Husband not coming home

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Pinkyyy

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My husband sometimes goes out to a club around here (about an hour away) and he spends time with his friends and that kind of stuff. Well the bar closes at 1:30 and he should have been home at least by 3. It’s 5 and he’s not home. He has done this before. It makes me distrust him. He doesn’t care and says he doesn’t have to answer to me.

My cell phone is broke so I can’t call (we only have long distance through the cells) so I can’t get ahold of him and even though I ask, he NEVER calls to let me know what’s going on (he has his phone and could call the home phone - I have made sure the line is free all night incase he needs a ride or call). He may be drunk and sleeping at his friends, he could be eating breakfast or something with them (they have done that), or for all I know he could be dead in the gutter.

This is rediculous and I’m pretty ticked right now - what should I do when he comes home?
 
Prayers for you and your husband.When he comes home and if he is intoxicated,let him sleep it off before trying to talk or reason with him.You might want to make an appointment at your local hospital for a crainial rectal extraction.😃 Peace
 
If this isn’t the first time it’s happened, and he doesn’t at least call or anything, it probably won’t be the last time it happens either. Once he’s slept last night off, you may need to do some talking or tough love. Another thing to consider is that eventually driving a long distance like that with booze involved eventually leads to a DUI. I’ve seen DUIs happen to family and friends 7 times, and they all thought they were OK to drive.
 
Pinkyy, it looks like you are having some marriage crisis, this part about him not having to answer to you… Is it possible for you to see some cousellor at the church? Because it seems to me like there has to be something more behind it, he disappears, is it because he feels bad at home, does he feel that you want to control him too much? Or does he have some issues with himelf and wants to run away from them and the family? Btw, do you have children? Are you the one who is taking care of them? Does he help? Is he involved at home? Are you the only one who has to act responsibly, or does he also take responsibility for some things?
 
Danuska said:
Pinkyy, it looks like you are having some marriage crisis, this part about him not having to answer to you… Is it possible for you to see some cousellor at the church? Because it seems to me like there has to be something more behind it, he disappears, is it because he feels bad at home, does he feel that you want to control him too much? Or does he have some issues with himelf and wants to run away from them and the family? Btw, do you have children? Are you the one who is taking care of them? Does he help? Is he involved at home? Are you the only one who has to act responsibly, or does he also take responsibility for some things?
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Hi Danuska…yeah we have lots of problems. Been that way for a long time. He wants me to be sub-servient. He doesn’t work anymore and wants to jump into a business - it freaks me out - that’s not what I want, but I better do it or just leave because it’s what HE wants. I have gained weight and he doesn’t like my cooking so therefore I am a “useless wife” in the kitchen, house, everywhere. We do have a child. I take care of our son - my husband hates that I don’t work or have a ‘high’ position that rakes in a lot of money. He is not really involved at home. He does nothing basically unless he absolutely has to but he’s a neat freak and expects everything to be perfect. Since he’s been at home it’s I don’t like this, I dont’ like that - I told you to do this that way and you don’t listen!

He doesn’t really take responsibility. He doesn’t want to work for coporations - he wants to work for himself and is putting us into debt to do so - if I object, it’s “leave in the morning then because I want it”. He is irresponsible. He already has a DUI - there’s more to it, but I wont’ get into that. He is halfway to 40 and he still thinks he’s 19. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

He’s still not home either - I am tempted to just take our son and leave for the day for some peace and quiet, but it’ll probably just be a fight b/c he can’t reach ME - but when it’s opposite, it’s either sorry foreget about it, or I’m a man and it’s my choice.
 
Pinkyyy said:
I am tempted to just take our son and leave for the day for some peace and quiet, but it’ll probably just be a fight b/c he can’t reach ME - but when it’s opposite, it’s either sorry foreget about it, or I’m a man and it’s my choice.
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Hey, maybe you should just do that… but on a more serious note, it seems like a lot of issues. It is the issues with the guy, with the marriage, and with you - somehow he got used to having things like that - he is the master, and you… one thing that you can start with is DEMANDING, it would be best if you could find some counsellor, but someone who would be more interested in saving the marriage - because I think that if you want to change the situation, you might have to start with yourself, and that would involve going through some hard times and fights - and someone should help you go through that - how to be assertive without being offensive, how to say no in an non-offensive way (hey, read about assertiveness, talk about your feellings, tell him that it hurts you when he says…). If he does not like your cooking, maybe just do not cook for him. If he goes out and does not care that you are worried that he is not coming back, do not call after him, just do what you just said above, go with your son on a picnic, and if he complains about it, just say to him that since he goes out why shouldn’t you do the same thing? Also, take care of yourself, buy yourslef something new, if you are interested in something, get into that - i know that this might sound like some tips from a bad women’s magazine, but you see, when problems like that arise, it is usually two sides to be blamed. he probably came from a family, where a man was supposed to be the master and the women were supposed to be obedient and all - maybe he even wanted something different,. but you somehow fell into that pattern, and you became that kind of woman, you do not sleep at night but worry about him, you continue to cook for him even if he makes rude remarks about you - aren’t you having some low self-esteem problem? it is like those two often come together, a person who tends to be abusive meets a person who easily becomes a victim.

Anyway, I will be praying for you too, if you can get someone who would act as a mediator between the two of you it would be best I think, right now he might not want to listen to what you have to say.
 
Pinkyyy said:
Hi Danuska…yeah we have lots of problems. Been that way for a long time. He wants me to be sub-servient. He doesn’t work anymore and wants to jump into a business - it freaks me out - that’s not what I want, but I better do it or just leave because it’s what HE wants. I have gained weight and he doesn’t like my cooking so therefore I am a “useless wife” in the kitchen, house, everywhere. We do have a child. I take care of our son - my husband hates that I don’t work or have a ‘high’ position that rakes in a lot of money. He is not really involved at home. He does nothing basically unless he absolutely has to but he’s a neat freak and expects everything to be perfect. Since he’s been at home it’s I don’t like this, I dont’ like that - I told you to do this that way and you don’t listen!
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Oh boy… Pinky, you are in an abusive relationship. Repeatedly being told you are a ‘useless wife’ is as damaging as being hit by fists – the only difference is that the neighbors don’t see bruises.

It is also very damaging to your son who is learning what it’s like to be a husband and father from what he sees his father do. If you love your husband and want this marriage to work I think you owe it to yourself to get some counselling ASAP. If he won’t go, do it for yourself and your son. This is a very unhealthy situation.
 
He doesn’t work AND still has money for going out? Where does he get that?? If it were me, I’d change the locks and tell him when he comes to his senses, you’ll talk with him

Kathy
 
Danuska said:
he probably came from a family, where a man was supposed to be the master and the women were supposed to be obedient and all - maybe he even wanted something different,. but you somehow fell into that pattern, and you became that kind of woman, you do not sleep at night but worry about him, you continue to cook for him even if he makes rude remarks about you - aren’t you having some low self-esteem problem?
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Thanks for writing. My son is now up and so we are going to go do something for the morning/afternoon. What you said above really struck me. You know he did come from that kind of family and he did NOT want things that way when he got married, as you said. The difference I guess is that he really made an effort when we dated - cooking dinner for me, never asking for help with things - just doing and helping, and especially ALWAYS being appreciative when I would make an effort. Now it’s just expected and he’s angry if it’s not done how he wants because we’ve been together for so long and I am still not doing it “right”.

Anyway, I will give some serious thought to what you guys said. Thanks!
 
Pinkyyy said:
Thanks for writing. My son is now up and so we are going to go do something for the morning/afternoon. What you said above really struck me. You know he did come from that kind of family and he did NOT want things that way when he got married, as you said. The difference I guess is that he really made an effort when we dated - cooking dinner for me, never asking for help with things - just doing and helping, and especially ALWAYS being appreciative when I would make an effort. Now it’s just expected and he’s angry if it’s not done how he wants because we’ve been together for so long and I am still not doing it “right”.

Anyway, I will give some serious thought to what you guys said. Thanks!
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What you have describe are the classic signs of an abuser.

Go get counseling and make a plan. This is serious.
 
Don’t just think - some of the advice you got here is very good especially about seeing the counsellor, because it is a complicated issue, and you need help for yourself, and among others, as you see, your son will be likely to repeat the pattern…You can break this chain, but you have to act.

How about your family? I am not asking you to post on this forum but do some thinking, what was the relationship like between your mom and your dad? Especially towards you… was he there for you? Or was he distant emotionally… It is hard to do that online, but there might be lots of issues that need to be sorted out, and some of them pertain to you too… you have become dependant on your husband, haven’t you? I mean emotionally especially
 
Pinkyyy said:
My husband sometimes goes out to a club around here (about an hour away) and he spends time with his friends and that kind of stuff. Well the bar closes at 1:30 and he should have been home at least by 3. It’s 5 and he’s not home. He has done this before. It makes me distrust him. He doesn’t care and says he doesn’t have to answer to me.

My cell phone is broke so I can’t call (we only have long distance through the cells) so I can’t get ahold of him and even though I ask, he NEVER calls to let me know what’s going on (he has his phone and could call the home phone - I have made sure the line is free all night incase he needs a ride or call). He may be drunk and sleeping at his friends, he could be eating breakfast or something with them (they have done that), or for all I know he could be dead in the gutter.

This is rediculous and I’m pretty ticked right now - what should I do when he comes home?
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I’m going to deviate here from the others. You’re husband sounds like he has a drinking problem and is trapped in addiction hence the going out all night, not coming home and abusive behavior. He may have been abusive to start out but he definitely has a drinking problem. Addicts will blame everyone else but themselves for their problems and if they feel that you’re challenging or questioning them on their addiction watch out. First thing you need to do it wait to catch him in a sober period then talk to about how you feel and offer counciling. Don’t be surprised if he fights you every step of the way. Addicts can even become violent if you challenge their addiction so be careful and maybe have some back up with you. Make sure you son is out of the house as well. I’d ask him if he wants a marriage and if he does he needs to work on it. If not I would be out of there for the sake of the child. Children of addicts usually become addicts themselves. I’ve seen this whole type of thing in my family and believe me it’s all very destructive. If that doesn’t work and he refuses any sort of compromise then I would do as a few others suggested and change the locks on your house. Maybe that’s what it would take to get through to him. As harsh as it seems tough love sometime works and I believe it’s kinder in the long run to face this sort of thing head on then drag it out. Remember you have your son to think of. My prayers are with you.👍
 
Pinkyyy said:
My husband sometimes goes out to a club around here (about an hour away) and he spends time with his friends and that kind of stuff. Well the bar closes at 1:30 and he should have been home at least by 3. It’s 5 and he’s not home. He has done this before. It makes me distrust him. He doesn’t care and says he doesn’t have to answer to me.

My cell phone is broke so I can’t call (we only have long distance through the cells) so I can’t get ahold of him and even though I ask, he NEVER calls to let me know what’s going on (he has his phone and could call the home phone - I have made sure the line is free all night incase he needs a ride or call). He may be drunk and sleeping at his friends, he could be eating breakfast or something with them (they have done that), or for all I know he could be dead in the gutter.

This is rediculous and I’m pretty ticked right now - what should I do when he comes home?
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. I echo those who said he seems abusive. Abusive doesn’t always show itself in violent ways. But, he is taking advantage of you, you are somewhat enabling his behavior too…but leaving the line free, and being there to pick him up wherever he might be. I don’t advocate driving drunk, but he should be home with you and his child…not out drinking and going out for pancakes. I used to go dancing with friends in college to the wee hours of the morning–not doing that while I’m married. The first step, would be to get firmer with him. To say that you are not a doormat, and that if this marriage is to work…he needs to be a better husband. Plain and simple. If you do not say this…or start getting firmer (you can choose your own words, lol) he will continue to take advantage of you–and abuse the relationship. He is not only abusing you, but if this keeps up, he will become a bad role model for your child, also.

I think that counseling is a great idea…and for you to plan to leave, if necessary. I don’t advocate divorce–this could be fixable–but it takes two to make a marriage. What you have right now is a mother-son relationship…like a mom with an out of control bratty son. That is what you have, not a marriage. He also sounds like he has a serious drinking problem, which he needs to start counseling for, as well.

I will keep you and him in my prayers…that he sees the problem in his ways, and wishes to give you and himself better. It is the only way your marriage will improve. If it stays like this, you will be a very miserable and lonely wife. ((hugs)) to you and may your husband open his heart to God’s graces for the sake of healing himself and the marriage.
 
Hoo boy does that bring back some painful memories. My former husband used to stay out late, and then when he did come back he brought me something. Several STDs. Get help - now.
 
Biblioassistant said:
Hoo boy does that bring back some painful memories. My former husband used to stay out late, and then when he did come back he brought me something. Several STDs. Get help - now.
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Hi there. I want to point out that the DUI was a long time ago, so yes he will go out and drink, but if he has more than 2 he will not drive (I mean, he’s not drinking like 5 drinks or anything like that - he doesn’t even want to touch a car if he has 2 or 3 beers). I am mad because he should have at least let me know he wasn’t coming home - he didn’t do this and then I have no idea what’s going on. But one thing I can say for sure if that there is zero chance of him cheating, so thank God at least I don’t have to worry about that :eek:
 
Pinkyyy said:
But one thing I can say for sure if that there is zero chance of him cheating, so thank God at least I don’t have to worry about that :eek:
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There is no way for you to be absolutely sure about that. I don’t think any of us wives would want to think our husbands could cheat on us… but yours is already showing you such disrespect that I hope you can admit it is at least a possibility. Not saying he is, just that you should keep your eyes open.
 
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