Husband not very open to life

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MariaHope

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Hi everyone. I’m hoping you can give me some good Catholic advice. I am really saddened and baffled by my husband’s attitude toward having children. To give you a little background he’s always been risk averse about it and after we got married I agreed to use NFP for 1.5 years to avoid pregnancy. Then when we finally started trying it took three years with lots of medical help, a surgery, a literal miracle healing in order to conceive our daughter. My endometriosis was so bad that my doctor advised trying to get pregnant again when my daughter was 9 months old since it may be difficult or impossible for me to get pregnant again. Our daughter in now 18 months old and we’re still not trying (he won’t have sex with me when I’m fertile). My husband is always worried about something - money, burn out, sleep deprivation, international trips to visit his family, jobs, etc and he always wants to postpone more. I feel he is being incredibly selfish and not trusting God and not being grateful for the miracle we were given. Is there something I can do to help change his attitude?
By the way we both work full time and my mom watches our daughter for free. We have tons of financial stability and help compared to most people. His attitude really worries me as he doesn’t seem to realize how blessed we are - how are we going to cope if anything really bad does every happen 😦
 
Is it possible your husband suffers from depression or anxiety? That could make it very difficult for him to assess your situation.
 
I think communication is a major part in this.

Does your husband actually want another baby? Does he feel as though he can cope with two young children? Have you asked him why he feels these issues mean you should postpone having children - and not in an angry way?

I understand why you want to have another child as soon as possible. But having a baby isn’t going to solve the problems you are currently facing, and I think this is the “something bad” you talked about. You need to improve your communication with each other. For example, if he continues to ignore you, your marriage is going to suffer even more. If you get pregnant now, then he may feel resentful towards you for ignoring him and your marriage will suffer even more.

If money is truly not a problem for you, maybe you could get some marital counselling to help you and your husband communicate calmly, and listening to each other in a neutral setting?

Lou
 
Hi, I can relate to your problem. My husband and I have two children. I had post natal depression quite badly after both births. Some years have passed and we have hummed and hawed about having more children. I was always terrified of becoming ill again. Ever the sound of a newborn baby crying would make me feel panicky and sick.
Now I feel ready and would be happy to be pregnant. Husband on the other hand has adjusted in his mind to having just two children. He revealed to me how alone and sad he felt when i was ill. He has never revealed this before and I was completely shocked. Maybe your husband found the process of becoming pregnant with your daughter traumatic?
Now husband will only have sex when he is totally certain I am not fertile. I feel happy to leave it to God. Happy if I’m pregnant, happy if I’m not. He on the other hand does not have this view. It causes tension between us. I can’t ask him because he will say no. So now I don’t tend to ask and just offer it up as a sacrifice and try to be a kind thoughtful wife. Don’t always succeed with this.
I’m not sure if this helped.
 
pensmama87 said:
Is it possible your husband suffers from depression or anxiety? That could make it very difficult for him to assess your situation.
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Right.

Also, bear in mind that your situation need only change a little to be much less comfortable–for instance if you found yourself on bedrest and unable to work.
 
Lou2U said:
I think communication is a major part in this.

Does your husband actually want another baby? Does he feel as though he can cope with two young children? Have you asked him why he feels these issues mean you should postpone having children - and not in an angry way?

I understand why you want to have another child as soon as possible. But having a baby isn’t going to solve the problems you are currently facing, and I think this is the “something bad” you talked about. You need to improve your communication with each other. For example, if he continues to ignore you, your marriage is going to suffer even more. If you get pregnant now, then he may feel resentful towards you for ignoring him and your marriage will suffer even more.

If money is truly not a problem for you, maybe you could get some marital counselling to help you and your husband communicate calmly, and listening to each other in a neutral setting?

Lou
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Come to think of it, an anxious and possibly perfectionistic person like your husband may be having a hard time dealing with the 18-month-old that you have.

In our family, we have one anxious/perfectionistic/possibly OCD grandpa. As ridiculous as it sounds, he can just barely cope with having my husband and two well-behaved school-age kids visit for 7-10 days at a time.
 
I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!
 
Filius said:
I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!
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The worst thing the OP could do right now is force her husband into having another child. The worst thing the OP’s husband could do right now is to not give his wife proper answers as to why he doesn’t want another child.

There needs to be a balance. I would agree with pensmama87 that maybe the OP’s husband has depression, or something which is making him see having another child in a negative light. Right now, the OP and her husband need to open up to each other and not get angry with each other when discussing having children before moving forward to conceiving.

Lou
 
Filius said:
I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!
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I realize you’ve got a hammer, but not every problem is a nail. There are tons of reasons the OP’s husband could feel the way he does, and not all of them imply selfishness in the least. Counseling has been recommended and although I didn’t explicitly say so in my first reply I agree. This is a couple that needs to learn how to talk to each other.

NFP is a great tool for those trying to conceive, as well.
 
Filius said:
I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!
Click to expand...
  1. If the OP’s husband is an anxious, fretful, perfectionistic person he may be at the end of his rope right now dealing with just the one child. 18-month-olds are often a real handful and very hard to keep out of trouble–I’m not surprised that the OP’s husband is worried that he won’t cope with a second child. (The family I know where the husband is like that are very devout but had only two children, spaced ten years apart.)
  2. It’s unfortunate that the OP’s medical condition puts her on such a tight schedule, because her husband may find that when their child is four or five that life suddenly feels much more manageable.
  3. The OP is here and her husband isn’t. If he were here, he’d probably be hearing something different.
  4. As I mentioned, I believe I know somebody very much like the OP’s husband, and from my observations, he’s very conscientious and good with children, but only with ONE child at a time (even very big, responsible school age kids). So I suspect that the OP’s husband may genuinely have a very hard time being a good father to a larger family, even a larger family of two children.
  5. I would not want to make the OP responsible for any theoretical lapses of chastity on her husband’s part. She’s available–he’s just not taking her up on it. So–this is totally on him.
  6. While it sounds like some husbands (and wives) have lapses in chastity while abstaining, that is not invariably the case. Others have enough self-control to get safely through months of abstinence at a time.
  7. Seeing a priest as a couple is a good idea. However, it’s very likely that they’ll just be told to work on building the husband’s confidence and psychological well-being–perhaps with medical and psychological specialist help.
 
Filius said:
I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!
Click to expand...
legitimate psychological problems is a just reason to use nfp

the church does not teach that nfp is wrong. “some people believe” is not church teaching

the church also does not teach we need to have tons of kids to be good cahtolics

I hear that a lot, “guys can’t abstain” yes, yes, they can. any justification of feeling the need to look elsewhere is just their own problem.

men are not brute animals.

and besides, this is on him. it’s not like she’s the one refusing him unreasonably. not that it would be justification for unfaithfulness anyways

there are much larger problems in the marriage here.

I agree that talking to a priest would be best
 
in your case since you are trying to have a baby i would sit him down and explain that you really want another baby and this might be your last chance, and to please put this in gods hands.

But if hes unable to cope with just one child you might want to respect that, and talk to your doctor to see if there is a chance of conceiving in a few years when your daughter is bigger and not well a baby still that demands so much attention.

I had an aunt who was like you and she waited 3 yrs to have my cousin after she had her first and then had a hysterectomy afterwards thus completing theyre family and alleveating her endometriosis, but they arent catholics theyre secular jews so hysterectomy is an acceptable medical treatment for endometriosis. Im not sure of your degree of endo or if hysterectomy is a risk for you or not just sharing my aunts story.

You and your husband should seek counseling with a priest and a doctor to sort this out, and be open with eachother hear his worries and tell him yours.
 
Filius said:
I must admit, I am very surprised at the responses the OP received.

The primary purpose of marriage is children - the Church has taught this for millenia. To entertain anything else is heretical - no matter the reasoning or rationalization.

The main problem I see in all of this is as a guy, I know what happens when we try to abstain - we end up looking other places - often that other place is pornography.

Whether you believe NFP is right or not (yes, some people believe it is wrong), it can EASILY become a gateway for pornography abuse and addiction.

Get to a priest as a couple as soon as possible!!!
Click to expand...
It’s even sadder that women are expected to be nothing but baby factories in order to keep her husband pleased.

I told my husband no more children. I 100% mean it.

I can’t cope with another baby. I can’t cope with the difficult pregnancy, the nursing and the psychological issues I have after I have the baby.

This is ridiculous. He can figure out his own sins without piling it all on the wife.

If my husband told me he needed to have sex or he’d go look at porn instead…I’d rip him a new one.

It’s too bad people think NFP is wrong. That goes against Church teaching.

I can’t believe people think so little of women. So little of there well being, sanity, health and purity.
We’re just a masturbation tool for our husbands. If we don’t put out they’ll go right to porn. It doesn’t matter if we suffer so much while having kids. We aren’t allowed to stop having children…that’s the primary purpose of marriage, don’t ya know.
 
Kelfa28 said:
It’s even sadder that women are expected to be nothing but baby factories in order to keep her husband pleased.

I told my husband no more children. I 100% mean it.

I can’t cope with another baby. I can’t cope with the difficult pregnancy, the nursing and the psychological issues I have after I have the baby.

This is ridiculous. He can figure out his own sins without piling it all on the wife.

If my husband told me he needed to have sex or he’d go look at porn instead…I’d rip him a new one.

It’s too bad people think NFP is wrong. That goes against Church teaching.

I can’t believe people think so little of women. So little of there well being, sanity, health and purity.
We’re just a masturbation tool for our husbands. If we don’t put out they’ll go right to porn. It doesn’t matter if we suffer so much while having kids. We aren’t allowed to stop having children…that’s the primary purpose of marriage, don’t ya know.
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Also, come to think of it, it’s not just the production of children that is the end of marriage, but the procreation and EDUCATION of children.

Otherwise, we could be like sea turtles: mate, lay our eggs on the beach and go away, crossing our flippers and hoping for the best.

conserveturtles.org/seaturtleinformation.php?page=behavior
 
Kelfa28 said:
We’re just a masturbation tool for our husbands. If we don’t put out they’ll go right to porn. It doesn’t matter if we suffer so much while having kids. We aren’t allowed to stop having children…that’s the primary purpose of marriage, don’t ya know.
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Kelfa, you sound really ticked off, but as a married Catholic husband, I’m resenting your words here. Perhaps you’re describing a few men, but this simply isn’t true for most of us. We don’t go to porn if our wives aren’t available for sex. And no wives aren’t masturbation tools…where did you get that one? Yes, it does matter to us if our wives are suffering as a result of bearing our children. …it pains me greatly if my wife suffers during pregnancy and childbirth. You care to retract anything you said in your previous post?
 
mwncheesehead said:
Kelfa, you sound really ticked off, but as a married Catholic husband, I’m resenting your words here. Perhaps you’re describing a few men, but this simply isn’t true for most of us. We don’t go to porn if our wives aren’t available for sex. And no wives aren’t masturbation tools…where did you get that one? Yes, it does matter to us if our wives are suffering as a result of bearing our children. …it pains me greatly if my wife suffers during pregnancy and childbirth. You care to retract anything you said in your previous post?
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See Filius’s 2 PM post–that’s what Kelfa is talking about.
 
Xantippe said:
See Filius’s 2 PM post–that’s what Kelfa is talking about.
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I saw his post. It’s still Kelfa going off on men in general. Filius what’s his name isn’t the norm in my opinion. Good grief.
 
mwncheesehead said:
I saw his post. It’s still Kelfa going off on men in general. Filius what’s his name isn’t the norm in my opinion. Good grief.
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I quoted him.

My response was directed at him.

Not men in general.

So, no. I’m not retracting anything I’ve said.
 
Kelfa28 said:
I quoted him.

My response was directed at him.

Not men in general.

So, no. I’m not retracting anything I’ve said.
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I won’t argue with you as to your intentions, but your bitterness is hardly veiled.
 
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