Husband leaving

[dolphinlove]

Well the roller coaster of my life continues on. Husband today at the house talked and played with the kids for 1/2 hour said he was at happy hour before coming here. Offered him some wine. Started to talk to him about Retrouville. He sayd it interferes with football and hunting, so no. He would not be able to commit. Not good timing. I said I am putting us first, maybe I didn’t in the past. I became tearful and then walked away because I cannot cry in front of him anymore. He said I never have stood by him. I said what has changed in a day. You said yesterday I think we can work things out. He refused to pray with us as a faimly. He stood outside the door and listened to me and our 2 children pray together. He says he shouldn’t have come here today just came tomorrow I follow him to the car and his cell phone rings and says he has to go, and just drives off. I continue to pray and really am not surprised by the outcome. Each day something different comes up and I feel they are excuses to what the real problem is. He brings things up from over 3-4 years that we have already discussed. Not sure what the real issue is yet. Taking things minute by minute day by day. My faith in God’s plan is strong and I am becoming a stronger and better person. Please continue your prayers for all failing marriages.
Kristen

Kristen,
I feel for you, and im sorry for what you are going through.
And i must say to you, i am in no way a councillor, but i can offer you some options if you choose to take them.
But what struck me first is, you talked while he was intoxicated.
Maybe if you talk to him when he has not had anything in his system, that way you are both thinking clearly and the things you can say to each other will be full understood. I know what one glass of beer/wine/spirits can do to a persons rational thinking.
Also, i was watching a tv program, and one of the things they brought up was fights within the home, and one of the most destructive things is bringing up the past, maybe suggest to him to try and forget about the past and concentrate on the current situation. I know its very hard to forget about things in the past, but, in saying that, thats what it all is, the past. We all make mistakes in life, thats why we have this wonderful gift called forgiveness.
I will pray for your husband to sit down and talk to you and listen, for your sake and the kids sake.
God bless you and I hope you find peace

 

[KCtheMommy]

I have not read the whole thread – but WHY would you not hang out on Saturday? You know it’s “my fault” so you only alienate him further by not showing up at a reconciliation date because YOU are hurt?

Girlfriend, if you want to save the marriage – outside of prayer and maybe help by the priest (at the same time if you really are causing all the tension – why should a priest force your Dh into something he’s miserable in?) read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It will hopefully help you get your priorities straight. Meanwhile put your fee-fee’s aside and focus on the most important person in your life right now who’s feelings SHOULD mean as much as your own.

Ask yourself: “Would I treat my best friend like this? Would I want MY best friend to treat me this way?” Treat your husband like a best friend. It’s amazing how GOOD life can be.

My goodness you can have the best relationship in your life if you just let him be him, and let him love you. I pray for you.

 

[kmc404]

Well, my husband and I talked and he said he can’t be in the same room with me that he just wants to make love. I told him when he comes home we can do that. He says he didn’t want to come home for just that. I consented and made love to my husband. But this was not spiritual or love making and I believe this was only sex. I said,“you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours”. Well after making love we talked, just a normal conversation. He asked about our daughters school. We talked about his work. He said this was nice and I replied yeah we used to do this just sit and talk. Funny how life is, I said and he replied you never know what the future will hold. His last email to me, prior to the act of making love. Is that he does not want to talk to a marriage counselor. He is putting himself first behind his children. He said I am focusing on the reasons why he left. And not the actual act of him leaving. He said he left the two most precious things in this world and broke a deep personal vow to himself that he would never do that. He stated do you know how infuriated a person has to be to do this? I called him and said yes you did do something that you said you vowed you would not do. But you didn’t file for divorce and just stay and then hand me papers. I explained you left out of desperation and despair that you felt that there was no other option. He says he is torn, part of him wants to come home and thinks that we can work things out. But part of him does not. I said if you can’t be in the same room with me and just want to make love and hold and kiss me, then you want to be with me. I asked if he gets like this around anyone else, and he stated “no, not really”. I said again then you want to be with me, and even though you were hurt and so infuriated that you still want to be with me. He brought up the point that he has left once and the second time would be easier. When he walked in that day and I said I would make love, he said “I do love you” I told him not to say those words. He is to drop off our 2 children tomorrow. I called yesterday and said to have Katey bathed and ready to go to a baby shower and he said I don’t know how to do her hair. I said then you have to learn. He jokingly said I’ll have my new girlfriend, show me how. I do know that this was a joke. I am meeting with a Catholic couselor on Tuesday and am praying the Novena. I asked my husband if he wants to pray with me, he says “No” prior to the love making. I am not sure if I did the right thing. He wants his cake and eat it too. Wants to be this single man and put himself first, play dad sometimes. I was trying to show him that I am putting him first, he said that this would clear his head. Seperated since August 13th, starting on my 6th week. Each day is different and I pray for the man to return that I love and cherish, but I don’t want to be a door mat, either. I have not gotten the book yet, I don’t think he would be up for reading it anyway at this point. I keep my spirit up with guidance from the Holy Spirit, and imagine Jesus carrying me through these tough times. God Bless you all for your continued suggestions and support. This truly is God’s work and whatever happens I am a better person for taking up my cross and following Christ.

 

[Maria1212]

Well, my husband and I talked and he said he can’t be in the same room with me that he just wants to make love. I told him when he comes home we can do that. He says he didn’t want to come home for just that. I consented and made love to my husband. But this was not spiritual or love making and I believe this was only sex. I said,“you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours”. Well after making love we talked, just a normal conversation. He asked about our daughters school. We talked about his work. He said this was nice and I replied yeah we used to do this just sit and talk. Funny how life is, I said and he replied you never know what the future will hold. His last email to me, prior to the act of making love. Is that he does not want to talk to a marriage counselor. He is putting himself first behind his children. He said I am focusing on the reasons why he left. And not the actual act of him leaving. He said he left the two most precious things in this world and broke a deep personal vow to himself that he would never do that. He stated do you know how infuriated a person has to be to do this? I called him and said yes you did do something that you said you vowed you would not do. But you didn’t file for divorce and just stay and then hand me papers. I explained you left out of desperation and despair that you felt that there was no other option. He says he is torn, part of him wants to come home and thinks that we can work things out. But part of him does not. I said if you can’t be in the same room with me and just want to make love and hold and kiss me, then you want to be with me. I asked if he gets like this around anyone else, and he stated “no, not really”. I said again then you want to be with me, and even though you were hurt and so infuriated that you still want to be with me. He brought up the point that he has left once and the second time would be easier. When he walked in that day and I said I would make love, he said “I do love you” I told him not to say those words. He is to drop off our 2 children tomorrow. I called yesterday and said to have Katey bathed and ready to go to a baby shower and he said I don’t know how to do her hair. I said then you have to learn. He jokingly said I’ll have my new girlfriend, show me how. I do know that this was a joke. I am meeting with a Catholic couselor on Tuesday and am praying the Novena. I asked my husband if he wants to pray with me, he says “No” prior to the love making. I am not sure if I did the right thing. He wants his cake and eat it too. Wants to be this single man and put himself first, play dad sometimes. I was trying to show him that I am putting him first, he said that this would clear his head. Seperated since August 13th, starting on my 6th week. Each day is different and I pray for the man to return that I love and cherish, but I don’t want to be a door mat, either. I have not gotten the book yet, I don’t think he would be up for reading it anyway at this point. I keep my spirit up with guidance from the Holy Spirit, and imagine Jesus carrying me through these tough times. God Bless you all for your continued suggestions and support. This truly is God’s work and whatever happens I am a better person for taking up my cross and following Christ.

I think you did the right thing by doing everything possible to keep the lines of communication open. I will pray for you and your husband at Mass today.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[jules11]

Kristen, don’t feel bad for making love with your husband. Sometimes for men, their self esteem rests on this and how attractive they are to their wives. Sometimes it is the one thing that breaks the ice and can lead to hearts softening enough to work through things. You should not feel bad or feel like it was just sex. Just keep loving him and look to God for help and strength. One day at a time…
God bless

 

[bocajlehcar]

Hi Kristen, It is painful for me to read what you have been going through. My Husband has been gone for nearly 4 months. He says some of the same things your husband does, and refuses to forgive me for things that are insignificant when weighing forgiveness (or even an attempt) vs. divided time with our 3 children and the fact that their lives are forever changed for the worse.
We are currently attending different churches and I am considering going to talk to his priest to see if he could intervene in any way. My husband becomes angry and vile when ever I mention counseling or Retrovaille, so I was hoping his Priest could convince him that it’s worth the effort.
My question is, have you spoken with your priest yet, and is he willing to approach your husband?
I will be praying for you and your children.
Thank you,
Rachel

 

[kmc404]

Rachel,
I am speaking with our priest tomorrow. When I told my husband he said, “Oh, why” I said for some spiritual guidance. My husband attended church this week and somehow he justifies his behavior. I told him that God has brought us together through a sacrament and blessed us with 2 children how can he not want us to be together. My husband looked sad when I spoke to him today. He says again that he didn’t think he would be gone this long. I said maybe God doesn’t want to make this easy. He listens and will think about coming for dinner on Wednesday again. I said maybe we can focus on the future instead of the past. I told him father recommended Retrouville and I told him that I didn’t think he wanted to attend. I am glad he went to church maybe he can reflect spiritually on this. My husband says that yes you are trying and he is not. I told him to think about what legacy he is leaving behind. My daughter followed the car as he went away and it breaks my heart. I have faith in God and through the Holy Spirit I have learned patience and humility.
One day at a time. My husband said I want instant gratification and I said no I am looking at the small things and am glad that we are talking. My prayers are with you and your family. God never makes anything good easy. Through our struggles we become better people each day as we take up our cross and follow Jesus.

 

[kmc404]

I now am going to try to be the strength of our marriage and to remain their no matter what my husband does. Almost like Jesus’ unconditional love. To be a safe place for my husband to want to come home to. I pray for strength and peace. Thank you all and God Bless.
Kristen

 

[WICatholic]

As someone who is recently divorced, I would just like to emphasize how horrific a divorce is. It is not anything that should ever be threatened. If either of you had even an inkling of how emotionally gut-wrenching and expensive a divorce is, you would swallow your pride, put aside your hurt, and really talk to each other – and you would listen to what the other has to say – and really take that other point of view into consideration. Please do contact your husband and let him know that you are finished playing games, because that is what you were doing when you taunted him to leave and when you wouldn’t show up to talk about saving your marriage.

There are so few circumstances in a marriage where separation or divorce is actually called for. I really hope your marriage is not one of that type, and I do hope you have the heart to do all you can for your marriage. Praying for you and for your family.

I will be praying also. I agree with everything you said. Those children are what count, and the vows said. The “D” word should never be used when angry. The children (regardless of age) are always affected…

 

[WICatholic]

He is meeting with a counselor from our church tomorrow. He states he does not want to go but is going for me and I guess that is a step. He says he doesn’t want to come home because he does not think things have changed. I told him I went to a counselor and that is something I have never done before. He is taking no responsibility for him leaving and not trying to talk with me before he left. I have cried, begged and pleaded that does not work. I now am just working on being civil, trying not to cry and plan on not calling him. He does not want to forgive. I love my husband and it is a shame that this has to happen for me to realize this. I wasn’t terrible all of the time and I wrote him that card to remind him of the selfless things I did

Words are not going to do it, I am afraid. We all say things to try to make things better (called ‘empty promises’) . The only thing that is going to convince him that things will be different is action. It isn’t easy, but if you read # 7 and # 8 again, and again, and again, you may begin to catch the key phrases. You cannot take his inventory, nor do his examination of conscience. You can only take yours, and examine yours.

It isn’t patience that you need, to be honest (and I am speaking as one who has been the route of forced unilateral divorce, raised my children alone from little to adulthood). It is accountability and committment to the vows you spoke on your wedding day, til death parts you. You need to own only your behavior, attitudes, and not justify anything that you have done in the past as being caused by his actions or inactions. You owe it to God, you owe it to your husband, and you owe it to your children. And that is the order of priority (even though your children are little, and that does not mean neglect the kids).

If he is willing to go to a counselor for any reason, even if ‘just for you’, you are much better off than most in your situation. Be grateful, and go. Tell him, and tell any counselor that you want to change and save your marriage. Learn better communication skills, and leave the “D” word forever in the trash where it belongs.

True, he did not have to leave, but would he have left had you not told him to, given him permission to do so in the past? I am not excusing him, but he is not the one who wrote in.

Read Elizabeth Marquardt’s book “Between Two Worlds” to see how children (of any age) are affected by divorce, and then read # 8 again. She is a child of divorce. She speaks for your children.

If he does not want to go to counseling, you go. You go alone, and you do not buy into the 'It takes two" thinking of today. It takes one to break the chain of fighting and threatening. The best part of going alone is that you work on you, and we end up growing up then. I speak from experience on that issue. Eventually, if your counselor is any good, that counselor will invite your spouse in for a session or two (even if phrased… ‘to help your wife accept’… or ‘to help her understand’… ) and will then HOOK him into more, and perhaps even into reconciliation.

You cannot work on him, nor change him. I also strongly recommend Retrouvaille.

Your kids are so very young, take it from one who has been there…that divorce will never end, no matter what mankind or society says, until your children are grown…and even then, it will continue. Divorce is like an unending death.

If you really do not want it, then show it, don’t say it.

I am not trying to be harsh or cruel, but realistic. Do not get into his faults. Only he can deal with them. You learn to communicate your needs, and you learn to be the kind of woman that you need to be in order to be a good wife for him. That old saying of Actions speak louder than words is the motto you need to adopt.

Your job as part of One Flesh is to aid your husband to Salvation, not to make him make you happy. That is the Vocation of Marriage.

It is why I am still, after 22+ yrs, living my vows and praying for him. I want to meet him in Heaven for all Eternity.
It has also taught our children that God means it when He says in Malachi that He hates divorce… and He hates it because of what it does to the children.

God bless, and give you a wise counselor who works to SAVE marriages, not counsel divorce/annulment/remarriage…

 

[WICatholic]

I emailed him a thank you list…
We shall see what becomes of this…
When my feelings get hurt for whatever reason I say the meanest, most hurtful thing I can think of and obviously that is sinful and I have repented for my sins…
I am remaining ever hopeful but as time goes on that hope starts to dwindle day by day.

There has not been much time gone by. It did not take overnight to get to this point, it won’t be overnight to fix it. You can’t do something and expect any response back, then take back what you said/did because it ‘didn’t work, he didn’t change’.

Read the colored line again. I did the same thing. It was MY fault he was so hurt, not his. It was MY sin that drove him away. Yes, he had/has his own faults/problems. But I am the one who had to change ME. Not him. God alone can work on him.

If you want your marriage to be restored, then you need to stop taking his inventory (AA/Alanon talk) and work on yours. It is also imperative that you make up your mind what your vows mean to YOU. Do you really mean ‘as long as you both shall live?’… til death do you part? Because if you do, then before God and mankind, that is what you live. It is a choice.

 

[WICatholic]

Kirsten,
Please don’t think you are the only one hurting. Your husband is a man and he doesn’t react the same way you do. He has been conditioned to keep his feelings in and be strong. That’s not a bad thing, it’s hard to get things done when one is sobbing and the man is supposed to get things done. If he too, only sees the good he’s done and not the hurt he’s caused, well, then you both are in the same place and are going nowhere. Pride and stubborness have no place here. (“it’s my belief, pride is the chief cause in the decline in the number of husbands and wives.”)
You have come a ways since your first post but how long in your marriage have the two of you been hurling insults and threats at each other? Don’t give up after one month. The scar tissue is deep.

I posted here a year ago about my son who was having an affair with a highschool sweetheart. After my initial rage subsided months later, I found out the other side of the story. The sweet girl I believed my Daughter in Law to be was the side my son loved and wanted to be with forever. The side he saw far too often said “I hate YOU!” when she meant “I hate what you did”. She often threatened divorce and it cut him to the quick. She would shop to “get out of the house” but spend on unnecessary items to the point they couldn’t pay the bills then be furious with him when he wanted her to make the phone calls telling creditors the payment would be late or short. He works in agriculture, sun up to sun down and more, his time and resources for income is limited. I could go on but it’s unnecessary. The point is, until you spend some time putting yourself in his shoes he will see no reason to make an attempt to do the same. My son was soooooo coldblooded to everybody who loved him and he told me he got himself and his family into the mess, he wanted to prove he was mature enough to fix everything by himself with no help or advice from us. I suspect he was setting his own childhood up just to prove it could be fixed and didn’t have to end in divorce. So far, he’s failed but they still talk every night and they both still love each other, there are family pressures from her father to never come back and she is so far just not mature enough to tell her father he is not the head of her family. Time will tell.

The reason I recommended the books by Dr. Laura (and please do go to Retrouville!) is because that is something you can start on RIGHT NOW, you don’t have to wait for a class to open up. The books aren’t long. But they are thought provoking and will get your head out of what’s been done to you and will help you concentrate on what you can do from here.

The only person you can change is yourself and if this marriage fails do you want to take that same self into the rest of your life?
Love your marriage and care for it as though it were your first and most loved child.

Excellent! Read this again…

 

[WICatholic]

We have had similar issues. I have reacted and said awful things to him in anger, only to find that he took it as truth and then says ‘its over’ Its a game of cat and mouse and it gets very exhausting and stressful.

I have now decided that no matter how hurt I feel, no matter how angry or upset I get over what he does, I am going to try to do and say everything right. With God’s grace, I am going to swallow my pride and be the loving wife I should be regardless of what he does..

It does, and you are right… it is a game, and games have to stop.
your conclusion is exactly what needs to be done, said, lived, demonstrated. Exactly. Wise woman. No matter what he does, you live what you vowed. A choice.

You have now made a decision that will bring about the changes in you that need to be made to be the woman God created you to be, the wife you need to be… in the Vocation of Marriage, which is to work with God, aiding your spouse to Salvation, and your own Salvation.

 

[WICatholic]

I have not gotten the book yet, I don’t think he would be up for reading it anyway at this point. .

Get the book for you to read, not for him to read. And when you read it, read it for Kristen, not for him (I made that mistake… it does not work. )

God bless!

 

[kmc404]

I did start to show my husband. Today was his mother’s birthday and I asked to go with him, and the kids to wish her happy birthday. I went it was a little akward, but OK. I bought the cake, the card, flowers and picked up dinner(he paid). I wore my wedding ring and engagement ring. I asked him if he wanted to stop by after he taught CCD tomorrow he said he would see he probably would be tired. My daughter cried and hollered not for her dad to leave, it broke my heart. I swallowed some of my tears, but unfortunately, I am not made of stone, and some let loose. I asked about dinner on Sunday after the game he said he would think about it. I am giving him options, space, time, no pressure. How else do I make my words become actions, when I see very little of my spouse? I told him today that I will be our hope. He said today the worst case scenario is that we can be friends. I told him, I took a vow and that I take my faith very seriously. He asked when I had last gone to church, I have not gone in awhile, and stated that I am going on Saturday. He went last Sunday and I asked if that made him a better person than me? And he said no, I would never say that. I have tried to keep a close distance. Telling him what the kids and I are doing. At times to me he appears to brag. Telling me he goes to the bar, riding bikes with his sister, wanting to weight lift with his friend, almost to purposely slight/entice me to fight. I have held strong and not brought any of those things. I just say you were home and with your family before. I could go out but I have the kids all the time and unable. I kept my cool today. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him. He thanked me for getting all the things for his mom. I offer opportunity after opportunity and continue to be pushed aside which is something that I accept. I am working on me and controlling my actions and cannot control anyone else. I may seek counseling for my daughter who is having a hard time with this at times. She doesn’t know how to express all of her feelings and thoughts. I learn to turn this pain into rejuvination of my soul, that needs to be saved. I thank you all for your help and advice. God Bless you all and I do pray for the dedication and committment to love my spouse unconditionally.
Thank you.
Kristen

 

[kmc404]

I emailed him yesterday about the things that I love about him and asked him the things that he used to love about me. Not things that he did for me, the person he is and love. He said it is too bad that I did not appreciate him when he has here. He has no questions to answer. I said I thought you were still thinking about whether you should work on our marriage. I thought that was the question. He repeated maybe we can be friends worse case scenario. I have heard that at least 5 times in email and in person. I am trying to stick by ny vows and weather this storm that seems to be unending. I asked him to go to church with me he said he was going with his sister. I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner over our house on Sunday he said he would think about it, but today he said he was moody and cranky and not a good time to talk and hung up on me. He says something changed him forever when he put a price on his children’s lives. I told him he didn’t tell me that until after he left. He agrees. I continue to pray each day for my husband that he finds peace and that he looks again to rebuild our love. Thank you all for your thoughts. I don’t know what actions to show him. God Bless you all.
Kristen

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

Give him a little bit of space. It sounds like he doesn’t want to be around you just now. Try and give him some time to get his head clear. Take that time to pray and ask God to give you strength and calm so that when you do talk to him again, you can be at your best.

 

[kmc404]

I was going to call him and see about dinner on Sunday. But after reading several comments and your replies, I think I will not. I am trying to let God guide this. My counselor said I need to be a distant close. He is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. She said that I need to be the hope for our mariage and I am trying, but it is cery hard. He now is displaying physical characteristics of stress he has had 2 panic attacks in 2 days and he states that he no longer has a morning erection. He told me today he knows something is wrong. Emotional stress can cause physical symptoms and he had blood work drawn that came back normal. He is meeting with the MD on Monday and I hope and pray that he will talk to him about emotional stress and physical changes that maybe he needs to seek counseling. I try not to analize his thoughts and feelings. I miss the man I love so much. Sometimes I just give up all hope and then I pray, I come to this forum cry my cries and express my feelings. I become more centered and calm and continue to have faith. God Bless you all again.
Kristen

 

[stadre]

As hard as it is, it might be best to not push him too much right now. I know how hard it is–he’s your husband! And the best thing for all involved is for him to come home.

In difficult times, I turn to St. Joseph. This novena is a favorite of mine: catholic-forum.com/saints/novena04.htm.

 

[Norseman82]

Speaking as a guy, after reading how this is unfolding, I see two possible things going on, neither of which are pretty. Either:

1. You really did a number on the guy and he is hurting big-time similar to how abused wives feel, in which case you are just going to have to acdept the consequences.

Or:

1. He is just using this as an excuse to get out.

I notice that you mention that he teaches cathechism? If that is the case, I think it is even more imperative that you consider that as “leverage” and involve the priest at the parish. This is going to be tricky, because as other posters have noted, he may need some space (if #1 is the case) for awhile to gets his bearings and trust back, but at the same time, if #2 is the case, you don’t want to wait too long in case he “settles into” separated life or, for that matter, finds someone else.

Bottom line: get that priest involved, at least to accomplish two things:

1. Find out your husband’s state of mind so you may know how to approach him
2. Even more importantly, the priest can somehow keep an eye on your husband so that he doesn’t “stray” - kind of like an “accountability partner”.