Husband kicking us out

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Here’s the thing, too Iowa…abusive relationships really don’t change, when the abuser doesn’t see anything wrong. I was in an abusive relationship before my dh…it did not last all that long…I did not marry the guy, so my circumstances were a bit different. But, he definitely scared me into thinking that I could never leave him. But hanging out with him was dreadful, too. In some ways, you may wonder…what happened to the nice guy I remember meeting? Largely why women stay in abusive relationships are two things fear and fear. Fear of leaving…fear of staying…fear of saying the wrong thing…it all keeps you immobilzed, which is what an abuser wants. And, not that I totally agree with mercygate’s comments…but, I think what that poster means is that a person can only hurt us, if we keep accepting it. If you stay…and try to make this marriage work–he won’t try, see. He will not try to make it work, because he thinks the world is wrong, and he is right. Again, if he were to truly change, and seek help…any marriage is saveable if two people seek God in all things. But, if one is only trying…it will not work for long.

So…ultimately, you must make the toughest choice you might have ever had to make, but I think for your own safety and sanity…leaving would be a good thing for you and your child. God bless you…stay strong! Abusers are good at saying sorry…and the whole cycle starting again.😦

You can weather all storms through Christ.
 
Iowa, if nothing else gets you out of there, consider this… do you want your son to treat his wife this way? Cuz if you stay with this man, that is what he will learn. Your sweet, innocent little boy will turn into an abuser. Kids live what they learn.
 
Iowagirl - My take on things may sound a bit different than most of the others, but I say take your child and go to your parents home now. If your husband has anger problems, I feel it is better to contact the abuse hotline mentioned in a previous answer after you are in a safe location. Why take any chances with your safety and the safety of the child. I am sure your parents will welcome you with open arms now.

Take whatever important papers you think you will need with you. Contact a lawyer or legal aid once you are safe, and then follow their direction. My last worry would be about material possessions. They can always be replaced.

Chirstmas would be much better spent with those you love and that return your love with their own, than in a household filled with fear and anger.

Put your trust in our Lord and His Mother. Ask our Blessed Mother to guide you and protect you and your child.

I will pray that Our Blessed and Most Holy Queen of the Rosary take you both into the Garden of Her Immaculate Heart and protect you from harm. I will also pray that your husband turns away from his anger and gets back on track to the Truth.
 
Iowa! Listen up!

Click here and LISTEN to this! It’s FlyLady’s blogtalk radio show yesterday and it is about how to deal with a situation just like yours!

They advise having a source of money, having all your and your kids legal information (birth certificates, social security info, etc), keeping a full tank of gas in the car at all times.

They advise talking to a shelter because they will help you put a plan together.

God bless you, Girl. You are NOT alone. But GET GOOD ADVICE!
 
As usual, I have a few things to say…

  1. *]Your dh cannot take the child away from you as long as you are not beating, neglecting or otherwise harming your child. Courts cannot determine custody based on income/poverty level.
    *]call a shelter and talk to them… they have tons of resources for women in need… counseling, job placement, skills training, day care etc…
    *]Your parents would probably be thrilled if you came home before Christmas… call them!
    *]Get court ordered child support… taken right our of his check! I don’t get child support to this day because my lawyer didn’t listen when I asked for it to come right out of the check.
    *]If your husband is anything like my ex… be prepared to do without child support… he quits his job every time they finally find him and serve him garnishment papers.
    *]You need counseling… no offense… but you do… you are stuck in a victim role… you need help to deal with it or this WILL happen again
    *]Pray and pray some more… This is how me and my kids got over the anger from all the stuff my ex pulled… made the kids feel better because they were active participants in praying for daddy to get better… (which is a much better way to describe anger problems as an illness)
 
IowaGirl,

As others have said, this is a very precarious situation. Your safety, and the safety of your children, are at stake. Quick and decisive action may be required on your part.

If you are reading this and you have not yet left. Stop right now. Log off of CAF, turn off the computer, grab your kids and some clothes, stop at the bank and get some money (but not all of it), and head to your parents.

Consider the wise words of others here like Dulcissima , MercyGate, LizAnne, WhateverGirl, TMango and others. In fact, I heartily second what TMango said. Leave now!

And DO NOT forget the number that Dulcissima so kindly provided:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Do not wait until after Christmas. Do not wait until Saturday. Do not wait until tonight. Do not wait until after lunch! GO NOW!
 
Iowa, have you recorded him? I would if I got the chance. Prayers for you here big time. :gopray2:
 
As one who grew up as the child in an abusive family, all I can say is GET OUT NOW!!! BEFORE he hurts your son! He will hurt him, I know.

Call the hotline, then call a lawyer. Get as much money as you can, and go the shelter with your son. LEAVE as soon as you can. It will NOT get better.

I will be praying for you! :crossrc:
 
Iowa,

Their is very solid advise and encouragement in the posts above. All can add at this point is this:

Hail, holy Queen, mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness, and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile show us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God.
That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

I will pray the Holy Spirit lifts you and your child up and protects you during this extremely difficult time. God Bless you Dear.:signofcross:
 
Sweetie, here’s a kleenex. Stop crying. Congratulations! Merry Christmas! Go HOME NOW RUN DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT $200!

He just gave you the world’s best Christmas present.

There is no piece of furniture or anything there you need so much that you must wait to leave. In a few years you won’t want to look at any of it anyway. It will just be a sickening reminder of him. Trust me. Let him choke on it. I’ve ended up replacing most everything I had that he didn’t take anyway. You want stuff that doesnt’ have his feng shui all over it.

Your family will buy your boy new toys. Trust me on that one.

They will LOVE to have Christmas with you! YAY! They’re probably worried sick about you and having you safe with them will be the best thing in the world. TRUST ME ON THIS!

Pack up clothes, important papers… you got good advice from everyone else. Take a few favorite toys for the baby. Go.

When you get to your parents, make sure you call the local police department and let them know what you are dealing with so that if you have to call them again they will know there is a DV issue there. Husband may be the kind that thinks about things and then pays a visit. Don’t answer the door. Call the police.

Your husband gave you permission to leave. Understand many abused wives are terrified to leave because if they do, they will be killed. So they sit in one place unable to leave. So he opened the door and said get out. Thank your lucky stars. But even then, when you are gone, he may become really nasty.

You are stronger than you think. You can get a job. You can earn your own living. You are lovely, and funny and pretty and likeable and when you are away from him you will realize it again and kick yourself for staying as long as you did and listening to his load of crop.

You don’t want to be with him during the holidays. Holidays make bad people worse. Get out now. The courts will sort this out later. Be sure to see a lawyer where your parents are.

Make sure you take that letter he wrote where he said he didn’t want the boy. You will need that.

Don’t look back. You’ll turn into a pillar of salt.

Trust me when I say your life is going to get so much better. Really. He didn’t break your heart now. He broke it years ago. You’re about to finally get it fixed.

This isn’t your fault. He sounds like a narcissist. They blame everyone but themselves.

Tell your child you’re going to have Christmas with grandma and grandpa. Don’t tell him until you are in the car though.

STOP CRYING! You’re about to get your sense of humor back! You’re about to get your life back. This is the best Christmas ever!

Good luck!

And you’re gonna look so much prettier when you lose that 185 pounds of ugly fat. Trust me!
 
IowaGirl80 said:
yes, but I don’t have a job here currently - we just moved and i Have been home for a couple of months. I would have to move and find a job there where my parents live. if I stay here, he will leave and stick me with the aprtment costs and everything. Tell him to pay up? Yeah, right. He’ll just go back to his home, or put our finances in his name (withdraw the money). Or, he’ll hire an attorney and go for our child. I don’t want that. If I do anything he doens’t want, he’s got the upper hand and that’s just how it is. If I take the money we have, or put up a fight, he’ll go for rights and I don’t want that.
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Contact a women’s shelter or domestic abuse hotline and they should be able to connect you with lawyers who volunteer for cases just like yours. Alternatively, you could contact local parishes and see if any of them either know of attorneys who work pro bono or if they can put you in contact with a Society of St. Vincent de Paul conference. The one at my parish does have contacts for a couple of attorneys who offer free legal counsel and I’m sure many other conferences have similar contacts.

You might want to contact your bank and see if you can put a lock on the account so that he cannot close it out or block your access without first contacting you. If both of your names are on the account, I think you still have legal rights there. If he does walk out and stick you with everything, you could always sue for desertion. You have options. DO NOT believe him when he says that he is in control. He knows he isn’t which is why he’s escalating his threats.
 
SeekerJen said:
Contact a women’s shelter or domestic abuse hotline and they should be able to connect you with lawyers who volunteer for cases just like yours. Alternatively, you could contact local parishes and see if any of them either know of attorneys who work pro bono or if they can put you in contact with a Society of St. Vincent de Paul conference. The one at my parish does have contacts for a couple of attorneys who offer free legal counsel and I’m sure many other conferences have similar contacts.

You might want to contact your bank and see if you can put a lock on the account so that he cannot close it out or block your access without first contacting you. If both of your names are on the account, I think you still have legal rights there. If he does walk out and stick you with everything, you could always sue for desertion. You have options. DO NOT believe him when he says that he is in control. He knows he isn’t which is why he’s escalating his threats.
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Amen.
 
Nothing to add to the already great advice you’ve gotten. Just a big cyberhug and my prayers for the safety of you and your son.
 
Iowa;

You’re in my prayers, too!! Follow the advice given; don’t give yourself time to chicken out; just do it.
  1. Gather up all of your important documents and put them in your purse. (Including any and all threatening notes he has ever given you.)
  2. Get a change of clothes for you and your child, and some toys, and put them in any kind of bag or anything handy that will hold them.
  3. Get the child, put everything (including the child) in the car, and drive away.
  4. Go to the bank and take out as much cash as they will let you.
  5. Find a phone and call the women’s shelter. Ask to come in and talk to a counsellor about getting a lawyer, etc.
  6. Contact your parents and tell them you are coming over to visit.
 
I’m so sorry…But it sounds like you’ve tried and you need to get out NOW. Before he does become physically abusive as well as mentally. {{{BIG HUGS}}} for you and your son, and you are both in my prayers! You WILL get through this!

Anna x
 
I would add, open an account in you name only and get your name off all his credit cards.

You are in my prayers and so is your husband and child. You need to get out of that situation and I would do it before Christmas.
 
IowaGirl, you and your son are so in the prayers of my son and me. Rely on God’s strength to do what’s needed. God bless you and keep you safe. If you’re able, please let us know how you are doing.

Gertie
 
The people who are telling you to get an attorney are right. Laws vary in different states. Taking your son and leaving would not be a mark against you in my state, though it might be in some.

Clean out the financial accounts before you do it; the same day, if possible. You and your son will need the money. It will all get sorted out later. Don’t worry about it now.

Don’t sign that agreement. In this state, it wouldn’t hold up. In fact, it would be a black mark against your husband that he had you sign such a ridiculous thing. But I’m saying don’t sign it because you ought not live with him any longer, agreement or no agreement. And do you want him to show it to your son?

Say nothing. Give no warning. Leave with your son when your husband is at work, clean out the account immediately when you leave. Get a lawyer… the same day if you can. You will probably have to do it in that order, though it would be better to talk to the lawyer first. Problem is, you have to have money to do that, and I suspect your husband watches the accounts like a hawk. Don’t take risks.
 
Oh yes, and DON’T TALK TO HIM if he calls at your parents’ house. Beside the fact that he might talk you into coming back (and then you wil REALLY be in trouble), he’ll likely record everything you say or, minimally, misrepresent the conversation. Tell him to talk to your lawyer. Let your lawyer take the heat. That’s part of why God made lawyers; to take the heat.

And, yes, secure you car in your parents’ garage or disable it when you park or something. Lots of these guys like to go pick up the car in the middle of the night to leave you stranded.
 
Praying that her absence here means that she has decided to act on this and get out. :crossrc:

Iowa - please give us an update when you can so we know you are ok.

:hug1:

(ljprevo - LOVE LOVE LOVE your new signature! 😉 )

~Liza
 
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