Husband not on board with NFP

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Indigo1

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I have been contemplating this issue for some time. My husband is a cradle catholic and I converted about 12 years ago after being raised as Anglican. He doesn’t attend mass very often, and I am the “religious” or “spiritual” presence in our family. I have always believed the churches teachings in regards to contraception although have not always followed them. At the beginning of our marriage I was on the pill and only stopped taking it when we “were ready” to try and conceive. Since then we have never used contraception. We recently had our third baby and my husband has made it clear he does not want anymore children. Although I am tired and very busy, I would lovingly welcome more children to our family if it went that way and would prefer to use NFP. My husband is not all interested and would like me to go on the pill.

I am not prepared to go on the pill at all. I discussed this with my husband and he said he would then prefer to have a vasectomy (to which I am very opposed, for many reasons). I am curious to know what you would do in this situation. Several friends of mine have simply said to take it into my own hands (practice NFP on my own effectively and just allow my husband to assume I am taking the pill). This is obviously not a solution either as it involves lies (or lies by way of omissions) but faced with the the other option of a vasectomy, it almost seems favourable to me.

I know deep down that if we were given the gift of another child, my husband would deal with it and ultimately meet it with love once he adjusted. He is not able to have faith in god’s plans as I do and just “go with the flow”. Please understand that I am not just wanting to go off and get pregnant - I am happy and willing to avoid pregnancy but I am open to the gift of life. Curious to know what you all think.
 
He would rather you take toxic chemicals than go through a procedure?

How very loving of him. (#sarcasm)

You need a Catholic psychologist or a good priest who understand NFP issues for you BOTH to see. There are some inherently selfish flaws in his thinking…and issues which should be addressed.

You can also let him know that vasectomy or no you will STILL be practicing NFP. It is not “required” but many women choose to do so as a penance for the sin.
 
Im very sorry. I see a conflict of faith more than anything. I wouldnt lie about taking a pill but dont be surprised if he just gets a vasectomy without your approval. It wont be your sin to own. I hope u can talk to a trusted Priest. Praying for your family.
 
Thanks for your thoughts. I am uncomfortable lying about being on the pill but in some ways think it is “better” than him getting a vasectomy or me actively preventing a pregnancy by using the pill. Obviously it’s not right to lie to your spouse, but the alternative means I am going directly against the teachings of the church by absolutely saying no to the possibility of pregnancy. There is no way my husband would agree to see a priest regarding this issue unfortunately so I don’t think that is an option.
 
Indigo1 said:
Thanks for your thoughts. I am uncomfortable lying about being on the pill but in some ways think it is “better” than him getting a vasectomy or me actively preventing a pregnancy by using the pill. Obviously it’s not right to lie to your spouse, but the alternative means I am going directly against the teachings of the church by absolutely saying no to the possibility of pregnancy. There is no way my husband would agree to see a priest regarding this issue unfortunately so I don’t think that is an option.
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Then search for Catholic Councillors.

There is a HUGE issue here–that he is willing to force ABC on you without being willing to sacrifice anything himself. That is a major issue and one that cannot be overlooked. The mere suggestion that you must make the sacrifice “for the team” is absolutely against the spirit of a healthy marriage.

Your husband is then basically giving you an ultimatum. Take the pills or he goes and gets a vasectomy.

What?

Just what?

Here’s what I’m hearing

“Do what I say, because it’s easier for me”

“I morally can’t”

“Then if you don’t do what I say, I’m going to do the thing I don’t really want to do”

“that’s not a moral choice”

“well it’s up to you–take the pills or else”

This is NOT a healthy situation–moral issues aside.
 
I can see what you’re saying. These things are really difficult to explain online. It sounds like my husband is a total jerk - he’s not. He’s a loving spouse and father and like me he has his flaws. I have always been more spiritual than him and I guess over the course of our marriage I have become more devout and he has stayed the same as he was when we first married. I was not as devout when we married but I have grown in my faith. It is his inability to just trust god’s plan that fuels this issue. I feel like there is no right answer or solution to this issue.
 
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Yeah wish i could be of more help. Tough call. I hope it all works out.❤️
 
Her husband could just as equally view the pill or a vasectomy as the normal thing to do when you don’t want to have more children. It’s a common non-Catholic point of view and most people aren’t aware of problems associated with taking hormones indefinitely. From that frame of reference it would make taking a pill more desirable than a surgical procedure but, as he sees she doesn’t want to he’ll do the more difficult thing for the goal of not having children. In his mind he’s offering a compromise.

Problematic to the OP; of course, but not abusive as it seems you are suggesting.
 
Indigo1 said:
I can see what you’re saying. These things are really difficult to explain online. It sounds like my husband is a total jerk - he’s not. He’s a loving spouse and father and like me he has his flaws. I have always been more spiritual than him and I guess over the course of our marriage I have become more devout and he has stayed the same as he was when we first married. I was not as devout when we married but I have grown in my faith. It is his inability to just trust god’s plan that fuels this issue. I feel like there is no right answer or solution to this issue.
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What I’m doing is trying to portray the situation in the starkest light.

And, yes, when you do that your husband looks really, really bad.

I’m sure he’s great about other things, but it’s important that you see the real travesty of what he’s doing now. How, as a matter of course, this is NOT really a moral issue but one of respect and balance. You keep turning to his “inability to trust God’s plan” but what it boils down to is his inability to trust you.

You are making a reasonable request. ABC–even when provided for hormonal issues and not as ABC-is a medicine that changes hormones, mental status, body image and sex drive. It is a very tough “master” to deal with. And an vacetomy is not walk in the park, either.

I’ll put it this way. According to stats about 25% of the woman at my na-pro office that I drive an hour to get to are “non-religious in a committed relationship”. Meaning even non-Christians can respect their wives in a way you are not being respected.

To me, what this boils down to is respect. Your husband is being wildly and inordinately cruel to you by forcing you to choose between one or the other.
 
JetteZ said:
Her husband could just as equally view the pill or a vasectomy as the normal thing to do when you don’t want to have more children. It’s a common non-Catholic point of view and most people aren’t aware of problems associated with taking hormones indefinitely. From that frame of reference it would make taking a pill more desirable than a surgical procedure but, as he sees she doesn’t want to he’ll do the more difficult thing for the goal of not having children. In his mind he’s offering a compromise.

Problematic to the OP; of course, but not abusive as it seems you are suggesting.
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Lack of knowlege is not an excuse for ignorance. It’s 2017, not 1977. He’s also not offering much “comprimise” but trying to force the situation to his will over his wife’s.
 
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Thinking back to the days when I thought as you’ve described your husband’s thoughts, I would have a vasectomy in his situation.

Which doesn’t mean you should go on the pill, just that you might want to start coming to terms with the likelihood that he might follow through on his statement that he will have the procedure done.
 
There is a secular book called “Sweetening The Pill”, they also have a website.

It is not just a “Kooky Catholic” thing to want to keep toxins out of your body.

Work on the science side of it, this does not have to be a spiritual debate.

Move on to study the various methods of Fertility Awareness. I am always going to suggest Creighton because I am biased 🙂
There are new methods that bring new technologies in, like Marquette or using the Daysy. I read somewhere that one is in development that you wear internally, it tracks temp and other signs and sends them to your smart phone.
 
TheLittleLady said:
There is a secular book called “Sweetening The Pill”, they also have a website.

It is not just a “Kooky Catholic” thing to want to keep toxins out of your body.

Work on the science side of it, this does not have to be a spiritual debate.
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It´s a common lie to both sexes that the pill is “nothing to worry about” and I agree with you in the benefit of showing him this site in this discussion. Maybe it´s not spiritual or medicinic. I would also feel spiritual unwell if I would feel someone that close doesn´t care for my (or his) body. I think the main problem is that it smells like blackmailing emotionally…
 
I am personally questioning the suggestion to follow NFP contrary to his knowledge. When you seemingly capriciously deny him sex, it could cause confusion in his mind as to whether you are angry at him, or whatever. Such small rifts in understanding could eventually contribute to a chasm.
 
I am a husband and initially when I learned about nfp I was afraid of more babies. My wife had gotten off the pill because we looked into it and it was an abortificient. We were using condoms, but then i had a sudden change of heart after I read a message from The Blessed Mother. That was when we had one child, now we have 3 and I could t be happier. That being said I’m good with 3 and we have the confidence to stay with 3. We learned it about 6 months post partum from the first. We successfully spaced our first 2 3 and a half years! I also forgot to say we both have suffered traumatic brain injuries and if we can do it with our memory problems anyone can.
 
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Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
Lack of knowlege is not an excuse for ignorance. It’s 2017, not 1977. He’s also not offering much “comprimise” but trying to force the situation to his will over his wife’s.
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Lack of knowledge is the definition of ignorance; but, I’ll assume you meant that there is no reason for his lack of knowledge.

60-some percent of US women of reproductive age are on some form of contraception and around a quarter of those use some form of the pill. Surely, it is a small minority that are doing so under coercion and rather usage is driven mostly from lack of knowledge or acceptance of risk (which, in my experience, doctors tend to tell women that those risks are very small if you aren’t a smoker or have other health risks).

Given the world we live in it is understandable for a husband, living a secular life, to deduce the pill is safe just from anecdotal evidence. Even if he does an internet search he’ll find lots of scientific evidence to support that point of view.

It is more likely to garner good results to assume good intent on his behalf; neither wants more children and he is attempting to solve that problem. He’s not demanding that if she doesn’t want the pill then she needs to have her tubes tied. He isn’t pushing all the responsibility on her.

I think your suggestion that they go to NFP counseling was a very good idea. He does need to learn there are more options and that there is real science behind them. #NotYourGrandmasNFP 🤣
 
Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I really appreciate it. I can see what all of you are saying - there is the surface/how it appears and then there is the stuff underneath that. My husband and I spoke last night about this issue in depth. He is not trying to force me to go on he pill. He understands my issues with it which are medical as well as spiritual. I am not willing to put toxins into my body and when I explained it like that he completely understood. He has said if I am not comfortable with a vasectomy then he will use condoms. Now I’m not really happy with that either, but I guess that’s his choice, his thing to live with. He doesn’t see it as a sin, just a modern day choice & a sensible thing to do when you don’t want anymore children.

I must say that my husband is not a “natural father”. He has welcomed all of our children with love but he is not (by his own admission) cut out for more kids. In some ways this really annoys me because to be honest, I do everything anyway. But he finds being a sole provider for us extremely stressful and I guess I can’t really blame him for that.

He told me emphatically last night that a fourth child would break him and that he already feels under immense pressure. Rest assured he does love us very very much. I too have moments of feeling immense pressure and just plain fed up, but I have more resilience than he does!

For now he is not going to get a vasectomy. We have agreed that if he wants to use condoms he can (although I’m not in favour of it), but ultimately it doesn’t close the door to life indefinitely the way a vasectomy would.
 
Thankyou! That is really helpful. My husband is happy with 3 as well and would like to leave it at that. I would be happy with more but I understand that he’s at his limit.
 
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