Husband now wants kids

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ed814

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My husband & I agreed not to have children. Back when we were on like our third date, I told him in no uncertain terms that I NEVER want to have kids and he said he didn’t either. Thank God we had found each other!

Now, five years into the marriage, he says he’s changed his mind! Last night he dropped this bombshell on me and I am torn up. I love him and want to stay marreid to him, but I am quite certain that I never want children. Is there any way we can stay together?
 
The good news is that I and many of us here will keep you and your husband in prayer.

The bad news is that you are going to hate this answer, but one of the inescapable purposes of marriage is procreation, and frankly lots of it barring serious reasons not to. How serious does the Church take that? So serious that if a couple goes into a marriage with a willful attitude of excluding children, then there might be grounds for annulment. (Which I of course am not suggesting, just pointing out the seriousness of it.)

You are going to need lots of communication with your husband and prayer. God bless you.
 
Yes, we are both Catholic. We grew up in the same church and attend weekly together.

I have never wanted children since I was physically able to have them. I don’t feel like God has called me to motherhood. I help out with kids and teens in other ministries (I do LIKE kids, just don’t want any of my own) and feel this is how God wants me to serve in the world. I really felt blessed to find someone else in the world like me. But now my entire world is flipped upside-down.

I feel like the only thing to do is get an annulment but really, really dont want that to happen.
 
Did you mean to say that you are not physically able to have kids? Otherwise I am at a loss to understand why you would be so surprised that your husband views marriage as including children.
 
If God has not called you to motherhood, then marriage is not your vocation. End of story. ← see the period.

“God calls me” is not just the Catholic term for “I want”, it has objective meaning and as such must meet the objective teachings of the Church.

I’d go so far as to say since the desire not to have children is an obvious impediment to a sacramental marriage, your marriage itself might be null.
 
I am shocked this did not come up in your premarital investigation. It is indeed a serious issue. This is one of the elements of valid consent when entering into marriage. One cannot put such a precondition on marriage.

On a practical level, you should both go for counseling and talk to your priest. When you ask “is there any way we can stay together” I’m not sure what you are looking for. If neither of you change your minds, then it is likely that your marriage will continue to suffer greatly. There is not way to “compromise” on such an issue. Get counseling, pray, and pray some more.
 
With all the noise in the world we sometimes do not hear the “call” or if we do, we hear only what we want to hear. Being married and not open to life, as what could be part of God’s will, seems like too much “Me, Me” selfishness. I agree you need to talk to your priest and truly discern what God wants for you. Maybe your work with children is a prep for your own children. Whatever the case the decision has to be made as a couple.

Paul
 
I also am surprised this didn’t come up in pre-marital counseling. One of the prerequisites to Catholic marriage is openness to life. The Church sees procreation as one of the purposes of marriage…and as other people have stated, if you went into marriage with the intention of never having children, it can be grounds for an annulment.

Honestly, I knew lots of women who thought they never wanted kids but would “accidentally” conceive and have been so happy to have a child! Pray hard and seek counseling. Prayers for you! :gopray2:
 
As Scottgun pointed out, your intention to never have children may be grounds for an annulment. Remember that an annulment IS NOT a Catholic divorce, it is the Church’s declaration that no marriage ever took place. Likewise, the possibility that you have grounds for an annulment is the same as the very real possibility that you are not validly married right now given your intentions.

Only a tribunal would be able to review this case for certain, but know that the Church is adamant that a principal purpose of marriage is procreation. Likewise IF God called you to be married, then he also called you to be open to children, as this is a primary end of the married couple: the creation of new life and participation in the trinitarian love of husband, wife and child. If you are certain that God called you not to have any kids, then you should be fairly certain that he called you to a life of celibacy, perhaps cloistered with other nuns who share that calling. If you receive an annulment, you are free to pursue that vocation. 🙂

I am also wondering: have you talked about this desire to never have children with your confessor? If you haven’t, I would bring that up in your next confession. It is likely sinful, and perhaps mortally so. Only your confessor has the authority to make such a judgment, however.

These Apologist answers are also all relevant to your situation:
This one in particular, linked to above: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=43988

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=200235
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=64900
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=14513
 
ed814 said:
I feel like the only thing to do is get an annulment but really, really dont want that to happen.
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ed814,

I just wanted to clarify annulments with you in case you don’t know. The Catholic Church does not give someone an annulment. What happens is that after a civil divorce, a Catholic can fill out paperwork for an annulment. Only after the divorce can the Church investigate the validity of the marriage.

The Church then looks at the circumstances that were present when the marriage began and determines whether or not a valid, sacramental marriage took place. If it did not, the Church declares that the marriage is null, aka there was no marriage to begin with.

If the Church finds that a marriage did occur, then the Catholic spouse/s are still considered married by the Church, even if they are civilly divorced, and they cannot remarry. There is no guarantee when a Catholic gets divorced that the Church will declare the marriage null.

My advice to you is not to do anything rash. Take some time to think and to pray. Read about the Catholic view of marriage and speak with your priest. Then pray some more 😉 . I cannot imagine how extremely difficult this situation is for you, but I do know that with God’s help you can get through it.
 
I sometime wonder if some of these threads are “BAIT”

New user, 2 post, both in this thread. Are we being baited?
 
So, when you were taking your wedding vows, and the priest asked you both, “Are you willing to accept children” (not verbatim) you said yes? If that is the case you lied to your husband and God which may be grounds for an annulment.
 
ljprevo said:
I sometime wonder if some of these threads are “BAIT”

New user, 2 post, both in this thread. Are we being baited?
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Maybe, but sometimes lurkers will register because they’ve got a question they don’t feel asking friends about and trust the reliability of responses on here.

However, it is a funny question for someone on a Catholic forum to say they intended to never have children in a Catholic marriage. Makes you wonder… 😛
 
Some times I think those people who ask a question like that for their first post might be regular posters who don’t want that questioned tied to their regular user name, like it is something that they would be embarrassed for us to know. So, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
 
nobeerinheaven said:
However, it is a funny question for someone on a Catholic forum to say they intended to never have children in a Catholic marriage. Makes you wonder… 😛
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With the lack of good catechesis in recent years, it doesn’t make me wonder at all.

There probably were priests who married couples either w/o asking questions or just overlooking things.
 
First of all, I’m not baiting anyone. I have never had a crisis, so this was my first time on the site. I have gained a new appreciation for the bible verse “pray without ceasing,” as that has been all I’ve done all day long…

My husband & I talked many times about not having children before we got married. I am certain in my thoughts and he said he was certain too. I dont think myself naive for believing him.

I did agree to and say the vows b/c if by some miracle I was pregnant, I would of course go through with the pregnancy, but have no plans to get pregnant.

There are childless couples out there and I dont see that their marriage is less valid or not brining glory to God just because they dont have children.
 
ed814 said:
My husband & I talked many times about not having children before we got married. I am certain in my thoughts and he said he was certain too. I dont think myself naive for believing him.
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I am sorry it never occurred to you that people grow and change over a lifetime and that there can never be a decision of this magnitude that is completely and irreversibly final nor can you place such a condition on your spouse.
ed814 said:
I did agree to and say the vows b/c if by some miracle I was pregnant, I would of course go through with the pregnancy, but have no plans to get pregnant.
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But, you withheld your full consent by never intending to have children-- in essence, now that your husband has stated he wants to have a child you are now denying the very vow you consented to.
ed814 said:
There are childless couples out there and I dont see that their marriage is less valid or not brining glory to God just because they dont have children.
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You cannot compare your willful refusal to have children with infertility. They are not analogous.

Please seek counseling with your husband. I am sure this is very difficult for both of you.
 
ed814 said:
My husband & I agreed not to have children. Back when we were on like our third date, I told him in no uncertain terms that I NEVER want to have kids and he said he didn’t either. Thank God we had found each other!

Now, five years into the marriage, he says he’s changed his mind! Last night he dropped this bombshell on me and I am torn up. I love him and want to stay marreid to him, but I am quite certain that I never want children. Is there any way we can stay together?
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What exactly was the bombshell? He’s beginning to think he’s changed his mind? He’s opening a dialog about the possibility? He wants 12 kids and unless you agree its a dealbreaker?!

It certainly is possible for people to change and not to have been dishonest when they made the original representation. If you are just as firm in your conviction never to have kids, you obviously have a major stumbling block. You don’t mention how old either of you are. Would you consider attending some counseling to talk through this together? It certainly seems that if you love each other and the marriage has been a good one for 5 years, you won’t want to just abandon it over one conversation.
 
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