Husband refuses to quit inappropriate web-cam girls

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Will try to keep this as short as possible as its a long story. Catholic couple, married 3 years. After 4 months of marriage, I came home from work early one day to find my husband engaging in sexual activity with a woman on a web-cam (skype). I was devastated, up to that day I had felt blessed beyond what I truly deserved with my peaceful, loving marriage. Up to that point I had complete trust in my husband although he did always want to know exactly where I was and who I was with at all times, looking back now that should have been a warning sign, but I just took it as though he worried about me. Anyway, we had huge row about the activity on web-cam, he begged forgiveness and said he had never done that before. So I forgave him and we went back to normal. However, he never stopped. Almost every time he is alone in our home he searches online for women or girls willing to engage in sexual activity with him via web-cam. He tries to cover it up but these ladies often message or call our skype account for days after looking for more time with my husband. When I confront the ladies they say he lied to them that he was single or widowed (!)
Its been 2 and a half years of this exhausting behaviour, every time I catch him he begs forgiveness and says it will never happen again, but it always does.
Can I ‘make him’ see how wrong this is? Or am I fooling myself and he has no love at all for me so will never stop? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? What can I do to save my marriage? Kiamh
 
kiamh, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It’s unacceptable behavior, as you know, and your husband needs to know that it can’t go on.

During these (frequent?) conversations/confessions when he breaks down and apologizes, What if you were to sit him down and ask him about practical suggestions.

Him: “I’m so sorry, it’ll never happen again!”
You: (Deep breath) “Okay, this seems like a major temptation for you. Something needs to change. So what is that? What do needs to change? What can we do to help ensure it doesn’t happen again?”

The fact that he “begs for forgiveness” means he does realize that this is wrong, or at least that it’s incompatible with having a happy wife. The fact the he does it over and over again means he’s either lying to you and doesn’t want to stop or the temptation is too great. I’m not sure how you fix it is he’s just lying to placate you and he’s not really sorry. If he’s just really weak and prone to temptation then I think you should both consider implementing all of the following:
  1. Monthly or weekly family confession days.
  2. Getting an accountability partner for your husband (a solid Catholic, and a man!)
  3. Removing skype from your home computer.
  4. Installing pornn filters/password-protected filters on the computer.
I would also suggest that you get counseling from a priest or someone else who shares your understanding of the permanence of marriage for advice on how to handle this if your husband still won’t stop. You don’t want someone recommending divorce, but maybe a Catholic counselor can give you some ideas for giving your frustration a little teeth. I don’t know what that looks like, an ultimatum? I’m not sure.

I’ll pray for you.
 
Their is really no excuse for this behaviour , but unfortunately once people start on this Rubbish it’s hard to stop, its like an addictive drug, once your on it it’s hard to kick the habit
, no matter how entertaining you yourself might be for him,
You just got to go cold Turkey, lose the Internet, get a mobile phone which gives the most basic service,no fancy gadgetary , and keep him busy so that he has no time for this rubbish to occupy his mind , talk him through it step by step,don’t be confrontational about it,
Tell him you understand what he is going through, ask him how can you help him through it
,tell him you can work through this together, because you took your wedding vows seriously
,for better or worse,etc etc…your a two person team, I could ask a thing or two, but not on the front page of the newspaper,lol… Good luck, hope it works out,
 
kiamh said:
Will try to keep this as short as possible as its a long story. Catholic couple, married 3 years. After 4 months of marriage, I came home from work early one day to find my husband engaging in sexual activity with a woman on a web-cam (skype). I was devastated, up to that day I had felt blessed beyond what I truly deserved with my peaceful, loving marriage. Up to that point I had complete trust in my husband although he did always want to know exactly where I was and who I was with at all times, looking back now that should have been a warning sign, but I just took it as though he worried about me. Anyway, we had huge row about the activity on web-cam, he begged forgiveness and said he had never done that before. So I forgave him and we went back to normal. However, he never stopped. Almost every time he is alone in our home he searches online for women or girls willing to engage in sexual activity with him via web-cam. He tries to cover it up but these ladies often message or call our skype account for days after looking for more time with my husband. When I confront the ladies they say he lied to them that he was single or widowed (!)
Its been 2 and a half years of this exhausting behaviour, every time I catch him he begs forgiveness and says it will never happen again, but it always does.
Can I ‘make him’ see how wrong this is? Or am I fooling myself and he has no love at all for me so will never stop? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? What can I do to save my marriage? Kiamh
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In short, your husband needs some kind of threaputic intervention, and you both need marriage counseling.

The first thing you ought to do is discuss this with your priest.

As far as confronting the ladies, I would guess some if not most of them do the cam things for a living. Don’t expect much female bonding, sympathy (or the truth) there, because they probably know married men are a big clientele.
 
Have a good look at your credit card bills and look at both of your credit histories to see if there are any credit cards that you don’t know about.

It’s not unlikely that there is a lot of financial activity going on that you don’t know about.
 
Xantippe said:
Have a good look at your credit card bills and look at both of your credit histories to see if there are any credit cards that you don’t know about.

It’s not unlikely that there is a lot of financial activity going on that you don’t know about.
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Otherwise, there is no rational explanation why these women are seeking out your husband, because there is no shortage of Internet pervs out there. This is not just porn but prostitution in progress.
 
kiamh said:
Will try to keep this as short as possible as its a long story. Catholic couple, married 3 years. After 4 months of marriage, I came home from work early one day to find my husband engaging in sexual activity with a woman on a web-cam (skype). I was devastated, up to that day I had felt blessed beyond what I truly deserved with my peaceful, loving marriage. Up to that point I had complete trust in my husband although he did always want to know exactly where I was and who I was with at all times, looking back now that should have been a warning sign, but I just took it as though he worried about me. Anyway, we had huge row about the activity on web-cam, he begged forgiveness and said he had never done that before. So I forgave him and we went back to normal. However, he never stopped. Almost every time he is alone in our home he searches online for women or girls willing to engage in sexual activity with him via web-cam. He tries to cover it up but these ladies often message or call our skype account for days after looking for more time with my husband. When I confront the ladies they say he lied to them that he was single or widowed (!)
Its been 2 and a half years of this exhausting behaviour, every time I catch him he begs forgiveness and says it will never happen again, but it always does.
Can I ‘make him’ see how wrong this is? Or am I fooling myself and he has no love at all for me so will never stop? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? What can I do to save my marriage? Kiamh
Click to expand...
Oh…I am SO sorry you have been going through this. It must feel like a major betrayal of trust, a disappointment in the extreme, and much more. 😦

:hug1:

Would you consider getting individual counseling and then going from there?
 
kiamh said:
Will try to keep this as short as possible as its a long story. Catholic couple, married 3 years. After 4 months of marriage, I came home from work early one day to find my husband engaging in sexual activity with a woman on a web-cam (skype). I was devastated, up to that day I had felt blessed beyond what I truly deserved with my peaceful, loving marriage. Up to that point I had complete trust in my husband although he did always want to know exactly where I was and who I was with at all times, looking back now that should have been a warning sign, but I just took it as though he worried about me. Anyway, we had huge row about the activity on web-cam, he begged forgiveness and said he had never done that before. So I forgave him and we went back to normal. However, he never stopped. Almost every time he is alone in our home he searches online for women or girls willing to engage in sexual activity with him via web-cam. He tries to cover it up but these ladies often message or call our skype account for days after looking for more time with my husband. When I confront the ladies they say he lied to them that he was single or widowed (!)
Its been 2 and a half years of this exhausting behaviour, every time I catch him he begs forgiveness and says it will never happen again, but it always does.
Can I ‘make him’ see how wrong this is? Or am I fooling myself and he has no love at all for me so will never stop? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? What can I do to save my marriage? Kiamh
Click to expand...
He’s addicted to it. And when he begs for forgiveness, at the time he begs, he truly does intend for it to be his last time. Nothing is hopeless, and God can change everyone. But… he seems to also be lying to himself. It’s actually not so much you that he’s lying to, it’s himself - though by lying to himself, he’s lying to you in the process. It sounds like he’s ashamed of what he’s doing, so much so that he doesn’t want to confront his addiction (and that’s actually what it is). And, in my experience, the only way to break a habitual sin is through going to confession every time it’s committed. He needs to explain to the priest that it’s a habit and addiction that he’s not able to break on his own. Maybe, actually, you can go with him each time (not in the confessional together, of course, but, hey, you’ve also committed sins that you want forgiven). For your part, pray for him and remind him that you love him - but really, really have a heart-to-heart with him, explaining to him gently - in a non-judgmental way - at a time other than right when you have caught him having cyber-video-sex with cam girls. Why at a different time? Because at the time, he is absolutely, positively, on the defensive - and will say anything he thinks you want to hear. Perhaps ask him to pray with you.
 
This is awfully heartbreaking to read. I assure you of my prayers.

You ought to know that you aren’t alone. I’m going to assume that many Catholic families are going through this right along with you–even church-going, generally serious Catholic families. I imagine that there are support groups for this, and I highly recommend that you seek them out. I suspect that your husband is an addict. I also suspect that it probably hurts him a great deal that he is hurting you—but he literally cannot stop himself without some kind of intervention. The roots of that addiction are probably pretty deep, and it’ll take a lot of digging to get down to them. He needs an invention of some sort, although I cannot say what that might look like. You need help, too, dealing with this. Most of all, stay very close to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Our Lord will help you lift this cross. Do not stop offering reparations for your husband. When hatred and resentment begin to consume your heart, at that instant your hurt and yours scars to Christ.
 
It’s an addiction, and if he wants to truly change, he would probably need some kind of support…counseling.

He probably won’t be able to overcome this by himself.
 
kiamh said:
Will try to keep this as short as possible as its a long story. Catholic couple, married 3 years. After 4 months of marriage, I came home from work early one day to find my husband engaging in sexual activity with a woman on a web-cam (skype). I was devastated, up to that day I had felt blessed beyond what I truly deserved with my peaceful, loving marriage. Up to that point I had complete trust in my husband although he did always want to know exactly where I was and who I was with at all times, looking back now that should have been a warning sign, but I just took it as though he worried about me. Anyway, we had huge row about the activity on web-cam, he begged forgiveness and said he had never done that before. So I forgave him and we went back to normal. However, he never stopped. Almost every time he is alone in our home he searches online for women or girls willing to engage in sexual activity with him via web-cam. He tries to cover it up but these ladies often message or call our skype account for days after looking for more time with my husband. When I confront the ladies they say he lied to them that he was single or widowed (!)
Its been 2 and a half years of this exhausting behaviour, every time I catch him he begs forgiveness and says it will never happen again, but it always does.
Can I ‘make him’ see how wrong this is? Or am I fooling myself and he has no love at all for me so will never stop? Does anyone have any experience of such a situation? What can I do to save my marriage? Kiamh
Click to expand...
It’s so difficult for me to even read what you’re going through in your marriage with this, Kiamh, so I can’t even imagine how distressed you must be. As another poster mentioned, this appears to not only be internet porn but likely prostitution as well, and it’s real important that you familiarize yourself with the credit card statements if you haven’t already. I’m so very sorry for you.
There’s a support group here at CAF titled “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” that you or any other wives going through anything similar might wish to join. It specifically deals with the hurt that porn use by husbands brings to wives and has helped me tremendously in my marriage. As others have recommended, frequent reception of the Sacrament of Reconciliation by him would likely be very helpful - as well as counseling by a Catholic counselor and/or a Priest - for both of you or just you if he won’t go at this point.
Please know that you will be in my prayers no matter what. May Our Lord’s peace be with you always.
 
Maybe I see this differently because I lived a secular life for so long, but I am not seeing what others here are seeing. I am not seeing a helpless addict. I am seeing a man who is simply cheating on his wive via webcam. Pretty cut and dried.

And, no, it’s not necessarily a pay for play thing. I know a lot of people, married and single, who go to various websites set up for just this kind of thing, talk for a bit, then move on to webcam sex. There are plenty of willing men and women who do it for free and fun. But I would check the credit cards, bank balance, and bank account just to be sure.

If you want him to stop you’re going to have to attach consequences to his actions. If you just get hurt and angry, accept his apologies, and then nothing else happens…nothing changes…he’s going to just keep on keepin on.
 
Along with counseling, get rid of the webcam for starters.
There’s no need to have one in the house, especially if it’s damaging your marriage.
 
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