Husband says he is not married to me anymore

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Augustinian82

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Hi all,

I’m coming here, because I have no one else to talk to and I’m desperate. My husband and I had a major argument last night and I can’t even remember what it was about… something stupid perhaps. Anyway, I got upset and came upstairs to work on the computer and he came up angrily and asked me to join him downstairs with our two-year old son to finish watching a football game. I told him I didn’t want to, because I was upset, so he grabbed the computer and said he would throw it on the wall if I didn’t join him downstairs. When we have had major arguments, a handful of times, he usually tries to force me to talk to him or to do whatever he wants me to do, so in the past, he has hit my cell phone away from me, or if I say I want to leave to cool off, he takes the keys away from me, etc. When we have made up, I have asked him to not do that to me, because it is disrespectful: to not force me to do things as if I was a child and much less by means of violence.

Well, the bad part… I’m a very explosive person when I’m a in that situation: being cornered as if I was a child… so, I said I would throw his computer on the wall too, so I went into the office and threw his computer on the ground (not hard, but still…). Then, I came out and I told him I wanted my computer back and he wouldn’t give it to me and said he would destroy it. Well, our son was watching the whole thing and by this time I had lost it. I started punching him (not hard, I’m pregnant and not strong compared to my husband) and called him names. It was horrible :’( Anyway, he wouldn’t listen to me and said he wouldn’t let me leave in the car, so I just left walking out in the cold, then came back and took the car and left (this was around 11 pm) and didn’t come back home until 1 am. We didn’t talk and I went to bed in the other bedroom.

Well, this morning, he said I was so unjustified in hitting him and calling him names in front of my son, which is totally true. I’m not justifying my actions, but I couldn’t apologize when he said he hadn’t done anything wrong either by threatening me to take the computer away. He is totally in the right according to him and I’m in the wrong. He said horrible things to me, like how I forced him to marry me (I gave him an ultimatum while we were dating for 2 1/2 years), how I always sin in this marriage, how I’m not a good Catholic wife, etc… then he said he wasn’t married to me anymore, because I couldn’t recognize my actions.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not justifying my actions AT ALL. They were horrible, but the fact that he can’t see how he triggers me and how he was threatening with violence really upsets me.

Anyway, any advice or words you may have would be really helpful.

Thanks for reading. Peace,
 
You two may wish to enter marriage counseling both together and individually to work on your anger and your communication. You may also wish to pray together if you don’t already. Do you attend Mass together?
 
Thanks Joanofarc. We pray together every night as a family and attend Mass together. I’ve brought up counseling before to him, but he refuses to attend.
 
Augustinian82 said:
Thanks Joanofarc. We pray together every night as a family and attend Mass together. I’ve brought up counseling before to him, but he refuses to attend.
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You may want to consider attending on your own then. When he sees a change in you, he may find hope. If he doesn’t it will still help you make changes and get you through this difficult time. God bless you.
 
you both need serious counseling and anger mangement therapy. You are BOTH in the wrong and acting like children.

Go to confession. Make a firm purpose of ammendment.
 
I wish I could offer advice, only to say that I am praying for you.
 
I second 1ke: there are some behavioral problems on both sides here that need outside intervention. There is a difference between knowing something is wrong and having the skills to get out of that habitual tailspin and make a lasting change.

If he is unwilling to change, then you need to start getting help on your own. It will probably involve you taking criticisms unjustly and being patient with your husband for a while, but hopefully he will see that change in you and start to be open to seeking help himself.

As also stated, avail yourself of sacramental confession to ensure the grace of God lighting your path during this time of hope and change. Humility before God is the central theme of this family issue.

Finally, keep praying (and I’m not talking just about the “Now I lay me down to sleep” type of stuff at nighttime, I mean serious conversation with God and listening to Him talk to you). Get some good books or tapes on conflict resolution skills with a Catholic view of things (maybe others can recommend specific titles). Keep a hopeful attitude. It will all work out, but you can’t get there by just pulling up yourself up off the ground. You need to find people who are smarter than you in this arena. They are eager to help.
 
Augustinian82 said:
Anyway, any advice or words you may have would be really helpful.

Thanks for reading. Peace,
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You are like gas and flame, it’s only time, without intervention, before there is real violence. You can try counselling if he wants to stay married to you and you to him. The fact is, neither one of you cared much about your child while emotions were high. He needs parents older than he is.

For his sake, and the sake of your unborn child, you should get the therapy whether you stay married or not. Figure out all the hows and whys of getting into this situation so you don’t keep doing this.
 
Augustinian82 said:
Hi all,

I’m coming here, because I have no one else to talk to and I’m desperate. My husband and I had a major argument last night and I can’t even remember what it was about… something stupid perhaps. Anyway, I got upset and came upstairs to work on the computer and he came up angrily and asked me to join him downstairs with our two-year old son to finish watching a football game. I told him I didn’t want to, because I was upset, so he grabbed the computer and said he would throw it on the wall if I didn’t join him downstairs. When we have had major arguments, a handful of times, he usually tries to force me to talk to him or to do whatever he wants me to do, so in the past, he has hit my cell phone away from me, or if I say I want to leave to cool off, he takes the keys away from me, etc. When we have made up, I have asked him to not do that to me, because it is disrespectful: to not force me to do things as if I was a child and much less by means of violence.

Well, the bad part… I’m a very explosive person when I’m a in that situation: being cornered as if I was a child… so, I said I would throw his computer on the wall too, so I went into the office and threw his computer on the ground (not hard, but still…). Then, I came out and I told him I wanted my computer back and he wouldn’t give it to me and said he would destroy it. Well, our son was watching the whole thing and by this time I had lost it. I started punching him (not hard, I’m pregnant and not strong compared to my husband) and called him names. It was horrible :’( Anyway, he wouldn’t listen to me and said he wouldn’t let me leave in the car, so I just left walking out in the cold, then came back and took the car and left (this was around 11 pm) and didn’t come back home until 1 am. We didn’t talk and I went to bed in the other bedroom.

Well, this morning, he said I was so unjustified in hitting him and calling him names in front of my son, which is totally true. I’m not justifying my actions, but I couldn’t apologize when he said he hadn’t done anything wrong either by threatening me to take the computer away. He is totally in the right according to him and I’m in the wrong. He said horrible things to me, like how I forced him to marry me (I gave him an ultimatum while we were dating for 2 1/2 years), how I always sin in this marriage, how I’m not a good Catholic wife, etc… then he said he wasn’t married to me anymore, because I couldn’t recognize my actions.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not justifying my actions AT ALL. They were horrible, but the fact that he can’t see how he triggers me and how he was threatening with violence really upsets me.

Anyway, any advice or words you may have would be really helpful.

Thanks for reading. Peace,
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He may have been threatening an OBJECT with violence - not a good choice - but you actually carried OUT the violence upon him, by punching him and throwing his computer on the ground. You both need counseling but I recommend that you go ahead and start NOW, as soon as possible. Consider that you knew your child was watching and that did nothing to change the course of your actions. It would be one thing if you thought your child was asleep or playing in another room, and you acted out, but your child was RIGHT THERE WATCHING and you still lost control.

You also took chances with your safety by walking out of the house, and by taking the car at 11 pm (to prove a point I suppose?). These types of gestures do not work and are not effective choices to arguments.

And after all of that, you cannot even remember what the argument was???

Please call Catholic Charities in your area and tell them of your need for immediate counseling. I do not think that marriage counseling in your case is a substitute for individual counseling. I think you have problems that need to be addressed in your own sessions. If you improve your behavior you may find that your marriage improves as well.

I hope that you will get therapy.
 
Just want to let you know you are not alone and I am praying. I also want you to not give up hope. I’ve been married for 14 years now. It is so rare for us to argue let alone fight now, but just a few years ago what you describe was nearly a daily occurrence at our house. Marriage is difficult but it can work out even when it seems hopeless. I would lOve to tell you what worked for us, but I’m not even sure what it was. It was a slow progression from fights (both verbal and physical) to complete abandonment, to before we knew it total commitment and happiness. I wish I could assure you everything will be fine, but I really can’t. It takes two people to make a marriage work, but unfortunately it only takes one to break one apart. Continue to pray together, attend Mass and receive the sacraments together, ask your priest for council together or even individual. Act as if all is going fine, even though it is difficult. Cook dinner, clean, provide services that you are accustomed to providing (all families are different in marital roles, not sure how your family splits duties) all without complaint and without malice. I know what your family is going through but your marriage can survive if both of you desire for it to heal. Pray that God will help your family to be a light to the world even through this period of darkness. And always, always hope.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please call Catholic Charities in your area and tell them of your need for immediate counseling. I do not think that marriage counseling in your case is a substitute for individual counseling. I think you have problems that need to be addressed in your own sessions. If you improve your behavior you may find that your marriage improves as well.

I hope that you will get therapy.
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I agree but I think both of them are in the same need. And, surprisingly perhaps, it’s possible this marriage could work.
 
If you don’t stop the way you are behaving, you are going to end up severely damaging your little boy. You both need to seek help. What is going to happen when one of you loses your temper on your child? Or brings your child into one of these fights as a weapon? You probably will say that will never happen, but did you ever intend to be throwing laptops across the room? I assume not. Please seek counseling for yourself, even if he refuses.
 
I’d be interested in knowing where you went between 11 pm and 1 am.
 
I think the more important thing here is how these displays of anger are going to eventually effect your son. For you child’s sake you both need to seek help. It sounds like in a weird way you both might be getting off on confronting each other and don’t even realize it. Next time your husband get confrontational don’t react. If he asks for your computer give it to him and see what happens. Stay calm no matter what he does observe his behavior. One person out of control is bad enough but two people out of control could spell disaster. If he gets violent call the police. If all else fails instead of giving your husband an emotional reaction write him a letter telling him how you feel and how his treatment makes you feel that way your can release the emotions on paper instead in in words that might cause things to get worse. You can only control your behavior not your husbands but maybe you can keep things from getting out of hand. If he still gets out of control or you both do they have shelters that can take kids for a day a few hours or even weeks until the family can work things out.
 
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