sacraments and living a holy life will do more than anything else to bring him to a place where (God willing) he won’t be able to resist God’s will anymore.
 
Soren_Itenu said:
Mention it to him and see how he responds.
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I will. Thank you.

So should I stop taking it completely??? I don’t want to take it anymore, and I feel that if I take it NOW, I will be KNOWINGLY going against God.

Here comes the second part… Should I just tell my husband “Sorry, but I refuse to take it” even though he is so strongly opposed to me stopping it? Or should I just not say anything at all and make him think that I am still taking it? That just seems so deceitful and wrong. It would be like trading one sin for another.

If I do tell him that I refuse to take this, it will indeed cause some huge issues in our marriage.
 
aemcpa said:
There seems to be something irrational in your husband’s anger towards the possibility of more children, so you won’t be able to “talk him out of it”. However, God will be able to love him out of it. The grace that will fill your household from you and your children receiving the Sacraments and living a holy life will do more than anything else to bring him to a place where (God willing) he won’t be able to resist God’s will anymore.
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This made me smile. Yes God can soften even the hardest of hearts. Thank you for this. God bless you!
 
Stop taking it, because taking it is sin.

Don’t deceive your husband about it, because deception is sin.

Life is tough, and this might be tough for you.

I’m gonna say a prayer for you right now, Joy! 🙂
 
Soren_Itenu said:
Stop taking it, because taking it is sin.

Don’t deceive your husband about it, because deception is sin.

Life is tough, and this might be tough for you.

I’m gonna say a prayer for you right now, Joy! 🙂
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Thank you so much. 🙂 I certainly covet your prayer!!
 
JoyT86 said:
So should I stop taking it completely??? I don’t want to take it anymore, and I feel that if I take it NOW, I will be KNOWINGLY going against God.
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Then yes, you should stop taking it completely.
JoyT86 said:
Here comes the second part… Should I just tell my husband “Sorry, but I refuse to take it” even though he is so strongly opposed to me stopping it? Or should I just not say anything at all and make him think that I am still taking it? That just seems so deceitful and wrong. It would be like trading one sin for another.
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No, you should not deceive your husband. You should be honest with him and stand firm in your convictions, knowing that God will not be mocked.
JoyT86 said:
If I do tell him that I refuse to take this, it will indeed cause some huge issues in our marriage.
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So be it. Your conversion, unless and until it is accompanied by his, will inevitably cause huge issues. But you must obey God in all things even if it comes at great cost:

“If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.” - Luke 14:26
 
If you submit to your husbands will on this believing that that is the right thing to do, then the guilt is His not yours: however as others have said, you should not submit on a matter of sin, when you already know that the action in inherently sinful.

Your Husband has very much gone along with the herd mentality as have many Catholics and other Christians. It’s easy to not question what the World tells us, and to assume that there’s no moral issue even when the Church says otherwise:
“Who are a bunch of old men in pointy hats to tell a married couple how to behave in the bedroom”

But that concept unfortunately misses the point entirely.

Do some research. you will find lots of medical data on the dangers of both the combined pill and the progesterone only pill. I personally know someone (an atheist) who has had to resort to NFP due to severe bone density depletion caused by the Progesterone only implant.

Another also has strong medical reasons to avoid The Pill or any chemical contraception, and has been advised by her Midwife sister to use Natural and/or barrier methods only. (not christian so they don’t understand the objections to barrier methods).

Google NaPRO, and look for information about it here on this forum.

As others have said… you need to get your husband to come round to the idea. your priest or NFP instructor may be able to help in this area. But the most important things may be:
  1. Pray for your Husband
  2. help your husband to realise why ABC is sinful. The modern person is not trained in blind obedience to the authority of the church… we are trained to be Rational. Appeal to his rational sense. Show him how damaging the pill can be medically. Show him why the church says it’s wrong spiritually.
  3. You can put your foot down. but to practice NFP does strongly benefit from the cooperation of both partners.
 
Joy,

From personal experience, please do not use this site too make such huge decisions in your life. Try to get your husband to go talk to doctors or others to see if you can come up with some ideas to handle this situation. Talk to several, many, different people at your church, face to face, not to strangers on the internet.

You will need a support system no matter what you decide to do and it needs to be with people that truly know you more in depth. Good luck. Praying for you.
 
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