Husband Refuses to Work

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Hello,

I’m a brand-new forum member and want to pose a question to all of you. My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We have a 7 year old son. My hsuband has an engineering degree from a prestgious University. About 12 years ago, he was downsized from his job. He has never returned to the workforce. I fortunately have had a steady, good paying job for which I am blessed and thankful, although I’ve always longed to be a stay-at-home - or at least part time - Mom.

At the time of his job loss, he did search for another job, but not earnestly. He eventually decided to invest in the stock market and real estate. For the first few years, he did well in both. Then he lost interest in the real estate / rental housing investing and started to neglect it. We’ve sold all but two properties; one of which has been vacant for a number of years. He hasn’t visited it in 3 years, and has never made a move to put it on the market or re-rent it. Since 2000, he has made only a handful of investments per year yet he calls this his “job.” He stays up until the a.m. hours (2, 3, 4) watching TV, surfing the net (“researching stocks”), and falling asleep in front of the TV. He sleeps until whenever he wishes in the morning, while I go to work, grocery shop, cook, pay bills, etc.

I’ve attempted to discuss - numerous times ove the past years - his sleep habits, doing more around the house, getting a job, etc. Each time I’m either met with anger - “you’re always tearing me down”, “you’re impossible to please,” “why are you so mean”, etc. Or - excuses like, “you know I can never make as much money as you do”, “just be patient - I can make more money in the market than I can anywhere else - as soon as the market gets better you’ll see.” etc.

I’m now in counseling trying to figure out what’s going on and what to do about it.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you!!!
 
My thoughts are that counseling is where you need to be. I’m glad you’re already going.

It sounds like your husband may be depressed or something.
 
Suse_B said:
I’m now in counseling trying to figure out what’s going on and what to do about it.

What are your thoughts?
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My thoughts are that, by being in counseling, you are likely finding the direction that will be best for you and your child and, hopefully, for your husband as well. I’m sure most of us read your description and felt your husband was suffering from depression, but that is just a bunch of strangers making a quick “armchair analysis.”

You are in our prayers, however . . .
 
Is there any chance he is doing drugs? I ask from experience.
 
He sounds seriously depressed. You, however need to get him out of his inertia.

I would start with an insistence that he see a doctor immediately. Plan to attend the appointment with him and pursue a mental health referral from that physician. I would also have some consequences in mind and which you are prepared to enforce should he refuse to cooperate. This situation has been allowed to drag on far too long as is.
 
It sounds like losing his job hit him really hard.

Talk it over with your counsellor first, but, perhaps, you could ask him to accompany you a few times to counselling. Frame it so that he is attending to help you. (not a lie, he does need to know what he can do to help you) Let your counsellor take it from there. He/she will be able to evaluate and advise you.

Praying for you and yours
:signofcross:
 
Thank you all so much for your replies and prayers. One of the things my counselor (who is Catholic and was referred by my Priest, by the way) suggested I do is to talk to others about whether they think this situation is normal or not. I’ve been in denial for so long it’s taking awhile for this to really sink in. I knew deep down it wasn’t right, but bought into my husband’s persuasiveness that it was fine and to trust him. (And thought it was my fault for bringing it up when his reaction was anger.)

I’m sure he’s not doing drugs (this was a first question by my counselor too). He rarely leaves the house other than to pick up our son from school. I handle all of the finances and know where the $$ are going (he “doesn’t like to write checks” so I’ve handled this for years).

There is more to the story…he’s been verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling with me off and on for years. He became verbally abusive with our son also and I now have our son in counseling too. It all hit me hard when one night a few weeks ago, after a verbal lashing by my husband to him, when my son said to me that Dad needs to see a psychiatrist and take me to one too. And said “I should just kill mself.”

My husband is well aware of all of this and I’ve begged him to go to counseling. Even went so far as to say I can’t live like this any longer. Our son’s Dr. said to tell my husband that he (my son’s Dr.) says it would be very helpful for our son if he went. He absolutely refuses. Says I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that I always focus on the negatives, that they won’t tell him anything he doesn’t already know, and that part of the problem is that our son is uncooperative. (He’s a typical 7 year old boy who doesn’t always like to do his homework or go to bed exactly when asked.)

My husband has been much kinder to our son lately, but nothing else is changing. He just won’t budge with anything else.
 
As a man, I can tell you that we often identify ourselves with our jobs and losing one’s job can be a terrific blow to our (arguably already weak) self-esteem. Being supportive has a limit, but prayer does not. Try asking him to lead the family in prayer about the situation as this makes him have to “man-up” to God and not to you.

Your mileage may vary.

Bryan
 
I would agree with those who opine that your husband is suffering from depression; however, I also opine that he is suffering from inertia because there is no reason for him not to. He is Getting Away With It, isn’t he? Like the 30 year old “kid” who lives in Mom’s basement, watches Lord of the Rings videos all day long, and leaves his dirty clothes and dishes strewn everywhere – why should he change as long as Mom is doing all the heavy lifting? He can piddle, twiddle and loaf – and into the bargain he can exercise his manly bass voice and flex his muscles to scare you into continuing to serve him and wait on him.

With the support and advice of my counselor, I would confront him and ask him if he can tell me one single reason why I am better off with him than without him. If all he is doing is eating up your substance and making you miserable, and contributing nothing of value, why keep him around?
 
Appleby, you’re assessment rings so true. My biggest challenge is getting through the inertia. At the advice of my Priest, I confronted him with an ultimatum a few weeks ago to get counseling and pursue a job-very calmly. His advice is to provide him with the tools, but he must do it himself. Wait a few months and see. If no real progress, it will be time to say we need to spend some time apart. I’m not seeing any progress yet.
 
Is it normal behavior? No.

Twelve years? Give me a break.

The verbal and emotional abuse is inexcusable. You must protect your son.
 
My mother had a depression problem for years…I never knew my mom when she wasn’t depressed. My sister said that she developed it even before she married our dad. My mom slept a lot, and was on a lot of meds. Back in the late 60’s early 70’s…there were not a lot of break throughs surrounding depression. But, my dad did the best he could for her, but she wasn’t abusive or anything. Just slept a lot. I had a nanny. I tell this story, because your husband, Suse, sounds like he could be depressed–I agree with others. The verbal abuse is a way to keep you off his back so he can remain in his doldrums, and do nothing to help himself. If he attacks you, then he thinks you’ll leave him be.

I also agree with 1ke…you need to protect your son. He is now witnessing some toxic behaviors on the part of his dad, and while I don’t advocate separation, it might be a good idea in this case. Your husband has been permited to behave this way by you for a while, and I know it can be hard to change things. You probably feel at this stage like you’re walking on eggshells. That is no way to live.

Your husband needs counseling, and to be examined to see if he is clinically depressed. Rule out a lot of things before separating, but if there is no progress on his part, and the verbal assaults continue…I’d probably separate. I think the advice you have been given is great. God bless and good luck to you.
 
What are my thoughts ya ask?

Well heck lets check the list, he’s just been hanging out for 12 years, watching tv, surfing the internet, sleeping in, riding around, staying up late, roof over his head, plenty to eat, sex when he needs it etc, why would he *want *to change things??

I dunno if he’s depressed or not, but I can tell ya he’s happy in his current comfort zone. I mean the guy has NO ambition or pride.

Here’s what I’d do sweetie. I’d come home one afternoon, turn the tv off, unplug the internet, confiscate his car keys, and say, “By the end of this week, you’re gonna have a job, and I don’t care if its flippin burgers or delivering pizzas, but your days of sitting around here, are over. You’re gonna get a job where you’re accountable to someone 5 days a week, and if that doesn’t work for ya, I’m gonna ask ya to leave.” I know you gotta be tired of looking at him sit around all day, while you’re working and raising a child.

Where is this guy’s father? Call him and tell him to get down there and do something with his worthless son and see if HE can get him to man up.

Until ya do that nuttin is gonna change, because in his mind he has it made.
 
if this situation has persisted for many years and is not something recent, I would certainly go on with counselling, but I would also go on the assumption that he is not going to change, and deal with it as if he were genuinely unable to work due to a disability, and arrange my life and plans on that basis. I doubt if trying to engage him in any kind of discussion is going to help.

If he is abusive verbally and physically I would move heaven and earth to get myself and my kids out of the situation, if I had no legal means to move him from the home. If everyone in the home has to walk on eggshells to avoid his temper, I would definitely ask my counsellor to help me recognize the signs and potential for abuse. I would also ask her about the concepts of being in denial and enabling. Of course I would probably not remain in this situation for 12 years, because 10 or 11 years ago I would have kicked him out, but I am not a very patient person.

oddly enough we have a friend who quit is very high stress job about 12 years ago to give more time to his family, as the suffering from the job was causing a lot of problems. He did collect unemployment–he was downsized and saw that as an opportunity. He could not find other employment for a couple of years, but spent his time being a SAHD, and making productive contributions to the household economy, the way many housewives do–cutting down expenses, fixing up the house, reducing utility expense, shopping wisely, even learned to sew and mend. he also has always been they guy in the neighborhood everyone calls on to fix this or that, be home when the cable guy comes, etc., and is the emergency school contact for a lot of families. Most of them pay him in some form or another, if not money returned goods and services. With his wife’s job–nursing–they do fine, the kids turned out great, and everyone is happy. but he is not being a drain on the family, he is making a contribution, the way most housewives have always done. he is also cheerful and a joy to be with
 
Suse_B said:
Hello,

I’ve always longed to be a stay-at-home - or at least part time - Mom.

Does your husband know this? Was is discussed before you married? If so then he’s not following through on his commitment.

At the time of his job loss, he did search for another job, but not earnestly.

Hum if I was out of work I would take whatever was out there so I could have money coming in for my family. I would expect the the same from my husband. I don’t understand the concept of waiting around for something better. Take what you can get to tide you over and continue to look as well till you can find something better.

Since 2000, he has made only a handful of investments per year yet he calls this his “job.” He stays up until the a.m. hours (2, 3, 4) watching TV, surfing the net (“researching stocks”), and falling asleep in front of the TV. He sleeps until whenever he wishes in the morning, while I go to work, grocery shop, cook, pay bills, etc.

**Hate to tell you but part of his behavior is your fault since you’ve been letting it go on for 8 years. It doesn’t excuse his actions but people will get away with what they can. Sounds like he needs to grow up though. Your not his mother. **

I’ve attempted to discuss - numerous times ove the past years - his sleep habits, doing more around the house, getting a job, etc. Each time I’m either met with anger - “you’re always tearing me down”, “you’re impossible to please,” “why are you so mean”, etc. Or - excuses like, “you know I can never make as much money as you do”, “just be patient - I can make more money in the market than I can anywhere else - as soon as the market gets better you’ll see.” etc.

I** wouldn’t confront him anymore but calmly let him know how you feel. If he gets all defensive don’t react to his silly statements such as “why are you so mean?” that’s just stupid. He’s the one being mean and demeaning to himself by not acting like a man and taking responsibility for his family obligations. If he rants and raves let him but don’t give him the reaction or drama he seems to want. It’s good that you in counciling that’s probably the best thing you can do for now. **
I’m now in counseling trying to figure out what’s going on and what to do about it.

What are your thoughts?

Your husband needs to gain some maturity and counciling.
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I agree also with Bama, for a more DIRECT approach. Or you could ask Bama to call him.😃 That might help.
 
whatevergirl said:
ha! While I’m blunt, Bama really just lays it out there…!!😃
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Yep, he said what I said, only in Guy Language. It’s time for him to fish or cut bait. And you are the one who has to tell him that, just as you would tell your son if he were behaving in the same way.

Personally I would advise separation – complete and absolute cutting of the umbilical cord – until he gets his act together. But then, I would not have put up with behaviour like that for 8 minutes, much less 8 years. The two boys (nephews) that I brought up know that very well.
 
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