Husband now wants kids

[HouseArrest]

First of all, I’m not baiting anyone. I have never had a crisis, so this was my first time on the site. I have gained a new appreciation for the bible verse “pray without ceasing,” as that has been all I’ve done all day long…

My husband & I talked many times about not having children before we got married. I am certain in my thoughts and he said he was certain too. I dont think myself naive for believing him.

I did agree to and say the vows b/c if by some miracle I was pregnant, I would of course go through with the pregnancy, but have no plans to get pregnant.

There are childless couples out there and I dont see that their marriage is less valid or not brining glory to God just because they dont have children.

It seems as though your interpretation of “open to life” means carrying through with an accidental pregnancy, nothing more? Just trying to clarify.

 

[rick43235]

There’s nothing sad about someone coming around and embracing the views of the Church! We should all be very excited for the husband, hoping that this change helps reconcile his life with God.

Perhaps. But we should also acknowledge that the OP now finds herself married to someone who has unilaterally altered their agreement about a fundamental aspect of their marriage. Unquestionably, his desire for children is in line with the teachings of the Church. And of course, people can change, and his desire for children might be a long held desire that is just now coming to the surface. That said, he must take responsibility for the fact that he has put his wife in a situation that she was very clear about not wanting.

 

[dulcissima]

I’ve heard that if a marriage is invalid from the start, events later in the marriage don’t make it suddenly become valid. I’m just wondering in a situation like this, if one of the spouses truly went into the marriage on the condition that they never have children…but later changed their mind would the marriage vows need to be renewed with a priest? Or is the fact that they are able to overcome these problems evidence that maybe that spouses wasn’t as closed to having children as she believed that she was, and the graces of a valid and sacramental marriage are there to save them from divorce?? I don’t know the answer…just sort of thinking out loud here.

 

[Catherine_W]

It seems as though your interpretation of “open to life” means carrying through with an accidental pregnancy, nothing more? Just trying to clarify.

To the OP:

Are you aware that “open to life” means much more than carrying through with an accidental pregnancy? Do you know that ALL forms of contraception are considered “NOT open to life”?

The only option for Catholic couples to space children (for just reason) is Natural Family Planning.

I am curious if you got married in the Catholic Church? and if so did you go through a marriage prep program at your Church?

I pray that your heart will be open to God and you too will be open to life. God bless

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Are you and your husband open to adoption? You had mentioned you liked kids. There are children, especially older children, who long to be a part of a family. Perhaps you could try being foster parents or hosting a child for a Fresh Air type program.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Of course people grow and change, but her husband must have done a pretty good job of “selling” her on the fact that he wanted to remain childless too. Otherwise, she probably wouldn’t have married him. At this stage of the game it’s not really fair of him to play the “Guess-What-I-Changed-My-Mind” card.

When I married my wife I didn’t believe in God, care about religion or in fact, cared about anyone but myself.

Since I’ve found God I’ve made a complete 180. Should she leave me because I’ve changed or do I have to become my old self again?

 

[rick43235]

When I married my wife I didn’t believe in God, care about religion or in fact, cared about anyone but myself…Since I’ve found God I’ve made a complete 180.

Congratulations on making some positive changes in your life. I’m sure your wife is pleased. However, these changes don’t require anything of your wife. Becoming parents, on the other hand, requires an enormous commitment from both the husband and (especially) the wife - a commitment that the OP was very clear about not wanting to assume.

Should she leave me because I’ve changed or do I have to become my old self again?

Of course not. Now, let me ask you - should the OP’s husband leave her because her attitude regarding children, which they agreed to before getting married, has not changed?

 

[Corki]

Perhaps. But we should also acknowledge that the OP now finds herself married to someone who has unilaterally altered their agreement about a fundamental aspect of their marriage. Unquestionably, his desire for children is in line with the teachings of the Church. And of course, people can change, and his desire for children might be a long held desire that is just now coming to the surface. That said, he must take responsibility for the fact that he has put his wife in a situation that she was very clear about not wanting.

There’s three in a marriage - husband, wife, and God. If they got married in a Catholic wedding, they both made an agreement with God to accept children lovingly as gifts (not accidents). But they had this little “side” agreement to try not to have any children - not, from the original post, due to a serious health condition, or pre-existing infertility. For a while, the husband and wife put the “side” agreement ahead of their agreement with God. Now the husband wants to put the agreement with God ahead.

It isn’t that the agreements have altered. There has always been two incompatible agreements and the choice of which to honor, for the husband, has altered.

 

[rick43235]

There’s three in a marriage - husband, wife, and God. If they got married in a Catholic wedding, they both made an agreement with God to accept children lovingly as gifts (not accidents). But they had this little “side” agreement to try not to have any children - not, from the original post, due to a serious health condition, or pre-existing infertility. For a while, the husband and wife put the “side” agreement ahead of their agreement with God. Now the husband wants to put the agreement with God ahead.

It isn’t that the agreements have altered. There has always been two incompatible agreements and the choice of which to honor, for the husband, has altered.

Hmmm…I never looked at it like that before. Good point. Still, even though it was a “side agreement,” it was one they made with each other before they got married, and I can understand why the wife might feel wronged now that he is trying to renege.

Clearly, the husband’s desire for children is in line with the teachings of the Church. Just as clearly, for whatever reason, the wife rejects that particular principle. If it turns out that they can not come to agreement on this issue, I suppose he can claim the moral high ground. Plus, according to my (less than perfect) understanding of the annulment process, he probably has grounds to petition the tribunal for an annulment. Even so, because of the fact that the wife was very clear about her desire not to have children, and because the husband indicated his full agreement not to have children, and because it is the husband who, five years down the road, is unilaterally trying to renege on the agreement, in my mind, it is the husband who has to assume the responsibility for running this marriage off the rails.

 

[nobeerinheaven]

Given the OP’s silence, I am again beginning to wonder if this was a joke post and we all took the bait.

In a few days we may get something like “I got married in a Catholic Church and now my wife wants us to stop using birth control - is it OK to divorce her for that?”

 

[Corki]

Clearly, the husband’s desire for children is in line with the teachings of the Church. Just as clearly, for whatever reason, the wife rejects that particular principle. If it turns out that they can not come to agreement on this issue, I suppose he can claim the moral high ground. Plus, according to my (less than perfect) understanding of the annulment process, he probably has grounds to petition the tribunal for an annulment. Even so, because of the fact that the wife was very clear about her desire not to have children, and because the husband indicated his full agreement not to have children, and because it is the husband who, five years down the road, is unilaterally trying to renege on the agreement, in my mind, it is the husband who has to assume the responsibility for running this marriage off the rails.

I believe you are right about the first point. In fact, a friend of mine petitioned for an annulment on the same grounds. He and his wife never intended to have kids. One of the reasons they divorced was that he decided he wanted a family. They weren’t even Catholic but the grounds for the petition was that she didn’t want children.

it is the husband who has to assume the responsibility for running this marriage off the rails

This doesn’t make sense. Both a husband and wife always have joint responsibility to keep the marriage “on the rails”. The husband in this case doesn’t have any more responsibility if the marriage does not succeed. One of the chief responsibilities in marriage is to get your spouse (and children) to heaven. He is late, but he is stepping up.

 

[StratusRose]

Given the OP’s silence, I am again beginning to wonder if this was a joke post and we all took the bait.

In a few days we may get something like “I got married in a Catholic Church and now my wife wants us to stop using birth control - is it OK to divorce her for that?”

Sometimes other posters who debate back and forth drive new members away.

 

[rick43235]

This doesn’t make sense. Both a husband and wife always have joint responsibility to keep the marriage “on the rails”. The husband in this case doesn’t have any more responsibility if the marriage does not succeed.

On that point we are going to have to disagree.

As someone else on here noted, the OP has not been heard from in quite a while. I too am beginning to think we’ve been had by a troll. Consequently, I’m done.

 

[Calliso]

My husband & I agreed not to have children. Back when we were on like our third date, I told him in no uncertain terms that I NEVER want to have kids and he said he didn’t either. Thank God we had found each other!

Now, five years into the marriage, he says he’s changed his mind! Last night he dropped this bombshell on me and I am torn up. I love him and want to stay marreid to him, but I am quite certain that I never want children. Is there any way we can stay together?

As a childfree person myself I know how must feel right about now. Really though while I think you should try your hardest to make this work out even from a noncatholic perspective it might not. The decision to have or not have children needs to be the same in both spouses. Really as I see it you got a few choices here. You could get a divorce and stay single or this time make 200% sure that you marry a man that isn;t likely to change his mind.

You could changing his mind…ask him why he has changed his mind why does he want children now? Does he really understand the emotional, physical and finicial commitment it takes to raise children? Also I am curious have you gotten alot of flak for your childfreeness from friends and relatives? It is quite possible if that is the case that your husband might have finally given in. Though it is also just as likely he made the decision on his own and likely made it long before you even knew.

Another thing you could do is try to compromise in the form of adoption, however if you think you woudl be unhappy raising any kid even a older one this might not be a great solution. Making yourself miserable to appease your husband likely will kill your marriage faster then anything.

The last thing I can think of for you to do is just have a child. But this could go very bad too. You could find that you make a great parent and love parenting and all that. Or it could make your utterly miserable for at least the next 18 years.
Really though I hate to be so negative here. I wish I could say something more positive, I wish I could come up with a solution where both parties win…but short of him changing his mind or you changing your mind I donlt see it happening. I will pray for you.

 

[nobeerinheaven]

As a childfree person myself I know how must feel right about now. Really though while I think you should try your hardest to make this work out even from a noncatholic perspective it might not. The decision to have or not have children needs to be the same in both spouses. Really as I see it you got a few choices here. You could get a divorce and stay single or this time make 200% sure that you marry a man that isn;t likely to change his mind.

Depending on what you mean here, this attitude (and advice) may be gravely sinful.

 

[Calliso]

Depending on what you mean here, this attitude (and advice) may be gravely sinful.

Err are you talking about my childfreeness and my support of her childfreeness and or my advice to her mentioning her getting a divorce? I should also add I certainly donlt think divorce is a good thing…but sometimes things just wonlt work out. I certainly donlt think though that she should just go out and get a divorce now and start looking for another guy. A divorce should be her last option. Really though as I see it short of either her or her husband changing their mind I donlt see this ending very well. Unless of course she has a child and decides she likes being a parent, but I wouldn;t count on that.

 

[Corki]

Depending on what you mean here, this attitude (and advice) may be gravely sinful.

Err are you talking about my childfreeness and my support of her childfreeness and or my advice to her mentioning her getting a divorce? I should also add I certainly donlt think divorce is a good thing…but sometimes things just wonlt work out. I certainly donlt think though that she should just go out and get a divorce now and start looking for another guy. A divorce should be her last option. Really though as I see it short of either her or her husband changing their mind I donlt see this ending very well. Unless of course she has a child and decides she likes being a parent, but I wouldn;t count on that.

For a Catholic married couple, there is no such thing as “childfree” as you seem to portray it - which sounds like childfree purely as a choice. It is sinful not to welcome children as a fruit of marriage unless there is a really serious reason. There are certainly couples who have to delay, even indefinately, having children but a valid reason to do so would not be to avoid the “emotional, physical and finicial commitment it takes to raise children”.

Frankly, if a couple is not willing to take on the committment of children, they should not marry. The reason that the attitude/advice might be sinful is that it seems to encourage someone (the OP) to continue to avoid children, even while married, for what seems to be issues of not understanding what marriage is all about.

BTW, most spouses change their minds many times during a marriage regarding children - when, how many, now, later, how far apart and when to stop trying? It is not reasonable to look for a guarantee before marriage, the best you can do is to try to find someone with shared values and goals and pray for the best.

 

[Princess18]

Are you and your husband open to adoption? You had mentioned you liked kids. There are children, especially older children, who long to be a part of a family. Perhaps you could try being foster parents or hosting a child for a Fresh Air type program.

This brings up a side question for me. Let’s say hypothetically, that a couple gets married in the Church but say that they do not want to physically give birth to children themselves (perhaps a genetic issue they don’t want to pass on or something similar) and they use NFP to elude conception. If they decide to adopt several kids instead, does this fulfill the obligation of their vows of being fruitful and open to life?

Slightly off topic, but since the OP hasn’t answered in a while, I don’t feel too bad.

 

[Calliso]

This brings up a side question for me. Let’s say hypothetically, that a couple gets married in the Church but say that they do not want to physically give birth to children themselves (perhaps a genetic issue they don’t want to pass on or something similar) and they use NFP to elude conception. If they decide to adopt several kids instead, does this fulfill the obligation of their vows of being fruitful and open to life?

Slightly off topic, but since the OP hasn’t answered in a while, I don’t feel too bad.

Hah I was actually just thinking of asking something like that. Especially since a couple of us recommended adoption to her…I was wondering would that even count in her case?

 

[Calliso]

For a Catholic married couple, there is no such thing as “childfree” as you seem to portray it - which sounds like childfree purely as a choice. It is sinful not to welcome children as a fruit of marriage unless there is a really serious reason. There are certainly couples who have to delay, even indefinately, having children but a valid reason to do so would not be to avoid the “emotional, physical and finicial commitment it takes to raise children”.

Frankly, if a couple is not willing to take on the committment of children, they should not marry. The reason that the attitude/advice might be sinful is that it seems to encourage someone (the OP) to continue to avoid children, even while married, for what seems to be issues of not understanding what marriage is all about.

BTW, most spouses change their minds many times during a marriage regarding children - when, how many, now, later, how far apart and when to stop trying? It is not reasonable to look for a guarantee before marriage, the best you can do is to try to find someone with shared values and goals and pray for the best.

Well I disagree that children must be a part of marriage barring extreme circumstances and that people should not get married if they donlt want kids. But we are probably going to have to agree to disagree on that at least in this thread I should say though that many of us childfree have a pretty big laundry list of why we donlt want children…that usually goes beyond the basic physical finical and mental aspect of childraising.

You do make a good point though people do change their mind. Really this is probably something the opening should have discussed before she got married. And if they couldn;t have come to a agreement then they should have not gotten married. Really though it’;s too late for that, the best any of us can do right now is pray that one of them changes their mind, or that she has a kid and decides she likes to be a parent. Cause a parent that hates being a parent usually doesn;t make a good parent and kids deserve good parents.