Husband isn't sleeping at home

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We have no funds in the account for him to take, so that is another reason I am not in a hurry to visit with a lawyer. He is being overly civil about everything, I know this is because he feels so guilty.

He honestly believes he will be happier not married. He’s sorry that he has caused this much pain. I can’t get through to him that we can be happy again. He doesn’t want to put the kids and I on another roller coaster ride of emotions.

I am so sad this evening. I miss him. We do chat online while he is at work. And I do see him occasionally when he picks up or drops off one of the kids. But I’m missing him terribly and wish there were something more I could do to convince him that the choice he is making is the WRONG one. I’m pretty sure I saw that “icky woman” today driving down the road, she turned her head really fast and looked the other way. I was so tempted to go to her house and tell her just what it is she is messing up for me and the kids! But I figure that probably wouldn’t make things better-don’t know how it could make things worse though… oh boo-hoo! You would think after being married for 16yrs that we could make it last.

J
 
Have you seen a doctor to get tested for STDs? You need to make sure you are healthy, you have kids to take care of!
 
I did see my doctor to get tested. I really don’t even care about that at this point, I’m just so sad that he isn’t here for me or the kids.
 
j101291 said:
I did see my doctor to get tested. I really don’t even care about that at this point, I’m just so sad that he isn’t here for me or the kids.
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Still praying for you, J. Is there an Adoration chapel nearby where you can take the kids and get 30 minutes of peace? It helps so much.
 
j101291 said:
We have no funds in the account for him to take, so that is another reason I am not in a hurry to visit with a lawyer. He is being overly civil about everything, I know this is because he feels so guilty.

He honestly believes he will be happier not married. He’s sorry that he has caused this much pain. I can’t get through to him that we can be happy again. He doesn’t want to put the kids and I on another roller coaster ride of emotions.

I am so sad this evening. I miss him. We do chat online while he is at work. And I do see him occasionally when he picks up or drops off one of the kids. But I’m missing him terribly and wish there were something more I could do to convince him that the choice he is making is the WRONG one. I’m pretty sure I saw that “icky woman” today driving down the road, she turned her head really fast and looked the other way. I was so tempted to go to her house and tell her just what it is she is messing up for me and the kids! But I figure that probably wouldn’t make things better-don’t know how it could make things worse though… oh boo-hoo! You would think after being married for 16yrs that we could make it last.

J
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I am so sorry, J. 😦 I have you in my prayers…your situation is just heartbreaking. God will turn our most darkest times around for our good…but in the meantime, this feels pretty lousy. God bless you, J-you sound like such a dear woman.
 
Didn’t even know what an Adoration chapel was. So I just looked it up. There are several in our state, but the closest is about 30 minutes away.

Thank you for your continued prayers. I’m giving myself a migraine and can’t relax my body right now.
 
Well tomorrow will mark the 1 month point of my husband not sleeping at home.

We recently talked about his relationship with the kids. He knows he isn’t spending enough time with them and is trying to communicate with each at least daily, via phone call, if not in person.

Pay checks are still going into the account for me to pay the bills with.

Earlier this week he mentioned he was going to talk to a friend about renting an apartment from him. It makes me wonder if things aren’t so good with the other woman. Does she not want him there, or does he not want to be there, or does he know I won’t allow the kids to go there, so he wants a place to spend time with him, at “his place”… lots of questions and I don’t dare ask him. Anyway he didn’t end up talking to the friend, but he still “plans” on it. I’m being careful to not say negative things. I’m being patient and “still.”

Today was kind of bad… first off on the way to take my teens to school, I saw that icky woman was dropping off her two little ones at daycare. YUCK!!!

Then I was out of town for a meeting and I mapquested a church that has perpetual Eucharist Adoration… I pull into the parking lot and call and ask if the church was open for praying, I didn’t know what to say and she said no ;-(

Then on the way home I saw the restraut that he took “her” to just before Christmas, I didn’t know where it was because I’d never seen it before, but I saw it on the credit card statement.

I was really in a bad mood!!! Luckly I cooled off before my daughters game, we sat together as usual and had small talk.

Sometimes I think to myself I will be fine without him, other times I’m soooo sad and just want things to go back to the way they were. As it is now I can come and go as I please, read late into the night if I want to, watch what I want to… I’m sure you know what I mean. But I do miss my husband.

And the kids… I’m so worried what this will do to them in the long run, they’re all teens and don’t want to talk about it and haven’t acted out or shown much of any emotions at all.

I’m just asking for additional prayers for the family, thank you.
J
 
j101291 said:
Well tomorrow will mark the 1 month point of my husband not sleeping at home.

We recently talked about his relationship with the kids. He knows he isn’t spending enough time with them and is trying to communicate with each at least daily, via phone call, if not in person.

Pay checks are still going into the account for me to pay the bills with.

Earlier this week he mentioned he was going to talk to a friend about renting an apartment from him. It makes me wonder if things aren’t so good with the other woman. Does she not want him there, or does he not want to be there, or does he know I won’t allow the kids to go there, so he wants a place to spend time with him, at “his place”… lots of questions and I don’t dare ask him. Anyway he didn’t end up talking to the friend, but he still “plans” on it. I’m being careful to not say negative things. I’m being patient and “still.”

Today was kind of bad… first off on the way to take my teens to school, I saw that icky woman was dropping off her two little ones at daycare. YUCK!!!

Then I was out of town for a meeting and I mapquested a church that has perpetual Eucharist Adoration… I pull into the parking lot and call and ask if the church was open for praying, I didn’t know what to say and she said no ;-(

Then on the way home I saw the restraut that he took “her” to just before Christmas, I didn’t know where it was because I’d never seen it before, but I saw it on the credit card statement.

I was really in a bad mood!!! Luckly I cooled off before my daughters game, we sat together as usual and had small talk.

Sometimes I think to myself I will be fine without him, other times I’m soooo sad and just want things to go back to the way they were. As it is now I can come and go as I please, read late into the night if I want to, watch what I want to… I’m sure you know what I mean. But I do miss my husband.

And the kids… I’m so worried what this will do to them in the long run, they’re all teens and don’t want to talk about it and haven’t acted out or shown much of any emotions at all.

I’m just asking for additional prayers for the family, thank you.
J
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I remember while I was in college, my dad got sucked into a relationship with another woman. This, ah, letch? was good at getting men for their money and then divorcing them. My mother certainly was not as patient or unconditionally loving as you. And my dad knew he never could come back. I understand that you want him back and it is he that is keeping himself away. He may now feel unworthy and somewhat of a stooge for falling for this woman. I pray his pride does not consume him.

While he is certainly not being the model dad, you are being a model mother in my opinion. You are holding true to your beliefs in the face of immense pain. That I hope your kids see and understand.

I am so sorry. I wish I could do more than just pray for your family.
 
What he’s learning right now is that home is indeed a very nice place to come home to, where he gets all of the benefits and none of the responsibilities, not even the responsibility to behave decently to the woman he promised to love and be faithful to. 😦 You may lose him by going to a lawyer, but what you have right now-- a man who uses you as a hotel and laundry service while sleeping with another woman-- is not worth keeping.
 
ktp said:
but what you have right now-- a man who uses you as a hotel and laundry service while sleeping with another woman-- is not worth keeping.
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He sleeps at her house, and I assume she’s doing his laundry, I am not. I’m not cooking for him. He has been invited over, because I want him to spend time with the kids. I’m giving him nothing! He comes here because it is where his kids are. This woman has been an unfaithful wife and a homewrecker before she even met my husband. I don’t see this working out for them. I want him to know that when they’re finished with their stupid affair, our marriage is fixable.

I love him, the kids love him, he loves the kids, I hope to grow old with him.

I appreciate all of the prayers to restore our family.

J
 
j101291 said:
He isn’t coming home and “playing family”, he pops to see the kids. He picks them up from the bus stop, goes to basketball games, picks up and drops off at various afterschool activities. He’s trying to do what’s right for the kids except where I am concerned.
J
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Uh, no, he’s not. I can’t remember who said it, but “The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.”

If he’s not doing that, he’s NOT doing what’s right for the kids.

Look at your daughter and imagine HER husband treating her this way. Are you okay with that?

I am praying for you and your family.
 
j101291 said:
He sleeps at her house, and I assume she’s doing his laundry, I am not. I’m not cooking for him. He has been invited over, because I want him to spend time with the kids. I’m giving him nothing!

You give him your heart and soul. He knows this. So he has her taking care of his basic needs and your love and understanding. He is getting the best of two worlds.
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bluerose said:
Uh, no, he’s not. I can’t remember who said it, but “The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.”

If he’s not doing that, he’s NOT doing what’s right for the kids.

Look at your daughter and imagine HER husband treating her this way. Are you okay with that?

I am praying for you and your family.
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Yes I have to agree…even if he’s spending all the time in the world with his kids, they are getting a poor picture of marriage right now. Dad walking out, being unfaithful, and Mom waiting. It’s a bad example for both boys and girls. That they haven’t expressed any hurt or anger is a little concerning.

This is not a critique of J, I think she’s doing what she thinks is best for everyone and that’s admirable. But it can be hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of the hurricane.

J, if you won’t talk to a lawyer, can you talk to a priest? Where is the line between being a patient and forgiving spouse and actually enabling bad behavior?

Many prayers for you today. I hope I have not said anything too strongly.
 
cecilia97 said:
J, if you won’t talk to a lawyer, can you talk to a priest? Where is the line between being a patient and forgiving spouse and actually enabling bad behavior?
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I agree with this a lot. I know that this is what I most regret about my part in my failed attempt at marriage…that I was too patient and forgiving. There does come a point where that is more harmful than helpful. People really do need to experience the unpleasant consequences of their destructive behavior if there is any hope for them to learn and change. I do think a priest can give you some good guidance here.
 
After the priest and the lawyer (or even if you don’t), PLEASE go to the doctor and make sure he hasn’t given you any sexually transmitted diseases! For a woman who knows her husband has been “elsewhere” to keep having sex with him is unwise in the EXTREME. You could end up with AIDS, and your kids could end up with a very sick or dead mother! You don’t know how many men this other woman has been with. She could pass something on to your husband, and he to you, with no symptoms. You also don’t know she’s the only other woman he’s sleeping with.
 
I don’t have anything worthwhile to offer, but I do offer my prayers to you and your children. I also pray that your husband sees the errors of his ways.
 
Thank you for your prayers. That is all I’m asking for.

Everyone has their own opinions, but in reality no one knows what they would do given my situation. I’m fully aware and taking and have taken the necissary precations to protect my health.

All along I’ve been asking myself if I believe our life as a whole will be better with him in it, or with him out of it. I still believe we would all be better and happier for him to return.

Once again, thank you for your prayers.
 
All along I’ve been asking myself if I believe our life as a whole will be better with him in it, or with him out of it. I still believe we would all be better and happier for him to return.

Once again, thank you for your prayers.

Hmmmm…YOU would like him to return, but it doesn’t sound like HE wants to. You know, I’ve been in your shoes and waited an entire year for my ex to come back (we were still living together but he kept taking off) but he never did. He really made no secret of his desire to wander, but I didn’t want to believe it. It was a year of denial and disbelief…it was a waste of time for me as it turned out. I came here for advice, because like you, I didn’t believe in divorce.

I am so sorry. I know how painful this is, but can you handle this holding pattern for much longer? It is not healthy for you nor your kids to hold off the inevitable. He’s having his cake and eating it too. You are in my prayers.
 
J ,
I am very sorry that you and your children are going through this. I do have to comment about you saying that he was trying to do what was best for the children- if that was the case then he would be loving and respecting their mother as the greatest gift he could give them. The other posts are correct- he is only thinking of himself. Continue to pray for him but also don’t allow yourself to be a victim- know what you need to do to protect you and your children.
I have said a prayer for you.

In Christ,
Deborah
 
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