Husband keeps contacting former girlfriends

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My husband and I both belong to an online social website. You can become “friends” with people and contact them. It’s been great to hear from old high school friends again. It was always an unwritten rule that you just don’t talk to ex’s. I dunno, it just seems very disrespectful so I never did it.

A few months ago I found out he was “friends” on this website (facebook) with his ex fiancee who he lived with for a long time. He had made some inappropraite comments about some of her photo’s and that she “looked” good. I confronted him on it and told him it really hurt me. He apologized profusely, said it was wrong of him and just dumb curiousity and that he would “unfriend her” and it wouldn’t happen again.

I was under the assumption “it wouldn’t happen again” meant he wouldn’t contact ex’s anymore. I asked how he would feel if I chatted with ex’s of mine and he said he wouldn’t like it. I thought I got my point across but I guess not!

Fast forward to today. I go to log into my facebook account and it’s already open. I thought I forgot to log out so I didn’t think anything about it. I go to my “inbox” to respond to a message someone wrote me the other day and quickly realize these aren’t my messages. But they sure caught my attention! Turns out my husband forgot to log off his account sometime yesterday

There in front of my face in all it’s glory were MORE Messages to another ex girlfriend reminising about their first kiss, some “memory” in a woods (i can only imagine what that was!) and she was telling him a dream she recently had about him and he was interpreting it for her. All this while he talks about our kids playing by themselves in another room and I’m at work. So he’s sitting here talking about their past relationship and interpreting her dreams why I am working and our kids are being ignored.

So I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not. I just feel completely disrespected. Especially after last time which was MUCH more innocent I feel and he knew how much it hurt me. And he said he wouldn’t do it again. And he went behind my back and did it again. What doesn’t he understand about it’s not polite to converse with your ex’s about past relationships???

I don’t wanna know about what you did in the woods. I don’t need to know and I think it’s completely innapropriate for you to be talking about it with her anwyays.

This is someone who claims to be a “devout” Catholic and regularly attends confession. I thought he truly took marriage seriously, but am starting to wonder if I really “know” who this person is.

He is a little too friendly with these ex’s and compliments them a little too much. Factor in the fact that I told him I don’t talk to ex’s cause I feel it’s disrepectful and I feel very hurt by this all. It’s one thing to talk to an ex and say “hey how’s life. How are your kids? What are you doing lately?” It’s another to reminise about your actual relationship

So what do you think? Am I over reacting? Should I confront him?
 
I think that you are not over reacting and clearly your husband is using facebook to connect with ex girlfriends and reminise. The question is why and I think it is something you should ask him.
 
First let me say you have every right to be upset if there are conversations that are inapropriate between a Ex .

Sigh >> I know this too well and my Wife remnded me quickly as well … but there were other issues of why and i could make up excuses all day … but they would never be good enough … in my eyes and it was the realization that i was wrong and was putting my mortal sin out there …

WHOA you say !

Any Attention you give to the oppisite Sex be it a kind hello or Wow you look awsome << drool >> Could be considered cheating … If i am on line and i am flirting or joking with other women it is cheating i could be giving that attention to my wife i shouldnt need an outlet to like the computer to satisfy my Lusty piggish behavior i have a beautiful wife and it took some very harsh words from her to tell me HEY KNOCK it off i will leave out the other expilicts … Needless to say we worked through it i am better for it and we Appreciate each that much more.

So perhaps both of you just delete your facebooks and myspace account try Xianz.com is a network site for christians vs the others …

just my 2 cents
 
Girl, this is coming to you from a guy’s point of view.

You tell him simply, lovingly and firmly, that this his hurting you. Tell him how you are feeling, and why yhou feel said feelings.

If he still is insistent up doing what he is doing, tell him okay! He will then have to give you all passwords for email and facebook. You are able to check them all the time to make sure he isn’t “on the prowl”

If he then refuses, sadly, lock the computer with a password that only you know.
 
DH and I are both on facebook. We are friends with each other, so, he sees who my friends are and I see who his friends are.

I know some couples who share a facebook account “Joe Sally Smith” - if I or my husband had a trust issue, that is what we would do.
 
I think it is important that you discuss these “memory excursions” with your husband explaining that you find them (at best) inappropriate and disturbing. Additionally, I would ignore what the member “canne” (interesting name) had to say.
 
Ask him how he would feel if you were the one chatting up old boyfriends and commenting about how hot they look in their pictures.
 
wanner47 said:
Ask him how he would feel if you were the one chatting up old boyfriends and commenting about how hot they look in their pictures.
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This actually is not a very good question; especially if things are not on the up-and-up.
 
Personally, I am very, very glad that the Vatican came our recently and warned of technology addiction. Facebook membership is especially prone to this and can lead to what you are describing. When it became a problem for me, I gave it up.

In my view, social networking sites like Facebook can be the occasion for sin, lead to typing things we would not normally say, and seriously hurt feelings.

You could restrict use somehow, like make a rule that you two can use it only on a particular day. If that does not work, I tend to think it would be a good idea to talk to your priest with your husband. It sounds like Facebook is sucking him in and that he is not intending malice, but sometimes it is hard to get out alone.
 
wanner47 said:
Ask him how he would feel if you were the one chatting up old boyfriends and commenting about how hot they look in their pictures.
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That’s what I did last time. It was an honest question. He said he wouldn’t like it and that’s when he assured me 4 months ago it wouldn’t happen again. Lo and behold, it has
 
My wife and I both have FB account and I have a large number of friends and she is getting there as well. While I don’t have an ex-fiance I do have many former girlfriends on there, some with whom I was quite serious and one whom I even broken things off with my wife (we were first dating) to got out with this other person for a while.

She has multiple old boyfriends and friends as well.

To my knowledge she isn’t talking about “dreams” or reminicing about their relationship or certain events and neither have I for the most part.

However I have talked with some of my old flames in detail about dreams, current situations etc… I do actually believe one was a dream or a strong memory of me. I shared this with my wife though while I was responding.

IMHO FB can be a fun thing but it requires a lot of honesty if you are going to add people who use to be “more than friends.” It requires that you share EVERYTHING with your spouse about those conversations and keep them few and far between.

My point would be this. When I spoke to my former GF about what her issues my wife was on FB talking with a cousin so we were doing things together. To choose to spend the time on FB talking with old flames when I could be spending the time with my wife would be inappropriate IMHO.

She has to come first, she is my wife. Perhaps that is a discussion you guys need to have. We also know each others logins and passwords just in case we ever got curious or concerned about what the other was up to. That might be a good idea as well.

Joe
 
rpp said:
Additionally, I would ignore what the member “canne” (interesting name) had to say.
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Really? and why is that? It is clear her husband is reconnecting with old girlfriends-she said so herself.
I was under the assumption “it wouldn’t happen again” meant he wouldn’t contact ex’s anymore. I asked how he would feel if I chatted with ex’s of mine and he said he wouldn’t like it. I thought I got my point across but I guess not!

Fast forward to today. I go to log into my facebook account and it’s already open. I thought I forgot to log out so I didn’t think anything about it. I go to my “inbox” to respond to a message someone wrote me the other day and quickly realize these aren’t my messages. But they sure caught my attention! Turns out my husband forgot to log off his account sometime yesterday

**There in front of my face in all it’s glory were MORE Messages to another ex girlfriend **
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I simply said she should ask him about it.

As for my screen name it is simply my first intial and middle name-:rolleyes:
 
*I’d be hurt too, I don’t blame you. 😦 He should be walking down memory lane WITH YOU. Not old fiancees and women he lived with. You both need to get to the bottom of what is feeding his ‘curiousity.’ I hope things work out, my prayers are with you. *
 
It is inappropriate, mysweetpeas. Married men and women shouldn’t be using facebook to ‘hang out’ and stroll down memory lane with former gf’s and bf’s. It is hurful to the other spouse. One thing to say hello, how are you…but definitely hurtful to chat with women he had a serious relationship with about their past sex lives, etc…

I’m not sure what is motivating him to do this, but this isn’t about changing passwords and babysitting your husband. Unless you want that type of marriage. I think that you both need to have a serious talk about your marriage, what he wants for the future, and how can you both get there. Counseling might be a good idea…if you are both open to it. At this point, you are very hurt, and it might take a little time to heal the sting of what you discovered on the computer.

I will hold you both in my prayers. I hope things get better soon!
 
Whatevergirl is right. Your husband should not be doing what he is doing. And Jwashu, you need to be very very careful as well. These incidents of “innocent” talking to exflames often leads to real life talking which then leads to other things. I’ve seen it happen to more than one of my friends.

However, you can’t babysit or police your husband’s computer usage as one poster suggested. He’s not your child, he’s your partner. And the fact that he is hiding his conversations from you by using the email instead of the open chat or wall postings should be sending up huge red flags for you.

I really feel like you both need to go see a marriage counselor asap before this leads to worse things.
 
That is so inappropriate, especially if you already told him how it makes you feel. I have no advice really as I just came across this myslef with my dh and in my moment of anger I emailed the woman to tell her to never contact him again and thanked her for causeing a 2nd fight w/dh about her, I asked her if she had any decency to stop this nonsense with a married man and blocked her from all his emails. Immature of me? yes, but she hasn’t been able to contact him again… oh, and I did put a password on the little computer access he had and now he needs me to unlock it when he wants the computer (long story but he has a porn issue and VERY limited access to the computer because of it, now more than before). The only difference is that we had agreed before we married that this was a no-no. He hadn’t contacted this woman before, but I guess he heard she had a big problem and emailed her telling her that he was sorry he didn’t call her when she needed it, but that he was too embarrassed to call, and if one day he didn’t feel embarrassed any more, that he’d call her. You can imagine my reaction, hence the email to her. I told her that I was very upset learning that he was writing to her especially because he mentioned a future phone call. Oh, and this was while I was recovering from my near death experiece that happene 4 days prior to this email… :mad: so I totally understand where you’re coming from.

I’d suggest talking to him about how it makes you feel but really sit down and talk to him about it. Ask him to delete them and block them in front of you or what a PP said, ask him to give you full access to his emails and facebook and other sites he cold have contact with them. If he has nothing to hide he’ll give them to you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. :hug1:
 
i guess not having internet access in the home is out of the question?

(i am seriously considering it for many different reasons)
 
*Joe, the difference between you and the OP’s husband, though, is that he is clearly hiding his interactions from his wife. Because they are not of an innocent nature, we can assume.

I don’t even think* about old flames. 😊

Facebook, myspace, the internet in general while it can be a good thing, it can be a playground for near occasions of sin for many.

mysweetpeas, again, you’re in my prayers. I really think you guys need some help, counseling of some type. Your husband, to be emailing women that he was once engaged to or living with–behind your back–keeping it from you–this doesn’t edify your marriage whatsoever. Don’t feel badly for feeling angry, or hurt. I just hope that your husband chooses to stop the behavior. God bless. (((hugs)))
 
tilly1 said:
i guess not having internet access in the home is out of the question?

(i am seriously considering it for many different reasons)
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*Then, he could email the person at work. I see disconnecting the internet as punishing her, she probably likes to use the internet, plus, it will only serve as a bandaid for her husband’s issue of what motivated him to do it in the first place, and the lying about it.

Before every action we do, we have to think about it…mull it over…and THEN, we do it. So disconnecting the internet will only cause him to stop the behavior…AT HOME.

I think that counseling would greatly help, and to get to why he feels the need to talk to old flames about their old love lives, instead of focusing on his wife. *
 
yessisan said:
. oh, and I did put a password on the little computer access he had and now he needs me to unlock it when he wants the computer (long story but he has a porn issue and VERY limited access to the computer because of it, now more than before).
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I just don’t think a wife should have to police her husband. He is a partner, not a child. I understand your reasoning but I still don’t think it’s right. And if the person who is being policed is really wanting to do whatever it is they are doing, they will find other computers to accomplish their goals with. If a husband is “misbehaving” then the root of the problem needs to be found. You can’t live your life not trusting him. That’s no way to have a marriage.
 
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