Husband lying and hiding porn addiction

  • Thread starter Thread starter Unsungmelody
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
U

Unsungmelody

Guest
So i am new here and rarely go to the internet for problems but I honestly don’t know where else to turn at this point
My husband and I are newly weds and for a bit of time everything was perfect but things started going down hill in May. We are both catholic…non practicing at this point but I do intend to start going back to church once I find a Catholic Church near my house. My husband was baptized catholic but really never went nor really cares to.
Anyways my husband knows my feelings on porn and how it makes me feel. I’ve caught him before and he always apologizes and says he won’t do it again. But he still does it and tries to hide it.

We has a huge arguement over the summer and I has thought we has solved everything but he is back again at it. I’ve sent him links to try to help him overcome it but he ignores it or takes offense to it. He works late and sometimes I am already in bed before he comes home. He stays up later sometimes till 6am and it seems like he doesn’t want to be around me for anything whether for relations or nothing.

He was up super late this whole week and left me in bed by myself. I know what he does I have seen it in the history and even in the “frequently visited” sites on the computer. He either denies it (not realizing I saw it) or says he’s sorry and won’t do it again.

I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. He won’t go to couceling even if I suggested it. The whole thing just makes me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore or what he’s not attracted to me or even just doesn’t want to be with me (as well as feeling cheated on…and betrayed). I don’t even feel like I can trust him anymore as he’s lied to me about this at least half a dozen times 😦
What can I do? What should I do? I feel like our relationship is slowly slipping away and he doesn’t care. We’ve talked about it back in May and how I felt he was pushing me away and it changed for a bit but now I see no more change 😦
 
Hi and welcome to CAF. I am sorry for the pain your husband is causing you with his addcition and I understand your pain all too well. It is betrayal of trust and completely understandable how you are feeling…particularly as you are newly married.

My suggestion would be to arrange to talk to your husband ,when you have planned what you want to say and feel prepared in your mind (you may want to write your thoughts down to refer to) .Let him know exactly how this makes you feel. If it were me I would tell him that in order to save your marriage you both need to go to marriage counselling.

It really will be beneficial if you can get him to go to counselling. He needs to understand how his behaviour has undermined you and makes you feel insecure and deeply hurt.

I shall pray for you both that he will open his heart and be willing to go to counselling…may God bless you and grant you strength and guide you with the right words. I am thinking of you.

Lord please help this wife and her husband and guide them to open their hearts to one another that they may reconcile these issues and overcome them with love for one another and confidence of a strong marriage . Lord in Your mercy hear our prayers Amen

Eternal God , in whom mercy is endless,
and the treasury of compassion inexhastible ,
look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us ,
that in difficult moments we might not despair
nor become despondent , but with great confidence ,
submit ourselves to Your Holy Will ,
which is love and mercy itself . Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
Praying for your husband to receive the professional help he needs to overcome this addiction. Praying for you and your marriage.
 
As he isn’t Catholic in practice he probably won’t be interested in hearing about sin. I’d stick to a secular argument against porn use. And there are a lot of studies out there that show how porn use affects brain function and real life relationships negatively. Just Google porn affect brain and you will see a ton of information and articles on the subject. Do the research so that you have logical arguments against porn use and so that you can show him how porn use changes how his brain works and how it can seriously negatively impact relationships.

Remember, most men who use porn really have no idea that they are literally changing their brains nor do they know how these changes can impact their relationships, so educating your husband might help him to realize what he is doing to himself and to your marriage.

After he understands the effects of porn use on his brain and how that relates to relationship damage, explain to him how much porn use hurts you and why. Hopefully, he’ll be motivated to kick the habit.
 
Unsungmelody said:
So i am new here and rarely go to the internet for problems but I honestly don’t know where else to turn at this point
My husband and I are newly weds and for a bit of time everything was perfect but things started going down hill in May. We are both catholic…non practicing at this point but I do intend to start going back to church once I find a Catholic Church near my house. My husband was baptized catholic but really never went nor really cares to.
Anyways my husband knows my feelings on porn and how it makes me feel. I’ve caught him before and he always apologizes and says he won’t do it again. But he still does it and tries to hide it.

We has a huge arguement over the summer and I has thought we has solved everything but he is back again at it. I’ve sent him links to try to help him overcome it but he ignores it or takes offense to it. He works late and sometimes I am already in bed before he comes home. He stays up later sometimes till 6am and it seems like he doesn’t want to be around me for anything whether for relations or nothing.

He was up super late this whole week and left me in bed by myself. I know what he does I have seen it in the history and even in the “frequently visited” sites on the computer. He either denies it (not realizing I saw it) or says he’s sorry and won’t do it again.

I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. He won’t go to couceling even if I suggested it. The whole thing just makes me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore or what he’s not attracted to me or even just doesn’t want to be with me (as well as feeling cheated on…and betrayed). I don’t even feel like I can trust him anymore as he’s lied to me about this at least half a dozen times 😦
What can I do? What should I do? I feel like our relationship is slowly slipping away and he doesn’t care. We’ve talked about it back in May and how I felt he was pushing me away and it changed for a bit but now I see no more change 😦
Click to expand...
Like all addictions, porn is a major one for men. It could be drinking or illegal drugs, but if you’re married to someone, it would seem that the porn addiction should taper off. But, in your case, it didn’t. Talk to a priest. Make an appointment, even if it’s just a phone call. Present things as you’ve presented them here.

God bless you,
Ed
 
Look up Matt Fradd’s information that is out there. This is a great place to start.
 
You have my deepest sympathy for the emotional suffering you are enduring and I will be glad to pray for you. Many men believe that a little porn is no big deal, they aren’t actually cheating. Yet, they generally have sex, stimulating themselves and ejaculating, while they look at other woman doing all sorts of sexual things in pictures and videos. Sounds like cheating to me. You can type into any search engine virtually any sex act you want to see and find a You Tube video or other source showing just what you have asked to see. The temptation and opportunities are so great that anyone with the slightest problem with porn will have unlimited access for free. The partners of these people are left to deal with this alone just as you are right now. Clearly your husband knows how you feel about it and can’t or won’t stop. He has no interest in going to counseling because he knows what he will hear and what he will have to do. But, you can go without him and I urge you to do so as soon as you can. You need help dealing with your situation and you will be better for learning what you can do to solve this issue. My suggestion to you would be to start a novena to St. Jude and pray to St. Monica who suffered greatly in her life and marriage also. I will pray for you also and I will begin a novena to St. Jude with your intention today. I will also send you a private message in case you would like to “talk” to someone who understands and cares.
 
Unsungmelody said:
So i am new here and rarely go to the internet for problems but I honestly don’t know where else to turn at this point
My husband and I are newly weds and for a bit of time everything was perfect but things started going down hill in May. We are both catholic…non practicing at this point but I do intend to start going back to church once I find a Catholic Church near my house. My husband was baptized catholic but really never went nor really cares to.
Anyways my husband knows my feelings on porn and how it makes me feel. I’ve caught him before and he always apologizes and says he won’t do it again. But he still does it and tries to hide it.

We has a huge arguement over the summer and I has thought we has solved everything but he is back again at it. I’ve sent him links to try to help him overcome it but he ignores it or takes offense to it. He works late and sometimes I am already in bed before he comes home. He stays up later sometimes till 6am and it seems like he doesn’t want to be around me for anything whether for relations or nothing.

He was up super late this whole week and left me in bed by myself. I know what he does I have seen it in the history and even in the “frequently visited” sites on the computer. He either denies it (not realizing I saw it) or says he’s sorry and won’t do it again.

I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. He won’t go to couceling even if I suggested it. The whole thing just makes me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore or what he’s not attracted to me or even just doesn’t want to be with me (as well as feeling cheated on…and betrayed). I don’t even feel like I can trust him anymore as he’s lied to me about this at least half a dozen times 😦
What can I do? What should I do? I feel like our relationship is slowly slipping away and he doesn’t care. We’ve talked about it back in May and how I felt he was pushing me away and it changed for a bit but now I see no more change 😦
Click to expand...
Hello, I’m so sorry you must deal with this. I used to be addiction to porn. It took me a long time to actually admit that I had a problem. When my wife was away, I spent a few hundred dollars one week and my wife found the credit card bill. That’s when I finally realized that I had an issue. I was trying to hide it from her and realized that I couldn’t stop. An addict must recognize that they really have a problem. Until they do, it won’t change. Staying up until 6am – I did the same thing. 😊

I strongly recommend that you start with the following:
Listen to these broadcasts of Catholic Answers Live: catholic.com/radio/shows/breaking-free-from-pornography-10551
catholic.com/radio/shows/just-married-thriving-in-the-first-five-years-of-marriage-10547

Also, please visit this website and give them a call: www.catholiccounselors.com/
You can speak with one of the counselors and get good advice on how to approach this.

Also check out: theporneffect.com/
chastity.com/node/493
mattfradd.com/ << Matt also has a book you can buy on catholic.com called “Delivered” mattfradddelivered.com/

I wish you well and God Bless
 
Unsungmelody said:
So i am new here and rarely go to the internet for problems but I honestly don’t know where else to turn at this point
My husband and I are newly weds and for a bit of time everything was perfect but things started going down hill in May. We are both catholic…non practicing at this point but I do intend to start going back to church once I find a Catholic Church near my house. My husband was baptized catholic but really never went nor really cares to.
Anyways my husband knows my feelings on porn and how it makes me feel. I’ve caught him before and he always apologizes and says he won’t do it again. But he still does it and tries to hide it.

We has a huge arguement over the summer and I has thought we has solved everything but he is back again at it. I’ve sent him links to try to help him overcome it but he ignores it or takes offense to it. He works late and sometimes I am already in bed before he comes home. He stays up later sometimes till 6am and it seems like he doesn’t want to be around me for anything whether for relations or nothing.

He was up super late this whole week and left me in bed by myself. I know what he does I have seen it in the history and even in the “frequently visited” sites on the computer. He either denies it (not realizing I saw it) or says he’s sorry and won’t do it again.

I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. He won’t go to couceling even if I suggested it. The whole thing just makes me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore or what he’s not attracted to me or even just doesn’t want to be with me (as well as feeling cheated on…and betrayed). I don’t even feel like I can trust him anymore as he’s lied to me about this at least half a dozen times 😦
What can I do? What should I do? I feel like our relationship is slowly slipping away and he doesn’t care. We’ve talked about it back in May and how I felt he was pushing me away and it changed for a bit but now I see no more change 😦
Click to expand...
At this point what you need to do is tell him exactly what you told us on here. He needs to know that this is damaging his marriage and maybe even that you will not stand to put up with this forever, which is what I am sensing.

You say you are both newly weds. I doubt this started happening after you married and he’s probably been looking when you both were engaged and perhaps even dating. It’s possible he thought marriage would mean no more porn desires, but it really doesn’t work that way. 🤷
 
This is one addiction I do not understand.

I do understand the underlying cause though, men like women and desire to be with them sexually, OK, that is normal, but if you married and are watching porn hours upon hours, then the REAL issue is, they want an affair with someone, but what I dont understand, is why instead of sitting at a computer, why arent they out at the bars trying to hook up with a women, I lived a life like this in my early 20s, and jumped from bed to bed for awhile, Im not proud of it today, but it happened, nothing I can do to change it. I enjoyed sex alot back then, but I would have had no desire to sit in front of a computer and masturbate all day, I preferred the real deal, so I went out bar and club hopping with friends almost every night.

The fact is, every man can do this if he chooses, I cant understand why ANY man would prefer to watch porn on a computer and ‘take care of them self’, when the real thing is out there waiting…??

I realize bed hopping is not any better than computer porn, its all sinful, but I would think its more sinful to basically have an affair with a computer, or a fake woman.
 
mikekle said:
This is one addiction I do not understand.

I do understand the underlying cause though, men like women and desire to be with them sexually, OK, that is normal, but if you married and are watching porn hours upon hours, then the REAL issue is, they want an affair with someone, but what I dont understand, is why instead of sitting at a computer, why arent they out at the bars trying to hook up with a women, I lived a life like this in my early 20s, and jumped from bed to bed for awhile, Im not proud of it today, but it happened, nothing I can do to change it. I enjoyed sex alot back then, but I would have had no desire to sit in front of a computer and masturbate all day, I preferred the real deal, so I went out bar and club hopping with friends almost every night.

The fact is, every man can do this if he chooses, I cant understand why ANY man would prefer to watch porn on a computer and ‘take care of them self’, when the real thing is out there waiting…??

I realize bed hopping is not any better than computer porn, its all sinful, but I would think its more sinful to basically have an affair with a computer, or a fake woman.
Click to expand...
I don’t understand this post. It seems to me obvious that a flesh-and-blood affair causes direct harm not only to oneself and one’s wife, but also to the person you are having the affair with. So it wouldn’t be *less *sinful than a porn addiction.
 
Unsungmelody,

Your husband is hurting very badly emotionally, and he is trying to medicate that pain with porn. His emotional pain is not your fault; it is probably focused on hurts from his childhood.

He is not capable of stopping this, by his own volition. He is an addict. I definitely imagine that he is genuinely sorry. But he can’t just stop. The addiction is his escape from emotions that he is terrified of feeling, from facts he is terrified of admitting.

Remember: this is not about you. He is not doing this to hurt you. Your pain matters, though, and you shouldn’t just bottle it up.

If he does make it past this, it will be because he develops relationships of deep intimacy with others; obviously, his relationship with you will be central. But you can’t be his mother here. You can’t focus on making him feel like a “bad boy”. He already feels like a bad boy, and he likes feeling like a bad boy. You need to treat him with dignity, no matter how pathetic he sometimes seems.

I’m not the only porn addict that has found a huge amount of freedom. Your husband can be healed. But he needs to reach a point where he’s willing to be vulnerable and admit that he is powerless to stop looking at porn. That’s where his conversion can begin.

God bless you, sister!
 
Prodigal_Son said:
I don’t understand this post. It seems to me obvious that a flesh-and-blood affair causes direct harm not only to oneself and one’s wife, but also to the person you are having the affair with. So it wouldn’t be *less *sinful than a porn addiction.
Click to expand...
I agree with this.

I would also add that porn is attractive to many people because it requires very little “risk.” There’s no chance for rejection. It’s easier to hide. With online pornography you don’t even have to face a cashier or a mail carrier who might recognize the packaging. It’s instantaneous, and largely anonymous (at most, you’re a credit card number or an ISP.) You can also get exactly what you want, highly tailored (to a ridiculous level…truly) without having to give anything of yourself. That is what makes pornography so dangerous - it completely distorts the very meaning of sex - from an expression of intimacy and example of self-donative love, to the strictly selfish exercise of pleasure-seeking.
 
Unsungmelody said:
So i am new here and rarely go to the internet for problems but I honestly don’t know where else to turn at this point
My husband and I are newly weds and for a bit of time everything was perfect but things started going down hill in May. We are both catholic…non practicing at this point but I do intend to start going back to church once I find a Catholic Church near my house. My husband was baptized catholic but really never went nor really cares to.
Anyways my husband knows my feelings on porn and how it makes me feel. I’ve caught him before and he always apologizes and says he won’t do it again. But he still does it and tries to hide it.

We has a huge arguement over the summer and I has thought we has solved everything but he is back again at it. I’ve sent him links to try to help him overcome it but he ignores it or takes offense to it. He works late and sometimes I am already in bed before he comes home. He stays up later sometimes till 6am and it seems like he doesn’t want to be around me for anything whether for relations or nothing.

He was up super late this whole week and left me in bed by myself. I know what he does I have seen it in the history and even in the “frequently visited” sites on the computer. He either denies it (not realizing I saw it) or says he’s sorry and won’t do it again.

I just don’t know where to turn or what to do. He won’t go to couceling even if I suggested it. The whole thing just makes me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore or what he’s not attracted to me or even just doesn’t want to be with me (as well as feeling cheated on…and betrayed). I don’t even feel like I can trust him anymore as he’s lied to me about this at least half a dozen times 😦
What can I do? What should I do? I feel like our relationship is slowly slipping away and he doesn’t care. We’ve talked about it back in May and how I felt he was pushing me away and it changed for a bit but now I see no more change 😦
Click to expand...
I’m also very sorry to hear what you’re going through. Most of the above suggestions are very good. I would highly recommend that you seek counseling for yourself if your husband won’t go. That’s what I ended up doing under the same conditions, and it definitely helped me and my marriage. It also helped me tremendously to pray for God’s guidance, go to Mass, and receive the Sacraments as often as possible. It’s amazing what Our Lord and His Blessed Mother can do to help if we just let them into our lives more completely. I would highly recommend seeking out the nearest Catholic Church to your home and starting there. You also might want to speak with the Priest either on the phone, in the office, or even during the sacrament of Reconciliation about the problem. It will be nothing new for him to hear since it’s a horrible addiction for many men (some confess it, some don’t), and he will likely be able to offer some very good advice to you as a wife.
You or any other women reading this and going through it might also want to join the support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with this issue and the hurt involved, and it helped me at lot in my marriage. You’re definitely not alone, and it’s NOT your fault that your husband is doing this, so please know that. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are perfectly normal, but things can get better. Please know that you are in my prayers.
As an aside to the poster who indicated that actual affairs with live women would be less sinful than a porn affair — I can’t imagine in a million years how that could be so. Perhaps you are trying to legitimize and minimize the sins of your past and the damage done to your soul as well as to the women you had affairs with. I would highly recommend the Sacrament of Reconciliation to you if you haven’t already received it if you are Catholic. It can make a world of difference in your life — and even more importantly, your afterlife. Prayers and peace to you as well.
 
He could be “addicted” to porn. It does exist.

Or he could just be a sinner who has a weak or bad character.🤷

Before I gave it the title addiction or tried to analyze his childhood I would tell him that it is not acceptable to you and you may have to leave the house if it keeps up. He is victimizing women and it will make it’s way into your bedroom.

Like a lot of men, I used to look at porn. I lived a lifestyle that not only was not ashamed of the porn but heck, my roomate and I had it on our coffee table. My future wife found my stash once. She told me she was not going to date someone who was so into porn. I threw it all away that night in front of her. 2 trash bags worth. And never looked back. There have been temptations but sometimes it just comes down to honor, integrity and morality. Once I had children it became less of a temptation and more of a repulsiveness. lf anyone ever looked at my daughter that way, I would die. And porn has gotten grosser and grosser and more violent and depraved. Get it out of your house. Have your background to the computer be a picture of you on your wedding day, or a picture of Jesus on the Cross. Get internet filters. It may be that you have to unplug from certain things or have software that can monitor things. But it would be best if he had a monitoring buddy that was not you. Also, ask a priest for some resources for him. Priests deal with this every time they offer confession so a good priest can have some great ideas and resources.
 
I find this curious, back when I was sowing my wild oats in my younger days, I didnt see the need to look at porn that often, as I was out picking up REAL women, and would NEVER have been satisfied just sitting at home looking at a computer screen or magazine and taking care of myself…the REAL thing was SOOO much better anyway!

Ive read all the replies and understand why porn is easier to get to away with for alot of men, but the actual addiction they have is a sex addiction, not really a porn addiction, hard to explain myself here but I will try…If they are looking at porn online or in print, and then taking care of themselves, inside they are thinking about physically being with that women in real life, so that is what they really desire,Im just surprised so many men are content having a ‘fake affair’, I would think eventually the desire would get so strong, they would start going out and trying to pick up a real women, and would no longer be content taking care of themselves, I know I would not be content with that.

Im not proud of the way I was living back then though.
 
mikekle said:
The fact is, every man can do this if he chooses, I cant understand why ANY man would prefer to watch porn on a computer and ‘take care of them self’, when the real thing is out there waiting…??
Click to expand...
First, not everybody has the exact same issue. Your statements (in this and your other post to this thread) assumes that the porn user is either morally okay with porn use and/or that they are okay with an affair. Many people with porn issues are on some level at least trying to resist it, the problem is that it is so accessible, anonymous, and ultimately addicting that they fail over and over again. Many of these people may not even had sexual sin issues if they lived in an earlier age.
 
OP,

I am sorry you are in the situation that you are with your husbands porn use. Sadly it is a common issue these days, you are not alone in this.

I am glad to hear that your are considering returning to the active practicing of the Catholic faith. I highly encourage you to meet with your local priest. There are a number of important issues regarding your marriage, including your husband porn use that he can help advise you on. It is near impossible to break a porn problem if you are in not in a state of grace, hopefully you and your husband can both return to the Church, get sacramentally married and defeat this porn issue with the help of God’s Grace!

If your husband does want to stop, there are some practical steps that can be taken.
  1. internet filter for your home.
  2. restrict mature content on your tv, and do not watch any shows that show sexual sin as normal and acceptable (birth control use, pre-marital sex etc.)
  3. enable restrictions on his smart phone, or get a dumb phone,
  4. pray daily
  5. try to be in the same room at night
  6. go to confession (at least monthly, weekly if serious sin has occurred)
  7. realize that little temptations lead to big failures down the road.
  8. see step 4, 5 and 6 and repeat.
  9. it gets easier, but you need to stay vigilant about avoiding temptation forever
If he is not willing to fight this, including taking the necessary steps, you should have a very serious discussion with your priest on how to proceed. If he is not fighting it things will only get worse. If he does fight it things will get much much better.
 
When a man starts to like sex, it is very much addictive because of our testosterone level. Young men especially will have strong desires and will always be hungry for it. I am one of those who happened to like it long time ago but it just faded away growing older. My suggestion to you is not to scold him afront but to talk in a nice way. Let him him know the danger of excessive viewing and the risk of getting into illegal activities. Some men are not satisfied with one partner that is why they like to have new faces most of the time. My fear is for him to go into extreme of contacting minors. Also, there is always the possibility of exposing himself to others while he is being recorded. Get him help if you can from a professional counsellor. It just so happened you picked someone with this kind of problem. Some setback for this is also getting tired of natural ways, and erectile dysfunction due to overuse, which will lead to another problem. I wish you luck.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top