Husband not very open to life

[Xantippe]

It may be a cultural thing. He may not view the meds as something a head of household would/should need.
Stress that you pay Doctors a lot of money for their expertise, and if the Physician says he needs the medications, then he ought to consider that the guy just might know something. No wonder he’s anxious! He is dismissing professional opinion, not just yours.
Ask him if he would think it was reasonable for YOU to dismiss a Dr.'s advice for yourself or your child. NO, he wouldn’t. Tell him that whether or not you ever have another child by the grace of God, the child he DOES have and wife he DOES have should have a healthy and high-functioning daddy and spouse.
It’s his proper place in the family dynamic to set an example of being able to admit that he’s got anxiety issues and to deal with them in conventional ways. Not hide from them.

Yes!

I think that really is the loose thread in the situation to pull on.

You might also just ask him to do a trial of the medication (under a doctor’s supervision and with a doctor’s advice) and see how much better he can get within a limited period of time.

Even in the US, there’s a lot of resistance to pharmaceuticals, but so many people find it life-changing.

You really can’t expect logic from a person that is experiencing so much anxiety. A person that is afraid can really only think about their fear.

Good luck!

 

[MariaHope]

Yes!

I think that really is the loose thread in the situation to pull on.

You might also just ask him to do a trial of the medication (under a doctor’s supervision and with a doctor’s advice) and see how much better he can get within a limited period of time.

Even in the US, there’s a lot of resistance to pharmaceuticals, but so many people find it life-changing.

You really can’t expect logic from a person that is experiencing so much anxiety. A person that is afraid can really only think about their fear.

Good luck!

Unfortunately we have already been down this road many times. (Yes, much of it is cultural) He will try a medication for a few days and say he doesn’t like it. Then a few weeks later I’m able to convince him to go back to the doctor to try something else. He’ll try it for a few days or weeks then it tapers off. Part of it is inherent in the ADHD - he is not able to be consistent about things unless he’s medicated. But if he isn’t consistent with the meds then it’s an endless cycle. Honestly, years of talking, praying, doctors and all of that have helped tremendously, but at the end of the day it’s never going to be 100% resolved. I guess that’s why I’m still wanting to keep growing our family in the meantime while we work through these issues.

 

[SilverLight]

OK, thank you. I think you are right I need to be more empathetic with my husband and giving him the benefit of the doubt. It’s a very raw subject for many reasons. It’s not that he doesn’t have some valid concerns, and I do acknowledge those, they just don’t seem big enough to risk not ever having children again. I want my daughter to have at least one sibling. I also hope we are not abusing NFP - I thought you were not supposed to use it with a contraceptive mentality. Maybe we aren’t but it sure feels like it to me and it weighs on my conscience.

He does have some issues with ADHD and anxiety and we have been to doctors but he doesn’t want to take the medication that has been prescribed for him. I don’t know what to do about that other than pray. We’ve also been to multiple counselors about various issues and it has helped some; he’s not interested in doing that anymore though as he feels we’ve gotten all out of it that we can, and I tend to agree with him.

I will try to talk to him about talking to a priest. I think he will be too embarrassed but maybe I can gently convince him.

I have ADD and Anxiety so I can in my own way understand what he may feel like though I do not have kids. Anxiety can cause you to worry about the smallest things and thus can put the breaks on many things. I think he may need understanding from the people around him as I know that helps me a great bit. Tell him things will be alright and see if you can sit him down and ask him how he feels. Communication is key right now.

If he does not want to go to a priest though do not push him to. Suggest it and ask him to think about it. Do not back him into a corner about it.

I know he may not want to hear it but his medication is there to help him. Over time he may be able to manage his anxiety himself. I can only say that from experience but it is not the same for everyone.

Have you also considered adoption as an option if you want another child?
My parents tried for so long to have a child and decided to adopt me because they knew they wanted one.

 

[Sugabee43]

Unfortunately we have already been down this road many times. (Yes, much of it is cultural) He will try a medication for a few days and say he doesn’t like it. Then a few weeks later I’m able to convince him to go back to the doctor to try something else. He’ll try it for a few days or weeks then it tapers off. Part of it is inherent in the ADHD - he is not able to be consistent about things unless he’s medicated. But if he isn’t consistent with the meds then it’s an endless cycle. Honestly, years of talking, praying, doctors and all of that have helped tremendously, but at the end of the day it’s never going to be 100% resolved. I guess that’s why I’m still wanting to keep growing our family in the meantime while we work through these issues.

As much as you want more children as quickly as possible because of your medical issues, this brings up a red flag for me. At least in my experience, and from anecdotal conversations with other married couples, more children on top of serious issues between spouses does not help this situation; more often, it just makes things worse. I mean this with the gentlest of intentions… but perhaps God’s will is for you to just have your one child and be grateful for that? Perhaps be open to His will the best that you can, without exacerbating your husband’s mental condition(s), and let the ‘chips fall where they may’.

 

[SilverLight]

As much as you want more children as quickly as possible because of your medical issues, this brings up a red flag for me. At least in my experience, and from anecdotal conversations with other married couples, more children on top of serious issues between spouses does not help this situation; more often, it just makes things worse. I mean this with the gentlest of intentions… but perhaps God’s will is for you to just have your one child and be grateful for that? Perhaps be open to His will the best that you can, without exacerbating your husband’s mental condition(s), and let the ‘chips fall where they may’.

+1

 

[underacloud]

Hmmm…I wonder what the husband might have to say if he were here. There are two sides to every story and we are hearing just one of them.

 

[MomaMary8]

Thank you to those of you who have offered advice and prayers on my situation. The conversation seems to have gone off the rails somewhere along the way…
We really don’t have any problems with my husband demanding sex, making me feel used, or turning to pornography/infidelity. We also obviously do not have the challenge of many young children born back-to-back. These are pretty much the opposite of our problems

I do understand very well the reasons my hubby is afraid to have another child right now, and we have talked about it many times. It’s not that he doesn’t want another child ever, but it seems there is always another reason to postpone. Even after all with been through with infertility he does not seem to grasp the real urgency of the situation. Even if we start trying today there is a good chance I will not be able to conceive again - I just don’t want to have those “what if’s” questions when we look back and realized we shouldn’t have waited.

If I’m being honest my deeper worry is that most of his fears come back to a lack of trust in God and his understanding of the purpose of marriage. He doesn’t have a strong Catholic upbringing and it really shows through at times like this. He has the very worldly mentality that all of your ducks must be in a row before you have kids - the truth is no one ever has all their ducks in a row. I would like for us to talk to a priest but it feels so awkward and embarrassing to bring up. Plus they are so busy with so many more important things. Are there books or other ways that he could learn and grow in this area?

Being worried about your husband’s faith life is not being judgemental. You are close to him and can recognize where his struggles are. This is a good sign of a attentive wife. How you approach your concern will reveal even more about you.

I think you understand that wives cannot change their husbands, and this is why you are seeking help here. I think the most powerful thing you can do is to pray for your husband everyday. I began praying for my husband years ago. I dare say that we would still only have 5 kids if I had not prayed for his faith as much as I did. Human concerns always arose and would frighten him when talk of another baby would come up. Soon my husband began praying the Rosary and baby #6 came along with no more talk of vasectomy in sight! It was a beautiful turn in our marriage. His openness and trust in God’s plan grew as well as our family. I continued to pray for my husband, found faithful friends for my husband to be around and eventually got him connected with his current spiritual director/priest. I encouraged him to receive the sacraments more often (but this didn’t really happen until he started meeting with the priest. I could not make him go to daily mass or confession.) His faith life has grown.

I would encourage you to pray for your husband daily. If you can make daily mass with him, that would be helpful, too. I chose to pray to Our Lady while doing dishes and offered the prayers and work for my husband. I have a little tiny statue of Mary by my sink. At first it was just a prayer card that I propped up as a reminder, now I see the statue and remember to talk to Mary about life and husband.

Don’t try to change your husband yourself. Enlist the big help of saints in heaven! Turn to your favorite intercesor for help. You could also try to encourage spiritual reading with him. Do you two like to read? Would he be willing to read a spiritual book with you? Or in a book club? Start a club and read a spiritual book that will foster his faith, and leave the parenting books behind. God will move his heart, and hopefully God will bless you again someday.

Edit to add: while praying for your husband, pray for acceptance of him as he is and for your family size. Don’t neglect your own prayer life!

 

[underacloud]

If I’m being honest my deeper worry is that most of his fears come back to a lack of trust in God and his understanding of the purpose of marriage. He doesn’t have a strong Catholic upbringing and it really shows through at times like this. He has the very worldly mentality that all of your ducks must be in a row before you have kids - the truth is no one ever has all their ducks in a row. I would like for us to talk to a priest but it feels so awkward and embarrassing to bring up. Plus they are so busy with so many more important things. Are there books or other ways that he could learn and grow in this area?

This strikes me a quite condescending towards your husband.

You already have a child and he is open to having more in the future - how does he not understand the purpose of marriage?

And there is nothing unCatholic about wanting to have your ducks in a row. In fact, the Church teaches responsible parenting and spacing births when needed (when ducks aren’t in a row). No, the difference in your attitudes in not a matter of him being being out of step with Church teaching (based on what you’ve said so far), but simply on the two of you disagreeing about the practical aspects of it. You have different understandings of when having another child will be best for your family and the pros and cons of trying now vs trying later. No sensible priest will get in the middle of this. A good one will help you talk through it together, but if you expect taking him to a priest to be your trump card - which your post above seems to imply - you may be very disappointed.

 

[Lou2U]

This strikes me a quite condescending towards your husband.

You already have a child and he is open to having more in the future - how does he not understand the purpose of marriage?

And there is nothing unCatholic about wanting to have your ducks in a row. In fact, the Church teaches responsible parenting and spacing births when needed (when ducks aren’t in a row). No, the difference in your attitudes in not a matter of him being being out of step with Church teaching (based on what you’ve said so far), but simply on the two of you disagreeing about the practical aspects of it. You have different understandings of when having another child will be best for your family and the pros and cons of trying now vs trying later. No sensible priest will get in the middle of this. A good one will help you talk through it together, but if you expect taking him to a priest to be your trump card - which your post above seems to imply - you may be very disappointed.

I agree. You need to be patient with your husband - I don’t think books will be too helpful in your situation.

I understand that you don’t want to be patient, but as I said in my earlier posts, having a baby now isn’t going to solve any of your problems - it may cause more and more issues. I would suggest you continue to talk to your husband, and show you are willing to listen to him. Maybe you could talk to your Priest about his medical issues, and how you could focus on encouraging him to stick to medication to help his problems in that area. It might help your husband to view things more clearly if he does.

Lou

 

[alphawoman]

I agree. You need to be patient with your husband - I don’t think books will be too helpful in your situation.

I understand that you don’t want to be patient, but as I said in my earlier posts, having a baby now isn’t going to solve any of your problems - it may cause more and more issues. I would suggest you continue to talk to your husband, and show you are willing to listen to him. Maybe you could talk to your Priest about his medical issues, and how you could focus on encouraging him to stick to medication to help his problems in that area. It might help your husband to view things more clearly if he does.

Lou

I agree with both Lou and underacloud.

Further, I will add this:

The decision of whether and when to expand a family is among the most important decisions a person can make. How deeply have you delved into the underlying motivations for your husband’s hesitation, as well as your eagerness? From your posts above, your attitude comes across as dismissive of your husband’s legitimate concerns. If that is the tone you are conveying, then don’t be surprised if your reaction and desire to exert your will at the cost of mutual spousal respect and cooperation undermines your cause.

It takes two to say yes to a baby, and it sounds like you aren’t on the same page with respect to some underlying factor that feeds into fertility decisions. I would want to understand from my husband the conditions, if any, under which a new baby would be a decision he could support enthusiastically. Understand your respective boundary conditions and dig into the WHY of your preferences.

A desire to have finances in order could stem from many motivations, most of which aren’t selfish or materialistic. Maybe your husband wants to be able to fund your children’s educations, has a desire to scale back worker retire early to secure more family time, is concerned about potential medical bills down the line due to a family predisposition, etc. The answer you gave above says you understand your husband’s motivations, but you don’t if multiple issues keep surfacing. Fix that.

 

[pianistclare]

One more thought:
Be aware that having a daddy who is always fearful could impact the children’s social development. Seek to help him work on these issues and when he is coping better, is taking his meds well, and has success with various coping skills…he may change his mind about more children. For now, it sounds like he won’t be able to cope no matter how much you want it.
Take care of him.God bless.