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ARTofChrist
Guest
I think I am going to use that!
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ARTofChrist
Guest
This is all how it started sweetheart… sounds like us when we were dating!Prayers for you and your hubby OP.
My FI isn’t in the controlling/suggesting type of personality, he’s more of a listening/stay cool calm and quiet personality (which can still pose it’s challenges sometimes), so I can’t completely relate to you. BUT our situations are similar in that sometimes I don’t do things or act in ways that he thinks are the most logical and rational. He’ll suggest that I do ABC instead or to not do XYZ to save myself frustration.
Sometimes I take his advice because it is helpful but other times I say, “I just don’t work that way.” “I don’t do things that way.” or “That’s how you would do it, but I’m going to do it my way instead.” smile sweetly
That really can put suggestions to a halt. I mean, how can he argue with that? He can give you explanations that shoot down your arguements hand down, BUT if you don’t give an arguement, then he doesn’t have anything to work with.
be warned: giving him a non-arguement rejoinder like, “This is just how I am” or “Yeah you may be right but I’m going to do things my way” will more than likely give your hubby more than a few grey hairs.
I’ve already given my FI more than a few grey hairs and we’re not even married yet
I think I’ve used the line “I just don’t work that way” many a time. But he always comes back with something like "It’s not about how you work… It’s about your health, or about the environment, or yada yada yada…
I get that, I do. I understand where he is coming from on all levels. But it doesn’t change the fact that he is forcing me into making a certain change or decision.
He can suggest things politely, I can handle that. But usually it doesn’t stop there. If I don’t take his advice it turns into an almost “YOU HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY OR ELSE” scenario.
The last time something happened like this, it was because I wanted egg sandwiches for the second day in a row (egg yolk is really bad for you, you know) and he insisted that I not have another because it’s really bad for me. I had to give him a good reason as to why it would be ok to have an egg sandwich two days in a row. He finally told me that I could have one as long as it was just an egg white. I told him he can’t control me like that and it was just making me want the egg sandwich with the yolk even more than before.
After about 20 minutes or so he did say to me that I was right, in that he can’t tell me what to do. He said he needed to find a better way to word things when he is trying to help.
He really need only tell me why he might disagree with what I am doing and leave the decision and the choice on what to do entirely up to me.
McGar, do not be too alarmed if you find your future marriage in a similar state as mine
But, many blessings and well wishes to the both of you!
S
surfinpure
Guest
Yikes!This is all how it started sweetheart… sounds like us when we were dating!
I think I’ve used the line “I just don’t work that way” many a time. But he always comes back with something like "It’s not about how you work… It’s about your health, or about the environment, or yada yada yada…
I get that, I do. I understand where he is coming from on all levels. But it doesn’t change the fact that he is forcing me into making a certain change or decision.
He can suggest things politely, I can handle that. But usually it doesn’t stop there. If I don’t take his advice it turns into an almost “YOU HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY OR ELSE” scenario.
The last time something happened like this, it was because I wanted egg sandwiches for the second day in a row (egg yolk is really bad for you, you know) and he insisted that I not have another because it’s really bad for me. I had to give him a good reason as to why it would be ok to have an egg sandwich two days in a row. He finally told me that I could have one as long as it was just an egg white. I told him he can’t control me like that and it was just making me want the egg sandwich with the yolk even more than before.
After about 20 minutes or so he did say to me that I was right, in that he can’t tell me what to do. He said he needed to find a better way to word things when he is trying to help.
He really need only tell me why he might disagree with what I am doing and leave the decision and the choice on what to do entirely up to me.
McGar, do not be too alarmed if you find your future marriage in a similar state as mine
You know, this reminds me of the book Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud. Granted, it’s peppered with Protestant scripture interpretation, but the psychology is solid. Any time you have one person trying to control the other to this degree, it’s a boundary issue; and if one person has it, they both do. It might help you a lot to check out a copy of the book and find out where both of your boundaries are off and how to go about re-setting them. That is, of course, unless you’ve already read it.
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ARTofChrist
Guest
The book and author sound really familiar. I am not sure if I have it or if it was one I was thinking of buying at some point.Yikes!
You know, this reminds me of the book Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud. Granted, it’s peppered with Protestant scripture interpretation, but the psychology is solid. Any time you have one person trying to control the other to this degree, it’s a boundary issue; and if one person has it, they both do. It might help you a lot to check out a copy of the book and find out where both of your boundaries are off and how to go about re-setting them. That is, of course, unless you’ve already read it.
Thank you!
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surfinpure
Guest
Welcome!
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cecilia97
Guest
I second Boundaries, great book…a discussion over an egg sandwich is more than just engineer issues.Welcome!
God bless you, I would not be so patient with that. I’d be makin’ that egg sandwich faster than he could rattle off reasons why I should not!
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Guitar
Guest
Ditto ditto ditto. I wouldn’t even attempt to explain myself, and I’d eat three in a row just to underline the point. Even through my fog of inarticulateness, I knew that by the time I was being told how to slice carrots, this had gone too far.I second Boundaries, great book…a discussion over an egg sandwich is more than just engineer issues.
God bless you, I would not be so patient with that. I’d be makin’ that egg sandwich faster than he could rattle off reasons why I should not!
And you can rest assured that as an engineer, my carrot-slicing method is as good as anybody’s. Yes, speaking as an engineer I can say the egg sandwich thing is NOT an engineering issue. Most successful engineers have clear ideas of where work packages start and end, who owns what responsibility, and a basic grasp of risk management. Risk management includes prioritising risks in terms of impact, likelihood, suitable mitigation strategy and the cost thereof.
For example …
Case 1: wife unknowingly messing with loaded pistol = risk with high likelihood of eventuating, at a level of harm that makes the risks inherent in the mitigation strategy of ordering wife to PUT THAT DOWN NOW well worth the potential fallout of giving her an “order”.
Case 2: wife eating “too many” egg yolks = low likelihood of harm occurence, low potential damage anyway, mitigation strategy far more damaging than potential harm in the initial risk.
It sounds like your husband has difficulty distinguishing between big problems and little problems, ones that matter and ones better let go. Some quality assurance engineers I’ve met tend to be like that - a product getting out the door with two crinkle washers under the head of a screw when the drawing calls for one is as bad as a 747 crashing in the carpark. Maybe it’s not really a control problem but one of the inability to distinguish between big deals and no-big-deals? So everything becomes a big deal and because of that he worries way too much and reacts to that by getting involved in every little thing that’s going on in case something slips past him and causes harm?
Cloud & Townsend’s Boundaries does contain some strange theology but even compete atheists can read and follow the logic of it if they just tune out all the “religious” bits - the theory stands quite well without them. For $20 it summarises fairly neatly everything I spent 30 years working out for myself the hard way and explain 98% of why my mother was the stressed-out wreck she turned herself into and had the attitudes towards me, my possessions, my “space” and separate identity that she did.
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ARTofChrist
Guest
Funny you say this, because he is in fact a “quality assurance” engineer. Code scripts are created and my husband’s job is to run tests to make sure there are no errors, if there are errors, he has to find the problem and fix it, very tedious it sounds. He’s very good at what he does and is often the one people go to when they need help.
I am very seriously considering buying the book Boundaries. I just don’t know how I am going to convince DH that it would be good for him to read too.
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cecilia97
Guest
I wouldn’t assume he needs to, at this point. Get if for yourself and make the changes YOU can make to enforce firmer Boundaries for yourself. The boundary breaker can’t break boundaries without a “breakee”, right?
My father retired from a management engineering position with responsibility across the country. It drove the whole family nuts for several years (and still does sometimes) because he doesn’t seem to understand we DON’T WORK FOR HIM. He will still call me for a “status update” on my own work, and I’m 33 and a business owner! In some ways, they are just programmed that way and can only change so much. How do I respond now? I tell him my billable rate for an hourly consultation and that he’s not paying me for my time to give him a status report. He laughs and calls back later when he has PERSONAL stuff to chat about.
Maybe your hubby has a little issue distinguishing work from home.
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surfinpure
Guest
He may not read it, and that’s still okay, as long as you do. The boundary “trespassers” rarely take the news well when they find out what they’ve been doing for so long. If he does read it, it may be painful for him, and he may be struggle with denial, saying that he doesn’t fit the mold. But as long as you break your habits, like Cecilia said, he cannot successfully continue in his, so he may eventually come around to the idea that a change needs to occur, and that would be a capital time to read the book.
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ARTofChrist
Guest
I’m pretty confident he doesn’t have that problem. He really does a good job at not co-mingling the two. But, as a by-product of his job, it seems his VIEW of home issues is similar to those at work and deals with them in the same way.
I just went and bought the book Boundaries. Just gonna touch up on some business stuff while baby is napping and then dive in!
Thanks so much everyone!
M
MCGar
Guest
This is all how it started sweetheart… sounds like us when we were dating!
I think I’ve used the line “I just don’t work that way” many a time. But he always comes back with something like "It’s not about how you work… It’s about your health, or about the environment, or yada yada yada…
I get that, I do. I understand where he is coming from on all levels. But it doesn’t change the fact that he is forcing me into making a certain change or decision.
He can suggest things politely, I can handle that. But usually it doesn’t stop there. If I don’t take his advice it turns into an almost “YOU HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY OR ELSE” scenario.
The last time something happened like this, it was because I wanted egg sandwiches for the second day in a row (egg yolk is really bad for you, you know) and he insisted that I not have another because it’s really bad for me. I had to give him a good reason as to why it would be ok to have an egg sandwich two days in a row. He finally told me that I could have one as long as it was just an egg white. I told him he can’t control me like that and it was just making me want the egg sandwich with the yolk even more than before.
After about 20 minutes or so he did say to me that I was right, in that he can’t tell me what to do. He said he needed to find a better way to word things when he is trying to help.
He really need only tell me why he might disagree with what I am doing and leave the decision and the choice on what to do entirely up to me.
McGar, do not be too alarmed if you find your future marriage in a similar state as mine
Wow. Advice heeded.
We never have gotten in those type of discussions but it is good advice to keep tabs on a relationship so problems won’t get that far.
In the egg sandwich situation, I think I probably would have just looked at him, made my egg sandwich and walked away. If he continued with his ‘suggestions,’ I would have said, “I’m not going to argue about this with you” and walked away.
But, really, you shouldn’t have to go through that at all. You are just as intelligent as him and can make your own decisions on the details of how you manage yourself.
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surfinpure
Guest
I would propose the converse: that he ended up in his job because of his predisposition for critical analysis. I strongly suspect the job didn’t make him this way, but being this way makes him good at his job.
Enjoy Boundaries!
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ARTofChrist
Guest
That sounds pretty sounds and true
I’ve already read through the first two chapters and can see some things that are currently happening and why…
I have trouble setting limits. I have already started setting limits and boundaries with my daughter (who is only 16 months old), but they are small limits that are saving me a lot of frustration in the end, and more than likely her too.
Something that I have noticed with my husband is that he lets her do pretty much anything and then I end up looking like the “bad guy”… whole nother topic, but same issue I assume.
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Guitar
Guest
Could well be. QA engineers have a different kind of role, usually, to other engineers. They often don’t design or plan, though they may be concurrently involved in those phases, but their real work is often in thoroughly dissecting other people’s work in the review/pre-approval stage.
In my job for example I have to chart a course from A to B to achieve a defined goal and in doing that I have to weigh up all sorts of different contraints and risks. It isn’t possible to allow for everything and sometimes painful priority decisions have to be made. A QA engineer often as not, has the job brief of analysing a finished product rather than producing that product, and finding all the bugs, big and small, actual or procedural. Not saying it’s like this for all QA people but for some, prioritising is not part of the job - a problem is a problem is a bug is a problem and must be fixed. It’s a “catch-all” mindset with a knack for fine detail rather than the weigh-up-and-balance, make-judgements process of planning and design, which in fact often must deliberately avoid getting drawn into details.
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monicatholic
Guest
ART, in peace and goodwill, I suggest this thread has gotten far off course. There’s been a LOT of interest and discussion on why your husband is the way he is-- controlling, and very little about why you are the way you are-- controllable.
Even the why is irrelevant. you could spend a lot of time and energy ruminating over the whys, i.e., “why am I such a pushover why? why? why?..” but at the end of the day, you’ve changed nothing of your own behavior. analysis paralysis, it’s sometimes called.
God*** has*** given you free will, ART. Your husband isn’t taking it away from you. you’re forfeiting it. You are freely giving up your free will. Unless he’s physically forcing you to do things (then you have a police report on your hands) he can’t make you conform to his endless instructions.
You’re not a victim, ART. You’re volunteering for this.
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ARTofChrist
Guest
True… partially.
It is a fact (he and I discussed this last night) that he does have a hard time differentiating between URGENT/IMPORTANT matters and NON-URGENT/IMPORTANT matters. Meaning, the level of severity of the matter often times doesn’t change his corrective reaction to the “offender”.
This can be hard to deal with because (as we discussed last night) he isn’t even giving me the chance to make my own decision. To live a holy life we are called to sacrifice. A common denominator in sacrificial acts is that it is done out of complete love and a giving heart, and not out of guilt or pressure.
I have owned up to being controllable since starting this thread and reading in part the book boundaries. But me being controllable is only part of the equation.
I had my husband read this thread. Since then, we have had a couple extremely constructive conversations. Looks like there is light at the end of the tunnel after all
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monicatholic
Guest
.
ART, it is the only part of the equation you can change.
Anything that happens on your husband’s part of the equation is his free will to address-- or to ignore. I pray improvements continue.
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