Husband not on board with teachings on sexuality

[CatholicTina]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here! I’m having a bit of a dilemma and I hope I’m in the right forum to discuss it!

I am a practicing Catholic, but my husband is not. He says the older he gets the less he believes that God even exists. He has no problem with me going to Mass (at times he’ll go with me, but begrudgingly) or raising our children Catholic, but with sexuality he does.

He always thinks I’m putting limits on our sex life and gets upset with me when I try to live out Catholic teachings for sex. For example, without being to graphic, he asked me to do something that made him climax outside of me. When I told him I couldn’t do that he got upset and finally just walked away. He insists that he is asking me to do something for him and I am refusing. I tell him that it’s outside my comfort zone, but he just says that the Church is dictating our sex life.

Also, I was able to convince him to do NFP, but during the infertile periods he’ll still insist on having sex and then just “pulling out” at the end. When I say no he gets upset. And really it is quite humiliating to have someone walk away from you right after you’ve had sex.

I’ve shared my feelings with him, but he says that we would be so much happier if I could just forget all these “rules” and just enjoy sex. I know all the reasons why I should stick to my guns and I truly think the Catholic teachings on sex are made to bring a married couple CLOSER not draw them apart. Problem is I feel like these teachings only bring you closer if BOTH parties believe in them.

Can someone please tell me how to integrate my sexuality into my marriage? Or has someone had a similar experience? What did you do? I’m especially concerned because I’m giving birth in about a month and we will have to have about 6 weeks of abstinence after that. I know he’s going to insist that I do many immoral things to at least he can climax (outside of me) and it’s going to cause huge problems (adding onto the stress that we’ll already have from a new baby).

HELP!

 

[bzkoss236]

Well, sex, IMO, in marriage is self giving, so it isn’t selfish, just like love isn’t selfish. It is about each partner giving fully of themselves to the other, and not seeking selfish wants. So he shouldn’t be seeking what makes him feel good, he should be doing what it takes to make you feel good. You should be doing the same to him, as long as it doesn’t take away the procreative aspect, so what he was requesting is a no-no and you did right by telling him no.

 

[ADiosgracias]

I have the same problem as you have. I’m still working on it and not always with good results. I ask God to help us to solve it and when it is impossible or very awkward to refuse his will I go to confession asap. For years I deal with this issue. Buena suerte!

 

[Imryl]

I’ve shared my feelings with him, but he says that we would be so much happier if I could just forget all these “rules” and just enjoy sex. I know all the reasons why I should stick to my guns and I truly think the Catholic teachings on sex are made to bring a married couple CLOSER not draw them apart. Problem is I feel like these teachings only bring you closer if BOTH parties believe in them.

Tell him that living this way is what makes you enjoy sex - that it has very little to do with the “rules”, as he sees them. If he’s going to be insensitive to what you enjoy, then I, personally, would have no problem being insensitive and unresponsive to him when it came to him asking me to do things I do not want to do.

You should also make it plain that these things are not just outside of your “comfort zone”, but that you do not like to do them at all. Say so in no uncertain terms. You’re not making him do something he does not want to do. Instead he’s trying to make you do something you do not want to do and then attempting to place the blame on your shoulders.

Make a stark contrast for him if that helps. Ask if he’d be open to do something for you for the sole purpose of gratifying you sexually… irrespective of his own wishes. If he says yes, then ask him if he’d be willing to have sexual relations with another man. Most men have a pretty natural visceral reaction to that. Tell him that’s pretty much how you feel about the things he’s pressing you for.

 

[1ke]

Pray for him.

What he is saying is that he would be happier if you would just consent to sin with him.

You are called to do all you can to bring him to heaven. Pray to St Monica and St Rita of Cascia.

You do not necessarily have to refuse the marriage act if he insists on sinning via contraception. It is you that cannot contracept. I suggest talking with your priest about it. There is a document, called Vademecum for Confessors, that discusses this in the context of a priest counseling the one sinned against.

As for you doing immoral acts, yes you will have to continue to refuse to do those. It may cause strife, but when it does, pray and unite it to Christ’s suffering for the salvation of your husband’s soul.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

 

[Hokomai]

Make a stark contrast for him if that helps. Ask if he’d be open to do something for you for the sole purpose of gratifying you sexually… irrespective of his own wishes. If he says yes, then ask him if he’d be willing to have sexual relations with another man. Most men have a pretty natural visceral reaction to that. Tell him that’s pretty much how you feel about the things he’s pressing you for.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Imryl;9735174:

This is not the sort of advice that is likely to create a better relationship.

As a non-believer I find these posts about the difficulty Catholic teaching creates for couple upsetting. On the other hand, you have a right to your beliefs, and to the control of your own body.

You are telling your husband that he may never have things which are important to him. He needs help to work out how important they are to him. You need to work out how important your beliefs in this matter are to you. You need to understand each other. And you need help to discuss this, and come to a mutually beneficially agreement. Get counseling! And don’t take advice from anyone on the internet, including me! Good luck with it all - especially the new baby.

This is absolute nonsense. Ejaculating on the body of your spouse SHOULDN’T be important to you. It’s degrading to the woman because it rejects her natural capacities as a woman, and because of the mental stigma associated with it. If he really loved her he would be willing to forgo that in exchange for a mutually enjoyable sexual act. Ejaculating on your spouse doesn’t bring you closer together, it separates you because it says that you’re using her for your pleasure, not for your mutual bonding.

I love my wife, and although I’ve entertained thoughts of doing so on a few occasions I never have. She even gave me the opportunity to once and i couldn’t bring myself to do it because of how degrading it would have been for her, and I haven’t even considered it since. I asked her about it later and she told me she couldn’t express how grateful she was that I hadn’t. That is love, doing what is best for BOTH of you, not just what will make you happy.

And a note to the OP. You are against him pulling out during the sexual act because you know it is sinful, therefore the sin does not fall on you. You’ve expressed your desire to live by God’s Laws, and it’s his choice to live by them with you, or to reject them. Have you talked to him about why it’s not just religion that makes you uncomfortable with that?

 

[Imryl]

You are telling your husband that he may never have things which are important to him. He needs help to work out how important they are to him. You need to work out how important your beliefs in this matter are to you. You need to understand each other. And you need help to discuss this, and come to a mutually beneficially agreement. Get counseling! And don’t take advice from anyone on the internet, including me! Good luck with it all - especially the new baby.

Incorrect. You are telling him that there are things that you do not enjoy doing and he should not expect you to do them or attempt to emotionally blackmail you into them. It would be one thing if it were just an arbitrary like/dislike, like a like/dislike of vanilla pudding. It is entirely different when it comes to the right use of bodily functions. There are very good and sound medical reasons for not doing the sexual things that tickle the fancy of some people. These things only underscore and punctuate the good logical reasons not to do them.

You - my friend - are trying to attach religiousity (practice, dedication, belief) to illogical and irrational assertions. You don’t “decide” that gravity is important. You live with the fact that gravity exists and you live in a world governed by it, i.e. you don’t go jumping off a building with the wrong idea that you’ll be able to fly.

Same goes with human sexuality.

 

[mountee]

Pray for him.

What he is saying is that he would be happier if you would just consent to sin with him.

You are called to do all you can to bring him to heaven. Pray to St Monica and St Rita of Cascia.

You do not necessarily have to refuse the marriage act if he insists on sinning via contraception. It is you that cannot contracept. I suggest talking with your priest about it. There is a document, called Vademecum for Confessors, that discusses this in the context of a priest counseling the one sinned against.

As for you doing immoral acts, yes you will have to continue to refuse to do those. It may cause strife, but when it does, pray and unite it to Christ’s suffering for the salvation
I am so sorry this is happening to you.

This is a sensibe, compassionate response and I hope you found comfort in it. I have been praying to St. Monica myself and I will ask her to intercede on your behalf also. God bless your home with understanding and love.

 

[austengirl]

Oh my goodness! I was about to write on this myself as I’m in a similar situation. My husband is a cradle Catholic & I’m a recent convert. Things that we did before I converted are now being thrown in my face and my husband can’t accept while I no longer will participate. He claims I’m a “Jesus freak,” and I’ve gone to the extreme. What am I to do? For the past three nights, he has been sleeping elsewhere, telling me he’ll rejoin me in the bedroom when I decide I want to be his wife, i.e. engage w/him in sexual sin. This latest problem is just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been living w/an ill-tempered, difficult man who refuses to go to counseling or Retrouvaille and believes I’m a supreme disappointment. I’ve thought about divorce, but after seeing what it has done to children in my line of work, I don’t think that is an option. I made a promise to God in the sacrament of marriage to stick w/it.

 

[BettyBoop416]

What he is saying is that he would be happier if you would just consent to sin with him.

Well, that’s not exactly what he’s saying. From his perspective it’s not sinning. He just wants to have what he considers to be a normal sex life.

For the OP: How long have you been married? Has your husband expressed these feelings since the beginning of your marriage, or is this a recent development? What about you? Have you been following “the rules” from the beginning of your marriage? Or have you suddenly become more “strict?”

Just an aside - It’s awfully hard explaining Catholic teachings regarding sexuality within marriage to non-Catholics. The teaching regarding abortion, of course is pretty easy to defend. Even hard core pro-choicers have conflicting feelings about that. The teaching against contraception is not quite as easy to defend, but most people can follow the logic, even if they don’t agree with it. The thing about “the husband has to finish inside the wife,” however, often inspires some very strange looks. When asked for an explanation, I find it hard to respond with much conviction, because it makes no sense to me either.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, that’s not exactly what he’s saying. From his perspective it’s not sinning. He just wants to have what he considers to be a normal sex life.

For the OP: How long have you been married? Has your husband expressed these feelings since the beginning of your marriage, or is this a recent development? What about you? Have you been following “the rules” from the beginning of your marriage? Or have you suddenly become more “strict?”

Just an aside - It’s awfully hard explaining Catholic teachings regarding sexuality within marriage to non-Catholics. The teaching regarding abortion, of course is pretty easy to defend. Even hard core pro-choicers have conflicting feelings about that. The teaching against contraception is not quite as easy to defend, but most people can follow the logic, even if they don’t agree with it. The thing about “the husband has to finish inside the wife,” however, often inspires some very strange looks. When asked for an explanation, I find it hard to respond with much conviction, because it makes no sense to me either.

It’s actually quite simple to understand. Catholics believe that each and every sexual encounter between spouses must be both procreative (the possibility of life, if God agrees) and unitive. So having the husband climax outside of his wife destroys BOTH of those functions, since it cannot be procreative and it does not promote UNITY either. We Catholics believe that God meant for us to unite in the way he designed us to, and no exceptions. No barriers such as contraception, or not having intercourse.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Catholics believe that each and every sexual encounter between spouses must be both procreative (the possibility of life, if God agrees) and unitive. So having the husband climax outside of his wife destroys BOTH of those functions, since it cannot be procreative and it does not promote UNITY either.

Well, having the husband climax outside of his wife would promote way more UNITY than the situation the OP currently finds herself in.

We Catholics believe that God meant for us to unite in the way he designed us to, and no exceptions. No barriers such as contraception, or not having intercourse.

Granted, that’s what the Church teaches. A significant number of us Catholics, however, find this particular teaching to be just a bit silly.

 

[OurNFPBlog]

What a struggle. This is John from OurNFPBlog.com. When Heather and I converted together in 2000-2001, we at least had the mutual conviction that NFP was the right thing to do. That helped us (ok, me mostly) through some very tough patches. I recall drop-kicking “The Art of Natural Family Planning” across the room once (No, Heather wasn’t there, folks). But then I picked it back up (and the two of us have improved on their methods since). Sounds like your yokemate is pulling in a different direction, and hurting you in the process.
I wonder what your husband’s religious views are, and how he thinks about sexuality in terms of faith. Is it possible that he hasn’t put these two pieces of his life together yet? I also wonder if his views of sexuality have been tainted by pornography. Some of his degrading behaviors would seem to indicate that it has.
At any rate, we’ll be praying for you both.

 

[Scytha]

I see myself in this post (I am female). When I agreed with NFP, I had no idea how difficult the abstaining period would be for me. It’s like knowing that starving is unpleasant, but not truly understanding to what degree until you are indeed starving. I feel like NFP is ruining my marriage. I resent my husband when we can’t be intimate because of fertile periods. I don’t want to be around him or even be pleasant; is he a constant reminder of what I can’t have. Then this makes me want to punish him by sleeping on the couch during these times and entertaining the thought of not being open to relations during infertile times. I am genuinely angry here. I have just thought about getting on the pill and not telling him, that way, it doesn’t affect him religiously and just let him think that it’s working so that he feels better. I don’t know what to do here. I have no idea how to not be angry and bitter when we have to abstain. I have no idea how I am suppose to “connect” with my husband when sex is off of the table. We have two young children and finding “personal” time is near impossible even when it is “legal.” We have been married a little more than a year and I am afraid that we aren’t gonna make it.

 

[Susansmum]

He is upset with you refusing to perform acts that are uncomfortable for you?
Maybe he needs a reality check, but how can any man, religious or not expect their wife to do things that they don’t like/are uncomfortable with in the bedroom?

I have always been of the understanding that if he chooses to contracept, ie condoms or pulls out then the sin is on him, not you.

I would be furious if my husband started pouting because I wouldn’t do things that made me uncomfortable.

And post post partum? He should be more focused on the two or you working together to enjoy the time with your new baby and making sure that you are cared for and able to recover after the birth than about his sexual gratification.

I realise sex is a major part of a relationship, especially to men, but come on, shouldn’t it be based on love? And sometimes there will be more important things that need attention and priority over his climax, especially with a new baby.

Make it sound like all he wants is the climax, not the act of love between spouses.
I’m sure that probably isn’t the case.

Can you talk to him? Is he approachable?

 

[Cojuanco]

I see myself in this post (I am female). When I agreed with NFP, I had no idea how difficult the abstaining period would be for me. It’s like knowing that starving is unpleasant, but not truly understanding to what degree until you are indeed starving. I feel like NFP is ruining my marriage. I resent my husband when we can’t be intimate because of fertile periods. I don’t want to be around him or even be pleasant; is he a constant reminder of what I can’t have. Then this makes me want to punish him by sleeping on the couch during these times and entertaining the thought of not being open to relations during infertile times. I am genuinely angry here. I have just thought about getting on the pill and not telling him, that way, it doesn’t affect him religiously and just let him think that it’s working so that he feels better. I don’t know what to do here. I have no idea how to not be angry and bitter when we have to abstain. I have no idea how I am suppose to “connect” with my husband when sex is off of the table. We have two young children and finding “personal” time is near impossible even when it is “legal.” We have been married a little more than a year and I am afraid that we aren’t gonna make it.

Talk to a priest, the both of you.

 

[Honour]

I really don’t have any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My husband is also very demanding about getting what he wants wether I want it or not, wether I have moral objections or not, wether the doctor said wait 6 weeks or not. His newest kick is that he wants me to get the coil inserts that close your fallopian tubes. He says he will divorce me if I don’t. I am so confused because last time we talked about kids he was telling me how he wanted more and more kids, as many as God would give me. Its hard but I try to pray about it and it seems when I am closer to God, our relationship is better. From what I understand you aren’t responsible for his sin if you express that you aren’t willing to participate in it, and he still makes you. And there are many ways that he can “make” you do something you don’t want to, not just physically, I think emotional torment and manipulation are also ways that he “make” you.

Prayers.

 

[Xantippe]

“My husband is also very demanding about getting what he wants wether I want it or not, wether I have moral objections or not, wether the doctor said wait 6 weeks or not. His newest kick is that he wants me to get the coil inserts that close your fallopian tubes. He says he will divorce me if I don’t. I am so confused because last time we talked about kids he was telling me how he wanted more and more kids, as many as God would give me.”

Honour, your husband sounds borderline abusive, particularly if he was trying to get you to ignore your doctor’s advice.

The unifying thread (the more and more kids vs. coil inserts) seems to be that he refuses to accept limits on his appetites.

Can you get into counseling by yourself? Your husband sounds extremely manipulative.

 

[moon1234]

To the OP. NFP must be with the consent of both spouses in order to abstain and it must be for a serious reason (not just we don’t want any more kids). If one of the spouses decides they no longer want to practice NFP, then that is their right. When you married you took a vow and part of that vow is to be with your spouse sexually when they request it of you.

No there are limits to the request, meaning when you can say no, such as sickness, mental stability, etc. You can not, however, just say no we are doing NFP. That denies his rights to have sex with you and can rise to the level of a sin if it means he is going to use your refusal as an excuse to masturbate or find sex outside your marriage.

He can not ask you to perform sex acts that violate your faith, but if he is asking for oral sex, that is allowed as foreplay, but he can not climax. Maybe this is the compromise you reach with him if he is demanding oral sex? It is something you and he need to discuss.

NFP only works when both spouses agree. If one spouse is demanding it of another, then it is no longer consensual.

As to the six weeks post partum, that is only a guideline. If you have an uncomplicated pregnancy then you can resume sexual relations when you are comfortable. The six week post partum thing is just the amount of time that you normally wait until you have a follow-up with your OB/GYN. MOST couples have resumed sexual relations before then.

This in-between period is when he will just have to leave you alone until you are no longer hurting from labor/delivery. I would just tell him that you can’t do anything for him during that time. MAKE HIM WATCH your delivery. I watched EVERY child of mine come out. I KNOW how that must hurt. I gave my wife the time she needed. Did I have serious temptations or doing things to myself I should not have? Yes, maybe a few times, but it was MY problem. One thing that WILL help him through this time is if you give him a date/time to look forward to for resuming sexual relations. One that you will STICK TO. This is VERY important. In his mind he will be counting the days/hours and minutes to that time.

Most women do not realize that sex runs through men’s brains all day every day. Some things distract us better than others. Keeping very busy with work and hobbies can help. Maybe suggest that he take some maternity leave when the baby is born, provided you can cope, and he go fishing/hunting, fix up the house, paint the babies room, etc. SOMETHING to keep himself busy. You can take showers with him, cuddle, etc. so he does not feel like he has been 100% cut off sexually from his wife. Just make sure he realizes that your nether regions have been through a meat grinder and need to be healed up. If he watches the birth, he will understand just fine and that image can do wonders to limiting his sex drive until you are healed.