Husband Keeps Re-financing The Home In Lieu Of Working-------

  • Thread starter Thread starter sparkle
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sparkle

Guest
Friends: What should a wife do in this case, if anything: hubby continually keeps re-financing our home in order to get cash, pay the bills, all the while not getting or keeping a steady job, rather getting fired from each and every job for irresponsibility, etc. “not meeting expectations, coming in late, etc…”; I have 4 children and a large home to keep, working outside the home for me, at this time, is out of the question. I am getting so sick and tired of husband’s total and complete irresponsibility in the way he manages/fails to manage our finances. HIS parents have been paying our mortgage now for a year. I wonder here what to do? Husband is simply not providing/and/is a lousy one at that. Why this week, he left me $20.00, and we are nearly starving, with no gas in my car, etc., He doesn’t seem to want to anything to rectify the situation, but merely re-finance yet again, making our payments so much higher, which now we cannot afford, which is why his “MOMMA” has been paying them. Friends, I have on my hands a complete and utter, incompetent man, what should I do??? I so want to tell his folks that by continuing to pay our mortgage, they are not teaching their son how to be responsible, it has been this way for over 15 years. I guess, this is all up to him. He has been “enabled” for years by his parents.

I have lost respect for my husband at this point, needless to say. And I just wonder, if any of you have some thoughts for a wife in my shoes. Of course divorce is not an option.
 
Pray for your husband. Ask St. Joseph’s intercession for him. And act loving to your husband in spite of everything. I have no other advice. I’ll say some prayers for you too. Your situation sounds very difficult. It is very sad that this has gotten to the point where you say you have lost respect for your husband.
 
Dear Sparkle,

I"m so sorry for what you’re going through. You have many, many such posts on this forum; it seems as though you and your husband have numerous, serious disagreements and issues that are taking a severe toll on your children as well–I believe you once posted about your teenage son who has abusive, violent tendencies. Have you availed yourself properly of all the professional help out there with counseling, marriage retreats, etc.? I don’t remember you writing about trying any serious programs or methods of intervention.
 
What state are you in? Most states are marital right states, meaning the loan cannot go through unless you sign some of the closing docs. If you have to sign the docs to make the loan go through, then don’t sign them.
 
40.png
maendem:
Dear Sparkle,

I"m so sorry for what you’re going through. You have many, many such posts on this forum; it seems as though you and your husband have numerous, serious disagreements and issues that are taking a severe toll on your children as well–I believe you once posted about your teenage son who has abusive, violent tendencies. Have you availed yourself properly of all the professional help out there with counseling, marriage retreats, etc.? I don’t remember you writing about trying any serious programs or methods of intervention.
Click to expand...
Friend: Thank you so much for replying. Yes, you are right. ALL our issues, in my opinion are because HE is such an absolute idiot. Cannot keep a job, is NOT acting as a father to his sons, IS not managing to keep a job, etc., one thing after another. I do not know how to proceed here. I know anyone reading this would say: “you have no marriage end it now”…but I can see all the harm it does to kids, etc., and all parties involved. Yes, in my opinion there is more harm in this case than even thinking of the “D” word. I feel, this is NOT what is best. My question though is what do I do? what do I say to him??? HOW do I get him to get his act together? What can a wife do to get her H to be more responsible? FACE the consequences for his actions. Yes. I have heard this numerous times, which is what I think is the case now. NOW, after 3 times re-financing our home, taking money out for us to live, and HIM being faced with the repercussions of it, just might get his act together here. I dunno. Many would say I need to “pick up the ball” get to work, and face/ tackle HIS responsibilities, “wear the pants”, work to pay the bills, despite the repercussions of my kids. I heartily disagree with this philosophy here. This is just what his “momma” did, and it has literally destroyed their home. I do not feel this advice would be the right advice. Does any God-fearing woman have some practical advice? I so need it. How to approach hubby? what to say?, etc.,???

Thank you.

My one cousin says just eat beans,
 
don’t know if we can be of any real help given this venue, but i do wish you peace and promise you will be in my prayers…
 
You can’t change anyone else - only yourself. I’d go to my pastor and seek advice. Also, figure out where you and your kids can live if the need arises.

—KCT
 
This sounds like the worst example of what can happen when one spouse (usually the wife) cedes to her husbands authority and allows all his decisions on financial matters to be the sole and final decisions to be made.

I just voted in the other poll… I am very anti in pre concieved role playing in marriages…I dont like rigidity in what roles husbands and wives-“should” be. Even if the house is in his name, these are not decisions he should be allowed to make on his own. If you threaten to leave him will that work, or simply anger him to cause violence?

Pray.
 
40.png
sparkle:
Friends: What should a wife do in this case, if anything: hubby continually keeps re-financing our home in order to get cash, pay the bills, all the while not getting or keeping a steady job, rather getting fired from each and every job for irresponsibility, etc. “not meeting expectations, coming in late, etc…”; I .
Click to expand...
since you phrase the question that way, I would take control of family finances, get my name off all credit cards, get a job and establish my own credit, close joint checking accounts and get my own, make sure my taxes are filed properly and begin to file a separate return, and make sure I was guided by a good lawyer and accountant during this process. I would take steps to protect investments and assets, and prevent my name from going on any refinancing. I would also prepare for the divorce, which is inevitable.
 
Have you tried counseling, marriage encounter or retrouvaille? If he refuses to go than get counseling for yourself.
 
As I understand you circumstances, you must have the patience of Job to put up with this. Your first obligation here is to your children. You are entitled to get help from any source you can, which certainly includes your in-laws. Don’t be ashamed to go to them or to anybody else. Tell them their grandchildren are hungry, etc. See if they will pay the mortgage and give you money for food and clothing. That is better than seeing their grandchildren live in a car. See if there is some way to get on welfare. Go to food shelves. See if your church will spring for some money. If your husband has siblings, approach them. How about your folks? The children and their grandchildren too.

You know, divorce may be out of the question, but separation is not. Maybe you can get a place to live and leave your hubby out on the street.

What a nightmare you describe.
 
I would recommend nursing school. You need a good paying job. Go talk to a counseler at your closest community college about the pre-requisites.
 
Since your husband is not good in the job department, can you trust him to be the “stay-at-home” parent, while you work? I know this doesn’t sound ideal, but it might be the best solution for the stability of your family. I agree, it sounds like you could be heading for divorce, and it would be worth trying before divorce happens.
I agree with the nursing school idea. Excellent career for moms with flexible work schedules so that you can be there for your kids when needed. You can start by getting a job in a hospital, most will pay your way through school while your working. You can get an associates degree as an RN in 2 years, and you’ll make plenty of money to support your family.

I was in the same situation as you years ago. DH was terribly irresponsible and just wouldn’t pay bills and I ended up getting evicted with a toddler and a newborn. Luckily, I was able to move in with my parents. That horrible situation prompted me to take action. I immediately applied for nursing school so that I could take care of my kids. Thanks to God’s intervention, DH straightened his act up completely and our marriage was saved.

It’s time for you to take ACTION. Concentrate on supporting your family. I know it’s ideal for your kids to have you not work, but that’s not the best plan for your family right now. Once you’ve gotten yourself in a position where you can support your family, it will take lthe stress off of your marriage and with God’s help, you and your husband may be able to work this out. That is the best scenario for your kids.
 
40.png
puzzleannie:
since you phrase the question that way, I would take control of family finances, get my name off all credit cards, get a job and establish my own credit, close joint checking accounts and get my own, make sure my taxes are filed properly and begin to file a separate return, and make sure I was guided by a good lawyer and accountant during this process. I would take steps to protect investments and assets, and prevent my name from going on any refinancing.
Click to expand...
Were you my sister, I’d be at your house today, helping you begin these steps. Not tomorrow - today.

Please, do not worry about being right and teaching your husband a lesson. Teach your children that an adult steps up and takes responsibility - regardless of their married role/name. Please, take care of yourself and your kids!
 
Hi there my Catholic sister. It breaks my heart to see you so sad. Even though I do not know you, I pray for you daily and I am sad.

What you need is a Catholic intervention. All of us are gonna meet at your local coffee shop - send a limo to your house to give you the red carpet treatment and have some good 'ol fashioned CA fun - say the rosary for you and him, drive the limo over to mass at noon, pray the Chaplet at 3:00.

Wouldn’t that be fun? I’ll still do that for you today anyways. Well, save for the limo. 🙂

But honestly, you are one of my favorite people here. My husband did not work 8 of our 10 years of marriage. I don’t know what to tell you, but I can certainly feel your pain.

As always, I will pray for you, but now I will pray for him as well.
 
40.png
puzzleannie:
since you phrase the question that way, I would take control of family finances, get my name off all credit cards, get a job and establish my own credit, close joint checking accounts and get my own, make sure my taxes are filed properly and begin to file a separate return, and make sure I was guided by a good lawyer and accountant during this process. I would take steps to protect investments and assets, and prevent my name from going on any refinancing. I would also prepare for the divorce, which is inevitable.
Click to expand...
Except for the inevitability of divorce, I concur with the above post. It is most important and prudent that you develop financial independence from your husband, lest you run the risk of his irresponsible behavior bringing you and your children down the financial tubes with him. It is much nicer to work from a position of strength than dependency/insecurity when confronting your husband’s irrresponsible behavior.

It sounds like you really have to step up to the plate and assume more of the financial responsibility for the immediate and long term security for your kids; since your husband appears to have abdicated his head of household responsibility. Very, very difficult and stressful situation, feel bad for you, will pray for you.
 
Hi Friends:

I appreciate so much hearing from you all! JRABS–you’re so special. And your plan sounds so fun! Ya know? I don’t have one Catholic Friend. Being that I just got out of RCIA (confirmed Easter Vigil) and my whole entire family Evangelical Protestant’s, I’m just sittin here thinking, PLEASE Lord, bring me some Catholic Friends…perhaps this is why I love this forum. We’re all kindred souls. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers.

Well, as far as my situation, we’re not actually ever hurting for food or starving–it’s never gotten that bad, and really don’t think hubby is THAT irresponsible where he’d ever let that happen. BUT, it’s true due to his CONSTANT job lay-offs, firings, he hasn’t had a steady job with steady income now for a long time. And yes–he hands me a 20 here–a 20 there—as if I can plan the family meals on this? What is he thinking?

You are all so right in telling me I must get a part-time job, even though I am completely “spent” with 3 kids, him, and all the housework, etc., I just don’t know if I have the strength to even look. I used to be a career woman for years prior to marriage, but being married to him has totally zapped my strength and resources. Only will God’s grace get me out of my situation. Divorce is not an option here, at all. We have not been abandoned or abused, luckily. But, certainly some more financial independence is. Have been working temp work a bit–but it’s so uncertain-----now I know I have to find something more permanent. and how I can’t wait on him. Funny, I always wanted to be a nurse, but math and sciences are not my forte, more the creative type. Worked in law for years, but hate the “business world”, “office stuff”, and could NEVER go back to it. As I said God will have to intervene. I know he will.

Last nite as I layed in bed, praying the rosary, hubby woke me up saying he “went to mass yesterday” on his lunch hour. WHAT? I was so shocked. I felt it was an answer to prayer friends, as he’s shown no spiritual zest now for our whole marriage. Maybe there’s hope. Have had a green “conversion” scapular under his side of the bed now for months…I know God has lead me to a deepening relationship with Him through all of this, through my suffering so to speak, and that if we can make it in OUR marriage–anybody can in theirs, and that’s the truth.

Thank you for your prayers, now I must get down to business and try to find some job.

Love ya all. Prov. 3:5-6 is my best friend these days.

*“Trust in the Lord with your whole heart, on your own intelligence rely not, In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths”.😉 *
 
40.png
sparkle:
Last nite as I layed in bed, praying the rosary, hubby woke me up saying he “went to mass yesterday” on his lunch hour. WHAT? I was so shocked. I felt it was an answer to prayer friends, as he’s shown no spiritual zest now for our whole marriage. Maybe there’s hope. Have had a green “conversion” scapular under his side of the bed now for months…
Click to expand...
This is a wonderful step in the right direction. I am glad you shared this. I have been praying for conversion in you r family long and hard!
God is working. Have hope. I know the Green Scapular works, but sometimes it just takes some hearts longer than others.
 
Hi Sparkle! I’ll pray that you can find an answer to your dilemna. What a terrible thing!

I agree w/puzzleannie’s post, although I would try separation before divorce, which is a final act. Who knows?
 
Sparkle,

My husband was fired from his job several years ago. We had already been having financial difficulties. We just adopted our second child (who was 6 mos. old when he was fired, our oldest was 21/2). I had just quit my parttime job 2 DAYS before he got fired to be home with the kids. My job was eliminated, so I couldn’t get it back. He was fired for doing something stupid which made me so mad!!! So, here we were no jobs and 2 little kids. So, I got some flexible contract jobs (I’m in health care field), bought some private insurance and did what I had to do. My husband did odd jobs and went back to school. It was 5 years before he began working full time again. He is very low on the totem pole salarywise still. I now work a very parttime, flexible job. I am so glad my dad made us go to college. I always thought it was silly as I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Many of the suggestions from the others, especially Puzzleannie are right on. Credit cards have to be taken care of. It’s a good example to your kids to take care of this. Maybe if your husband sees that you’re not going to just sit there and suffer, he will stand up and take charge. Either way, stay the course. Get some training and get a decent job.
I will also pray for you. You may want to consider some type of financial counseling in addition to the spiritual counseling already suggested.

God Bless
Giannawannabe
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top