Husband lied about strip club

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Personally I think it was for the best he was pressed to come completely clean. Otherwise chances are more details or lies may have come out from friends yet again down the line and these lies and trust issues would be rearing their ugly head all over again.

OP: If he TRULY is sorry and you want to keep your marriage intact, you will have to forgive him. It doesn’t mean you won’t still be mad, since hurtful actions can still have lasting consequences even after we say we’re sorry and forgive each other. So it’s probably going to take a long time.

He’s going to have make an effort to build back your trust – making sure that you and the child are higher priority than his friends with his time (which should be the case anyway), and keeping the outings with them at a limit and in situations where it wouldn’t be that hard to reach him, especially if you need his help with your little one. Personally I think he should cool it with the trips with friends for a while. I don’t think going to Vegas is a good look – not right now anyway. If he’s going to plan any trips anytime soon, it best be with you! 💞

My prayers are with you.
 
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I have two friends in KoC, both active in the church, who went to strip clubs on their bachelor parties. Their wives also went to strip clubs on their parties. They both go when their friends have parties as well. I say that not to mitigate how serious of a sin it is, just to offer the perspective that many people see strip joints as just raunchy fun.

He’s your husband though, and you know him better than anyone. Was it a momentary lapse or is it an ongoing problem? You would know if you had significant amounts of money missing I presume and could tell that way.
 
Werbenjagermanjensen said:
just to offer the perspective that many people see strip joints as just raunchy fun.
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That may be how they see it but it’s really much more than that in that it affects one’s ability to have respect for the human dignity of everyone - viewers and strippers alike.
 
I know exactly how you feel because it happened to me too! You need to know important facts about strippers, strip clubs, and lap dances. I too was very naive and didn’t have a clue what goes on inside strip clubs until I found out that my husband was going behind my back. First, if your husband when into a private room, the minimum amount would of been $200 for 30 minutes. This is a “cheap” rate at a strip club. The stripper gets completely naked and dances on top of the man’s pants. Basically, money pays for anything. You can only imagine… I don’t want to be too graphic so I won’t type it out. However, it is prostitution. Most of the strippers were sexually abused in their childhood and/or do this line of work to pay for heroin. This is a fact. I am in a profession where I see the horrible effects of what strippers are exposed to at the strip clubs.

Like you, I found out from reading a text on my husband’s phone that my husband was going to strip clubs. I had no idea that this was going on behind my back. My husband did this to me for 20 years behind my back. At least you found out early in your marriage. I can sympathize with you and know how you feel. I felt so betrayed. I felt cheated on. I felt lied to. This is cheating. The people who tell you not to worry, or make a fuss say this because they have no clue what goes on inside the strip clubs. It is not harmless fun. Prostitution goes on even in the most expensive clubs… especially when the patrons pay for a private room. At the very least, your husband touched the stripper’s breasts. This is allowed and encouraged by the strippers.

These strip clubs should be illegal. Sex trafficking, prostitution, drugs, and exploitation of women go on at these places. Remember, many of these girls are just 18 years old.

I almost divorced my husband because of this. The betrayal hurt me so bad. It is important that you know this. It is important that you know this stuff doesn’t just happen in “Vegas”… strip clubs are around every city. Google it. You would be surprised how many are within 30 minutes of where you live. It amazes me that these clubs are legal and are allowed to stay open. I would be very worried about your husband spending time with those type of friends. I made my husband pick me or his friends. I told him if he wanted to be married to me he could no longer have any friends that endorsed or participated in strip clubs. Strip clubs are evil and very sinful places…
 
Yes, it is pure evil. I used to believe that it was just women dancing in skimpy outfits. I thought the rules were “You can look, but you can’t touch!” Obviously, this is not the case anymore! Touching is encouraged, and for me that = cheating. I am in a profession where I counsel women who were in the profession as strippers and prostitutes. They tell me their story. They tell me what actually goes on inside these places. I was shocked! I also asked some male friends of mine and they also confirmed what happens inside strip clubs. Strip clubs are all over. They are everywhere. It is so disgusting. Our society’s morals and values truly have declined. You can send me a private message if you want and we can talk further about this. When I found out that my husband was going to those places behind my back it triggered me to have major depression.
 
Just an update—I have been reading every comment as it comes through, even though I may not be responding.

Honestly, my emotions have been a bit of a pendulum between everything feeling totally fine and normal, and then being really hurt and upset. I’m trying to not think about it too much more until we get in with a therapist because a. I need to focus on work and b. it’s exhausting to be sad. He sent me flowers and chocolate to my hotel today (I’m on a business trip) and I’m not sure how to feel about it. He’s trying to do what he thinks will “make this right”, but I still can’t get over the fact that he still lied to me when he had a chance to tell the truth, and there’s a part of me that is worried that there is still some big piece I don’t know. I want to believe him when he says that he has told me everything now, but I can’t now that I know he could look me in the eye and swear on our son’s life that there is nothing more, and then there was. I’m interested to hear what a counselor thinks about that. We are looking into options for marriage counselors and are just waiting to hear back from a couple of places

I generally really hate and avoid conflict, so this is a really tough spot to be in. My general tendency is to be overly forgiving and accommodating without regard for my own emotions and well-being, but I know that won’t fix things in this situation, so I’m trying to hold on to enough of the hurt and anger to remember why this was wrong and why it is a problem that we need to fix. But I do want to get to a place where I can forgive him fully.

So basically I’m still reeling a bit and don’t know how I’m feeling. I love him though and I know he loves me too. I just wish I could trust that this is everything. I hate that I can’t and I don’t know how to move forward without that basic level of trust and transparency. I mostly hate that I feel like I can’t trust my most basic gut instincts about him right now, and that makes it really hard to make any decisions with confidence. But I know that counseling has to be the first step.
 
Did they not see any of these:
From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” -Matthew 4:17
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But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart -Matthew 5:28
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Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. “All things are lawful for me”, but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me”, but I will not be enslaved by anything. -1 Corinthians 6:9-12
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Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. -1 Corinthians 6:18-20
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I fear that when I come again my God may humble me before you, and I may have to mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual immorality, and sensuality that they have practiced. -2 Corinthians 12:21
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For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. -1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
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Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry -Colossians 3:5
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A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. -Proverbs 25:28
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For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age -Titus 2:11-12
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While there are clubs worldwide that are like prisons, the women that work in clubs in the US are there of their own free will and can leave at any time. In many cases their guilt is lessened by drug addiction and past abuse but they are still freely exploiting their sexuality for profit. They are no more innocent victims in any of this than the men who frequent the clubs who also have their own addictions and vices.
 
Elizabeth3 said:
I had a similar experience. Although it didn’t involve visiting a strip club. I declined the whole event because the plan was to bar hop all night. All the ladies were supposed to wear T-shirts with life-saver candies sewn all over the front, sporting the phrase “Buck for a s***”

Definitely wanted no part of that. Luckily, though I didn’t get any pressure to attend.
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🤢
 
Unfortunately, my husband is still trying to earn my trust back. Several times he swore to me and looked me in the eye and lied. I believed him and the lies eventually came out. I had to do my own detective work. Honestly, I bet your husband hasn’t told you everything. Separate rooms for lap dances cost 20 X more than a regular lap dance in a chair on the main floor. This is because there is a lot more touching and contact. You can be certain of this. He hasn’t confessed what really happened.
 
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This is not entirely true. Sex trafficking occurs in these places. Girls as young as 12 years old have been forced to strip in strip clubs. My neighbor is a police officer and has fined many clubs for this! Unfortunately, its just a slap on the wrist. Also, pimps force strippers into prostitution at these clubs.
 
Let’s not lower the bar here as far as how we should view strip clubs. What’s just a laugh and a bunch of fun to an audience are actually poor souls being exploited and robbed of the dignity God wants for them, whether they realize it or not. It’s a place of serious sin for everyone involved with consequences that are potentially eternal. Going to church and being involved in church otherwise doesn’t somehow lessen the gravity of being involved in it.

For all the talk about bachelor parties and “boys will be boys” – women now are just as bad and bachelorette parties are just as bad. I went to one ages ago that didn’t involve any strippers but it was pretty juvenile and vulgar now that I think back on it.
 
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Another fact to ponder. Many of these young women who strip do so to feed their drug habit. I have been told that the Club Manager will hold back a huge % of their money if they refuse to perform sexual services for men who are willing to pay a lot of money.
 
Your posts don’t say how old either of you are (I may have missed this), but is it possible your husband just needs to grow up a bit…or a lot? I think of my own husband when we married 23 years ago and, frankly, he did some really boneheaded, insensitive things. His were mostly money related and, yes, he was dishonest…like a child/teenager would be. I, like you, found it appalling and maddening. But, the lying wasn’t intended to hurt me as much as it was to save his own bacon. It was stupid and childish, yes, but not malicious.

I also wonder if your husband isn’t more of a “follower” rather than a leader among his friends? As a grown man with free will, he should have said no to the bachelor party/strippers. But, again, if he’s easily manipulated and immature, standing up to his mates won’t be something that comes naturally. Also keep in mind that it’s almost certain alcohol was involved the night of his bachelor party. Many of us make poor decisions or say/do things when drinking that we never would if sober. None of this excuses you husband’s choices, of course, but it may help explain some of it.

Beyond the above, I think you both need to examine the friend situation. The woman who told you all of this did so why, exactly? Perhaps it was incidental/accidental on her part, but it still seems like a stupid thing to bring up. At best, it’s just rubbing salt in a wound. At worst? Well, here you are. As for hubby’s friends? Let them catch a ballgame or, if clubbing must be involved, let them treat their wives and girlfriends. The “guy’s weekends” that exclude you as his wife need to end. You are in my prayers.
 
thistle said:
You obviously can’t read. The OP did not say her husband had sex with anyone. She said the girl in the bar did a lap dance and he touched her back and stomach. I don’t know where you get either “sex” out of that or with a “prostitute”. The OP never said either of these things. Please stop making things up because these are ridiculous comments!!
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You said he has no control over where his friends take him for the bachelor party.
I took that to the next extreme. Your comment is more or less saying that he has no option but to go along. There might be a difference between touching a woman and having sex but in reality they are both pretty far along the scale of infidelity.
 
My husband is 50 years old! He was doing this years behind my back with his friends and it didn’t stop with the bachelor parties. They went after going to football games. They went for friend’s birthdays, they went when anyone’s wife just had a baby. They went after drinking at the bar. These men were married, had girlfriends, and a few were divorced. I was shocked how many men were married that went to the strip club. All of these men had good paying jobs and loved to spend their hard earned money on strippers. The wives had no clue. It is shameful and disgusting. Women need to be educated on what happens at strip clubs.
 
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I can’t believe people are saying here this is a tempest in a teapot, this is nothing. It’s incredibly serious infidelity. Unfortunately because it happened right before the wedding, when he told her it wasn’t going to happen, it calls into question his promise at the altar to remain faithful to her in sickness and in health etc.
Definitely grounds for an annulment. If you find out your husband is cheating on you right before the wedding, that means his promise of marriage means nothing. It’s good that you are getting counseling, but please don’t take the annulment route off the table if you can’t work things out.
 
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